Handy hints

Post your factoids here. Things you find interesting. Items that we may not know about.
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Katy1
Posts: 345
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2005 5:46 pm

Handy hints

Post by Katy1 »

* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour

a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage

is almost instantly removed.



* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always

circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the

garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of

the stain and check that it has gone.



* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.

Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.



* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone

else to hold them while you chop away.



* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning

after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble

full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the

wall.



* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by

filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into

it, before jumping in.



* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a

handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.



* Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes

again.



* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

vibrator.



* Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit

slower.



* Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.

Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes

exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.



* Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made

aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a

nice steak.



* Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first,

and then read the rest in random order.





* A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling

over and going back to sleep.



* Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with

whom you disagree.



* Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your

feet twice on each stair.



* At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer

Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.



* Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's

interested in is seeing you starkers.



* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'

eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.



* AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'

whenever you leave your car parked illegally.



* OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out

the names and address of people you don't know.
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cherandbuster
Posts: 8594
Joined: Mon May 15, 2006 11:33 am

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Post by cherandbuster »

Katy :)

Twisted and excellent :D
Live Life with

PASSION
!:guitarist





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Rapunzel
Posts: 6509
Joined: Thu May 12, 2005 5:47 pm

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Post by Rapunzel »

cherandbuster wrote: Katy :)

Twisted and excellent :D


AND freakin hilarious!!!
Carl44
Posts: 10719
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:23 am

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Post by Carl44 »

katy by any chance to you read viz



:wah: :wah:
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Katy1
Posts: 345
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2005 5:46 pm

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Post by Katy1 »

jimbo wrote: katy by any chance to you read viz



:wah: :wah:


Me?:D
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sunny104
Posts: 11986
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2006 9:25 am

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Post by sunny104 »

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl
weinbeck
Posts: 305
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 2:15 pm

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Post by weinbeck »

sunny104 wrote: :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl


:rolleyes: Tame by any standards - what's red and white and sits screaming in the corner?



Scroll down























answer - a baby with a razor blade!
Carl44
Posts: 10719
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:23 am

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Post by Carl44 »

jimbo wrote: katy by any chance to you read viz



:wah: :wah:


big vern rules



who is your fav viz star
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Katy1
Posts: 345
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2005 5:46 pm

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Post by Katy1 »

jimbo wrote: big vern rules



who is your fav viz star


I have to honest, I haven't read it in ages.......I mean, about 10 yrs. The last time I was reading it I was into Derek and Clive. That reminds me, I MUST get my 'Derek and Clive get the horn' video out tonight. Bloody hilarious......
Sapphire_Alchemist
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2007 2:51 am

Handy hints

Post by Sapphire_Alchemist »

:wah::wah:Love 'em! Especially the one about putting a mouse trap on your alarm clock, heh, sounds like something *I'd* need to do :D - I swear, my snooze button is totally worn smooth due to the number of times I've pressed it!:D
joesoap
Posts: 157
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2007 3:42 am

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Post by joesoap »

Mince Power

A Thropton man has come up with a novel idea to combat rising fuel prices. Mr. Dan Khadwitta has managed to covert his car to run on a rather unusual fuel, which he claims is cheaper, more efficient and is more environmentally friendly than petrol or diesel. Dan runs his car on mince bought from a local supermarket. “With petrol becoming so expensive, the protests and all the panic buying there was a while ago, I started looking for some- thing else to put in the car,” said Mr. Khadwitta. “I knew it would have to be a substance packed with energy and you don’t get better than quality mince. I boil up a couple pounds of it in a big pan with a large onion, a carrot and a tablespoon of Comptons gravy salt, then the whole lot goes in the tank, you have to retard the ignition timing by about twelve degrees and remove the fuel filter because it gets blocked up, it takes a bit to get it started on a cold morning but I’ve been getting seventy miles to the gallon and the exhaust smells like weasel hoop”. We asked Mr. Khadwitta if he intended to patent the idea, “whey no” he said, ”its one in the eye for the oil companies, anyone is welcome to try it”.:driving:

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