Friendship Persuasions....

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Sep 18, 2004 11:27 am

It seems that I seem to make friendships with people who seem to always be busy and have no hang-out time. By this, I mean... Okay, I understand people are busy and everything with life, but it seems that I hardly get to see/talk with my friends or to hang out with them outside of certain environments. I have work friends, but we rarely do hang outside of our jobs. I recently made a friend from my job (he's a student), and we have also yet to hang outside of the school's environment. I've "hinted" a "we should hang out sometime" with an "okay" response, but nothing has been further yet. It depresses me how I seem to have to "pull teeth" just to get my work friends to hang out at a lunch outing or something. It seems so easy for other people to "do stuff" outside of our job and school. They make it look easy. I don't get it.... Why is it when I ask them, I have to ask them 100 times, and when others ask them, "bam!" They don't give second thought....

Is there a secret for this I don't know about?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Sep 18, 2004 3:50 pm

Instead of "let's hang out sometime" try "I am going to ______. Wanna come?"

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Sep 18, 2004 7:45 pm

Peg wrote: Instead of "let's hang out sometime" try "I am going to ______. Wanna come?"
Yeah, I guess you're right about it being as simple as that. I seem to think too hard of something before I ask my friends such a question in order to think of a certain place beforehand. I'll give it a shot. Thanks.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Sep 18, 2004 7:48 pm

Good luck and let us know.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Sep 18, 2004 8:11 pm

Thanks, Peg. I will!

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 4:53 pm

Update:

Okay, I tried it, and it failed. Actually, I left a message on his cellphone's answering machine about two weeks ago.

Here's a little bit of history of this friendship...

I met this friend at my job this past mid-July 2004. I work at a community college's nine computer lab facility. He's a student who has taken computer classes.

I told him I was going to Sweden in about 1.5 weeks from that time, and he became wide-eyed and interested. He then told me he works in a photo lab and wanted to develop my photos upon returning. I returned and got my photos developed by him. He gave me a discount because there were so many of them, and I was touched. He didn't have to do that, but he did. There were times where he's hugged me as greetings. And he's told me he likes Ace of Base like I do and wanted me to make him a CD of their music, and I did. He loves that kind of music.... Cool!

The rest of the weeks, it was the college semester's, so I didn't get to see him around. At this point, we hadn't traded phone numbers but only kept in touch via email. I'd send an email and got a response but didn't get another reply after I'd reply. So I regarded it as "not enough time." However, does it really take that much teeth-pulling for a short other email? I would ask for his phone number various times so we can chat or hang out with no response.

In early September, I decided to just visit him at work again and took some more film to be developed, as an excuse to see him. I saw him, and he went up to me and gave me a huge hug and said, "Good to see you!" We talked a few minutes, and I found out he's taking classes in my building but were times where I either wasn't around or was in another building. He goes in early to do homework, so it's HIS time to work on homework. I finally asked him again for his number and gave it to me.

The next day I saw him around, and he gave me my developed photos and said they were "on the house." I insisted to pay but he refused to let me.

I've seen him around an adjacent computer lab (where I don't work in), and I have visited him several times while he was working on homework. I've asked him several times if he wanted to take a little break so we can chit-chat. We haven't been able to chit-chat in serious since that week before I went to Sweden on vacation, so I missed that. It was quite nice and natural. However, he said, "Oh, no thank you. I'm working on some homework." I guess I shouldn't have asked it in a question form but instead offer it as a treat, right? D'oh! :-5

Now, he's said he'll call me back when I called him back when he was firends at a bar and nothing. He said he'll email me since last week and nothing. Is it my imagination, or is there very little effort put into this friendship? I think so...

A friend of mine told me it's a "guy thing." Who knows....

I failed to mention only one *tiny* detail throughout my story, but I purposely left it out. Whenever I have explained this situation to others while leaving the small detail in, their minds seem to skew and their views depend on this detail which isn't the foundation for my situational problem. Therefore, I'll just leave it out this time to get others' opinions in a neutral format.

So, can anyone provide insight or clues as to what may be happening? Or, has anyone experienced a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 1:09 am

swedeace wrote: It seems that I seem to make friendships with people who seem to always be busy and have no hang-out time. By this, I mean... Okay, I understand people are busy and everything with life, but it seems that I hardly get to see/talk with my friends or to hang out with them outside of certain environments. I have work friends, but we rarely do hang outside of our jobs. I recently made a friend from my job (he's a student), and we have also yet to hang outside of the school's environment. I've "hinted" a "we should hang out sometime" with an "okay" response, but nothing has been further yet. It depresses me how I seem to have to "pull teeth" just to get my work friends to hang out at a lunch outing or something. It seems so easy for other people to "do stuff" outside of our job and school. They make it look easy. I don't get it.... Why is it when I ask them, I have to ask them 100 times, and when others ask them, "bam!" They don't give second thought....

Is there a secret for this I don't know about?

I have always felt and it has also been my experience that friendship is a natural phenomenon between any two people. It does not essentially come through persuation altough in some cases persuation may also be necessary . First people become acquanted with each other. Then they develop a liking for each others' company. Once this stage comes they start hanging outside their jobs. This 'liking each others' company' is most important.

You say that you have made a friend from your job, but are yet to hang out with him. He will come with you once that stage of liking each others' company is reached and he has spare time. You should not be confused and feel bad about it.

Has anybody approached you with a hint that he wants to hang out with you, and what has been your reaction?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 4:37 am

I am assuming that you are of the female sex. Hm?

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 6:55 am

Bill Sikes wrote: I am assuming that you are of the female sex. Hm?

Your assumption is not correct.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 7:58 am

Sikes: I am assuming that you are of the female sex. Hm?

Suresh Gupta wrote: Your assumption is not correct.

I meant the OP, Swedeace - did you? Have I made a mistake with this infernally

clanky threading again??

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 8:35 am

I'm female, and my friend's male. Why?

And no, this is NOT about romance. Not one bit... Not before, not now, or not never.... It's ONLY the focus on our friendship. What does it signify and do I just wait for his correspondence?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 8:54 am

swedeace wrote: I'm female, and my friend's male. Why?

Um, it can actually make quite a lot of difference IMO.....

swedeace wrote: And no, this is NOT about romance. Not one bit... Not before, not now, or not never.... It's ONLY the focus on our friendship. What does it signify and do I just wait for his correspondence?

Just consider what he might think... maybe he thinks you're pursuing him,

hotly. Maybe not, but it's something to consider.

In the UK I think I'd raise an eyebrow or two if female work colleague

asked me to go for a drink or whatever in her sole company, outside

the work environment. Maybe it's different in the U.S.A., if that is where

you are.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 9:24 am

Bill Sikes: I see what you mean... there's just one safe assumption: he's gay. That's why I *know* there will never be anything, and I wouldn't *even* wanna try. It's a long story of how we became friends. :-3

I have always valued friendships above anything else, so when HE proposed the friendship to me, I was thrilled. It was nice to know to have a friend. Now with this lack of motivation of time and energy makes me scratch my head. Maybe I'm just being too persistent since he is also very busy with work and school?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 3:58 pm

Hopefully you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are desperate for friendship and maybe too clingy? Try backing off a little and giving him some space. It is quite possible he is just too busy right now and will respond when he has time to come up for air.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 8:41 am

Peg wrote: Hopefully you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are desperate for friendship and maybe too clingy? Try backing off a little and giving him some space. It is quite possible he is just too busy right now and will respond when he has time to come up for air.
Thank you for your honesty, Peg. No, I didn't take it the wrong way. In fact, it helps me out a bit. Yes, I do realize I am getting a little clingy in this friendship relationship. I really don't know why, in reality. Since I was proposed this friendship BY him in the beginning, I became thrilled thinking, "Wow! Someone WANTS to be my friend! This is too cool!" Therefore, when he and I talked a lot during that week, he was just coming up to me (I was subbing his classes that entire week) and we'd talk and chat. Luckily, it was "lab time" for the classes, so it gave us a chance to sit at a couple of computers and just chit-chat. It felt so nice! That's what impressed me as a close friendship potential.

Now that I hardly see him and our schedules don't match up, it just no longer gives us that chance in my work environment/his school environment. Maybe he has very little time to spend another friendship with someone else (me). Someone told me this situation sounds like a "friendship by convenience."

With his birthday coming up in ten days, I don't know what's best - to email him a simple greeting, give him a birthday card and visit him in the open computer lab "in person" or just forget about it. I actually have nine days to decide because he's not around my building on his *actual* day because it's a Tuesday and he's around on Mondays and Wednesdays.

About the backing off thing, I've been doing that. One entire week, so far. I just regret going to him those past weeks in September. It would've made it one whole month, but I didn't. I regret it now....

So I should do the same thing all next week, too? This way, the following Monday makes it two whole weeks? What do you think?

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 2:16 am

swedeace wrote: Bill Sikes: I see what you mean... there's just one safe assumption: he's gay. That's why I *know* there will never be anything, and I wouldn't *even* wanna try. It's a long story of how we became friends. :-3
What Bill said still goes even if he is gay, he may think you have it in your head you could change him. Or the other thought that comes to mind "oh look, I have a gay best friend".

I'm sure shows like Will & Grace and Sex in the City must have had some negative effect on gay/straight relationships.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Dec 25, 2004 5:30 pm

SongSeeker: Thank you so much for your honest advice. Yeah, I don't know what it is about me and my past and present choices of people who I want to befriend. I guess there's something behind them that I seem to choose. No, I don't feel offended. In fact, it gives me insight. Thanks again.

Letha: What's weird is that I have heard/read about Will and Grace and Sex in the City, yet I have never watched either of those shows. I myself wouldn't want to change anyone or their preference. For me, it seems I just kinda lack the closeness of friendships. He is my first "male friend" because all my life I've always had female friends. Then, I have heard about how male friends are good to have, so when he offered this friendship to me, I thought, "Cool! Finally! My first male friend. This is going to be different yet a new chapter in my life." I just always imagine having a best friend (no matter of the sex), but I also grew excited about welcoming a male friend into my life.

What I have learned all these months is I must just be patient. I've read so much about friendships flourishing and growing slowly over time. It seems friends can take up to three years to form. :-2

capt_buzzard · Post by **capt_buzzard** » Sat Dec 25, 2004 8:03 pm

Here's to the good life. :-6