Should I contact my Dad?

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:02 pm

WonderWendy3;537506 wrote: Okay, now that Wendy doesn't have tears in her eyes from catching up on this thread...

Krammy, I've stated that my ex had this type of up-bringing with his father, the sad part is he's repeating it with his own children. As for the funeral part, he had a horrible Mother also, and said he would NEVER go to her funeral, and did...sad part is it never gave him closure. (It's hard to say, the important thing is forgiving them and going on with your life-IMO)

The up-side of all this is that you have over-come this...YOU are a wonderful person, awesome Dad...and alot to be proud of!!

Sending lots of :-4 and:yh_hugs to Krammy

well said bravo:-6 :-6

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:17 pm

[QUOTE=jimbo;537516]well said bravoQUOTE]

Those :yh_hugs and :-4 are for Jimbo too!!

I'm sure Krammy doesn't mind sharing the love! I have a deep admiration for men that truly love their children, especially when they were not shown as a child themselves.

My Father was one of those kids, and I'm thankful that he didn't follow in his Dad's footsteps. As your (Jimbo and Krammy's) children will or are already thankful too!!

:-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:19 pm

Imladris;537445 wrote: I look better in the dark - apparantly

(last time hubby said that though he got a slap)

Immy, from the pics I saw..you are Beautiful! inside and out!

I was disturbed, I must confess...you look really young, and only 2 days older than ME!!:-5

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:24 pm

WonderWendy3;537536 wrote: Immy, from the pics I saw..you are Beautiful! inside and out!

I was disturbed, I must confess...you look really young, and only 2 days older than ME!!:-5

yup ww they are called x ray machines :wah: :wah: sorry immy you are beautifull inside and out i'm just getting my own back for months of torture on the ask jimbo thread:wah:

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:30 pm

So sorry it did'nt work out as you'd hoped Krambo.

:yh_flower

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:31 pm

Aw Kram dad's can be jerks. Do what feels right for you. bottom line.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:34 pm

abbey;537564 wrote: So sorry it did'nt work out as you'd hoped Krambo.

:yh_flower

abbey i dont think these things ever do i have tried all my life to win my fathers love , i think he only wants to see me so as he gets the chance to shun me again ....... after all he cant give me what he dont have can he , i'm not saying this for krambo who is a fine kind man but for myself

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:38 pm

Aw Kram I feel for ya, I am battling a similar situation with my girls they have had it with their dad who can be a bit of an idjit at times yet he remains their dad so I begin to wonder who is the more mature one in it all.... like I said go with what feels right with you and only you.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 8:36 am

just because........

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 2:40 pm

Nomad;540062 wrote: just because........

Nomad...you made me pick my guitar up and play it :guitarist

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:57 am

I was wondering yesterday if the old man would send a Christmas card this year with a similar bullsh1t excuse to last year. Watch this space.

As a way of punishing me for something, my ex has said that I can't have Laura at Christmas. This is a departure from the other 4 Christmases since our split where she had Laura in the morning and I had her in the afternoon.

Laura doesn't want to spend the day with her Mom and told me this morning that she definately doesn't want to now as a special guest will be going round for Christmas dinner. Yeah , you guessed it.... my old man. (or as he's listed on my cell phone, "Judas"):rolleyes:

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:19 am

Oh geez, Uncle Kram. I am sorry to hear this is happening. Why do the holidays bring this type of thing around. I hope you can work something out.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:49 am

RedGlitter;737434 wrote: Oh geez, Uncle Kram. I am sorry to hear this is happening. Why do the holidays bring this type of thing around. I hope you can work something out.

It's ok, there's nothing to work out. I was just posting an observation. Despite my ramblings in this thread, I don't have a great need for reconciliation with someone who chooses a mendacious, deceitful and blackmailing witch like my ex over me. This sounds bitter, but it's more factually based. I've got all the love I need thanks

.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:53 am

I understand.

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:21 am

Hard isnt it...........to have a childhood of bad memories stays with you forever.I was put with lovely foster parents when I was born that I was with for over 5 years and knew them as Mum and Dad and looking at pictures I realise how happy I must have been.Then my real Mother took me away.She never married and took all her bitterness out on me.Her verbal abuse is still in my head even after all these years.She never cuddled me or told me she loved me and as I write this I have tears in my eyes just thinking about those times.Any friend I made as a child she would also give verbal abuse to and her drinking only made it worse.She would turn the electric off so I couldnt even put a light on when I came home from school and she was at work.All she ever drumed in to me was that I was no good like my father and his name she took with her to her grave.The thing was I wasn't bad.I worked......I didn't sleep around. In later years when I married she wouldnt even go to my wedding.But theres a big But here...........I left a message with her care taker where she lived and said if she ever needed me would they contact me. I got that call one cold winters days. There was snow on the ground but I knew I had to go to her. She had been taken into The London Hospital..................Cancer.She was in there 6 weeks.For the first time I saw the "real" her.All she kept saying was how much she loved me.....and spoke about "all those wasted years".I saw another person lying there.I saw a very funny,loving old lady who actually loved me..........something that took her over 40 years to tell me.I was told she had only months to live and insisted that she came back to our house.It was my birthday when we picked her up and she gave me a birthday card which I still have. It reads.............to my lovely Carol, you will always be my little girl.....I love you.Even now those words get to me as I do think of all those wasted years. She died the day after I took her home.It was a terrible painful death and those months they thought she would live for was taken away.The smile on her face though when she had passed over told me that at last she was in peace and at last happy. The point I am trying to make is this...........if you have time to make things right love fgs do it.I wouldnt trade thoses last weeks with my mother for anything and not a day goes by without me thi nking about her and feeling nothing but love for her.Maybe I have alot to thank her for as it has turned me into the person I am today as it indeed has made you the person you are.I never had any children.......through choice and maybe that was through my own childhood I dont know and yes I do regret that.Dont have any regrets as at least I can look back and know I done the right thing and also have the memories of a dear old lady.............God Bless Her.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:41 am

*sunny prays the time goes quickly till Laura turns 18 so Krammy can be free from mommy dearest*

:o

:-4 :-6

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:58 am

Well I did get a card yesterday. After the usual Christmasy stuff, he added P.S. I think about you often. It is now almost 5 years since he came to see me so I find these comments very confusing. :-3

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:11 am

I really feel for you Krammie and for Laura, she's a lovely girl who doesn't deserve to be used as a weapon by her mum. Give her a big hug from me.:-4

As for your dad - he's probably thinking about how lonely he'd be at Christmas if it wasn't for your ex and keeping a way open to you if she decides she doesn't want him after all. Cynical - I know, wrong - I hope.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:43 am

Imladris;738704 wrote: I really feel for you Krammie and for Laura, she's a lovely girl who doesn't deserve to be used as a weapon by her mum. Give her a big hug from me.:-4

As for your dad - he's probably thinking about how lonely he'd be at Christmas if it wasn't for your ex and keeping a way open to you if she decides she doesn't want him after all. Cynical - I know, wrong - I hope.
He wouldn't be lonely as he has his wife and mother-in-law who are going too.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:23 am

jimbo;738770 wrote: krambo,i'm having such a problem myself

my father was an inhuman monster who used to beat me black and blue as a kid and he was too cruel for words

i went to see him when my daughter was over as she asked to see him ,all he did was spout on about how much he hates ther yanks ,which did not go down too well seeing as my daughter is now an american :-5:-5

she said she never wants too see him again ,but he wants to see me ,would it make me as bad a monster as he was if i turned my back on a frail old man who has not long left on earth

no! :-6

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Dec 14, 2007 6:51 am

Uncle Kram;737425 wrote: I was wondering yesterday if the old man would send a Christmas card this year with a similar bullsh1t excuse to last year. Watch this space.

As a way of punishing me for something, my ex has said that I can't have Laura at Christmas. This is a departure from the other 4 Christmases since our split where she had Laura in the morning and I had her in the afternoon.

Laura doesn't want to spend the day with her Mom and told me this morning that she definately doesn't want to now as a special guest will be going round for Christmas dinner. Yeah , you guessed it.... my old man. (or as he's listed on my cell phone, "Judas"):rolleyes:

Sorry to hear that about Laura Unc, my boy is ten now and has requested to come here after Christmas dinner with his Dad (they are with him for the weekend bef and were meant to be there right through until Boxing day), luckily for me his Dad has listened and agreed. Pity your ex couldn't do the same for Laura.

Have a great Christmas and New Year with Lee :-4

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Dec 15, 2007 6:16 am

Uncle Kram;738694 wrote: Well I did get a card yesterday. After the usual Christmasy stuff, he added P.S. I think about you often. It is now almost 5 years since he came to see me so I find these comments very confusing. :-3
Maybe he's logging on here.

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 6:40 am

I grew up in a 'normal' family environment, so find it difficult to comprehend why someone would be like that. You should not feel bad because you have certainly tried your hardest. Seems hard on you every time you try, that I'm sure you feel like you're beating your head against a wall at times.

I guess in the main (if it helps), I ususally live by a 'no regrets' philosophy. Easier to say, harder in practice. But essentially you need to be satisfied in yourself that you have tried your hardest to make it work, and it hasn't. Once you are at that point, you can't regret that it didn't work (you can be upset about it, but you can't really regret something you don't have control over), and I guess you can possibly move forward.

Remember that the positive side of the fact that he has a relationship with your ex-wife is that at least you daughter is able to know him and thus she hasn't 'missed out' on having a grandfather.

Perhaps that was how things were meant to be - maybe you were never destined to get along, but circumstances have at least let your daughter know him as her grandfather.

Take care

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:10 am

PurpleChicken;741600 wrote: I grew up in a 'normal' family environment, so find it difficult to comprehend why someone would be like that. You should not feel bad because you have certainly tried your hardest. Seems hard on you every time you try, that I'm sure you feel like you're beating your head against a wall at times.

I guess in the main (if it helps), I ususally live by a 'no regrets' philosophy. Easier to say, harder in practice. But essentially you need to be satisfied in yourself that you have tried your hardest to make it work, and it hasn't. Once you are at that point, you can't regret that it didn't work (you can be upset about it, but you can't really regret something you don't have control over), and I guess you can possibly move forward.

Remember that the positive side of the fact that he has a relationship with your ex-wife is that at least you daughter is able to know him and thus she hasn't 'missed out' on having a grandfather.

Perhaps that was how things were meant to be - maybe you were never destined to get along, but circumstances have at least let your daughter know him as her grandfather.

Take care

My daughter, and my son for that matter, are fiercely loyal to me. My daughter resents my Dads treatment of me. I didn't want our situation to intrude into her relationship with him but it has and her comments regarding him are pretty scathing I must say. She doesn't want to spend time with him at Christmas, she wants to be with me instead, but I'm working on her to accept it as it's out of our hands for now.

My ex is moving house today so it will come as no shock to regular visitors to this thread, that my Dad is round there right now with his toolbox.

I did a few drafts of what I was going to write on my card to him, but they were all semi-belligerent, so I just went for the soft option and sent him my new address saying if he ever wanted to get in touch to give me a call. My girlfriend has urged a more reconciliatory approach, but I can't find the pleasant words in my heart.

If my house sale goes to plan, I will be out of there on Jan 22nd next year. I will then have had 2 massively transformed houses my Dad never saw or appreciated.

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:19 am

Sorry, I haven't been here for quite a while, so didn't have time to read through the whole thread. So apologies that I didn't pick up you had a son as well and that the relationship between your dad and your daughter was not so crash hot.

Personally, I think you have done all that you can, and to try and push reconciliation might just be setting yourself up for disappointment again. I guess you should continue to try the softer approach and let him know that your door is always open, but realistically you are unlikely to have a fulfilling relationship with him.

Easy to say and much harder in practice I know... must be heartbreaking for you at this time of year (particularly the bit about not seeing your daughter), so my thoughts go out to you.... :yh_hugs

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:32 am

(or as he's listed on my cell phone, "Judas"):rolleyes:

:wah:

Im sorry but that made me chortle.

I heard something yesterday..........the only thing worse than not having a dad is having one.

Amen.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:34 am

Just to wrap this thread up, I'll bring you up to speed.

My Dad has continued to be a regular visitor to my ex-wife, round for Sunday dinner all the time etc. Her son calls him Grandad, she calls him Dad and he went round for dinner on Fathers Day. They deserve each other but I've been looking for a way to draw a line under the whole sorry saga. I thought about writing a letter and started one a couple of days ago but after half a page it was bin bound.

On impulse (yet again) I just phoned him. He spoke of his bowls exploits before I asked the killer question in an emotionless tone I hardly recognised : "So howcome you haven't been to visit me for 5Â½ years?"

He said it hadn't been that long until I clarified the situation with dates. He squirmed and evaded the subject by changing it to something else. He wasn't ever going to answer that was he? I said I'd let him go as he was probably busy and he bowed out this way. As an afterthought he said he'd TRY to come and see me. I surprised myself by smiling at the audacity of the man. I just said "yeah, ok". the last words he will ever speak to me were "Look after yourself". I said "Yeah, you too" in a soft low tone and then that was it. All over. Gone forever.

The End.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:44 am

Sorry Unc I wished it had gone better.

You know now and you won't wonder anymore.

[QUOTE]Just to wrap this thread up, I'll bring you up to speed.

My Dad has continued to be a regular visitor to my ex-wife, round for Sunday dinner all the time etc. Her son calls him Grandad, she calls him Dad and he went round for dinner on Fathers Day. They deserve each other but I've been looking for a way to draw a line under the whole sorry saga. I thought about writing a letter and started one a couple of days ago but after half a page it was bin bound.

On impulse (yet again) I just phoned him. He spoke of his bowls exploits before I asked the killer question in an emotionless tone I hardly recognised : "So howcome you haven't been to visit me for 5Â½ years?"

He said it hadn't been that long until I clarified the situation with dates. He squirmed and evaded the subject by changing it to something else. He wasn't ever going to answer that was he? I said I'd let him go as he was probably busy and he bowed out this way. As an afterthought he said he'd TRY to come and see me. I surprised myself by smiling at the audacity of the man. I just said "yeah, ok". the last words he will ever speak to me were "Look after yourself". I said "Yeah, you too" in a soft low tone and then that was it. All over. Gone forever.

The End.[/QUOTE]

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:48 am

Ahhhhhhh Krammy:-6

I'm so sorry.....how can a Dad do that to his son...... is truly beyond me. Hope you find closure somehow....best wishes to you:-6

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:56 am

Funny...sad funny.

Weve been through similar experiences at almost the same time in life.

My take...you dont need your fathers approval to be whole.

That missing thing with him wont complete you because you have already surpassed his measure of fatherhood.

You made lemonade, you are complete and whole.

Drop it, let it go.

Look at who you are, your life. Youre already there.

Let that nagging feeling dissolve because youre needed here. By your kids, your fiancee, mom.

If you can accept that dad will never be who you need him to be then go be peaceful with yourself you will have made the hurdle.

Sometimes its only a matter of deciding, you know, a concerted effort to cross that imaginary barrier.

Go !

For what its worth.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:01 am

Nomad;906256 wrote: Funny...sad funny.

Weve been through similar experiences at almost the same time in life.

My take...you dont need your fathers approval to be whole.

That missing thing with him wont complete you because you have already surpassed his measure of fatherhood.

You made lemonade, you are complete and whole.

Drop it, let it go.

Look at who you are, your life. Youre already there.

Let that nagging feeling dissolve because youre needed here. By your kids, your fiancee, mom.

If you can accept that dad will never be who you need him to be then go be peaceful with yourself you will have made the hurdle.

Sometimes its only a matter of deciding, you know, a concerted effort to cross that imaginary barrier.

Go !

For what its worth.

It's worth a lot. Your posts always speak to me. Thanks Brian

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:32 pm

Can't add to Brian's post. I'm glad you were able to close it. :yh_flower

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:06 pm

There was one thing that occured to me as I was driving N on Hwy 169 this evening. (if Im able to translate thoughts to words)

Perhaps your father has already given you his greatest gift by default but a gift none the less.

You have been a good father to your children. If you can say that and believe it then Im certain your ambition is at least somewhat derived from your desire to do it differently than dad did.

To be better, stronger, there for your children. They know they can rely on you and just maybe it comes from what your father taught you not to be.

You were sacrificed, we both were, but the beauty lies in breaking the chain, the horrible cycle that perpetuates itself in so many failed families.

Alcoholic father, alcoholic son. Distant, wife beater, criminal...pick one.

Your strength lies in what you do now because of your past.

With the utmost sincerity, be proud and hold your head high.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:08 pm

By the way have you seen Dewey ?

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:10 pm

Nomad, you are incredible! (not about the Dewey part though...crazy nut!) I agree 100% ! I can't add anything to that.

Krammy, I wish only the best for you and yours:-4:-4

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:14 pm

Nomie your something else your words are alway worth it. :-4