Being alone is not always a choice

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Maryly Mack
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by Maryly Mack »

After reading many of the comments to this question/statement, i realize that many people are in the same position, feeling lonely and alone.

As one responder said, it is not always about us; but we are always part of the dynamic.

Being betrayed by a friend really makes me feel alone, and is certainly not a choice. But what i have been able to take away about being let down, is sorting out what i may have had to do with the situation. If i don't see or feel i am at fault, then i almost always choose to let the other person go. Not every person can get along well with or trust every other person!
bestintentions
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Post by bestintentions »

I can empathize and fully understand why you would feel this way. I am in the exact situation. I share all of your conditions and am fully aware that this is a baffling thing indeed.

Why do good, kindhearted, giving, loving, even attractive humans feel rejected and unwanted. Not of any real value. This to me is Tragic.... Everyone deserves someone special who will care for and love them. Miss them if they don't show up after work. Concern for them if they are injured, supportive when they have challenges. I am still not sure why the universe chooses to unfold this way for some. Just continue to let your light shine and soon there will be someone who will pause, take notice and be willing to take the time to get to know you. Thank you for honestly expressing what I needed to hear. I am not alone.
Maryly Mack
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by Maryly Mack »

Beautifully worded! Thank you for sharing.

i agree that there are very many of us, mostly women, i think, who are not alone by choice. Wouldn't it be great to start a Craigslist or Freecycle so we could all network? Some of us may even be in the same city or region!

Maryly
bestintentions
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Post by bestintentions »

Wow,

maybe we could organize and come up with a solution.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

I am located in the high desert outside of Ontario, Oregon

Let's do this..... Togethor....
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Dreamerguy
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Post by Dreamerguy »

I've been reading through this thread and can definitely relate. I think part of the problem is that unless someone is unusually attractive, or has a very outgoing personality you become somewhat "invisible" after sometime around the 40s. It's a common complaint amongst women but it happens to men as well.

To top it all off, I recently started a new profession that tends to be somewhat hierarchical. So I tend to be working with younger people then myself. We get along great work-wise, but socially they tend to be on a different track. And many of the people my age have a higher position so when they get together, I'm not a part of that group either. It kind hits home on days where everyone is going out to lunch.

Some of it is my own doing as well. There are times when I enjoy my own company and that probably is occasionally apparent. I'm trying to consider it a challenge.
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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

hairygarden1;25818 wrote: Sometimes people that don't want to be alone and did not do anything to end up alone end up that way. I fully believe that I am cursed. I'm a nice person, I don't smell, I've never done anything to hurt anyone and still I rarely can find a friend to be with. I haven't been in a relationship in over five years and I'm an attractive woman. People for some reason just do not like me. I've been accused of being alone on purpose, which is not true at all. I have even had people have the nerve to say to me-you are always alone, do you not need people. Of course I need friends and love, I say to them, I'm human and those needs have to be fulfilled. I've asked people to be forward with me and tell me why no one likes me and no one has an answer. Children like me, babies like me and even animals like me. But almost all adults do not like me. I really need some feed back on this.


its always interesting to know you are not alone in the world, when you think your the odd one out etc |!

i could have wrote the exact same words about me and my life ...

im just coming to the conclusion they are the odd ones not me .lol i call myself in another place ' the last cowboy ' no i dont have a hat and boots ..lol i simply think the world has changed i I havent and i feel out of place in this changing world but im sure there are thousands the same as me ..
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

And that's why I have it in my head to go off one day and not only live alone but isolated as well. I don't like the world we live in these days . I was told that I was selfish to do such a thing but I'm finding more and more that I don't really like people . I don't hate them I just find them annoying to be around on a constant basis. My boys have found their own way in life now and most of it I simply do not understand. But they're happy so I'm happy. And I can move on and do my own thing and think my own thoughts now.

I guess I'm the opposite of the OP I'm ready at 45 to be by myself.
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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

this stuff just makes me think more ! as much as i try and brush it under the rug and get on with my life ,

im not sure what to think tho tonight so if any one else is in this place , ' a big hug may make life a little

better for a moment :yh_hugs
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

Mongoose;342132 wrote: What Hairygarden1 and Outsidelooking in have said pretty much describes how I feel about my life as well! I don't think people don'it like me, I think they don't like me much lol! I just seem to be on the edge of any friendship group I've had, like they are just talking to me to be polite. I find it hard to fit in anywhere, I seem to like different things to everyone else and have different views. I don't have a close friend which I find hard. I wouldn't miss anyone if they moved away. I don't know if the problem lies with me or them. :confused:


we all have a place in this world 'just a shame some dont find it ' i have a place , i just havent found any one to share it with...you will find your place. if you see me in mine please say hi i wont bite .we all need friends :-6

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fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

Why don't you put out an ad? If you would like to share your life with someone put out an ad decribing yourself and your attributes and pains.
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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

fuzzywuzzy;1441327 wrote: Why don't you put out an ad? If you would like to share your life with someone put out an ad decribing yourself and your attributes and pains.


not realy my style if it doesnt happen in the natural walk of life it wasnt ment to be, its all great meeting new friends on here but ' love' can only happen one way to me , fate if you believe in that
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

No I don't believe in this understanding of new age 'fate' . Your life travels along based on decisions. some good some bad. Hence why we have "hindsight' So you may make the same decisions but next time round you have a wiser view.

I was once told meeting a person in the northern states was fate. No it wasn't. It came from me making a decision < ----- (note the the word decision) of a different kind and ending up in this persons presence. There was no 'fate' about it. If you travel at a certain point in time you'll meet up with people at a certain point in time . It's easy to work out. Watch a line of ants and you can measure which ones will pass each other at any stage of their travel. it's not fate it's a mathmatical calculation of movement and time. If I travelled to England i'm likely to meet an Englishman becasue at the moment the Engish hold the reign of power at this particular point in history. If I go to India ...the same.
fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

I also believe that 'love ' is a decision. Being 'in love' is just a fleeting emotion and can change on the wind.
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Lone Wolf
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by Lone Wolf »

i think i understand what you are saying , but i dont agree , but that would just tell me we are all very different and although the actions you have stated would make things happen , its not saying its the one that makes you complete

that can only happen to me by fate as to find that one that makes us complete the odds are very low ' surely'

i find it hard to explain things in words but thats how i see it
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

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YZGI
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Post by YZGI »

lostidentity;1441333 wrote: i think i understand what you are saying , but i dont agree , but that would just tell me we are all very different and although the actions you have stated would make things happen , its not saying its the one that makes you complete

that can only happen to me by fate as to find that one that makes us complete the odds are very low ' surely'

i find it hard to explain things in words but thats how i see it


I think you might be trying to say that If you actively sought love then instead of it being true love it would feel contrived?
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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

YZGI;1441335 wrote: I think you might be trying to say that If you actively sought love then instead of it being true love it would feel contrived?
Thank you lol some times having ADD can be a real pain in the ass lol im not good with words even had to look that one up lol...
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

Lone Wolf;1441333 wrote: i think i understand what you are saying , but i dont agree , but that would just tell me we are all very different and although the actions you have stated would make things happen , its not saying its the one that makes you complete

that can only happen to me by fate as to find that one that makes us complete the odds are very low ' surely'

i find it hard to explain things in words but thats how i see it


We can only make ouselves complete. Nobody can do it for us, or to us. Too many variables I guess, people have a way of letting you down . We picture what a situation is and when it turns out not to be that of our imagination we are always disappointed.
fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

Don't get me wrong though ....I go with the flow and take what I can get out of it. I don't know if someone is using me or wants to be with me. But one thing is for sure I can never understand why anyone would want to be with me . I don't get that.
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Lone Wolf
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Post by Lone Wolf »

fuzzywuzzy;1441343 wrote: We can only make ouselves complete. Nobody can do it for us, or to us. Too many variables I guess, people have a way of letting you down . We picture what a situation is and when it turns out not to be that of our imagination we are always disappointed.


i think we will agree to disagree..we has established we are all different so for some it can work, others ive

just learnt feel that isnt so, but for me life on my own wouldnt be worth living good job at the mo

i have some one that needs me ( my dear old mum ) and cant let her down at her age im just hoping

that ' I ' find some one before i need some one ...
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.

fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

I hope you do too :)
phiferindia
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Post by phiferindia »

No sad no pity. You are moreover God's child. So soon you get lots of friends for your good merciful and playful heart.
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zenda7
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Being alone is not always a choice

Post by zenda7 »

I know this is an old thread, but the hairygarden's premise is absolutely correct. I can relate completely, we do not always have a choice in this matter. I'm the same, reasonably attractive, fun, a sense of humor, love animals and enjoy my own company as well as others. I like myself, I smile at everyone and can make conversation at the drop of a hat. I know people quite enjoy my company when we are thrown together, but I also know I will not be allowed into their lives.

I have done all the conventional things, joined clubs, volunteered, asked neighbors over for coffee, all of that.

I have come to realise that society is the problem, not me. When you have no family, as an older single person, you will not be considered relevant to anyone's life. The volunteers I tried to be friends with, well, any suggestion of socialising, just going for a cup of coffee after a meeting, or any 'personal' contact, was simply rebuffed completely. I realised soon enough that I was just a convenient placeholder in the organisation which was merely a diversion for them when they had a family and friends (read couples) that they were lucky enough to have surrounding them.

You have all decided that somehow it is our fault for being alone, that we aren't trying, that we're too needy, or somehow otherwise off-putting. Blaming us for how you, as a member of society with family and friends that are undoubtedly also married, treat the single people of your acquaintance.

How many of you actively socialise with a single person who isn't part of your extended families? How many invite that single over for a coffee and a good natter or a shopping trip? I understand perfectly well how busy people are, and I make sure I don't intrude or become a pain, but it doesn't matter, those of you lucky enough to have extended families are still unwilling to share a precious morsel of time with us. I feel I have to beg for attention, and no, that's not my oversensitive imagination, it's a fact proven over many years of trying to develop friendships.

You are all telling us we don't 'like' ourselves, or we should project a happy attitude to make people want to be with us. Take a look at yourselves before deciding that somehow we are not 'trying hard enough'. You are presuming that you yourselves are somehow more socially adept and nicer and more acceptable than we are, and that is just plain insulting. It also presumes we don't have the wit to see our problems and adapt out behaviours to 'attract' friends.

Too bad, you're probably missing out on a lot of fun times because you don't have the 'time' for that neighbor or colleague you know is alone.
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Týr
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Post by Týr »

Oddly enough quite a few of us have met up over the years and managed to establish connections. The mix between partnered and single members at these get-togethers has been varied. We may be an atypical section of society but I'm not convinced we fall within the category of people you criticize.

I'm in a hostel at the moment which is pretty much by definition populated by singles. I am, as you, gregarious by nature and more than prepared to talk to strangers. That doesn't mean I've succeeded in having many conversations here though. I could, of course, force myself on others but I have no desire to become a bore.

By all means join in on this site, we're mostly coherent. Few, admittedly, are the sort one might actually choose to associate with but it's at least a start in resocializing yourself. Welcome to ForumGarden.
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Clodhopper
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Post by Clodhopper »

Being single can be positive. I find it so. I do have friends, mostly single and male, three of whom were round here for Christmas Dinner. We look out for eachother when ill and keep an eye on eachother's emotional state. My time is my own - I make the choices about what I do and when. I haven't even tried to look for a relationship in years and in general I've never been happier. There is no doubt in my mind that to be in a true, loving relationship is the best way to live your life. But I had a dreadful relationship with my mother (she only stopped hitting me when I was 17 and hit her back. By golly it's difficult to hit your mother!) and the wife used and abused me with a complete lack of conscience. Single is definitely much better than that.

I suppose I don't really know whether or how far singleness is a choice in my case. I'm sure I'm not out there looking for love but I don't know how far that is down to previous experiences. I did try to have relationships when I got over the shock of my divorce, but unfortunately I felt absolutely nothing and had to end the relationships before people got pointlessly hurt. Or more hurt, if you see what I mean. It is horrible to feel nothing whatever when someone says they love you. Assuming you have a conscience.

At any rate, this is the best time of my life - so far, anyway. And I'm single with no plans to change that state.:guitarist:driving:
The crowd: "Yes! We are all individuals!"

Lone voice: "I'm not."
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

I was very moved by your post Zenda. I'd like to hear more of your thoughts & sincerely hope you stay on at Forum Garden. I am a widow & there is much truth in what you say. Welcome.
zenda7
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Post by zenda7 »

Thank you for all of your replies. To give some background, I an a widow in my fifties, my dear one died more than twenty-five years ago, and I am quite comfortable being single - I am not 'looking for love', I would merely like to have some sort of social interaction with people.

Clodhopper and Týr, I suspect you are a bit younger than me as you still have some single friends. It really does get harder as you get older, with fewer venues, if you will, to socialise in - not that I ever enjoyed the bar scene even when younger.

All I am trying to say, I guess, is that I have always been open to the possibility of friendships in any shape or form. I enjoy talking to teenagers as well as seniors many years older than myself - some eighty year-olds have more life in them than some thirty year old couch potatoes, and I can giggle like a schoolgirl with the best of them, given the opportunity.

Ann, thank you for the welcome. No worries, I will be sticking around, it looks like a very interesting place to be :)
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

Zenda: "Týr, I suspect you are a bit younger than me......."

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

Don't know about Clodhopper...........
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Týr
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Post by Týr »

AnneBoleyn;1443327 wrote: Don't know about Clodhopper...........
I shall wreak my revenge cold, young Boleyn.
Long Live General Kim Jong-un, the Shining Sun!
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

Týr;1443329 wrote: I shall wreak my revenge cold, young Boleyn.


I'm excited!
Clodhopper
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Post by Clodhopper »

Don't know about Clodhopper...........


Will make the half century in the coming year. Funny really - can't say I feel much different to 20 years ago...
The crowd: "Yes! We are all individuals!"

Lone voice: "I'm not."
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Snowfire
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Post by Snowfire »

Theres more than a few here that might have gone to school with Noah.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill
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Snooz
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Post by Snooz »

Yeah, we're a bunch of oldies here. I'm going to be 56 in January. A very youthful and vibrant 56 of course.
fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

Snowfire;1443342 wrote: Theres more than a few here that might have gone to school with Noah.


I had a pet dinosaur when I was a kid. :)
zenda7
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Post by zenda7 »

well I'm still older than you Clodhopper :) 58 going on 12 :)
fuzzywuzzy
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Post by fuzzywuzzy »

zenda7;1443398 wrote: well I'm still older than you Clodhopper :) 58 going on 12 :)


that's the spirit!!!!

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