I think I really need help-abusive relationship

sybilvane · Post by **sybilvane** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:22 pm

'm not sure what to do about this. I have had a lot of relationships in my life-this one has lasted for 10 years. Yesterday was my birthday. I realized that I have never had a birthday with this man where he didn't do something to make me cry. But-always the optimist-I got up yesterday and he greeted me on the phone with Happy Birthday-and had actually gone out and bought me flowers-seemed like it would break the pattern. Then, my girlfriend (and he is jealous of my friends and of me spending time with them, or even talking on the phone to them) and I went to get manicures-I rarely treat myself to things like this.

It took longer than I thought it would, so when I called him, he was angry and basically telling me to forget about dinner-then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself (actually any time I assert myself he does this) he called me a "pushy bitch". He will get in my face and yell at me if I try to tell him something, push his chest in my face, do everything but hit me-he has pushed me down in the driveway and thrown a book into my back so hard it hurt for hours. He has told me that if I want to fight I need to step outside and fight him. I am 5'2". He is 5"10". He will call ME a bully when these fights happen-he has shoved me out the door, slammed the door on me, screamed at me in my place of business (yes, I own my own business and it's a retail business.

I am having panic attacks, and I have developed diverticulitis. I make a million excuses for him. My friends and my sister think he is abusive. Unfortunately we are enmeshed financially-the only smart thing that has happened is that I own the business exclusively. I am in my 50's and so is he. He also constantly tells me to go back to my old boyfriend (I haven't had another serious relationship in a long time). He's jealous of my ex-husband because we're still friends-jealous of my old guy friends (people I've known since I was 18 or so) I feel trapped and lost-and not my old self at all-his favorite phrase is that so and so is "slightly unpleasant"-he sees the whole world that way. I have reached a point with him now where when he does this to me to a certain point I react by starting to scream-I don't mean yell, I mean scream. I think I'm in big trouble.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:31 pm

Hi.

Yes. You are being abused. By a sorry excuse for a man. What man insists a woman fight him? What man shoves a woman around and throws crap at her? A loser. That kind of man. I know about the abuse and can tell you to stop making excuses for him. Just stop. And get out. I'm sure there are others here who can offer you better advice than I can about how to extract yourself from this rotten situation.

Nobody deserves to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love them.

Tan · Post by **Tan** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:46 pm

sybilvane;929222 wrote: 'm not sure what to do about this. I have had a lot of relationships in my life-this one has lasted for 10 years. Yesterday was my birthday. I realized that I have never had a birthday with this man where he didn't do something to make me cry. But-always the optimist-I got up yesterday and he greeted me on the phone with Happy Birthday-and had actually gone out and bought me flowers-seemed like it would break the pattern. Then, my girlfriend (and he is jealous of my friends and of me spending time with them, or even talking on the phone to them) and I went to get manicures-I rarely treat myself to things like this.

It took longer than I thought it would, so when I called him, he was angry and basically telling me to forget about dinner-then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself (actually any time I assert myself he does this) he called me a "pushy bitch". He will get in my face and yell at me if I try to tell him something, push his chest in my face, do everything but hit me-he has pushed me down in the driveway and thrown a book into my back so hard it hurt for hours. He has told me that if I want to fight I need to step outside and fight him. I am 5'2". He is 5"10". He will call ME a bully when these fights happen-he has shoved me out the door, slammed the door on me, screamed at me in my place of business (yes, I own my own business and it's a retail business.

I am having panic attacks, and I have developed diverticulitis. I make a million excuses for him. My friends and my sister think he is abusive. Unfortunately we are enmeshed financially-the only smart thing that has happened is that I own the business exclusively. I am in my 50's and so is he. He also constantly tells me to go back to my old boyfriend (I haven't had another serious relationship in a long time). He's jealous of my ex-husband because we're still friends-jealous of my old guy friends (people I've known since I was 18 or so) I feel trapped and lost-and not my old self at all-his favorite phrase is that so and so is "slightly unpleasant"-he sees the whole world that way. I have reached a point with him now where when he does this to me to a certain point I react by starting to scream-I don't mean yell, I mean scream. I think I'm in big trouble.

You definitely need help! And by 'you' I mean him! If you are to continue this relationship you will need to both seek professional assistance. You need to take care of number one. You. Ive learned that (without prejudice) men have feelings that sometimes are expressed in the wrong way. Women are naturally considerate and want to nurture and protect. He's breaking your spirit. And I know the feeling of wanting to react by screaming. It doesnt let you progess or feel satisfied afterwards does it? We are in a different age and time now. If you feel something is not right (trust your instinct) then you are probably right.

Theres no need for violence.

My husband is Majoring in Womens Studies and I'm a passionate volunteer at a womens crisis centre and concentrate on violence against women.

Sorry if I come off a little bold..just thought I'd put in my 2 cents.

I can chat with you whenever...:yh_flower

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:34 pm

You've cried every birthday for the last 10 years and are still with him? Why?

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:01 pm

If you think your being abused you are. Don't wait around for this guy to change not going to happen. Please be safe and take care of yourself.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:30 pm

Life can be filled with joy, it should be. Life is a celebration of your short time on Earth.

Its filled with miracles, and the simplest things that sometimes take your breath away.

You should treat yourself to manicures or other things that give you pleasure.

All of these things in life that offer us beauty are enhanced when we share them with someone we love, real love.

The kind of love that nurtures us and builds us, gives us strength. The kind of love that teaches us to be whole and self sufficient yet also allows us to weep with no regret because our love is safe with the ones we share the most intimate and vulnerable parts of ourselves.

He has been damaged somehow. Hes insecure with himself, he doubts himself and sees your friends as competition.

This would be acceptable if he recognized his shortcomings and vowed in earnest to work on becoming healthy and he made progress.

Without that commitment its a sinking skeleton of a ship.

I warmly wish for you happiness.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:17 pm

From a womans point of view

I'll have to side with PEG - 10 yrs. and he always makes you cry.?

and your just now asking if this is abusive?

Your in your 50's - own your business - your not stupid

Pay the guy off - and get rid of him - go celebrate & have fun.

who needs it?

Patsy

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:27 pm

Kick him to the curb! You deserve better in life! No amount of money is worth living like that.

Post by **jones jones** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:25 pm

here's a man's point of view ....

i helped my younger sister through many many years of physical abuse by her husband which only ended when he died ... so i'm not just blowing smoke ... i know what i'm talking about here ...

go back and read the title of this thread honey ... yes you are being physically abused and if this sorry excuse for a male (he cannot be called a man) hasn't yet actually hit you .. which i doubt ... he will ... the pushing and throwing stuff is just sparring ...

Unfortunately we are enmeshed financially so? get unmeshed sybilvane or are you gonna wait until he does you some serious physical injury?

get away from this person while your still able to walk without crutches!

Jj

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:30 pm

jj

how many females are we going to counsel ?

I just wonder about that 10 year issue??

She knows it's abuse - pay him off & go on..

Patsy

Post by **spot** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:35 pm

jones jones;929401 wrote: get unmeshed sybilvane or are you gonna wait until he does you some serious physical injury? get away from this person while your still able to walk without crutchesThat's not what they do. If he's not used serious physical injury in ten years it's not going to happen.

You're destroying the chap, sybilvane. You've just taken ten years from him when he could have been off making a balanced life for himself. You've got him trapped in behaviour the two of you are never going to evolve from. Why on earth are you doing it?

That's a bit too bald perhaps. What you need is a post from someone who can set reality aside and speak as a mother. We've a lot of those.

Post by **jones jones** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:39 pm

Patsy Warnick;929403 wrote: jj

how many females are we going to counsel ?

I just wonder about that 10 year issue??

She knows it's abuse - pay him off & go on..

Patsy

patsy ... i dunno love ...

they keep a comin' and we keep learnin' them ...

but do they listen is the question?

please sybilvane ... do what patsy says ...

pay him off and go on ...

like now!

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:43 pm

Spot You rang !!

That's where this 10 yr issue/question comes in ??

Are you the Martyr in this relationship?

Co dependent

as Spot stated - you've robbed this man of happy yrs. for himself.

your not happy - he can't be happy - 10 yrs of this ?? Hello

and you ask if this abusive?

who's abusing who? since your assertive NOW.

Patsy

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:31 pm

WHoa! Whoa! Whoa Nelly!

Am I reading right??

SHE has entrapped HIM in 10 years of unhappiness?!!

Okay if you meant that in some positive way that I am not seeing, please tell me. Because the ONLY party responsible is the one doing the abuse! Anything else is just excuses.

That smacks of "it's your fault, you deserve it" and that's garbage.

Sybil, if you want out you can and will find a way to do so. You have friends? You have a support system. Use it.

Absolutely NOTHING you can do will change this "man's" behavior. He doesn't want to change or he would. Dig down deep and find your self respect and get the fk out.

JJ is correct, you don't know what he will do. Maybe he "just" shoves you around now but what about when he really loses it and wallops you in the face?

Here's a rule of decent society: Men don't beat up on Women. If he breaks the rule, he's out. Doesn't matter what you do, he's got no business getting physical with you.

Now, will someone here who knows about these things please explain to Sybil how to leave?

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:04 am

Please get rid of this man now. After 10yrs of this abuse (physical, mental and emotional) you probably believe you don't deserve any better, or that you may not be able to find someone else to love you. My ex-husband was a lot like this, and I was always a strong person, but by the time we got divorced (I'd been with him for 12yrs) I was a shell of a person. I was running on automatic pilot and felt horrid about myself...I was totally empty...numb and it affected so many other relationships I had. Even tho my hubby will sometimes just glob on the compliments I have a hard time believing any of them...and it's been 17yrs since I got away from the ex.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:53 am

Nomad;929314 wrote: Life can be filled with joy, it should be. Life is a celebration of your short time on Earth.

Its filled with miracles, and the simplest things that sometimes take your breath away.

You should treat yourself to manicures or other things that give you pleasure.

All of these things in life that offer us beauty are enhanced when we share them with someone we love, real love.

The kind of love that nurtures us and builds us, gives us strength. The kind of love that teaches us to be whole and self sufficient yet also allows us to weep with no regret because our love is safe with the ones we share the most intimate and vulnerable parts of ourselves.

He has been damaged somehow. Hes insecure with himself, he doubts himself and sees your friends as competition.

This would be acceptable if he recognized his shortcomings and vowed in earnest to work on becoming healthy and he made progress.

Without that commitment its a sinking skeleton of a ship.

I warmly wish for you happiness.

What a fantastic way of words...Moved me..Thanks Nomad.

Were only here once, lifes too short for regrets, either get yourselves into counciling or kick his sorry ass to the kerb cos I wouldnt treat the sh!t on my shoe as badly as hes treating you.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:00 am

Chezzie;929527 wrote: What a fantastic way of words...Moved me..Thanks Nomad.

Were only here once, lifes too short for regrets, either get yourselves into counciling or kick his sorry ass to the kerb cos I wouldnt treat the sh!t on my shoe as badly as hes treating you.

Ditto that for Nomad, for a guy he's really deeeeep, bless him :-4

I wonder if this is the first time sybilvane has truly admitted what is happening. Thats good and it will take time to get your head round it sybil, but once you do you will start to see ways out.

You have your own separate business and that is a great start. Go and seek legal advice, make sure you have a solicitor at the ready. Can you go and stay with your sister or a friend for a while when and if you do make the final break. Making the break is the hardest part but one that you will look back on with relief in years to come.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:05 am

Please please please ignore the one negative responce you have received here . It is NOT your fault:-5 .

He is the abuser . He is the bully, he will always try to make it your fault and just because he hasn't hit you yet doesn't mean he never will in the future .

Get out and walk away . Please, from someone who has been there i'm telling you to get out of the relationship .

You've made the first step by asking for advice now please think about walking away .

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:12 am

spot;929405 wrote: That's not what they do. If he's not used serious physical injury in ten years it's not going to happen.

You're destroying the chap, sybilvane. You've just taken ten years from him when he could have been off making a balanced life for himself. You've got him trapped in behaviour the two of you are never going to evolve from. Why on earth are you doing it?

That's a bit too bald perhaps. What you need is a post from someone who can set reality aside and speak as a mother. We've a lot of those.

He's not used full on physical injury in ten years because he's clever enough to know that that produces evidence. My ex was the same, the most major lot of bruising he did cover me in did not come from directly hitting me but from tipping the bed up whilst I was asleep. He saw the evidence of his actions, blamed me for daring to be asleep when he asked me to wake up apparently. From that moment on he changed tactics, making sure he left no physical evidence. Sometimes I remember actually wanting him to hit me so I would have the evidence to prove he was abusing me.

In time sybil will see that she's allowed this to happen and yes that the pair of them are ruining one anothers lives. But that comes later...

Post by **spot** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:15 am

pantsonfire321@aol.com;929540 wrote: Please please please ignore the one negative responce you have received here . It is NOT your fault:-5 .I'm sure it's not her fault he's doing it. What I said was that nobody else can get her to leave other than herself. She can stay there a lifetime and then nobody'll be happy. The reason it's not over is that she's not gone.

It wasn't even slightly negative.

G#Gill · Post by **G#Gill** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:06 am

spot;929405 wrote:

You're destroying the chap, sybilvane. You've just taken ten years from him when he could have been off making a balanced life for himself. You've got him trapped in behaviour the two of you are never going to evolve from. Why on earth are you doing it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by pantsonfire321@aol.com View Post

Please please please ignore the one negative responce you have received here . It is NOT your fault .

[quote - Spot post 21]

I'm sure it's not her fault he's doing it. What I said was that nobody else can get her to leave other than herself. She can stay there a lifetime and then nobody'll be happy. The reason it's not over is that she's not gone.

It wasn't even slightly negative.

I'm afraid this reads as a contradiction, perhaps you may know what you meant, Spot, but I doubt anybody does ! There seems to be no reference in your first post about Sybil being the only one who can get herself to leave this relationship ! Also your first post suggests that it is Sybil's fault that he is behaving as he is ! Then in your second post you say 'it's not her fault' !!!

Post by **spot** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:20 am

G#Gill;929600 wrote:

I'm afraid this reads as a contradiction, perhaps you may know what you meant, Spot, but I doubt anybody does ! There seems to be no reference in your first post about Sybil being the only one who can get herself to leave this relationship ! Also your first post suggests that it is Sybil's fault that he is behaving as he is ! Then in your second post you say 'it's not her fault' !!!

I suggest you go back and read what I wrote, as opposed to what you gleaned from it first time round. None of these accusations match my words at all.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:23 am

spot;929891 wrote: I suggest you go back and read what I wrote, as opposed to what you gleaned from it first time round. None of these accusations match my words at all.

Personally I like to edit your words and string them together.

Then.......pounce. :sneaky:

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:06 pm

Nomad;929897 wrote: Personally I like to break your pearls and string them together.

Then.......pounce. :sneaky:
Bad boy! :wah:

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:08 pm

abbey;930488 wrote: Come on over big boy :sneaky:

Abbeynormal !

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:16 pm

nomad;930492 wrote: abbey's Gorgeous !:-6

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:24 pm

I'm sure there are a few womens' shelters you can stay in upon the sudden desire to leave...But that's just that...A desire to leave...You either have the desire to leave or you don't...You're either here to ask for help in how to solve the situation(Desire to stay because you love him?) or you're here asking for advice in how to leave...It's up to you which of the two you lean more towards...

If you want my advice, the guy is a loser...

No real man challenges a woman to a fight...That's just rule number one...(No real man challenges anyone to a fight unless that specific instance represents 100% certainty that it 100% defensive)...

He's jealous to the point of ridiculous insecurity...It's one thing to be flattered that someone cares so much for you that they can't stand the thought of you being with another man,..it's entirely different when they foam at the mouth from insecurity and make you suffer as a result of you just simply being yourself, human...It's up to you in your decision to label him as being which...

If you want my personal advice I cannot understand what it is you seen in him to begin with but if all of what you've said in your original post is true instigated none other than his own insecurities and delusion(Not condoning any physically aggressive behavior nor any mentally abusive behavior) then you need to just quite simply find you someone who cares for you and only you...Not someone who's only virtue in life is to get what they want and making others suffer in doing so...

Just leave the loser son of a bitch...

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:52 pm

...abbey;930502 wrote: Im pretty...oh so pretty:-6

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:04 pm

sybilvane;929222 wrote: 'm not sure what to do about this. I have had a lot of relationships in my life-this one has lasted for 10 years. Yesterday was my birthday. I realized that I have never had a birthday with this man where he didn't do something to make me cry. But-always the optimist-I got up yesterday and he greeted me on the phone with Happy Birthday-and had actually gone out and bought me flowers-seemed like it would break the pattern. Then, my girlfriend (and he is jealous of my friends and of me spending time with them, or even talking on the phone to them) and I went to get manicures-I rarely treat myself to things like this.

It took longer than I thought it would, so when I called him, he was angry and basically telling me to forget about dinner-then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself (actually any time I assert myself he does this) he called me a "pushy bitch". He will get in my face and yell at me if I try to tell him something, push his chest in my face, do everything but hit me-he has pushed me down in the driveway and thrown a book into my back so hard it hurt for hours. He has told me that if I want to fight I need to step outside and fight him. I am 5'2". He is 5"10". He will call ME a bully when these fights happen-he has shoved me out the door, slammed the door on me, screamed at me in my place of business (yes, I own my own business and it's a retail business.

I am having panic attacks, and I have developed diverticulitis. I make a million excuses for him. My friends and my sister think he is abusive. Unfortunately we are enmeshed financially-the only smart thing that has happened is that I own the business exclusively. I am in my 50's and so is he. He also constantly tells me to go back to my old boyfriend (I haven't had another serious relationship in a long time). He's jealous of my ex-husband because we're still friends-jealous of my old guy friends (people I've known since I was 18 or so) I feel trapped and lost-and not my old self at all-his favorite phrase is that so and so is "slightly unpleasant"-he sees the whole world that way. I have reached a point with him now where when he does this to me to a certain point I react by starting to scream-I don't mean yell, I mean scream. I think I'm in big trouble.

Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

If so did I get it right ?

"then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:18 pm

BTS;930690 wrote: Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

If so did I get it right ?

"then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?

Since when did members achieve respect upon the number of posts they've submitted?...

And I take it you agree that people should be forced to not be themselves and have other relationships when married...Or perhaps it's just the women that should be made to be caged?...Maybe you're one to condone ones manipulative manner to the point of no social status what so ever?...

And what does "then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"Have to do with anything?...At what level did she describe the situation to be in before you unintelligibly decided to place accusations and implications as to the possibility that she was the one that were wrong?...

Do you even know the definition of "asserted" or do you usually like to place unjustified accusations against people simply because it proves to be an antagonistic viewpoint?...

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:34 pm

BTS;930690 wrote: Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

"Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?"

Phoenix789 · Post by **Phoenix789** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:56 pm

Excuse me, but whether it's a one post wonder or not, this lady obviously valued our opinions. Devaluing her in this way certainly isn't helping. Whatever forum issues you appear to have, at least try and keep in control; people don't post this stuff unless they're genuine.

So, stop your bitchy sniping and maybe listen to what's being said?

Hon, if you're still here, I'd say it's time to look at what's working and what isn't.

Only you know that for sure, so why not get out for a feww days and see how you feel? You might see that it's not worth staying, or he might see that he needs help to change. Either way, it will put things into perspective.

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:30 pm

Originally Posted by BTS

Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

K.Snyder;930787 wrote: "Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?"

Oh Tootie I am here........... (or should that be MR K.Snyder) as she/he won't reply

OK...K.S..no 1 Post-em wonder as u are trying to save her !!!!!!!!

Has she replied to anything yet?

I stand by a "ONE POST WONDER" until she/he replies

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:38 pm

K.Snyder;930697 wrote: Since when did members achieve respect upon the number of posts they've submitted?...

And I take it you agree that people should be forced to not be themselves and have other relationships when married...Or perhaps it's just the women that should be made to be caged?...Maybe you're one to condone ones manipulative manner to the point of no social status what so ever?...

And what does Have to do with anything?...At what level did she describe the situation to be in before you unintelligibly decided to place accusations and implications as to the possibility that she was the one that were wrong?...

Do you even know the definition of "asserted" or do you usually like to place unjustified accusations against people simply because it proves to be an antagonistic viewpoint?...

So where am I wrong?

I will Bett u that there will be NO reply from sybilvane....... 4 this is a 1 post wonder and u need to get the panties out of their wad!!!!!!!

If I am WRONG MR Snyder I will wersh your feets..(and not your stained panties)..In front of the WHOLE garden crew.....................K?......OK???

moonpie · Post by **moonpie** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:13 pm

Walking on egg-shells in a relationship is not good. Even though you did not say that per se, it sounds like you have to do this to keep this guy happy. This is not right. Even though he has not hit or struck you yet, that is still not a plus to his character - believe me it will come one of these days when you push him too far. Get out of this relationship while you still can and you still have a few wits about you. Take care.

sybilvane · Post by **sybilvane** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:18 pm

After reading all comments to my original post, here is my response: I came to the forum in desperation because I haven't been able to think this through, and my friends are too close to the situation to view it with much objectivity. I have never posted anything personal on any forum before. I'm also not weak-minded-I've been the V.P. of a corporation in my career history. I'm used to being a leader, not a follower. Also, I'm not afraid of being alone-I spent many years as a successful single woman, only dating casually. I met this individual at a point in my life when things were very good, and I actually spent 8 months getting to know him before deciding that he was a good man and that I could be involved with him.

I know that no one can change another person-that's why I was so careful to make sure I liked the person that he is before I got involved.

I cannot believe that someone thinks that I have robbed this person of 10 quality years. I have helped raise his child from age 10 to age 20 (he is the custodial parent), I have taken care of the home, kept track of the bills, and have handled all the minute details of two businesses. He's had a pretty good life. His complaints about me are always when I won't do exactly what he wants me to do. I will never comply with that if I feel that my way is the right way. Usually this has to do with how to handle people in both social and business settings. I have been able to salvage some critical business relationships through negotiation and diplomacy after he sabotaged the relationships by losing his temper

He is faithful and loyal to me, but his short temper is awful. He rages over all sorts of things. I do believe he loves me, but I don't believe he is capable of getting his rage under control.

Have I allowed this to go on too long? Yes. I don't need to go live in a shelter-I don't believe he will ever actually hit me-but his actions have stopped just short of that, and that is unacceptable. He has never been able to alienate me from any of my friends-that would be impossible-but he "punishes" me for my friendships-also unacceptable. He is nice to my friends but doesn't want me to spend any significant time with them, and doesn't understand it when I help them with their problems. He has no close friends to speak of.

When my friends have had bad relationships, I've always told them, "You'll know when you've had enough". Well-evidently I don't know when to say when myself. I did tell him at one point that these things have a cumulative effect. Now I wonder how much has to accumulate to make me get out.

I don't know how I will extricate myself from this situation, but something has to give. Pay him off? That's a joke-because of risking everything for these businesses my finances are in a shambles. I'm doing my best, and that includes actively seeking another position like the lucrative one I had before this. Last night was a low point for me, and I needed to "scream"-but I chose to ask for help instead. Anyway-thanks for the supportive comments-I'll just disregard the one.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:21 pm

BTS;930885 wrote: Originally Posted by BTS

Oh Tootie I am here........... (or should that be MR K.Snyder) as she/he won't reply

OK...K.S..no 1 Post-em wonder as u are trying to save her !!!!!!!!

Has she replied to anything yet?

I stand by a "ONE POST WONDER" until she/he replies

You mock a post blatently asking for advice...

What kind of shallow person are you to mock someone asking for advice?...

I remember coming here specifically for help with one thing only to come back many weeks later and grow to be quite fond of this place and that's saying alot considering I usually don't mess around with forums...

And so what if anyone only posts once?...Do you expect for others to laugh along with you in mocking them because people may only post once in regards to their personal life asking for feedback?...You act like this person is trying to sell something...

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:22 pm

BTS;930894 wrote: I will Bett u that there will be NO reply from sybilvane....... 4 this is a 1 post wonder and u need to get the panties out of their wad!!!!!!!

If I am WRONG MR Snyder I will wersh your feets..(and not your stained panties)..In front of the WHOLE garden crew.....................K?......OK???

Are you going to eat your words now or after you realize you've been an unthoughtful jerk?...

And you speak pretty big words from some pathetic excuse for a mentality behind the comfort of your computer screen little guy...

You speak of ignorance.

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:27 pm

K.Snyder;930930 wrote: Are you going to eat your words now or after you realize you've been an unthoughtful jerk?...

And you speak pretty big words from some pathetic excuse for a mentality behind the comfort of your computer screen little guy...

Ok K..................... You find the original poster and then we can GO from there...........

GOOD luck PAL......

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:28 pm

BTS;930933 wrote: Ok K..................... You find the original poster and then we can GO from there...........

GOOD luck PAL......

No because I'm finished with you.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:36 pm

BTS;930894 wrote: So where am I wrong?

I will Bett u that there will be NO reply from sybilvane....... 4 this is a 1 post wonder and u need to get the panties out of their wad!!!!!!!

If I am WRONG MR Snyder I will wersh your feets..(and not your stained panties)..In front of the WHOLE garden crew.....................K?......OK???

Start wershen. :wah:

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:42 pm

K.Snyder;930934 wrote: No because I'm finished with you.

oH mE gOSH.....................

wHICH Feets............ foist.......... Mr K?

Butts I still stand by this statement........

Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

If so did I get it right ?

"then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:46 pm

Peg;930936 wrote: Start wershen. :wah:

Wershin..............Wershin..............

Not helpin tho..........:-3:-3:-3

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:48 pm

BTS;930939 wrote: oH mE gOSH.....................

wHICH Feets............ foist.......... Mr K?

Butts I still stand by this statement........

Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

If so did I get it right ?

"then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?

Simple question I suppose

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:03 pm

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?
So because HE has a jealousy problem, SHE should not be with friends?

Post by **spot** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:41 am

sybilvane;930928 wrote: I cannot believe that someone thinks that I have robbed this person of 10 quality years [...] Anyway-thanks for the supportive comments-I'll just disregard the one.

I tried - inadequately, it would seem - to suggest that there's no possible way in which he's ever going to leave you, that you're entirely in control of whether you both stay together or not. From what you describe he's undoubtedly trapped in behaviour the two of you are never going to evolve from while you stay together but it's not going to end unless you walk away from it.

You wonder why I emphasize that it's not him doing any abandoning and that the positive move on your part is to go? It's your username, surely you can't pretend ignorance of its associations. Sibyl Vane is a fictional character who killed herself with cyanide when her lover left her saying her beauty was in her behaviour and that by loving him she'd stopped being who he wanted. Are you really claiming not to know the history of Sibyl Vane? People who show up here with an implicit thread of suicide pretty much force the advice they receive. I think mine was the best you got.

Helen · Post by **Helen** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:28 am

BTS;930939 wrote: oH mE gOSH.....................

wHICH Feets............ foist.......... Mr K?

Butts I still stand by this statement........

Are you there? or is this a ONE POST Wunder?

If so did I get it right ?

"then I said, please let's go-so we went to dinner with my friend, and he was nice enough-but after we went home, he started his usual crap-and when I asserted myself ........"

So you already know this is a jealous puke but you insist on bringin a friend?

Is this right?

my ex was a wonderful human being.................. in front of friends and family !! they thought i had the catch of the century.

when we got home i paid for every word, action, smile conversation he thought was out of place.

i was 200 miles away from my family, never allowed to talk on the phone,or write a letter to them without him listening to or reading every word i wrote.

there was never a day in my life that i wasnt covered in bruises and on occasions, broken ribs and a fractured jaw ( the amount of stairs i fell down or doors i walked into was no ones buisness !! )

after nearly four years i got away........... his mother had come to stay for a week along with three of his nephews and there was no room for me in the car when he took them to the railway station to go home.

a freind of mine, for whom now i would give my life, took me and my girls in his car to friends of his, 30 miles away and i got an injunction out on the ex.

its taken nearly 20yrs to stop shaking at the sound of a raised voice, a car door slamming in the street, someone walking up behind me.

in fact the other night i watched a film on tv ( the tina turner story ) when he went to hit her i actually ducked to avoid the blow !! so im not completely over it yet .

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:12 am

Helen;931015 wrote: my ex was a wonderful human being.................. in front of friends and family !! they thought i had the catch of the century.

when we got home i paid for every word, action, smile conversation he thought was out of place.

i was 200 miles away from my family, never allowed to talk on the phone,or write a letter to them without him listening to or reading every word i wrote.

there was never a day in my life that i wasnt covered in bruises and on occasions, broken ribs and a fractured jaw ( the amount of stairs i fell down or doors i walked into was no ones buisness !! )

after nearly four years i got away........... his mother had come to stay for a week along with three of his nephews and there was no room for me in the car when he took them to the railway station to go home.

a freind of mine, for whom now i would give my life, took me and my girls in his car to friends of his, 30 miles away and i got an injunction out on the ex.

its taken nearly 20yrs to stop shaking at the sound of a raised voice, a car door slamming in the street, someone walking up behind me.

in fact the other night i watched a film on tv ( the tina turner story ) when he went to hit her i actually ducked to avoid the blow !! so im not completely over it yet .

Helen, i'm sorry that happened to you and i hope your life is much better now.

How many times do we have to say it; men who hit or abuse women are cowards and people who make excuses for abusers are also cowards.

:-5

sybilvane · Post by **sybilvane** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 7:52 am

Merely responding to Spot: How ridiculous. I am so far from suicidal that this made me laugh. Thanks-I needed that!

The name was chosen when I was 20 years old and some of my guy friends and I became interested in Oscar Wilde's story of Dorian Gray. In our youthful enthusiasm, each of us adopted the name of one of the characters. One friend was Basil, one was Dorian, etc. I was the only woman-and the only female character in the book-at least of any note-was Sybil. Yes, I know the story inside and out. She was an actress. Couldn't act after she fell in love with Dorian-disappointed him, he dumped her-she drank lead poison, I believe (it's been years since I read it). We were majoring in English Lit....get it?

Pure coincidence-I have used the name Sybil with my old friends for over 35 years-I had actually not thought about its origin for a long time or I might have chosen a different forum name. Please stop your amateur psychoanalysis and realize that you do not know anything about me at all except what I have told you online. My request for help was sincere, everything I wrote was truthful.

I thought that this forum would somehow help me. Well, it has. My sincere desire for help garnered some really great insight from some people, but some nasty sniping and criticism from others. Is that how these forums work? Now I see that I've fallen into the trap of not dealing with my real issue but defending my forum name! Enough. Goodbye-and thanks to those who tried to give me real advice based on their own experience. I will take those comments to heart.