KayKay wrote: I have four adult daughters and three out of four of them continually are in conflict with me. I am not understanding how this could happen as I was a dedicated, stay-at-home mother and now it seems that for everything that goes wrong in their lives, they have me to blame. It is driving me crazy and I find I have to defend myself all of the time. It hurts me so much I have decided to seek therapy to find out if I am doing something wrong. One of my daughters however supports me and feels it is the oldest daughter that is trying to dethrone me so that the others will rally around her.
Does anyone else have problems in a mother/daughter relationship? If so, I would love to hear how you handle it as I feel I am close to disengaging entirely with the oldest one to spare me this pain.
Sounds to me like you need to tell them that they are adults now and it is time to grow up and move on with their lives.
Mothers and Daughters
Mothers and Daughters
I had major problems with my Mom for many years, I think the only thing
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.
I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.
The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.
Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.
Hang in there.
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.
I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.
The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.
Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.
Hang in there.
Mothers and Daughters
valerie wrote: I had major problems with my Mom for many years, I think the only thing
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.
I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.
The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.
Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.
Hang in there.
I am a rare duck, my mother has always been my very best friend. I can't imagine life differently.
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.
I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.
The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.
Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.
Hang in there.
I am a rare duck, my mother has always been my very best friend. I can't imagine life differently.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
― Mae West
― Mae West
Mothers and Daughters
KayKay,
Sweetie, I feel your pain.. !! I only have 1 adult daughter, but it has been a rocky relationship for many, many years..@!!
I will gladly be a available for drink, chat, and just plain bitching, when ever you need to discuss our daughters !!!
Sweetie, I feel your pain.. !! I only have 1 adult daughter, but it has been a rocky relationship for many, many years..@!!
I will gladly be a available for drink, chat, and just plain bitching, when ever you need to discuss our daughters !!!
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
Mothers and Daughters
Sometimes when you devote yourself to your children they resent you as an interference/overbearing. Really they are just trying to find out who they are and take their frustrations out on you. It is hard to say exactly how they got the negative impressions but I highly recommend to you and any other parent of girls the book "Reviving Ophelia". My daughter is only nine but I am already reading it to help me cope with what she will be going through as she grows up. Please check it out.
Mothers and Daughters
Hi KayKay... the one daughter that you have a good relationship with ~ What does she say about your situation with her three sisters?
I have a friend with 2 daughters (16 & 18) that walk all over her like she is a slave and they own her. I cannot believe the disrespect I see/hear in that house by these two spoiled, self centered brats... maybe it will change when they get older - but they way the treat their mother is deplorable.
I hope your girls respect you even though you are having a rough go of it right now.
I have a friend with 2 daughters (16 & 18) that walk all over her like she is a slave and they own her. I cannot believe the disrespect I see/hear in that house by these two spoiled, self centered brats... maybe it will change when they get older - but they way the treat their mother is deplorable.
I hope your girls respect you even though you are having a rough go of it right now.
Mothers and Daughters
KayKay, i have sons, they don't pull too much on me? I know when they are mad, i always listen. If they do things to me i don't agree with, i tell them, you have "something" wrong with you? I am honest and giving, it is difficult, usually the problem stems from the father? The father sets examples towards the mother, children will follow? Buy a Sweat Shirt & have it Screen Printed: a message for them, example: I need a HUG! or Innocent until Proven Gulity...let them know how you feel. speak UP!
Everyone has these on their face? TULIPS.
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
Mothers and Daughters
KayKay wrote: I am thinking a lot of her anger is because of the fact that her father never would let her measure up to him and when he divorced me, he divorced our adult kids as well. My son is the only one who has anything to do with the father. My eldest daughter is very successful like he was and has not spoken to him for 11 years. I have tried to get her to make contact with him. I feel that possibly since she cannot reach him, she takes her anger out on me. She also has put career in front of having children so now after two miscarriages, she cannot have children and is trying to adopt. Unfortunately, she makes herself out to be a victim and blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life. I have begged her to get therapy with me. She claims I love the others more than her. I am looking into therapy in order to understand how I can deal with this. It affects the whole family as the other members are feeling like they have to choose sides. I believe also that the lack of contact with her father (who she needs approval from) has a lot to do with her striking out at me.
KayKay
First I wish to extend my sympathy in that you have not only had to go through a divorce after such a long time, you are now being challenged by your daughter (along with the others who seem to follow in her footsteps).
You would be an excellent candidate for therapy because your thoughts are insightful and I think you already understand the dynamics of the "new" family unit, but are unable to take steps without some guidance because you dare not "FAIL" again in your daughters' eyes.
No matter the age of the children, divorce is traumatic for children - even grown children, it brings out all of the insecurities we face in the world, because our family unit is the "safe" place where we are loved (this is not entirely true of course, but it is for the majority of families).
You are cast in the role of the responsible one here, whereas I see you are being victimized...and apparently are behaving like the victim as well because your primary desire is not to lose anyone else who you love.
Yes your daughter is angry .... you are the SAFER PARENT TO BE ANGRY WITH because she knows you will not stop loving her as she believes her father did.
But it should not cast you in a role where you are being emotionally battered by your children.
Please do consult a good person you can discuss this with, regain your role in the family unit, and regain some of the self-confidence you should be wearing as a merit badge for raising a large family, and still hoping to keep things intact regardless of your own marital situation.
You needs someone on your side.... apart from a professional....do you have a special friend you could share things with ... to bolster your OWN self-worth...
not your eldest daughter's, nor your other daughters....but your OWN.
Best wishes to you KayKay .... take 2005 by the horns and make up your mind you are not going to live in fear and put downs any more ... not even for love.
Don't "beg" her to do anything. You get your own therapist, sort out your own problems, and let your daughter go her own way. It will be difficult, but if you share therapy, she will turn the sessions into her problems and you will not solve your own just as important ones.
KayKay
First I wish to extend my sympathy in that you have not only had to go through a divorce after such a long time, you are now being challenged by your daughter (along with the others who seem to follow in her footsteps).
You would be an excellent candidate for therapy because your thoughts are insightful and I think you already understand the dynamics of the "new" family unit, but are unable to take steps without some guidance because you dare not "FAIL" again in your daughters' eyes.
No matter the age of the children, divorce is traumatic for children - even grown children, it brings out all of the insecurities we face in the world, because our family unit is the "safe" place where we are loved (this is not entirely true of course, but it is for the majority of families).
You are cast in the role of the responsible one here, whereas I see you are being victimized...and apparently are behaving like the victim as well because your primary desire is not to lose anyone else who you love.
Yes your daughter is angry .... you are the SAFER PARENT TO BE ANGRY WITH because she knows you will not stop loving her as she believes her father did.
But it should not cast you in a role where you are being emotionally battered by your children.
Please do consult a good person you can discuss this with, regain your role in the family unit, and regain some of the self-confidence you should be wearing as a merit badge for raising a large family, and still hoping to keep things intact regardless of your own marital situation.
You needs someone on your side.... apart from a professional....do you have a special friend you could share things with ... to bolster your OWN self-worth...
not your eldest daughter's, nor your other daughters....but your OWN.
Best wishes to you KayKay .... take 2005 by the horns and make up your mind you are not going to live in fear and put downs any more ... not even for love.
Don't "beg" her to do anything. You get your own therapist, sort out your own problems, and let your daughter go her own way. It will be difficult, but if you share therapy, she will turn the sessions into her problems and you will not solve your own just as important ones.
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Wednesday's Child
- Posts: 111
- Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 1:00 pm
Mothers and Daughters
KayKay
Your positive response that you are willing to seek assistance for yourself again affirms to me you will greatly benefit from some sessions for your own guidance....
Not to empower your daughter further but she has her own set of problems....she has lost the love of her father (not true but deep down her secure world has shifted), and she is failing at motherhood (the one accomplishment you enjoyed over and over - what five or six times?) The very "career" you chose where you succeeded, she has been unable to replicate. She is frustrated of course, but there are many ways to be a good mother and she will find her own way, not at your expense!
She would also benefit from therapy but I repeat, you need your own time, with your own individual person, to help you pick out the rocks on the path so your can place your feet firmly on your ground and concentrate on your successful destination of peace within the family unit once again.
At the very least, it will be a win win for you - because it will dramatically help you in your own personal sorrow.
Your children will have to work out their own problems. All you can be is the rock to which they swim when they are in trouble. But not using you to take out their anger and revenge against the comfortable world you apparently created for them as their loving mother.
Time for KayKay to take care of herself now! You will be fine!
Your positive response that you are willing to seek assistance for yourself again affirms to me you will greatly benefit from some sessions for your own guidance....
Not to empower your daughter further but she has her own set of problems....she has lost the love of her father (not true but deep down her secure world has shifted), and she is failing at motherhood (the one accomplishment you enjoyed over and over - what five or six times?) The very "career" you chose where you succeeded, she has been unable to replicate. She is frustrated of course, but there are many ways to be a good mother and she will find her own way, not at your expense!
She would also benefit from therapy but I repeat, you need your own time, with your own individual person, to help you pick out the rocks on the path so your can place your feet firmly on your ground and concentrate on your successful destination of peace within the family unit once again.
At the very least, it will be a win win for you - because it will dramatically help you in your own personal sorrow.
Your children will have to work out their own problems. All you can be is the rock to which they swim when they are in trouble. But not using you to take out their anger and revenge against the comfortable world you apparently created for them as their loving mother.
Time for KayKay to take care of herself now! You will be fine!
Mothers and Daughters
Your not alone Kay . I raised two sons alone. They have my heart. They put me through such heartache sometimes I could lay down on the floor and cry my eyes out. They each view their upbringing in a totally different way. The older son harbours all kinds of dissatisfactions with his upbringing. The younger son thinks Im great. He always tells me " Just give up battling with my brother mom. Hes never going to see it your way" They were sucking me so dry emmotionaly, that last year I decided to move away from them, and give them some space. And give me some space. The only answer is what everyone has told you. If you know youve done the best you could,let go of it. Concentrate on yourself now. Easier said than done I know. FG is cheaper than therapy... plus you get a whole world of input, rather than just the therapists. ha ha ha
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samanthaguy
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2005 10:27 am
Mothers and Daughters
:-5 KayKay wrote: I have four adult daughters and three out of four of them continually are in conflict with me. I am not understanding how this could happen as I was a dedicated, stay-at-home mother and now it seems that for everything that goes wrong in their lives, they have me to blame. It is driving me crazy and I find I have to defend myself all of the time. It hurts me so much I have decided to seek therapy to find out if I am doing something wrong. One of my daughters however supports me and feels it is the oldest daughter that is trying to dethrone me so that the others will rally around her.
Does anyone else have problems in a mother/daughter relationship? If so, I would love to hear how you handle it as I feel I am close to disengaging entirely with the oldest one to spare me this pain.
hi, my mother and i dont get along that well but as i get older things seem to get better, i do however emember when i was a teenager and always in trouble it was always her fault. sometimes you have to put up with alot of things you dont want to for the ones you love. sit them down and talk, that will work best
Does anyone else have problems in a mother/daughter relationship? If so, I would love to hear how you handle it as I feel I am close to disengaging entirely with the oldest one to spare me this pain.
hi, my mother and i dont get along that well but as i get older things seem to get better, i do however emember when i was a teenager and always in trouble it was always her fault. sometimes you have to put up with alot of things you dont want to for the ones you love. sit them down and talk, that will work best
VERY OPEN MINDED....BUT OFTEN CONFUSED......Mothers and Daughters
i think every girl goes through a period in her life when she feels she has to assert herself and make people realise she is not a little girl anymore, I know i did and mums are often the ones that bear the brunt of this. Me and my mum have always been close but we went through a time when I was in my mid-teens when I blamed her for everything that was bad about me and my life, its just the way it is. I'd say stick it out and they will grow out of it but then again maybe it'll take longer than it did with me or maybe they will never realise how great their mum is. A mum should be a girl's best friend, confidante and the one they turn to when it all goes pear-shaped. I know i do with my mum coz lets face who knows when it'll be too late and she is not there anymore, i would hate to have been horrible to her and regret it for the rest of my life, she gave birth to me, if she doesn't deserve respect who does?!
ok, ok rant over now :wah:
ok, ok rant over now :wah: