Dirty Rotten SOB

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:42 pm

Yesterday a good friend of the family committed suicide... He got into a spat with his wife, he drove about an hour out of town and he shot his self.

I know generally we mourn the death of our peers and family but I can't help the anger I feel.

He destroyed the family life he had, his wife and his 5 year old and his 3 year old no longer have their husband/father in their life.

My brother and his wife have to take an emergancy flight home to attend to his wife his family and his funeral.

He has ripped the hearts out of my brother and sis in law, my folks, myself, my children, our friends etc.

There is nothing more selfish than taking your life.

EP I wish I could have told you not to take your life... many people struggle and fight for their lives daily but you so freely took yours without regard to those you left behind.

May you rest in Peace as best as you can, and may the city police force still salute you and give you an honerable passing because I am not sure I can do so next week.

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:52 pm

I've often felt like this when people kill themselves... mostly i want to know how they lost hope...

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:54 pm

so so sad and very selfish when you have family, there was help out there!

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:03 pm

Tragic for everyone left behind.

We had a young girl in the office try and OD on Monday we got to her in time she is only 23. I will never understand the desire to kill yourself. I feel for them and the demon's that torment them, but as was said there is help out there. :-1

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:06 pm

CARLA;1007624 wrote: Tragic for everyone left behind.

We had a young girl in the office try and OD on Monday we got to her in time she is only 23. I will never understand the desire to kill yourself. I feel for them and the demon's that torment them, but as was said there is help out there. :-1

sometimes I think people are so destraut at those times, they are to far from help............they just have to much on their minds.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:24 pm

We are so judgemental when it comes to this issue. I understand the anger but selfish? No. Tragic yes. But to blame them for the disharmony in their soul is not right in my opinion.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:31 pm

RedGlitter;1007632 wrote: We are so judgemental when it comes to this issue. I understand the anger but selfish? No. Tragic yes. But to blame them for the disharmony in their soul is not right in my opinion.

too true Red maybe we just don't know how to feel in these kinds of situations it certainly is a mix of emotions.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:51 pm

Minks

so sorry to hear - your going thru steps of mourning

just in a different order than what your usually accustomed.

Next week - you'll be sad, and the familiar mourning steps proceed.

I don't/won't choose a side involving a suicide.

I feel sorry for the souls with the need to go.

I feel sorry all family member's involved in the ripple affect of grief.

I place no blame

I'm so sorry - I've had to deal with the same - it's a roller coaster of emotions.

Support the Family - your's & friends? try to keep your opinions out of the mix of things - suicide's can get messy with speculation & under currant.

Take care of yourself

Patsy

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:11 am

How very sad and so so tragic.

You and everyone concerned have every right to feel anger but you'll find that eases.

I was so angry when my nieces husband hung himself, my heart ached for my sister who found him, she was just seconds too late to save him.

As the years have moved on I found that family feelings changed, from anger to guilt, pity then grief at the loss and waste of life.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time. :yh_flower

Milly · Post by **Milly** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:15 am

RedGlitter;1007632 wrote: We are so judgemental when it comes to this issue. I understand the anger but selfish? No. Tragic yes. But to blame them for the disharmony in their soul is not right in my opinion.

Yes.... I agree with that too....

Minks - I'm so very sorry for your loss ...... xxx

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:39 am

Hey Minks, I wasn't picking on you. I understand why you're angry. Anger comes with death quite often and especially with a suicide. But it might help you to temper your anger with the knowledge of how unhappy this person must have been at the moment he made his choice. I would be willing to bet that he wasn't thinking of leaving his children and wife behind; he just probably wanted to stop the pain and thought that was his only option. Be angry if you need to be but try hard not to blame him for what he did. If it's true that the dead know our feelings once they get to the other side, then surely he's feeling more than his share of guilt and sorrow.

I just don't want you to think I was striking out at you because I wasn't. And I'm sorry for his family, for him and his friends, including you.

Post by **spot** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:54 am

I think minks is perfectly justified to be furious with him. Suicide's a means of getting revenge. There'd be a lot less of it if the standard response was anger rather than self-recrimination.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:12 am

It is always gut-wrenching to hear of a death, let alone a suicide. 9 times out of 10, it's a cry for help and I've been there myself as a young man when I felt everything was against me.

But when you have family, or even just close friends, suicide is a selfish act. The people left behind, especially those very close will always be left wondering if perhaps they could have done more. The effect on children goes quite deep.

There are many ways of getting help. But this guy seemed to be too proud and too arogant. He wanted to hurt those closest to him. I can only feel sadness and pity for him. Somehow, he never matured sufficiently to accept his responsibilities in life.

My thoughts now go to his family and to you Minks. I wish I could put my arms around you all.:-4:-1

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:41 am

Ive given suicide a lot of thought. I experienced it last year just at this time.

A very young woman down in Georgia. I have come to the conclusion that at the moment they do it... they have no choice. Its like for a split second flash, a demon takes control of the victims brain. Had they been able to make it through one more day... they wouldnt have done it. Its very scary to embrace this concept.

It does cause far more pain to loved ones left behind. It is a horrible thing to do. I do think that revenge is in the motivation. But then people who calculate revenge are very childish, and ignorant, and selfish. They just never aquire the tools to deal with anything.

I hope the family he left behind has lots of support to help them cope with this.

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:49 am

I just read all of the posts, finishing with Weeders. The phrase, "one more day" stands out. If a person contemplated suicide would give themselves one more day to reconsider, to hug somebody, to cry on someones shoulder....maybe a life would be prolonged. Too often, here in the south, I hear of folks, usually men, commiting suicide. One man worked where I work and I knew the family casually for many years. I knew him and his wife as a young married couple expecting their first child. So tragic to me. Where did the hope and joy go?

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:43 am

Two years ago I was making plans to end myself. That will sadden some people that I didn't go through with it but too bad. I'm still here. :rolleyes: Anyway, there is a person I met on FG who unknowingly put a stop to my intent. He made me want to see a brighter day. But before he came along, joy and hope had LONG run out. It's really making me angry to hear all this talk about selfishness, revenge, and eventually cowardice will pop up as well. If you haven't been in that spot, there is no way you could possibly understand what it is like. I couldn't explain it to you because my words would be too inadequate to make you feel the magnitude of the pain and numbness that makes a person want to stop living.

Post by **spot** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:01 am

That accounts well for why you see the problem from a particular perspective. One would hope you could at least accept that there are other ways of looking at it - from the outside, as it were - which validly reflect the damage such events have on those left behind.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:45 am

Even if you're single, there are going to be those hurt by someone committing suicide. Of course, they will get over it.

If the person ending their life has family, that family needs them. They will get over it somehow, but it will not be easy and the emotional pain will not make it any better.

In either case, the people left behind will wonder if they failed somewhere.

From my experience, people commit suicide for selfish reasons. "They don't love me, they don't need me, see how they manage without me, they won't miss me, etc."

I have never heard anyone commit suicide so their heart can be donated to another, or to effect relief for another for whatever reason. Euthanasia is another example of suicide to relieve others of the burden of caring for you. This type of suicide is still emotionally painful, but at least it's not done for selfish reasons or in an emotionally entangled atmosphere. And any dependents left behind are given the opportunity to prepare.

It is true that that person needs help, I don't deny this. But they can be so hard to help. Likewise, they will make it hard to help them to get more commitment from you.

TheNewDG · Post by **TheNewDG** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:44 am

I am so sorry for this news, Minks.

Your feelings are normal. Anger is mostly felt by friends and family after a suicide. At least that is how I hear it.

Accept my deepest sympathies.

minks · Post by **minks** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:34 am

Thanks to you all, I will face this head on either this evening or tomorrow when I meet up with my brother and sis in law... they are due in from Mexico some time within the next 24 hours.....more emotional over flow again.

Red hunny you know I never take your comments as an attack in any way.

I think I take the angry approach to suicide because I still harbor a gigantic deep hurt in my heart from when my best friend died during a failed medical procedure. You see I still can't understand someone wanting to end their life when someone like my best friend faught to save her life. Prior to saving her life she saved her daughters (took her away from her father before he shot his self) and lastly she saved a little boy with FAS from a life of hell by adopting him.

Lives should be saved not taken.

For all of you have thought about taking your lives I am so glad you didn't and you had friends/loved ones who were there for you, or found strength from somewhere else. I admire your strength to change your minds.

Trunk Monkey · Post by **Trunk Monkey** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:04 am

So very sad :-1

Suicidal behaviors can accompany many emotional disturbances, including depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. More than 90% of all suicides are related to a mood disorder or other psychiatric illness.

Suicidal behaviors often occur in response to a situation that the person views as overwhelming, such as social isolation, death of a loved one, emotional trauma, serious physical illness, aging, unemployment or financial problems, guilty feelings, or dependence on alcohol or other drug.

I wonder if he just couldn't cope with an emotional problem or if he felt he was in a situation where he felt his family and friends would be better off without him. We will never know the answer.

You have every right to be angry and my thoughts and prayers are with you and his family :-4

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:18 am

That's completely understandable Minks. Completely.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:34 am

So sorry Minks:-4

Best wishes to his family and to yours.

My cousin committed suicide, I understand your anger and frustration, its not misplaced and I still think my cousin acted selfishly to not reach out, whether i'm right or wrong, I'm the one feeling that, not some stranger looking in.

R.I.P.

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:41 am

I'm so sorry Minks....I know how you feel. It's hard for us to understand why they would do such a thing....so sad for all involved:-4

TheNewDG · Post by **TheNewDG** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:36 pm

Stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then acceptance. When my friend found her S/O dead, she skipped right over denial into anger.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:23 pm

I understand your feelings. Theyre valid. Its one of the most shocking things and Im sorry you have to experience this minksy.

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 8:03 am

I am sorry to hear you had to go through this Minks, my thoughts are with you and your family:yh_hugs

lukeofyorkshire · Post by **lukeofyorkshire** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:27 am

I can see this from all sides really.

I got married on 9th August this year an on 14th September my wife told me she did not love me the same way anymore and was not attracted to me anymore.

She asked me to leave and a week after I moved out she moved in her ex from 12years ago who fathered her 11 year old daughter. He left her alone an pregnant and has not paid for or been in the kids life until 3 weeks before we married.

It felt like a kick in the face to say he was going to be a better Dad than me who has looked after the kid as my own for 2 years.

I was alone in a strange town (I had given up everything to move) in a house of one of her friends who was on holiday for a week and I nearly did kill myself twice. I backed out at the last minute both times as I thought it was a selfish act and would not be fair on my family and friends, on the person who found my body and on her daughter who I remain close to but sadly am unable to see.

Thanks to the love and support of my family and friends I was brought home, given somewhere to live and found a job working with my brother. I have come through the darkest of times and can understand where this poor man was coming from. I do not know his reasons and feel for his family and friends.

I would say to anyone who is considering suicide it is not an option, there is always someone to talk to and while you don't think it, things do get better eventually. I still have alot of healing to do as I still love my wife and it is just going to take time but with my family and friends around me I know I will make it through. Love to them all.

Post by **spot** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:45 am

I'm sure you've a lot to go through still, Luke, but congratulations on surviving.

shelbell · Post by **shelbell** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:25 pm

Wow Luke, that is so sad that she could do that to you. I'm glad you made the decision to stick around.

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:26 pm

lukeofyorkshire;1025017 wrote: I can see this from all sides really.

I got married on 9th August this year an on 14th September my wife told me she did not love me the same way anymore and was not attracted to me anymore.

She asked me to leave and a week after I moved out she moved in her ex from 12years ago who fathered her 11 year old daughter. He left her alone an pregnant and has not paid for or been in the kids life until 3 weeks before we married.

It felt like a kick in the face to say he was going to be a better Dad than me who has looked after the kid as my own for 2 years.

I was alone in a strange town (I had given up everything to move) in a house of one of her friends who was on holiday for a week and I nearly did kill myself twice. I backed out at the last minute both times as I thought it was a selfish act and would not be fair on my family and friends, on the person who found my body and on her daughter who I remain close to but sadly am unable to see.

Thanks to the love and support of my family and friends I was brought home, given somewhere to live and found a job working with my brother. I have come through the darkest of times and can understand where this poor man was coming from. I do not know his reasons and feel for his family and friends.

I would say to anyone who is considering suicide it is not an option, there is always someone to talk to and while you don't think it, things do get better eventually. I still have alot of healing to do as I still love my wife and it is just going to take time but with my family and friends around me I know I will make it through. Love to them all.

Thank you for sharing you heart-wrenching story Luke. I'm happy that you made a wise decision to live, and that you're here in the garden, amongst friends:-6I can see that you'll be happy here.

lukeofyorkshire · Post by **lukeofyorkshire** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:15 am

Thanks Kathy I can already feel myself getting addicted to this place lol.

Got up late today and chilled out, made a nice Sunday lunch for my parents and just finished cleaning the kitchen. I made a right mess :wah:

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:21 am

lukeofyorkshire;1026728 wrote: Thanks Kathy I can already feel myself getting addicted to this place lol.

Got up late today and chilled out, made a nice Sunday lunch for my parents and just finished cleaning the kitchen. I made a right mess :wah:

you promised me and immy some crumble:rolleyes::rolleyes: Bet you ate it all didnt ya:rolleyes::D

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:25 am

Stolen from the great Theia:

I myself find this thought remarkable.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers...Rainer Maria Rilke

Heal and be kind to yourself.

lukeofyorkshire · Post by **lukeofyorkshire** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:41 am

Thanks Nomad I like that.

Now Chezzie I know I made a promise but what was left over was all ready to go in a jiffy bag for you then my Dad's Dogs looked at me with those sad eyes and I had to give them the left overs with some custard!!

o

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 3:37 pm

Thanks for sharing Luke, and bravo on your courage again I hold your family in the highest of praise for helping you out.

As time goes on your will find a lot of us here have faced some pretty bleak times and the support in FG is outstanding. I hope you get stronger and heal quick.

hoxtonchris · Post by **hoxtonchris** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 3:51 pm

the only people who can realy say if suicide is a selfish act are those that have been there themselves,this applies to other emotions,greaving from bereavment,being in love,murderous,etc.i realy despair when folk are judgemental of the mentaly disturbed.when someone decides to die they often feel those left behind will be much better off .they are in such mental despair that their brain takes over,it decides what we do ,not us.so please dont waste time in bitter resentment remember the most valuable word in the human vocabulary ,,compassion.

usernew · Post by **usernew** » Fri May 29, 2009 4:32 am

I really don't know why people take that step. There is always a hope in life. Then why some people don't understand that Suicide is not the solution.

I always believe in face the difficulties like a man or not suicide like a coward.

G-man · Post by **G-man** » Fri May 29, 2009 7:33 am

Sorry to hear about this tragedy, Minks. You're absolutely justified in how you feel about this situation, too. It was indeed a very selfish act that didn't involve God, his family or the opinion of any of his loved ones who deeply loved him, whether he was aware of it or not. No matter how tough or how overwhelmed we may feel at one time, things always improve at some point.

It's very difficult to lose a dearly loved one like that... I've just recently lost my Grandmother and was just fortunate enough to spend quality time with her these past few months before she passed away peacefully in her sleep. I was able to tell her goodbye and say all of the things I'd always wanted to say and I had no regrets when she finally passed away. This friend of yours took so much from you and your family and it was selfish, senseless and over in a split second once he pulled that trigger.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Fri May 29, 2009 12:19 pm

usernew;1196108 wrote: I really don't know why people take that step. There is always a hope in life. Then why some people don't understand that Suicide is not the solution.

I always believe in face the difficulties like a man or not suicide like a coward.

some people by then are so far gone, that hope is no where around.

Chockygirl · Post by **Chockygirl** » Fri May 29, 2009 5:06 pm

minks;1007595 wrote: Yesterday a good friend of the family committed suicide... He got into a spat with his wife, he drove about an hour out of town and he shot his self.

I know generally we mourn the death of our peers and family but I can't help the anger I feel.

He destroyed the family life he had, his wife and his 5 year old and his 3 year old no longer have their husband/father in their life.

My brother and his wife have to take an emergancy flight home to attend to his wife his family and his funeral.

He has ripped the hearts out of my brother and sis in law, my folks, myself, my children, our friends etc.

There is nothing more selfish than taking your life.

EP I wish I could have told you not to take your life... many people struggle and fight for their lives daily but you so freely took yours without regard to those you left behind.

May you rest in Peace as best as you can, and may the city police force still salute you and give you an honerable passing because I am not sure I can do so next week.Maybe,he was suffering from depression and just couldn't contol the black thoughts anymore?

It's an insidious disease,and the people who suffer often feel there is no hope or future anymore.

Any death is shocking to those who loved the person,but a suicide is even more so because of all the unanswered questions and the apparent waste of a life.

princessladedah · Post by **princessladedah** » Fri May 29, 2009 7:08 pm

I am sorry for your loss, he must have hurt horridly inside

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Fri May 29, 2009 8:19 pm

Minks.........so sorry for you loss babe.:-4

birdseed · Post by **birdseed** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:50 am

I know that anger. I had a co-worker friend commit suicide 4 years ago. I was one of the ones who went to check on him after he didn't show up for work--his house was open-his bedroom door was locked.

bad feeling--I left and called police. They went in and found him.

He left a 3 year old little one.

I was asked to give a eulogy by his family---I dit-but it was very hard to do when you are angry with him for being so selfish. I suppose there was some very real pain on his part on some level I will never fully understand.

I know you are angry--but I am still sorry for the loss.....

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:11 am

RedGlitter;1007632 wrote: I understand the anger but selfish?

I agree with this post, of which I've quoted only a part. To condemn, one must know both the purpose of, and the reason why. This is very difficult to know. Personally, I do not think that the purpose, for the vast majority, would be "revenge".