Alcoholic - within the Family

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:09 am

It's the bottom of the 9th and the bases are loaded...

My last conversation was 2 weeks ago....

I spoke to her 3-6 times a week for hours at a time...

and now ??

What does one do to help / support a alcoholic ?

without contributing.

This is very serious & probably beyond intervention

at first she thought she had us all fooled

now she doesn't care.

she drinks Vodka straight - carrys 2 bottles in her purse, you guessed it

1 - water 1- Vodka...

So any advise or comparison to one who rises to drink and passes out and drinks some more just to pass out again .??

Patsy

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:36 am

The saying is, You have to reach rock bottom before you climb back up, the problem with an alcholic is,

they think they can control their actions and rarely see they are at rock bottom.

The only thing you can do Patsy is be there for her, ask her if she needs help and if she does get her to AA, seeing others who have the same problems may help.

My BIL has been alcholoic for 20+ years, 8 months ago he realized he had a problem, he'd had enough, He went along (very bravely) to AA and he's never looked back, he had one small blip which is understandable.

He will always be an alcoholic, he realises this, but just takes one day at a time AA does'nt always work of course, the person has to want to give up.

My heart goes out to you Patsy, I know how helpless you feel seeing a family member going through this.:yh_flower

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:47 am

Abbey

Thank You

This situation is beyond AA, I don't know.. I'm so venting

She was a vibrant 6' beautiful long legged woman.

Now she's bones - drinks instead of eats. she's 6' and 124 pounds.

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't've posted this.

I don't know - I don't see a happy ending here - right now if she continues on her roll - I'll be at another funeral, paying for another funeral. wow..

Pretty Grim

Patsy

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:52 am

I know what you are seeing Patsy.

Someone I love is a 6'4" man,he weighs 65kgs,he looks like a walking smoking,drinking skeleton.

I begged him to eat,he says if he does he can't drink.

I hate visiting as I only cry when I leave .

I need to visit as I may not see him ever again.

Stay strong & love & hugs to you:-4:-6

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:54 am

Patsy Warnick;962683 wrote: she drinks Vodka straight - carrys 2 bottles in her purse, you guessed it

1 - water 1- Vodka...

Are you sure it's not 1 - Vodka, 1 - Vodka??? :sneaky:

Alcoholics are notoriously sneaky and how can you tell anyway if its Vodka and not water?

My BIL is an alcoholic and his parents are enablers as they unwittingly allow him to do it! He's 35 and still lives at home. His mum & dad keep buying him things to take his mind off the booze but he regularly 'loses' his brand new racing bike they bought him or his brand new mobile phone! They keep buying stuff - he keeps 'losing' stuff! They think he's just unlucky! Duh! How do they think he can afford all that booze?

Many years ago he begged me for help. He kept hugging me and crying over me for hours. I phoned the doctor and begged for help, I found them very unsympathetic - but then - they knew him of old! They said 'you can't help an alcoholic until they want to help themselves'. I found out about the local AA meeting and we took him along and waited outside for him. He only stayed for half an hour, then he came out and said it was horrible and that 'everyone was mean to him'! His mum mothered him and said he needn't go again! *sigh*

TBH Patsy, having had this in the family for years, IMO there is nothing you can do! For as long as they want to drink they will drink! They're very selfish about it and not even their own kids safety will stop them! My BIL was caught drunk down by the canal with his young son whom he has on weekends. Luckily a passer by reported him. Now he can only see his son if his parents are there too (thank God for that!)

The only thing you can do is just leave her alone because sweetheart, you will get hurt too! You, unwittingly, are being an enabler too because you are spending 6 hours talking to her and making her feel better about herself! Then she can drink more because she doesn't feel like such a dreadful person. Meanwhile you have the weight of her problems, and your own worries about her, weighing down on your shoulders. She no longer bears these worries thus freeing her up to drink! It really is a case of cruel to be kind! :-1 You can tell her you'll support her if she seeks help but please don't spend hours listening to her as you'll take your upset/ anger/ frustration out on your family while she's offloaded/ feels supported and is now ready to carry on drinking regardless.

There are websites for families of alcoholics, google them and see what they have to say. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this tough time but IMO you need to protect yourself and your family and not get dragged down with her. Its incredibly hard but its what they do, begging for the sympathy card and probably stealing from you at the same time to get booze money! You really can't help her, however much you love her, however much you want to help her, only she can help herself.

Big hugs to you sweetie. :yh_hugs

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 2:01 am

Patsy, I know this sounds grim but the facts are, she will go into liver failure and end up in hospital.

Hopefully that will be the turning point, sounds awful I know, my bil ended up in hospital 3 times because his liver was failing from sclerosis (sp?)

I'm so sorry my posts sound so bloody patronising, it's so difficult giving advice when the other persons hands are tied.

Be strong x

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 4:15 am

Alanon for the families of alcoholics is the only advice I can give you. There are so many others going through the same nightmare as you. :-1

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Aug 25, 2008 10:54 am

Rapunzel

your so right, they're very sneaky. She has alcohol stashed everywhere, inthe kitchen, in the bathroom, different glasses full under the sink etc.. Thank You for your insight - I believe we've spoke before about similar family problems & distance within the siblings.

They're sneaky - I get irritated that "they" think we're stupid & "they're" getting over on us - like we'd never notice.

I've talked in length with her. She doesn't believe in suicide.

So, I asked - what gives you the right to commit slow suicide & make us watch?

So, I asked - how much longer do you think your body can go thru this?

So, I asked - do you realize how your personality changes drastically?

and you expect every one to tolerate your mouth.?

She's hospitalized once to twice a year. I don't expect her to survive another 6 - 8months. She doesn't eat.

My sister won't speak to me - she hasn't called & won't pick up.

My Sister visits me every April - this year I gasped at seeing her

Jimbo - I believe your right - if one has another interest / goal to give them the boost of self worth.

I have a call into her son to discuss this - it'll be our last chance

Thanks for all the imput

Thanks for allowing me to vent

Patsy

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:26 pm

Patsy Warnick;962683 wrote: It's the bottom of the 9th and the bases are loaded...

My last conversation was 2 weeks ago....

I spoke to her 3-6 times a week for hours at a time...

and now ??

What does one do to help / support a alcoholic ?

without contributing.

This is very serious & probably beyond intervention

at first she thought she had us all fooled

now she doesn't care.

she drinks Vodka straight - carrys 2 bottles in her purse, you guessed it

1 - water 1- Vodka...

So any advise or comparison to one who rises to drink and passes out and drinks some more just to pass out again .??

PatsySomeway all Alocholics seem to think that No one will know if they drink VODKA. I have been involved with someone like this. you can catch them RED handed. they'll swaire they have not been drinking. You have to let them HIT ROCK BOTTOM. NO matter how they PLEAD, don;t give in. You are not helping them. TRULY you are hurting them more. no one can make somone stop drinking. No matter what you say or do. So please stop doing.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:58 pm

Sorry to tell you this Patsy, but she needs to make that decision on her own, feeling desperate enought to reach out for help. I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 5 years clean. It took me 4 detoxes and 3 treatment centers before I finally got it. I think the turning point for me was the fact that I would black out for a few hours, and need a couple of drinks before I could even get out of bed, my whole body had the shakes and I couldn't even walk without them, I knew I would die if I didn't stop.

Alcohol is also the most dangerous thing to stop suddenly, worse than any drug. You can actually die from coming off the booze. Sometimes a person never gets it until they're in the hospital...or dead.

You need to tell her you will no longer enable her, and only call when she's ready to get help...until then, you will not talk to her. She needs to see that loss of someone special to her. If she finally wants to get clean, please, don't just take her to AA, have her go to a detox center so they can monitor her while she gets the stuff out of her system. Then a treatment center so she can see what she's doing and get educated and relate to others that are dealing with the same thing. Then she'll be ready for AA. All alcoholics are afraid of having to start feeling again...it's a hard road, but well worth the effort. Before I went into my last detox, I drank 56 beers in 21 hours.

I know I'm rambling on, but this is something I am very passionate about.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:11 pm

fuzzy butt;962800 wrote: There's always a reason for people to drink. Personally I dont' believe in alcoholism . It's just another drug to cover a more painful side of life. I dont' believe in the genetic side of it either. either you drink to cope with something or you take something else. It's how it manafests itself in your life that is the point. but by the time one is addicted to the numbing feeling of it it's usually too late .

I don't believe one should be confronting alcoholism or drink they should be comfronting what and why they turned to drink in the first place.

Sorry fuzzy but I have to disagree with some of your post. The reason most people take to drinking is to stop feeling. Alcoholism is very real, there is no way I could have stopped without help. Being in a treatment center, they educate you, help you discover the reasons behind the need to drink, and finally let you explore yourself. There is an invisible line that people cross that they are not aware of...until it's too late. Some people are more prone to become alcoholics because of genetics...this has been proven time and time again. A lot of my family were alcoholics, but I had no idea what that meant at the time. I believe my late dad was an alcoholic and 3 out of the 4 of us kids are alcoholics. At first it was the cool thing to do because we were around it and saw it as a way of life. Then we discovered how it kept us from having to deal with anything. It's an easy way to get into it, but very hard to get out of it.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:44 pm

like jimbo i have it in my family everywhere..my father, paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, my brother, my ex.. my ex inlaws, three ex sister in laws..my advice is . dont let them whine to you..dont be the listener..as long as they drink they are looking for sympathy to continue to fuel thier drinking..give them the number to aa , suggest a aa sponser and leave them alone after that. dont bail them out on dui's . dont cover for them. make them carry the responsibility for their choices. they will never even consider getting help untill it hurts them..everytime you interfere in anyway..you postpone that happening if it is going to.

Kimba · Post by **Kimba** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:42 am

Patsy, try Al-Anon meetings. They can help you cope with alcoholic family members/friends.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:01 am

talking with her son may help, can he or someone not put her in the hospital so she can get real help?

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:57 pm

Odie;1010339 wrote: talking with her son may help, can he or someone not put her in the hospital so she can get real help? as far as everyone i know that suffer from this disease. they have to want help. . Or all attempts are fruitless.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 7:06 am

[quote=fuzzy butt;962800] Personally I dont' believe in alcoholism .

Trust me sweetie, its real.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:52 am

Fuzz Butt

Your so wrong - and with your Education, you should know better.

Alcoholism is very real - just as dangerous as other drugs.

It destroys

Patsy

Violetmay · Post by **Violetmay** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 3:45 am

Patsy Warnick;962683 wrote: It's the bottom of the 9th and the bases are loaded...

My last conversation was 2 weeks ago....

I spoke to her 3-6 times a week for hours at a time...

and now ??

What does one do to help / support a alcoholic ?

without contributing.

This is very serious & probably beyond intervention

at first she thought she had us all fooled

now she doesn't care.

she drinks Vodka straight - carrys 2 bottles in her purse, you guessed it

1 - water 1- Vodka...

So any advise or comparison to one who rises to drink and passes out and drinks some more just to pass out again .??

Patsy

Only she can decide to accept help. The only time to intervene is when she puts herself or others at danger. You can try catching a moment of sobriety and tackling the subject, and suggest help. The best help is from outside family and friend groups, a professional, objective stranger. It is emotionally draining and can be dangerous dealing with an alhoholic family member. Sometimes it calls for for tough love, even temporary rejection or exclusion. If she went to a clinic for example she would not have visits or access to family for early stages of detox. But it is not something to tackle yourself however much good you feel you can do.

There are support lines for relatives. Wonderful life lines.

Carolly · Post by **Carolly** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 5:11 am

shelbell;964326 wrote: Sorry to tell you this Patsy, but she needs to make that decision on her own, feeling desperate enought to reach out for help. I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 5 years clean. It took me 4 detoxes and 3 treatment centers before I finally got it. I think the turning point for me was the fact that I would black out for a few hours, and need a couple of drinks before I could even get out of bed, my whole body had the shakes and I couldn't even walk without them, I knew I would die if I didn't stop.

Alcohol is also the most dangerous thing to stop suddenly, worse than any drug. You can actually die from coming off the booze. Sometimes a person never gets it until they're in the hospital...or dead.

You need to tell her you will no longer enable her, and only call when she's ready to get help...until then, you will not talk to her. She needs to see that loss of someone special to her. If she finally wants to get clean, please, don't just take her to AA, have her go to a detox center so they can monitor her while she gets the stuff out of her system. Then a treatment center so she can see what she's doing and get educated and relate to others that are dealing with the same thing. Then she'll be ready for AA. All alcoholics are afraid of having to start feeling again...it's a hard road, but well worth the effort. Before I went into my last detox, I drank 56 beers in 21 hours.

I know I'm rambling on, but this is something I am very passionate about.A very honest and good post Shell........excellent infact.I also could write so much here having a mother who was one and a husband who killed our marriage in the end because of it making me go to the arms of another through sheer unhappiness and years of hurt and lies all revolving round drink.I stood by him through so much and to this day would never turn my back on him because yes he is a good person but he killed my feelings for him as a wife because of the tears he caused me....the hurt....words spoken that he cant remember that I will have in my head until my dying day.I stood by him for 27 years....through so much.He tried everything to no avail and one day I knew the marriage was over but a friendship would never die as that he dont deserve.He knows he killed the marriage and I have seen a difference in him and hope maybe at last the AA is actually helping him and also the fact that he knows he may have lost a wife but he dont want to lose a good friend as well......and TBH... ..No he could never do that as I would never let it.Another thing to people out there...........unless you have walked in peoples shoes its so hard to imagine how things really are.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:39 am

Shelbell - I know you right, thank you

Carolly - it's tough, she's my bestest friend, I feel so helpless.

Violetmay - thank you

My sister's kidneys are shutting down, she has @ 30% function and is seeing a specialist..? why? Prescribed Meds, which she took a gulp of Vodka to take her Meds... I Can't stand it

Hopefully one DR will talk firmly with her - I doubt it..?

Patsy

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:54 am

Patsy Warnick;1029462 wrote: Shelbell - I know you right, thank you

Carolly - it's tough, she's my bestest friend, I feel so helpless.

Violetmay - thank you

My sister's kidneys are shutting down, she has @ 30% function and is seeing a specialist..? why? Prescribed Meds, which she took a gulp of Vodka to take her Meds... I Can't stand it

Hopefully one DR will talk firmly with her - I doubt it..?

Patsy

get together some family and commit her..before its to late!

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 10:07 am

i had one Uncle who drank himself to death. At his younger brother's funeral, he talked to my dad in private. He was crying. he told my dad. If he did not stop drinking. the doctor said he would be dead in 6 months. his liver was being eaten away. My dad said, well stop. He said he couldn't. on the day he retired he died. I always loved my uncle as a child. never realizing he had a drinking problem. Then sadly years later my mother told me how he had beaten his wife. when he was drinking. What she must have gone through. Back then. there was nothing for a woman to do. but to hide it and put up with it.