whats wrong with me?

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:35 am

It's difficult to answer this. One worries that anything one says could be wrong...

It sounds to me as if your marriage is over and has been for some time. 17 is very young to get married.

But I do recommend you talk things through with your husband BEFORE you take things further with this new bloke - assuming he's as interested in you as you are in him. The moral aspect matters, and you will feel bad in yourself if you do deceitful things. Not to mention that deceit is a very bad place to start a relationship.

Anyway, good luck. You're in a tough place, but by admitting it, you are starting the process that could move you away from that place.

flopstock · Post by **flopstock** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:44 am

you are meeting the guy... there aint no 'starting to like' about it.

why you are doing this is simple.. you like the attention and posting what you are doing adds to the excitement of it.

why you don't feel guilty... who cares? you don't get extra points here for feeling guilty or not guilty.

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:00 am

I hope you donâ€™t mind me being blunt.

You donâ€™t feel bad because, well your only 27, you have been stuck in a relationship with this guy since you were 17. You have a history with him and 2 daughters, but he screws around and got someone else pregnant as well. It is a relationship based on history and â€˜likeâ€™ not necessarily â€˜loveâ€™.

There nothing wrong with you, you are not in love with the person that you are married to, and he is not in love with you, otherwise none of that would be going on.

What you do about it is up to you.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 12:38 pm

Idgie;1114311 wrote: Two wrongs don't make it right.

In marriage, a couple does everything possible to recify their problems and if they can't, then and only then, do they terminate the relationship and move on.

Sounds to me like you are afraid of being on your own, thus your indirectly running into this other man so you have another man hooked before leaving the old one.

Why are you doing this? You answered yourself in your post. You stated you feel justified in your actions. You don't feel guilt because I think you know your marraige is over and you are ready to move on. The way you are going about it IMO is wrong.

Bingo!

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:56 pm

Sounds like two people "playing house" to me.......not in a serious commited relationship. You both have two children to think about. YOU do the right thing and legally take care of this present relationship before you even think about another relationship. At 27, you are an adult now..........and there is no going back to 17. Get legal advice, spiritual advice, financial advice....whatever....and move on if that's what you need to do. But, please think of your children. You are their mother and they need you.

And.........welcome to the Forum.

Attached files

TruthBringer · Post by **TruthBringer** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:37 am

mindindistress;1114229 wrote: ok so i am a 27 year old female. have been with my husband since we were 17. we have 2 daughters, and a good relationship at the moment. there has been periods of infidelty. it seems like a pattern we go through every couple of years. the past 4 years have been good cuz we have been busy, had two kids and got married. we'll the last time we had major drama he got another woman pregnant, we were together but not living together at the time. i had met a guy nothing happened but there was always chemisrty. it has been 4 years and i have been have reccuring dreams about this guy like twice a month. we live in the same town so i have always tried to indirectly run into him. well about two months ago we started talking. we meet every so often. i am starting to like him and for some reason i feel justified in my actions. we usually talk through text so it is like its real enough but not too real if that makes sense. why am i doing this and why don't i feel guilty???:-5

This is not a joke. I have one homework assignment for you if you haven't seen it already. Watch the movie American Beauty.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:10 pm

mindindistress;1114229 wrote: ok so i am a 27 year old female. have been with my husband since we were 17. we have 2 daughters, and a good relationship at the moment. there has been periods of infidelty. it seems like a pattern we go through every couple of years. the past 4 years have been good cuz we have been busy, had two kids and got married. we'll the last time we had major drama he got another woman pregnant, we were together but not living together at the time. i had met a guy nothing happened but there was always chemisrty. it has been 4 years and i have been have reccuring dreams about this guy like twice a month. we live in the same town so i have always tried to indirectly run into him. well about two months ago we started talking. we meet every so often. i am starting to like him and for some reason i feel justified in my actions. we usually talk through text so it is like its real enough but not too real if that makes sense. why am i doing this and why don't i feel guilty???:-5

let me get this straight:

you like both go through cheating on each other for periods?

but you haven't because you like both have been busy lately?

now your seeing a guy like while married again?

like, perhaps me thinks you need to think about more than like just being guilty?

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:56 pm

Perhaps you need to have a good think about what is really important to you.

Do you want to stay married,do you want to leave?

Do you want the new guy or is it the thrill of a new romance that you like?

I don't have any answers for you.

I do have a suggestion though.

Do what is right by your children before you worry about yourself,your husband or your friend.

The kids :-4have to come first in all this.

Welcome to the forum.:-6

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:15 pm

mindindistress;1115694 wrote: ok so maybe there is a pshycological thing going on here. perhaps i am a whore??

No, I do not think of you as a "whore". As far as holding down a job and taking care of your home, you do sound responsible in those endeavors. My "playing house" description goes to the relationship between your husband and yourself based on what you have told us. You want advice, and you only gave us a certain amount of information in your post. I'm not judging you, believe me. I just thought I'd give you something to think about as the other posters have.

It's your life.

nok · Post by **nok** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:37 am

I agree with the other posters here. No matter what you or your husband decide to do, children should come first as they are very effected by marital problems. They need you. You are their mother.

Good luck to you, no matter what you decide to do, whether to work on your marriage or let go and start a new life.

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:57 am

mindindistress;1115694 wrote: ok so maybe there is a pshycological thing going on here. perhaps i am a whore??

Yikes, don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a whore. You just need to be honest with yourself, you are not in love with your husband.

In life, there are a lot of screwed up relationships out there, you have been involved with same guy since you were a teenager. When most people in their early 20's are out exploring the world and 'finding themselves' you were raising kids. Maybe this is just your way of exploring yourself.

You need to know in your own life how to find your happiness.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 4:14 am

Your playing with fire. Situations like yours have the potential to turn all lives involved into a real nightmare. Cheating under any circumstances is never justifiable, profitable, or acceptable. **** or get off the pot is an old saying that covers a multitude of what ifs. And if you dont wont to hear honest reactions or opinions to a dilemma, dont offer up glimpses into your personal life for comment. Put up your favorite recipe for stew.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:48 am

Actually your cheating yourself...

Your cheating yourself out of Love & Respect

Bringing a 3rd party into this mix - is dangerous - hows your husband's temper?

would he be OK - cool to see you & the "friend" sharing time? think NOT...

Keep you distance from other men - see the counselor - keep a journal on how you feel.

your hurt - your tolerating your husbands error - don't play payback.

your kids watch & absorb everything - I did

Have you husband see the counselor also - perhaps all can be worked out.

Respect yourself - be proud of years of marriage..

marriage is a roller coaster

your only half way thru the ride...

Patsy

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:11 am

mindindistress;1116781 wrote: so here is what i have decided i am going to talk to a counselor. i really believe that i have some inner issues that need to be resolved before i can even think about what to do outside of my own head. but dont fret my kids are the most important things to me.

good for you and good luck :-6

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:13 am

Speaking of shrinks... you will like this (I hope)

YouTube - Mad TV Bob Newhart Skit - Mo Collins - Stop it

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:59 am

mindindistress;1121649 wrote: STOP IT!!!! that was great!! thank you

Remember: Men have two heads, therefore also have two minds, the secret is to control both at the same time and keep the balance right. If you focus too much on one mind, the other will wonder.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:45 pm

mindindistress;1116781 wrote: so here is what i have decided i am going to talk to a counselor. i really believe that i have some inner issues that need to be resolved before i can even think about what to do outside of my own head. but dont fret my kids are the most important things to me.

Thats it.

This is the correct response.

nok · Post by **nok** » Tue Feb 03, 2009 12:47 am

Good for you ! You're doing the right thing !

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:35 am

mindindistress

you are strong...

your other "guy", well, bad timing, wasn't meant to be a relationship "friendship".

Husband knowing - I think I'd wait until some real progress has been made. Since your husband works out of town frequently, I'm assuming coming & going isn't a problem.?

with progress - including your husband will be helpful for healing.

Mindin- are you doing anything constructive to keep yourself/mind busy/occupied ?

your taking care of yourself by speaking to your counselor - it's a tough patch to work out - your strong .

Mental health is Healthy, wish you the best..

Patsy

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:28 pm

I am glad to see you are receiving counceling. You have taken that first difficult step. Hang in there!

nok · Post by **nok** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 5:56 am

I hope that things will get better for you from now on. That is good that you are working on your marriage and receiving counseling- it's always good to see a professional as they have been trained to deal with problems such as this one.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:17 am

...just popping in to say, "Well, done," and "Good for you," and "Keep going!":-6

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:46 pm

mind in distress;1114229 wrote: ok so i am a 27 year old female. have been with my husband since we were 17. we have 2 daughters, and a good relationship at the moment. there has been periods of infidelity. it seems like a pattern we go through every couple of years. the past 4 years have been good cuz we have been busy, had two kids and got married. we'll the last time we had major drama he got another woman pregnant, we were together but not living together at the time. i had met a guy nothing happened but there was always chemistry. it has been 4 years and i have been have recurring dreams about this guy like twice a month. we live in the same town so i have always tried to indirectly run into him. well about two months ago we started talking. we meet every so often. i am starting to like him and for some reason i feel justified in my actions. we usually talk through text so it is like its real enough but not too real if that makes sense. why am i doing this and why don't i feel guilty???:-5

I am going to jump in with both feet here.

I was a teen bride married at 15 , 4 pregnancies, 3 live births before my 20th b-day.

If you really want to do yourself and your kids a favor.

Get completely free and clear of the relationship that has died a slow and painful death . Once everyone , you or kids and the ex all understand it is over and finished , then you take enough time to heal and to help your kids heal. because no matter how cute or sexy or how strong a 'connection ' there seems to be with this other guy, the bottom line is your kids and yourself are the most important people that you are responsible for. physically, emotionally and mentally. after you have got it all in control and working for the good of your family , by then you will have gained the confidence in yourself and the strength you need to make the right decisions .

If you were to overlap the relationships by getting with a new guy before getting away from the old guy what you will have done is taken a bad problem and made it a 100% worse.

I'm guessing you Won't want to be making the same decisions in 10 years about 'should I stay or should I go' that you are facing now after spending 10 years of your life with a man that shows no respect or responsibility for the home and family you share with him .

The part of your story about the other woman being pregnant is what got me to running off at the keyboard here. and the suggestion i have typed here for you is almost a word for word quote of the advice a very smart lady gave me when I was experiencing the emotional garbage that comes with dealing a husband and his pregnant girlfriend.

standing up and shouldering the responsebilty of yourself ,your decisions while dealing with kids alone is one of the toughest things in the world to do. but there is just is no fairy tale prince charming out there that will step up to instant hero and shinning knight .

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:49 pm

Mindin-

Your closure - it's closed. done. that's your closure.

Your closure was your step forward to a healthy you and a healthy marriage.

that's your closure.

The issue to work thru (other guy), is Love, you fell in love with him, that's what you need to work thru. and fall Back In - Love with your husband, if possible.?

Your marriage has alot of wounds - alot of work ahead.

I'm proud of you for taking the incentive seeing a counselor, it's a postive ..

Staying busy? - Do you work ?

What do you do for yourself? Manicure? Exercise Class? Journal? Craft's? Cook?

Feel free to PM me anytime, if I can help.?

Good luck

Patsy

Scholle - Perfect reply

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:23 am

Good day....yeh

It may take some time to fall back in love with your husband - but it can happen.

Do you & your husband ever get a chance to have a getaway by yourselves.?

Very beneficial if you two could have time alone - completely alone.

what ever would you two do..? maybe enjoy eachother.

Journal - your entitled to some privacy - write in code if necessary

a journal is a very healthy way to air your thoughts - clear your head etc...

use a writing tablet to start with today..

Today is a good day & I see some light at the end of the tunnel..

this is how I feel today :

Congrats to your progress.

Patsy

Lone Wolf · Post by **Lone Wolf** » Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:15 am

mikeinie;1114281 wrote: I hope you donâ€™t mind me being blunt.

You donâ€™t feel bad because, well your only 27, you have been stuck in a relationship with this guy since you were 17. You have a history with him and 2 daughters, but he screws around and got someone else pregnant as well. It is a relationship based on history and â€˜likeâ€™ not necessarily â€˜loveâ€™.

There nothing wrong with you, you are not in love with the person that you are married to, and he is not in love with you, otherwise none of that would be going on.

What you do about it is up to you.

i couldnt agree more.......happiness is the key to the world without it one just exists..all you are doing is searching for it....

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:01 pm

mindindistress;1151682 wrote: ok so things have became a little dramatic. so after my last post, i think it had been about 3 weeks since joe and had talked. i had sent him an email kind of explaining where i was coming from and what had brought this all up. so didnt hear from him was coming to terms with that in my mind. then one sunday some one had told my husband that joe and i had been talking. husband and i of course had a big discussion. and the whole time that him and were talking i just kept thinking "if you want out now is the time", but because it is easier i told him we should work on it. i told him as much truth as i possibly could, told him i was seeing a therapist, which at first he was very supportive about. so the next day i come to work and wouldn't you know it there is an email from joe. i mean seriously!! i had the worst panic attack i have ever had!! so his email was about how he felt and what was going on in his life. so since then we have talked alittle and i have shared with him som of me, emotionally raw. i get to see my therapist today so that is good cuz right now i am so confused i just want to press pause you know try to breathe.i just cant get joe out of my head but i have to in order to save my narriage. but is that what i want? and my girls i know family is best for them, and i want them to always be happy. my husband and i are fine we dont fight or anything, its just all in me. lately husband has been saying things about me going to counsoling that seems like he is making jokes, and that doesnt help. he now also is always making comments about himself, how he isnt enough and that hurts so bad because it really has nothing to do with him, its all me. i really didnt want him to feel like this. i know, how could he not, finding this alll out when he was completely in the dark. ugh..................................:-5
IMO, it's good that you are seeking "professional" help! Sometimes "they" can pinpoint the feelings accurately, & correctly. I was going to say, but it was already mentioned, that you were only "17" when you tied yourself down to one man! (And your husband to one woman) You (and he) didn't have time to go out there and sow your wild oats as the saying goes! You & he never had the time to go to wild parties, spring break, loud concerts, and all the other things 17 year olds do! Now, you find yourself as a "grownup", with family, & all the responsibilities, & you are now wondering when does your fun time begin!? Your youth has passed you bye!

In addition, your husband S/B seeing a professional as well, as he has his own set of problems to be delt with. It might be a good idea if you both went to the same professional, at seperate times if need be, so the professional could get the entire picture from both perspectives.

Well, GOOD LUCK, & best wishes on what ever you decide to do!

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 7:06 pm

Well, you went and opened that CAN of WORMS didn't you..?

So, now to save your marriage ( IF that's Still the Goal ) both you & husband will need to seek counseling, which will recommend seperate & joint counseling.

Counselor may say YEH or NEY to salvage your marriage..?

Mindin- you seem reserved, somewhat a introvert ?

I ask since you mentioned husband has sly comments (throwing dirt) now, as if he has a Halo.

those comments are destructive - waste of spit

where does husband stand regarding the marriage? those comments aren't a positive or a mending tool.

See - you & husband should've taken my advise & ran away for a few days..

Getting " re-acquainted " will be alot of work here

Seek counseling to see if either one of you are up to the challenge/work.?

Good Luck

Patsy

stella · Post by **stella** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 8:13 pm

Everyone has their own opinion on this but my opinion is this: Do not cheat, if you see your marriage going nowhere get a divorce and go from there.....since you are aware of your husbands cheating, thats automatically ground for divorce without waiting a 6 months or a year of separation depending where u live so if you dont have feelings for your husband no longer get a divorce and then think what u wanna do.

Staying in the marriage and cheating on one another is not morally good thing to do and since you have kids and the longer that goes on, the more hurt you will cause to your kids as they grow up, even more than if u divorced, but maintained custody together.

I also think that you got married at a young age and have not had a chance to experience what else is out there, so be super careful this time.

All the best

cars · Post by **cars** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 2:54 pm

mindindistress;1154611 wrote: well s**t has really hit the fan as they say!!! went to my counsoler last week and i had taken some of the emails that "joe" and i had been sending to each other to try to get somethings straight. stupid me forgot that i had them in my purse and when i went to sleep thet night my husband went through my things and found them. i woke up the next morning to him standing over me saying he was leaving. i of course fell apart. he left i calming got my children ready and started the day as normal as possible. so i sat at work numb trying to figure out what to do. i left work around 11 cause i couldn't stand not knowing what was going on. when i got home my husband was there with the kids. he knew everything so that in its self was a huge relief!! so to make a long story short we talked about EVERYTHING and have decided to give it ago once more see where we stand, if we can work through our issues by talking and not just burying them which is what i do. i really do feel so much better this has been going on for so long. so thank you to everyone for your support and advice. will keep you posted. thanks
Best of luck, hope all works out as you both desire! Marriage is a 50-50 proposition, you both will have to work hard at making things better. Communication is paramount, & it seems you're on that track, and going in the right direction. "Don't forget", you both still need to get that professional help!

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:54 pm

mindindistress;1115694 wrote: ok so maybe there is a pshycological thing going on here. perhaps i am a whore??

Thats what Im thinking.

But whores get a really bad rap in my opinion.

You do what youre good at.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 11:38 pm

Having info in your purse, available, perhaps sub-consciencely the perfect way to relieve the burden. 1 hurdle done..

A Civil Open conversation about the issue/papers/friend. 2nd hurdle

Both having the same desire to respect eachother for a strong marriage - both wanting - really wanting to stay married to eachother. 3rd hurdle

3rd hurdle could be a tough one - please continue with your counseling & invite your husband - no secrets - no hold backs - this is where all is said & tears are shared.

If you make it thru the 3rd hurdle - the 4th is healing/forgiving eachother, and you nurture the Love for eachother.

Don't be so blasee about talking everything over, you haven't touch the surface ..

TRUST - this will be a huge issue in your marriage EVERY DAY...!!!

you don't trust your husband ? now & Visa Versa NOW...

For a YOUNG Couple - Well, I wish you all the best

Good Luck Mindindistress - keep us posted

Patsy

nok · Post by **nok** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 3:32 am

That's a very good sign that you and your husband have agreed to talk everything over. Communication is very important in a marriage because it is vital in really understanding each other. So you and your husband have decided to give it another go. I wish both of you good luck in your path to mending this relationship.

I hope that things will turn out well for both of you and your children as well.