Being alone is not always a choice

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BabyRider
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by BabyRider »

Are you sure that adults don't like you? It's kind of difficult to give you any thoughts on this when I don't really know you. As for being alone, (as in not having a significant other) I see nothing wrong with this. A person does not have to be in a relationship to be whole. In fact, it's my opinion that when a person can be truly happy with just themself for company, they are a better candidate for a relationship, when that time comes.

On the other hand, maybe you're just selective, and unwilling to "settle" for just anyone who comes along so as not to be alone. Also not a bad thing. I'm not sure that helps, but it's just one person's perspective.
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Paula
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Post by Paula »

Well you are not alone here, send a picture of you so we can see? And to say, i don't smell is so funny. To some degree i can relate as i am not the type to be overly friendly, i keep to myself too. Coming here fills time in my life i would otherwise be doing work. Do you have any interests and what are they? :)
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Cass
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Post by Cass »

Gee thats a tough one... I think it would be terrible to think that people dont' like me. I am wondering are you tolerant and accepting of peoples faults or are you a perfectionist with high standards in what you expect from a friend/partner?
Paula
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Post by Paula »

You identify yourself as hairygarden? Do you have a facial hair problem or a visual deformity? Your last relationship was what? Are you a member of another forum? give some more clues? :)
Everyone has these on their face? TULIPS.
A Karenina
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Post by A Karenina »

This is a tough love approach, but I do care - or I wouldn't be responding.



hairygarden1 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way.
How can you be where you are and not be responsible for where you are?



My favorite therapist (we can pick THAT apart later, LOL)...my favorite therapist often talked about our defense mechanism, and subconscious behaviors. He said that we often outgrow the need for specific defenses, and yet our subconscious doesn't catch up with that. We repeat the same behaviors because they are what we know...not necessarily what's best for us.



Is it possible that at one point in your life you felt safe by keeping people at an emotional distance? And now, you longer have that need, but your defense mechanisms automatically kick in, pushing people away?



hairygarden1 wrote: I fully believe that I am cursed.
If you believe yourself to be cursed, then you are. If you believe you are nice and non-smelly, then you are. We really are what we think we are. We project our own thoughts of ourself to others, and they respond to those thoughts. Make sense?





hairygarden1 wrote: I've never done anything to hurt anyone
We've all hurt people, usually without intending to. I think you are referring to physical harm and extreme situations...but it was worth mentioning. There is already a victim trend going here. Do you see it? If you can see it, you can stop it, change it, and become empowered over your own life.



hairygarden1 wrote: and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people.
Well, many things could be happening here. Why do you think people say that to you? Are these people you work with? Do you use a different persona at work? (I do.)

What do you say to these people when they claim you don't need people? Do you show vulnerability?



hairygarden1 wrote: I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer.
They probably don't know you. If you aren't close to anyone, then how can they judge who you are? They can't like or dislike you - they don't have a clue about you.



I'd like to talk to you more about empowering yourself. It starts with taking responsibility for where you are. If you can't do that, then you can never take the steps needed to move beyond this point.



It's really ok to look at yourself honestly, to see both the good and the bad, and to accept that you are who you are...at the same time realizing that you can be even better, happier, stronger, more at peace tomorrow.



If I've hurt you, then I am sorry. But this is what I see. And I always believe in hope, growth, and potential for everyone. :)
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

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weeder
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by weeder »

hairygarden1 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way. I fully believe that I am cursed. I'm a nice person, I don't smell, I've never done anything to hurt anyone and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people. Of course I need friends and love, I say to them, I'm human and those needs have to be fulfilled. I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer. Children like me, babies like me and even animals like me. But almost all adults do not like me. I really need some feed back on this.
Firstl, my heart goes out to you. If you are able to describe yourself and the feelings you have about being alone here.. so openly.. thats a great quality right there. The ability to be so opened. I would have to know how old you are to give better advice,, Because if your in your twenties.. your possibly over reacting to the length of years youve been on your own. Im 53 havent been in a relationship in 4 years. I have been before. And I do have friends. I can tell you this.. I meet many single women in my age bracket, lets say 40 to 55.They probobly would like to describe their lack of companions exactly the way you did.. Of course they dont. Where do you work? Where do you socialize? what are your hobbies?

Look around you.. you will see all kinds of couples.. Some paired off people arent very good looking.... some are beautiful... some not so smart.. some very smart

some even smell..( Im laughing myself to death with that one.. Said it to make you laugh! My point is there is someone for everyone..... If thats what you want. Im not bad looking,not obese. pretty smart, I dont smell.. and I dont have anyone.Have to be honest and say.. I dont go looking for anyone either. But lets just say I made it a priority to find someone. Put as much effort into it as I do my work..or even participating here... I could have someone in a couple of weeks.

The big question is.. What would I have? Go do something you love to do... and you will find someome to love.. And dont say the things about yourself you said here to anyone face to face... Or they will run for the hills....
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Bill Sikes
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by Bill Sikes »

hairygarden1 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way. I fully believe that I am cursed. I'm a nice person, I don't smell, I've never done anything to hurt anyone and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people. Of course I need friends and love, I say to them, I'm human and those needs have to be fulfilled. I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer. Children like me, babies like me and even animals like me. But almost all adults do not like me. I really need some feed back on this.


Please enclose scratch'n'sniff picture and life history for a frank yet sympathetic diagnosis. Just keeping posting might be useful.
Misha
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Post by Misha »

hairygarden1 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way. I fully believe that I am cursed. I'm a nice person, I don't smell, I've never done anything to hurt anyone and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people. Of course I need friends and love, I say to them, I'm human and those needs have to be fulfilled. I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer. Children like me, babies like me and even animals like me. But almost all adults do not like me. I really need some feed back on this.


Hello, Always alone

I have been cursed with the same condition for the last 20 years.

Though I have had acquantances, they never were my trusted friends.

I have felt that I may be paying some kind of karmic debt though that may not be rational. I can't say that people don't like me but they seem indifferent and hypocritical. I am a gentle soul who is kind to all whom I meet but can never attract someone of the opposite sex though they will talk to me but that is all.

I have been in short term relationships and for whatever reason, no one ever commits. Maybe I choose the wrong types. Or that my being a nice guy makes the other person feel inferior to what I do for them.

I know who I am and have great confidence in my abilities and personality.

I am an empatath and so I come off as sensitive.

But enough for now as I do not know if you are ever returning to this forum as your date is last year.
Misha
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Post by Misha »

SnoozeControl wrote: Well, this is a good place to make friends, Misha. Welcome to FG and I hope you enjoy your time here. :)


Thankyou.

I came here by accident and realized that there are many people

looking for advice in"Friends, Relationships, & Advice" and so I have posted some

tribulations of my own including opinions that are not to be mistaken for advice.;)
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Carolyn
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Post by Carolyn »

This might interest you:

http://www.physorg.com/news70294558.html



Also, I have always been the type that when I had a problem, I took an active effort to solve it. If I wanted more friends, I would make an effort to be where I could meet more people. Join a bowling league, do volunteer work, take a night course in something you are interested in, etc. We can't make new friends in our living rooms. I have found too, that many a romantic relationship either starts with a simple friendship or you meet that someone through a friend.



Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. When I feel down, I think of something to do to improve myself. I just started taking a long walk everyday and for some reason that has made me feel better in many ways. (I had surgery last year for a burst appendix with complications and I am still working on getting my strength back.) I change my hair color or style. I contact a friend I haven't heard from in ages. If I don't like myself, how can I expect anyone else too. So, I fix what I don't like. I haven't been real thrilled with myself since the surgery because I still felt so weak. But, I started a work out routine at home and have now worked my way up to taking these walks. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to start looking for a new job. It takes planning and action to improve our lives.
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Misha
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Post by Misha »

Also, I have always been the type that when I had a problem, I took an active effort to solve it. If I wanted more friends, I would make an effort to be where I could meet more people. Join a bowling league, do volunteer work, take a night course in something you are interested in, etc. We can't make new friends in our living rooms. I have found too, that many a romantic relationship either starts with a simple friendship or you meet that someone through a friend.



Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. When I feel down, I think of something to do to improve myself. I just started taking a long walk everyday and for some reason that has made me feel better in many ways. (I had surgery last year for a burst appendix with complications and I am still working on getting my strength back.) I change my hair color or style. I contact a friend I haven't heard from in ages. If I don't like myself, how can I expect anyone else too. So, I fix what I don't like. I haven't been real thrilled with myself since the surgery because I still felt so weak. But, I started a work out routine at home and have now worked my way up to taking these walks. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to start looking for a new job. It takes planning and action to improve our lives.


Thankyou but I have been there and done that.

Not all of us are cut from the same cloth.

Some of us just don't fit into bingo games, bars, discos or night classes.

Yes there are alternative cultures but some of us are at an age where even though we would of fit in 25 years ago, are now out of place.

Kind of an in between world.
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Carolyn
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Post by Carolyn »

Thankyou but I have been there and done that.

Not all of us are cut from the same cloth.

Some of us just don't fit into bingo games, bars, discos or night classes.

Yes there are alternative cultures but some of us are at an age where even though we would of fit in 25 years ago, are now out of place.

Kind of an in between world.
______________________________________________________________

I would never recommend bingo, bars, or discos. But, everyone has interests and something to offer society. The things I recommended were just sugestions. We are individuals and what works for one may not work for another. The point was to find a reason to get out and meet people. If you want a friend, you have to be a friend.
Laughter is the shortest distance

between two people. Hugo



And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend. Longfellow
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Carolyn
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Post by Carolyn »

SnoozeControl wrote: I disagree with "We can't make new friends in our living rooms." as I think most people that belong to FG would.

Give it a chance.


We can make "internet friends" in our living rooms and that is great. I post on several forums and have made friends with many of the other memebers. But, I will probably never actually meet them in person. hairygarden1 is asking our opinion on meeting friends outside of the internet world. I realize the value of internet friends. During my recovery, they brought me many hours of companionship and words of encouragement and I wouldn't give them up for anything. However, we all need person to person relationships.
Laughter is the shortest distance

between two people. Hugo



And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend. Longfellow
weeder
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Post by weeder »

Frienship, or cultivating frienship is an art, like everything else. It takes patience and some degree of commitment. It doesnt happen over night. And a good rule to be aware of is.. You cant always judge a book by its cover. I am usually liked immensely, or disliked almost immediately. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I am usually too straight forward for many new acquaintances. Although Ive been married, and have also had long term relationships... I more than likely will not have another one. The reason is because I am not willing to pay the price required. Compromise, and accountability. And so, I rely on old time long cultivated frienships to see me through when I need companionship.
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Carolyn
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Post by Carolyn »

SnoozeControl wrote: You know, this would be a great topic for a poll! I've got to get to work, but unless someone starts one today, I think this evening will see a poll asking how many have met online friends, etc. I know there are several people in here that actually married others they met online, so this could be interesting.


I agree. I have intenet friends in Scotland, England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and the U.S. The great thing is that we have a way to communicate with each other and get all kinds of different outlooks on a wide variety of topics. The sad thing is that we will probably never get to actually meet. I know that some have. But, the majority never will.
Laughter is the shortest distance

between two people. Hugo



And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend. Longfellow
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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

I notice that this thread was started a year ago..and I wonder if this person has come back much since then.

Anyway, getting to the point of this thread, I find that my situation is the exact opposite...sort of. I have always been more comfortable alone, and a bit isolated. It is just the way I have always been. Anyway, when Rick came into my life, almost 10 years ago I had to learn to be more social, and less isolated...to learn to share my life and time with another person.

I find that I still sometimes feel more comfortable with a small group of people, or alone (just me and Rick) than in a larger crowd. I think that is why I am often more comfortable in a place like this..an internet society. I know that it is not go to have this be my only form of interaction, and I have gotten better and more sure of myself. But, old habits do die hard.

So I understand the feeling of being isolated, and not wanting it to be the only way, but what happens when that is where you feel most comfortable??
Jives
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Post by Jives »

hairygarden1 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way. I fully believe that I am cursed. I'm a nice person, I don't smell, I've never done anything to hurt anyone and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people. Of course I need friends and love, I say to them, I'm human and those needs have to be fulfilled. I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer. Children like me, babies like me and even animals like me. But almost all adults do not like me. I really need some feed back on this.


Yeah, I went through the same thing. I didn't get married until I was 34, so I took a lot of flak for being a bachelor for so long. Don't worry. When the right person comes along, your lonely days will be over.
All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players...Shakespeare
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minks
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Post by minks »

Carolyn wrote: I agree. I have intenet friends in Scotland, England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and the U.S. The great thing is that we have a way to communicate with each other and get all kinds of different outlooks on a wide variety of topics. The sad thing is that we will probably never get to actually meet. I know that some have. But, the majority never will.


I have been blessed with having met 11 FG members this past May. Yes made friends from my living room. As well put me in the stats column under Met My Partner On The Net too.

I think either way is a good way to meet friends, you still have to have... social skills of some sort.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

― Mae West
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cherandbuster
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Post by cherandbuster »

minks wrote: As well put me in the stats column under Met My Partner On The Net too.


That is AWESOME, Minxy (my new nickname for you):)

True Love Reigns:D
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OutsideLookinIn
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Post by OutsideLookinIn »

This is so amazing. If you notice, I call myself OutsideLookinIn because that pretty much describes how I feel about my life, and what you've said about yourself hits so close to home. I am not unattractive. I am intelligent, can carry on a conversation (if someone else starts it), and I have not had one date...not ONE! or anyone even asking me out or wanting me to meet one of their friends, etc., since my divorce in 1989. Yes, 1989. I've tried changing many things about myself, thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, but none of those changes made any difference whatsoever, and now, at the age of 60 (two weeks ago, happy birthday to me!) I figure I'll never know why I can't have a social life, friends calling me to join them for dinner, or outings, etc. I get along great with the people I work with, yet I'm never asked to join anyone for anything. I don't understand it, and I never will.
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CARLA
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Post by CARLA »

OutsidelookinIn I'm soon to be 59 so I can relate a bit to your situation. I get along with my peers at work but they are much younger than I, so I understand when they don't include me. I do go to happy hour every now and then and have a good time. :D

I have two sister who live her in San Diego as well they are really the only people I hang with for the most part they are 58, and 54, so we can relate to each other. A social life is what you make of it I don't have much of one either and I truly don't mind one bit. ;) A good book or movie and a glass of Champagne is all I need.. Relax you seem like a very cool lady to me kiddo..!! ;)
ALOHA!!

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WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"

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cherandbuster
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Post by cherandbuster »

CARLA wrote: Relax you seem like a very cool lady to me kiddo..!! ;)


What a nice thing to say about someone:-6

I am a very sociable person but have few close friends. Most people are surprised to hear that about me, but that's just the way I'm wired. I'm content being alone; sometimes I think I am almost 'too content'.

But I do enjoy my own company. And I guess that's a good thing.
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Mongoose
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Post by Mongoose »

What Hairygarden1 and Outsidelooking in have said pretty much describes how I feel about my life as well! I don't think people don't like me, I think they don't like me much lol! I just seem to be on the edge of any friendship group I've had, like they are just talking to me to be polite. I find it hard to fit in anywhere, I seem to like different things to everyone else and have different views. I don't have a close friend which I find hard. I wouldn't miss anyone if they moved away. I don't know if the problem lies with me or them. :confused:
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minks
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Post by minks »

Mongoose wrote: What Hairygarden1 and Outsidelooking in have said pretty much describes how I feel about my life as well! I don't think people don't like me, I think they don't like me much lol! I just seem to be on the edge of any friendship group I've had, like they are just talking to me to be polite. I find it hard to fit in anywhere, I seem to like different things to everyone else and have different views. I don't have a close friend which I find hard. I wouldn't miss anyone if they moved away. I don't know if the problem lies with me or them. :confused:


Perhaps it's how us "alone" folks come across to others. Maybe we look happy with ourselves and others don't think we "need" to be included. I believe if we want to partake we need to assert ourselves and ask, "do you mind if I join you guys this time". 5 years ago I would never have dreamed of inviting myself along, now occasionally I do. Oddly I enjoy it in small doses and am happier with just a one on one or another couple. This I think shines through more than I know. Maybe others of you are the same.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

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Mongoose
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Post by Mongoose »

minks wrote: Perhaps it's how us "alone" folks come across to others. Maybe we look happy with ourselves and others don't think we "need" to be included. I believe if we want to partake we need to assert ourselves and ask, "do you mind if I join you guys this time". 5 years ago I would never have dreamed of inviting myself along, now occasionally I do. Oddly I enjoy it in small doses and am happier with just a one on one or another couple. This I think shines through more than I know. Maybe others of you are the same.


I often wonder whether people do see me on my own a lot and think I'm happy with that. Sometimes I am happy to be on my own mind. I find that if I ask to come along to something I feel I'm intruding and that if they really wanted me there they would've invited me. Maybe I'm just hard to please! lol!
Eve Zapple
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Post by Eve Zapple »

I've gone through alot of the same feelings and emotions your feeling. I've come to except that you are who you are and if people don't like that , that's a reflection on them not you. Be yourself and be proud of the person you are and don't let people change it. Most people have only one real friend in life, WE just seem to have to wait a little longer. I'll be your friend, you can talk to me anytime.
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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

I was alone for over 40 years before meeting my husband. It was a hard adjustment to make, going from being a single person to being part of a couple. I am not sure if I have adjusted yet. But you know, if the time should come that I would be alone again, I do not think I would mind all that much.

I love my husband, but I do not think I would go seeking another relationship outside of friendships.
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Nomad
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Post by Nomad »

People have to try really hard to make me like them. I can only take get togethers so much. Yesterday I was out on my sisters boat with the family. We were out for hours and we jumped in the lake and floated and talked and it was great, but Im good till Thanksgiving now.
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buttercup
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Post by buttercup »

but your not alone nomie, you have lazer
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cherandbuster
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Post by cherandbuster »

Nomad wrote: but Im good till Thanksgiving now.


Oh Nomie

That's just beautiful!! :D
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Lizard Lips
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Post by Lizard Lips »

I think some of us end up alone because we refuse to celebrate mediocrity. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :D
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Marie5656
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Post by Marie5656 »

Nomad wrote: People have to try really hard to make me like them. I can only take get togethers so much. Yesterday I was out on my sisters boat with the family. We were out for hours and we jumped in the lake and floated and talked and it was great, but Im good till Thanksgiving now.


We think alot alike, it seems, Nomad. I rather feel the same way, sometimes. It takes me a good long while to warm up to people. And it does not always happen.
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cherandbuster
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Post by cherandbuster »

Lizard Lips wrote: I think some of us end up alone because we refuse to celebrate mediocrity. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :D


I agree with this, LSquared.

I left my first marriage for exactly that reason. I wanted more for myself.
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minks
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Post by minks »

Mongoose wrote: I often wonder whether people do see me on my own a lot and think I'm happy with that. Sometimes I am happy to be on my own mind. I find that if I ask to come along to something I feel I'm intruding and that if they really wanted me there they would've invited me. Maybe I'm just hard to please! lol!


HAH isn't that a fact, you never want to feel like you are intruding, and you never really know cause most folk are going to say "yes come on along" out of kindness and yes I suppose it could be seen that way, that if they wanted you they would ask you. But I think if you ask to join in and you feel comfortable once in the situation you can ask another couple times and I bet folks will just realize hey lets invite them again.

Awww Eve how nice of you, I think there is quite a few of us here in this similar boat.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�

― Mae West
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sunny104
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by sunny104 »

SnoozeControl wrote: I have a filthy mind in case you haven't noticed, but for the life of me, I can't imagine what he'd need a sock for. :-2
Haven't you seen American Pie?? ;) :D
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sunny104
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by sunny104 »

Pinky wrote: Yeah...it was that! :-3
what a lovely thing to share on a first date....:rolleyes: :D
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cherandbuster
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by cherandbuster »

sunny104 wrote: what a lovely thing to share on a first date....:rolleyes: :D


You mean a last date :)
Live Life with

PASSION
!:guitarist





Ghost Rider
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by Ghost Rider »

Thats exactly the same problem i have, but I'v been enjoying the single life at the most but then to be honest every1 wants to meet there dream partner n i just hope she is out there sumwhere.

My smile and personality, they always say o he is so nice and I am like well geez how do you know at least talk to me first it does bother me because when they see that I am smiling they always think I am so quiet and really I'm not.

Though i am a decent looking guy. And i have been a bit shy of girls. but then the girls whom i proposed to , simply denied me. Its very hard to get over the thing that considering that u r very handsome , beautiful and still dont have anyone around u.
nok
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by nok »

Welcome to my world ! :yh_hugsWe have exactly the same problem. My advice to you would be, if it's difficult for you to find friends around you, then find friends online, chat with them, send e-mails to each other and see where it goes from there or if you really want to ( take the risk), then meet them in person in a public place ( at first), and then after that, it's up to you . Have you tried blind dates ?

I think that if you want people around you, you have to take some chances and some risks, such as being the one who smiles first, greets them first, talks to them first and is friendly to them first.

I hope this helps.
Happiness is not a destiny. It is a daily goal. :)
andnowwhat
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by andnowwhat »

ya know, I hate to be so negitive but yeah I think I may be alone for the rest of my life as well. It's not fair, I'm angery, but I guess no one ever promised me I would lead a happy life.
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flopstock
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by flopstock »

andnowwhat;1341684 wrote: ya know, I hate to be so negitive but yeah I think I may be alone for the rest of my life as well. It's not fair, I'm angery, but I guess no one ever promised me I would lead a happy life.


The trick is to enjoy your own company... then others will want to join it.

Welcome to the garden by the way, it's nice to meet ya!:-6
I expressly forbid the use of any of my posts anywhere outside of FG (with the exception of the incredibly witty 'get a room already' )posted recently.

Folks who'd like to copy my intellectual work should expect to pay me for it.:-6

andnowwhat
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by andnowwhat »

Yeah, and I do and I have. But for the longest time I have felt the whole point to my life is to find love and have kids. People keep telling me that I am a real catch, HA! I have come to the conclusion that there must be something horribly wrong with me because as much as I put myself out there there just dosn't seem to be any takers.

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