~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

A forum to discuss local issues in England.
lady cop
Posts: 14744
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:00 pm

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by lady cop »

this is long, but worth reading, it's funny as hell





Subject: Can't be any worse off than we are now



> Important Instructions from John Cleese

>

> To the citizens of the United States of America:

>

> In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA

and

> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your

> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth

II

> will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and

other

> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

>

> Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the

> 97.85%

> of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside

your

> borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for

further

> elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire

will

> be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To

aid in

> the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

> introduced with immediate effect:

>

> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then

> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at

> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be

> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the

letter

> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will

learn

> to

> spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your

love

> affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix

> "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the

suffix

> 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to

respell

> Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct

pronunciation.

> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary

> to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty

seven

> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is

an

> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

> "interspersed".

> There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're

not

> old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat

shows.

> When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use

bad

> language as often.

>

> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know

on

> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account

> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

>

> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It

> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to

> learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

> "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking

> about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in

> England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling

it

> Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,

> Floridashire, Louisianashire.

>

> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the

> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

> English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or

"Red

> Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American

> audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political

> incorrectness.

>

> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen",

> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

> confused and give up half way through.

>

> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of

> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

> game.

> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

borders

> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will

no

> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a

> difficult

> game.

>

> Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which

> is

> similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a

rest

> every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We

> are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You

> should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event

called

> the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

> Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a

> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of

> baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"

> which

> is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector

cards or

> hotdogs.

>

> 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no

longer

> be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a

> vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

> handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you

wish

> to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>

> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day".

>

> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for

your

> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start

> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will

> go

> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables.

> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of

> humour.

>

> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries

> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though

> 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)

are

> not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on

calling

> potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut

and

> fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer

which

> should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more

> aggressive with customers.

>

> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all

> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be

> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

>

> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually

> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter

> will

> be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted

> provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly

known

> as

> "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's

> Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser

> company

> whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".

> This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000

years in

> Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

>

> 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as

you

> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with

the

> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former

USA

> and

> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US

> gallon - get used to it).

>

> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers

> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists

shows

> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be

> handled

> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

> someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to

> handle a gun.

>

> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax

> collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

> ensure

> the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

>

> 16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as

in

> "clear", NOT Nucular.

>

> Thank you for your co-operation and have a wonderful day

>
koan
Posts: 16817
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2004 1:00 pm

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by koan »

Cleese is England's gift to humour and the world.
kensloft
Posts: 2793
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2004 1:37 am

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by kensloft »

See! Go to one war together and you're already in hot water. They have proven their case and the world court will stand behind it. From here on in when you come To Canada you must bring pounds or shillings. American money will be laughed at for being so bland. Get used to it and don't forget tht from hereon in you speak the

Queen's English and not the English from Queens!
User avatar
spot
Posts: 38669
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:19 pm
Location: Brigstowe

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by spot »

lady cop;41194 wrote: > Important Instructions from John CleeseActually no. An American reaction to the election of George Bush in November 2000. Not John Cleese. Not even remotely like John Cleese. So un-John-Cleese it's hard to understand how his name was ever attached to it.

snopes.com: John Cleese Letter to USA
Nullius in verba|||||||||||
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game!
User avatar
Kindle
Posts: 7090
Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2008 5:07 pm

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by Kindle »

spot;1150813 wrote: Actually no. An American reaction to the election of George Bush in November 2000. Not John Cleese. Not even remotely like John Cleese. So un-John-Cleese it's hard to understand how his name was ever attached to it.

snopes.com: John Cleese Letter to USA


It took you four (4) years to make this correction!!!!!!!!! :yh_rotfl

Ah, Spot, you must be slowing down a bit............................. :D




"Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, 5.1
User avatar
spot
Posts: 38669
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:19 pm
Location: Brigstowe

~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~

Post by spot »

Kindle;1150867 wrote: It took you four (4) years to make this correction!!!!!!!!! :yh_rotfl

Ah, Spot, you must be slowing down a bit............................. :D


I hadn't seen it before, it came up when I searched FG for references to Edward Burra. The thread I was looking for was http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/web-d ... rtist.html and it mentioned Jackson Pollock. I'd been to an exhibition of his work at the Hayward Gallery which also featured Edward Burra, I was looking for my post about it and Burra was my keyword. All it hit was the OP in this thread. Having seen it I posted a correction in case anyone else finds it one day and thinks it's anything other than unmitigated drivel.
Nullius in verba|||||||||||
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game!

Return to “England”