Hubby's youngest brother

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:04 pm

God for give me but i HATE HIM. He is a moocher,druggie, and drunk. i understand my husband loves his little brother. But he causes great drama between us. He was in Galveston during Ike. He is in a shelter in San Antonio. They talked this morning. He owes us at least $5,000. The only time he calls is when he is need. My husband's oldest brother's wife. feels the same way as i do. Which causes DRAMA between them too. the man is 44. when will he grow up?? His family always coddled him as a baby and child. He is far from a child now.

i will stick to my guns no matter what. I do not want him around for any reason. What is your advice??

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:11 pm

Sounds like you have a plan but remember his is your husbands brother with all the good and bad that it involves. Until your Husband is tired of helping him out he still may be in the back ground even if you don't approve. At 44 you would think he would be able to take care of himself, seems that there may be some enabling going on. Good luck with this family issue are the toughest.

[QUOTE]i will stick to my guns no matter what. I do not want him around for any reason. What is your advice??[/QUOTE]

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:13 pm

SY

sometimes Family Members don't realize they are actually contributing to the problem..

I have a Alcoholic Sister

I use to talk to her everyday (long Distance) for hours & laugh & share everything.

I can't anymore

I had to realize I was contributing

the longer we talked - the more she drank. I miss her.

For your situation dear

44 yr old man - he's gotten away with this slumming around & handouts since people give into him.

that's contributing to his problems...Don't expect to be paid back $$..

delicately speak to your husband - it's called "Tough Love". and it's tough.

explain the conflict it cause's with you and why should you be upset and why should you & your husband have friction.

explain the importance of your needs & happiness and that your marriage/ family is priority and that your husband is your priority.

If a conversation doesn't work - write him a sincere letter- make a copy..

I'm sure most of these discussions end up in a argument - mine do...

Men are wired different & need time to ponder

I can go on & on dear - been there.

your welcome to e-mail me if I can be of any help.??

good luck

watch your temper - once a man hears a certain tone - arguments on..

Patsy

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:21 pm

I had to the horrible honours of playing tough love with one of my sons at the age of 19........................sometimes you just have to,

at 44 years old, I certainly would not be loaning him money, even though its his brother, you still have rights in what goes on, you are involved.

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:56 pm

hubby has stopped lending him money. when he called this morning. the call was dropped. to my surprise he did not call him back. but i could tell by the way his brother was fishing around with questions. that he was feeling out hubby to see if he could ask for money.but when he found out about our damage due to Gustav. he knew it was fruitless. so why call back??

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:58 pm

First of all, don't hurt your spirit by hating him. Perhaps, he is to be pitied, but not hated. He may have been enabled to continue his lifestyle, but he also has had choices to make himself. At 44, he is responsible for his own life. He will not like any changes to his routine, so he will naturally not appreciate your refusal to go along with his requests. You should not be in the postion to "heal" him and change his ways. He needs profesional help for that. But first, he has to aknowledge that his life is a mess. What you can do is research any facilities in your area that may benefit him and have that info ready for him when he is ready. In the meantime, it's "tough love" time. Sometimes, saying "no" is a sign of caring and resposibility..................we do this for our children, don't we?:)

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:32 pm

southern yankee;990632 wrote: hubby has stopped lending him money. when he called this morning. the call was dropped. to my surprise he did not call him back. but i could tell by the way his brother was fishing around with questions. that he was feeling out hubby to see if he could ask for money.but when he found out about our damage due to Gustav. he knew it was fruitless. so why call back??

perhaps now was the time you should ask him for the 5,000 back that you loaned him..................tis your time of need now.

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:54 pm

along-for-the-ride;990734 wrote: First of all, don't hurt your spirit by hating him. Perhaps, he is to be pitied, but not hated. He may have been enabled to continue his lifestyle, but he also has had choices to make himself. At 44, he is responsible for his own life. He will not like any changes to his routine, so he will naturally not appreciate your refusal to go along with his requests. You should not be in the postion to "heal" him and change his ways. He needs profesional help for that. But first, he has to aknowledge that his life is a mess. What you can do is research any facilities in your area that may benefit him and have that info ready for him when he is ready. In the meantime, it's "tough love" time. Sometimes, saying "no" is a sign of caring and resposibility..................we do this for our children, don't we?:) he causes turmoil when he is around. i can't explain. He is worse then the black sheep. Pitied?? He had it all and lost it all nearly bringing his brothers down with him.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 8:58 pm

These kind of people don't pay you back Odie

they think Family and the world owe them - the topic of his debt is a subject

he'll never bring up

they just want more.

Maybe he should call the TIM guy in the personal column wanting a campanion.:wah:

Patsy

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:12 pm

Patsy Warnick;990827 wrote: These kind of people don't pay you back Odie

they think Family and the world owe them - the topic of his debt is a subject

he'll never bring up

they just want more.

Maybe he should call the TIM guy in the personal column wanting a campanion.:wah:

Patsy

how well I know, my eldest son is the same, I used to owe him everything!

Victoria · Post by **Victoria** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 11:37 pm

Dont let this man sour your life he is the brother of your husband and always will be so you cant expect him not to want to help. But sometimes saying NO is the most helpful thing anyone can do.

It means they have to find a way of helping themselves.

Some people grow up and find independence others have to be pushed head first into it.

My SIL is one of those squandering her retirement fund, running up credit card bills & store cards ect. Other family members buy her clothes at birthday and Christmas to try to help out. Dad helped her while he could but he is gone now and she has started to mooch off my MIL who has alzhiemers SIL gets 40 pounds carers allowance and she is supposed to look after mum. what she does is sit on her backside watching tv and feeding mum crap last weekend she gave her mother fishfingers and spaghetti hoops for dinner! She takes mum shopping and buys all the yummy stuff she likes to eat then gives her crap.

Just so she could mooch off to the bingo yes that her addiction , gambling bingo, slot machines, scratch cards, football pools, lotto everything.

She is 58 today and has nothing to show for her life. Sad but I have no sympathy I dont hate her, just pity her for wasting her time on this earth.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:10 am

What is that saying? When you marry someone you marry their family. He may be all those things, but to your hubby he's still family and wants to protect him. Hopefully you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain to him that you feel this is hurting your marriage, and how can you two agree to handle the situation. We've had to practice the "tough love" thing with our 20yr old daughter and it's really hard to do...much harder for hubby because she is his biological daughter and my step-daughter. If it's only a little bit and not frequently, I try to turn my head the other way but will have a say if it gets to be too much and too often. It's a tough balance.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:10 am

VIC

isn't terrible knowing your SIL is taking advantage of MIL

can't something be done ?

kick her to the curb - but then again your MIL with ALZ ??

SIL is taking her $$ too

so much scum, worthless people taking up space in this world

like we all owe this piece of crap something..?

I have it tooooooooo.

it's sad

Patsy

southern yankee · Post by **southern yankee** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 8:00 am

a few years ago. hubby's oldest brother allowed him to live in his camp.(little Brother) the only thing he had to do was keep up the yard and pay the light bill. Well the grass was 2 feet high. and the lights got turned off. he ended up homeless. so he put him up in a motel for 2 nights. what does little brother do. stayed a whole week. charging room service and bar bills on his brother's card. The Motel called when it got to $700. wanting to know if he could continue to use the card No#. Little brother has a lot of nerve. he does feel. EVERYONE OWES HIM!!:mad:

Victoria · Post by **Victoria** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 8:34 am

My OH is already there with his mum I am leaving my job and house at the end of this week to join him we are saying that we will be there just until our house sells and we buy something new.

Truth is I will be taking over the care of my MIL I like to cook and Ive worked as a home help so thats no problem MIL is sweet and good natured as long as those around her are calm so is she.

My SIL will gently be eased out of her role as carer not hard as she hates housework and cooking !

As from next week her role will consist of keeping mum company and watching TV with her even she can manage that.

We want mum to stay in her home as long as possible as we believe that going into a home would confuse her more. The house is rented so theres no worries about having to sell the house, when she really needs nursing care we will help to arrange that for her.