How do you get over an affair?

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 3:55 am

This is my first ever post, so forgive me if I waffle on but I am so desperately hurt and confused.

I've been with my husband for 12 years and 4 weeks ago discovered that he slept with a girl he used to work with 2 years ago. I always had suspicions about this girl and for 2 years I have begged for the truth but he denied it constantly. I had a constant nagging doubt however for the full 2 years and when I got absolute concrete evidence 4 weeks ago and confronted him about it, he just lied and lied and lied and lied and liedÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ until he finally 'cracked' and confessed he's slept with this girl twice. I am utterly distraught. He is just not "the type" if that doesn't sound stupid. He is a very unobtrusive person, always polite and reserved, not outgoing, would never initiate a conversation with new friends etc - and always so dependable, loyal, loving and thoughtful so how the hell has this happened? I feel like I hate him for what he has done to me.

He no longer works at the same place and I know he is not in contact with this girl, but he texted her very heavily for an 18 month period - he now admits he was addicted to texting but how did he keep this from me so successfully for so long? I knew he was hiding his phone but he just kept giving me stupid, weak reasons for doing this and as I had a new-born son at the time, I thought I was paranoid or suffering from post-natal depression etc. However, I now feel so betrayed and just soÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ lost. I do not know what to do.

He is so remorseful and is desperate to make our marriage work, we've been to Relate but I just don't know how to begin dealing with this huge amount of hurt. My heart is literally broken. We have a 2 year old son who is the centre of my world but it kills me to think he must have been affected by the heavy atmosphere within our once-happy household. I am so unhappy.

I can't imagine ever trusting him again. He has today started a new job 30 miles away from home and for the first time ever has a PC and access to email. If he got sucked in so easily to the addiction of texting, surely he will be the same with email? I am so confused. I don't know whether to stay and try to make this relationship work or just cut my losses and build my future just me & my son. I am only 33 so know I can start again but who wants to be a single mum who works full time in this day and age?

I am so unhappy it's untrue. Has anyone out there been through something similar and if so, what did you do? What was the outcome? How do I ever trust him again?

Thanks for reading.

FGC

xx

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:09 am

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and sadness. I haven't been unlucky enough to be in your situation so I'm not an expert on how to advise you to get over this.

But its still very early days from you discovering his infidelity. Have you given yourself enough time to know you want to make a permanent decision on whether you want to stay with your husband? I know you're very sad now but maybe you still have other emotions you'll experience in time to come.

By you both going to Relate it sounds like he really wants to make a go of it and keep your family together.

You can't imagine trusting him now, but that will take a long time to rebuild.

I'd say hang on in there with the counselling, as I said before, its still very early days. Your husband is going to have to be very patient with you.

I truly hope your heart heals

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 6:19 am

hmmmm

infidelity, not an easy one, it brings up so many emotions which is hard to deal with for many reasons not least the fact that at a time when you need the one you love more than ever to help you cope with these new emotions youve probably never felt so distant from them or in many ways so alone

firstly like smithy87 said, give it some time, time to get it sorted in your head and work out what you really feel

i have to be honest and say my take on it is that normally is most circumstances - but not all - the infidelity normally happens because one person felt there was something missing in the relationship, or it wasnt what they wanted anymore (whether or not they conciously knew that) and to go back is taking a huge leap of faith - that the relationship will bloom into what both parties have always wanted and that the trust can be regained......

to be honest tho we can all here give you our opinion on it - and yes that helps you form your own - the only one who can really make a decision on this is you, you will know if you can continue to live with him and be married to him

theres always someone out there who will want you though, being a single mum and your age means nothing so you dont even need to consider that

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 6:33 am

I would have such a difficult time with this. I wish I had advice...but I just don't. I think I would be a total crazy woman in this situation. I would have to say counseling...and it sounds like you are doing that already (is that Relate? I don't know Relate). Anyway, anxiously awaiting additional replies. This is a tuffie. My heart hurt for you while reading.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 6:37 am

i also see from working out the ages you must have been about 21 when you got married.....

how old was he? were you childhood sweethearts?

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:40 pm

I am certain my solutions is something you may not want to hear

Ending the marriage.

I am sorry, to me infidelity is a crime.

If your man can not refuse temptation, is this going to happen again.

I speak from experience and I am glad I made the choice I did. And I was married for a long time and I do have children, and I did believe in married til death do us part.

Sounds harsh but I guess I do not agree with people commiting crimes.

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:41 pm

Minks...I'm feeling the same way...just wasn't quite ready to share it. I think that is something that I would never be able to get over.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:54 pm

really tough and probably unwelcome opinion, i would NEVER trust him again, i would be gone. no excuses. no rationale. it's hard no doubt. but i could never be with a man who abused my trust, ever. my man is my man. that's it. and i am his. trust gone, everything gone.

busybee · Post by **busybee** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 2:06 pm

Happened to me am afraid, yes it's a crime that happens all too often. Am not sure if it is more common today than when maybe our parents or granparents got married - but it does seem to happen an awful lot.

I was crushed, ended up on antidepressants and well, alone. I left. Asked my next door neighbour to drive me back home - from London to Edinburgh, with my 2 kids, my dog, and the clothes we had on our backs. :driving:

I will not pretend it is easy being a single mum, but it's more fulfilling than staying with a cheat and wondering if everytime he goes out the door, or picks up the phone if his intentions are as he says.

I work, i study, i have my family life, and i have my friends - and i am happy. Sometimes you have to accept a situation for what it is, know that it isn't going to get any better or go away - and well just move on, with the experience and knowledge.

Don't know if this is any help to you. I do believe in marriage, but it has to be an equal partnership. Take care and Good luck!

Busybee :-6

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 3:38 pm

I was always the type, like many here, that believed "Once a cheat, always a cheat." Having walked a mile in your shoes, I can tell you this may be the case most of the time, but not ALL of the time. There are no words to describe the pain and hurt you are feeling right now. Take your time. Think things through. Do what YOU think is right, not what everybody else tells you is right. If you need to talk, pm me. I wouldn't wish what you are going through on my worst enemy.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 3:09 am

Happened to me also.One son was 4, the other a new born. It truly is the absolute worst feeling there is. I was always known to say that I also wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Your relationship as you knew it is over. Most women

arent able to accept or adjust to the new arrangement. You will never trust him again. And sorry to say that I know from experience he more than likely will do it again. I abhor cheaters and I especially loathe women who get involved with married men. Sorry you have to go through this pain but unfortunately there is no shortcut to take you around the suffering part. If finances are your concern.. as they were mine 20 years ago.. take your time, make a plan and go when you are ready. Just console yourself with the knowledge that you are going. Your life can be great again.

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:41 am

Thank you so sincerely for all your replies, I have tried to read them all without crying! My husband is desperately sorry (of course he will be now he's been caught) but how do I believe his remorse is genuine? He is clearly scared to death of losing us now (he should have thought about that before he got it out of his trousers) but I don't know that he deserves for me to stay and try to make this relationship work. I keep asking myself "once a cheater, always a cheater?" and I honestly can't answer. I obviously don't trust him now but will that trust return in time?

I met him when I was just 22, love at first sight for us both, moved in with me within 6 weeks, engaged 6 months later, married 4 years later, a beautiful son 4 years after that. We were so happy, it was sickening, we had everything, we were each other's worlds, totally enveloped in each other - and this is why it defies belief what he has done. When my son was born (we waited 2 long agonising years and suffered 2 horrific miscarriages before we got him) I think we both thought life would be perfect and rosy but of course a new baby brings pressures, and we weren't prepared for sleepless nights and the pressure that causes. For the first time in our lives (10 years together) we started bickering and we couldn't see eye to eye. This is when he slept with the other girl. I am NOT excusing what he has done but I can understand how his head was turned as things were very poor and unhappy at home - no communication, no happiness, just bickering and arguing etc. On top of full time jobs, this was very difficult. The girl must have just been a breath of fresh air compared to me, the nagging wife at home (she was living with someone with whom she had a 5 year old daughter) and she also had problems in her relationship so her and my husband had a common thread - both unhappy at home and they were working closely togetherÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦. Oh I don't know! I am trying to understand this situation but it is killing me, I am trying sooooo hard not to walk away and regret it later. I am swinging from depression and being barely able to communicate with anyone, to raging anger inside when I could literally kill someone with my bare hands. The moods are very hard to deal with and impossible to predict. It's hard to be working full time under this pressure.

We are starting our regular Relate sessions as from Thursday so I hope they can offer support and guidance.

He swears blind he will never look at anyone else again but how the hell can I believe him? We've always had separate nights out (him with the lads and me with the girls) but he's not been out since all this **** happened and I don't know how I'll feel next time he says he'd like to go out. I'll never rest while he's out drinking, will I? What is the point of staying married to someone I cannot trust? Maybe Relate can help me deal with that but at the moment, it seems so hopeless.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for replying.

FGC.

xxxx

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:47 am

How did you find out about it?

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 7:04 am

lady cop wrote: really tough and probably unwelcome opinion, i would NEVER trust him again, i would be gone. no excuses. no rationale. it's hard no doubt. but i could never be with a man who abused my trust, ever. my man is my man. that's it. and i am his. trust gone, everything gone.

Unfortunately, I also side with LC. (Oh..and hey, it's good to have you back!)

I'm not being hypocritical either. I've never cheated on a girl, and I never will.(believe me there have been lots of chances.)

I believe a true man has one girl at a time. Sure I'm guilty of ending relationships that weren't working out, and beginning new ones. But that's not the same thing. One relationship at a time, no cheating...makes me a True Blue guy.

It's in the Code of the West...no cheating on girls, and no hitting them. Courtesy and respect, or you don't get to call yourself a man.

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 9:02 am

In some ways Relate may or may not help your situation, but there is only YOU who can trust him from the bottom of your heart.

I truly, truly hope you can sort this out either way and be happy.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 10:56 am

Wow gang, loads of similar stories here, I wonder how all of you are managing after your splits and dealings with infidelity?

I have to admit I am a success story. After 17 years of marriage and catching the jerk in a very tale telling phone conversation I sent him on his way and never vowed to look back. It hurt badly, deeply and took a year for me to get back on my feet. I leaned on friends (who gutted me in the end) and family whom I love deeply for the support and one very special man with a giant heart.

My children are teens, early and late teen ages.

I went from happily married and financially sound so much so I could be a stay at home mother after 15 years of working, to being left to raise my girls, prepare my home, sell my home and pack and move out all on my own as well as find employment.

Currently I am incredibly happy. I have no regrets, the children are doing quite well. My marriage would never have been the same if I had tried to let him convince me he would remain faithful. Looking back I see a great deal of other faults I was overlooking for the sake of my own warped comfort. I am happy he is moving on, he remarried this past weekend and this puts distance further between us. I have grown financially independant of him even though he owes me double digit thousands of dollars which I know I will get as I have the courts behind me.

Newbie I suggest you do some deep soul searching as to what you want, what you can do for you and your children, and how you perceive life alone and for how long being alone and what you mad do to change that and when.

It is tough and it can be lonely (I did loose all my friends in it all and I guess that is my regret) but it is also rewarding to lead your life as you choose and make it as good as you wish.

As for the rest of you in the same boat I hope you all have had success, it is what you make of it and it is a matter of "taking the bull by the horns" and getting yourself looked after by yourself. Crikey that was tough for me as I have always been "looked after" I didn't know I had it in me to go solo but I did.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:02 am

FGChatter wrote: Thank you so sincerely for all your replies, I have tried to read them all without crying! My husband is desperately sorry (of course he will be now he's been caught) but how do I believe his remorse is genuine? He is clearly scared to death of losing us now (he should have thought about that before he got it out of his trousers) but I don't know that he deserves for me to stay and try to make this relationship work. I keep asking myself "once a cheater, always a cheater?" and I honestly can't answer. I obviously don't trust him now but will that trust return in time?

I met him when I was just 22, love at first sight for us both, moved in with me within 6 weeks, engaged 6 months later, married 4 years later, a beautiful son 4 years after that. We were so happy, it was sickening, we had everything, we were each other's worlds, totally enveloped in each other - and this is why it defies belief what he has done. When my son was born (we waited 2 long agonising years and suffered 2 horrific miscarriages before we got him) I think we both thought life would be perfect and rosy but of course a new baby brings pressures, and we weren't prepared for sleepless nights and the pressure that causes. For the first time in our lives (10 years together) we started bickering and we couldn't see eye to eye. This is when he slept with the other girl. I am NOT excusing what he has done but I can understand how his head was turned as things were very poor and unhappy at home - no communication, no happiness, just bickering and arguing etc. On top of full time jobs, this was very difficult. The girl must have just been a breath of fresh air compared to me, the nagging wife at home (she was living with someone with whom she had a 5 year old daughter) and she also had problems in her relationship so her and my husband had a common thread - both unhappy at home and they were working closely togetherÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â¦. Oh I don't know! I am trying to understand this situation but it is killing me, I am trying sooooo hard not to walk away and regret it later. I am swinging from depression and being barely able to communicate with anyone, to raging anger inside when I could literally kill someone with my bare hands. The moods are very hard to deal with and impossible to predict. It's hard to be working full time under this pressure.

We are starting our regular Relate sessions as from Thursday so I hope they can offer support and guidance.

He swears blind he will never look at anyone else again but how the hell can I believe him? We've always had separate nights out (him with the lads and me with the girls) but he's not been out since all this **** happened and I don't know how I'll feel next time he says he'd like to go out. I'll never rest while he's out drinking, will I? What is the point of staying married to someone I cannot trust? Maybe Relate can help me deal with that but at the moment, it seems so hopeless.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for replying.

FGC.

xxxx

A breach of trust is a difficult thing, and your sounding very much like my past marriage, you both had pressures of work, family life and children/child and you both allowed for individual time apart, BUT no mention of just the 2 of you spending time together...did you have this in the past short while? You mention communication break downs, this is a deadly sign hun. It means trust may never be fully recovered. I dunno I hate to be the wet blanket but it sounds incredibly familiar. And some things can never be mended unless you just end it. There is always regrets, maybe make yourself a pros and cons list of the marriage being held together and go from there.

To me a breach of trust means you loose

a job

a friend

a life

a limb

heck even a spouse

anything is possible.

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:03 am

Wow! Good for you, Minks!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:06 am

hotsauce wrote: Wow! Good for you, Minks!

Thanks Hot, I have to share credit with my parents, bro and sis-in-law and the BF as well as my kids. All helped me believe in me and supported what I felt and allowed me to feel good about my decisions.

Still amazes me at times.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:03 pm

minks wrote:

I have to admit I am a success story. After 17 years of marriage and catching the jerk in a very tale telling phone conversation I sent him on his way and never vowed to look back.

Yay for Minksy! This is, by far, your most revealing post ever!

I leaned on one very special man with a giant heart.

See? Men aren't all bad!!

I went from happily married and financially sound so much so I could be a stay at home mother after 15 years of working, to being left to raise my girls, prepare my home, sell my home and pack and move out all on my own as well as find employment.

Times is hard! Times is hard!!!

Currently I am incredibly happy.

Yay for Minks! Change is change for the better, even though we all hate it.

I have no regrets, the children are doing quite well. My marriage would never have been the same if I had tried to let him convince me he would remain faithful. Looking back I see a great deal of other faults I was overlooking for the sake of my own warped comfort.

Awwww..don't be so hard on yourself! It's co-dependency.

I am happy he is moving on, he remarried this past weekend and this puts distance further between us. I have grown financially independant of him even though he owes me double digit thousands of dollars which I know I will get as I have the courts behind me.

Ummm....don't hold your breath on that one. My wife's ex owes us $260,000, and has for the last 11 years. He'll never pay and our best efforts to get himto pay have failed.

It is tough and it can be lonely

Lonliness is survivable. I lived alone for 8 years after my first break-up.

it is a matter of getting yourself looked after by yourself. Crikey that was tough for me as I have always been "looked after" I didn't know I had it in me to go solo but I did.

Great tip, remember you're much, much stronger than you think you are. Or in the words of my esteemed wife, "God never gives us more than we can handle."

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:52 pm

Jives wrote: Yay for Minksy! This is, by far, your most revealing post ever!

See? Men aren't all bad!!

Times is hard! Times is hard!!!

Yay for Minks! Change is change for the better, even though we all hate it.

Awwww..don't be so hard on yourself! It's co-dependency.

Ummm....don't hold your breath on that one. My wife's ex owes us $260,000, and has for the last 11 years. He'll never pay and our best efforts to get himto pay have failed.

Lonliness is survivable. I lived alone for 8 years after my first break-up.

Great tip, remember you're much, much stronger than you think you are. Or in the words of my esteemed wife, "God never gives us more than we can handle."

Thanks Jives, revealing huh, you had me check to see if my zip was done up there.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:00 pm

minks wrote: Thanks Jives, revealing huh, you had me check to see if my zip was done up there. :-4

Absolutely! My mom used to say "XYZ!" Which meant : X-amine Your Zipper!

I have a ton of respect for you, Minks! to maintain such a wonderful, outgoing personality after taking such a beating in life is truly amazing!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:20 pm

Jives wrote: Absolutely! My mom used to say "XYZ!" Which meant : X-amine Your Zipper!

I have a ton of respect for you, Minks! to maintain such a wonderful, outgoing personality after taking such a beating in life is truly amazing!

Thanks Jives, something that got me through many a time was the little saying

"there is always someone worse off than myself"

Not to sound corny but I always looked at my best friend and saw things in her I both envied and felt sorry about and realized we all have greatness and troublesome things in our lives and we just gotta jump in and deal with it all.

Crikey without my sense of hah hah and hers we both may have cratered.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:32 pm

Therapy can work for a small percentage of people. Some say infidelity survived can actually make a relationship stronger. I hope it works for you.. as I always hate to hear of families breaking up. Unfortunately cheating is an indicator of a deeper character flaw. It is usually indicitive of a person who runs when the going gets tough. And as we all know the going gets tough quite often in life. Sometimes a seperation can help as the discovery of a spouses infidelity usually does quite a number on the other partys self esteem ( thats putting it mildly.) Actually it is a very disqusting thing to do, and in these days can potentially mean a death sentence for the spouse at home. So there is a lot of soul searching and weighing of facts to be done. Good luck to you. I hope you have loving friends and family to help you through.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:48 pm

I have been in your same situation. The only difference was I wasn't married. We lived together and I'd been with him for 5 years, so not a huge difference.

I ended the relationship. Infidelity is a crime to the marriage, and the old saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is too damn true. You will get over the hurt, but you may never trust him again, and without trust, there is nothing.

For some, they can work past it, get over it, find a middle ground. Maybe you are one of those people, I don't know. I couldn't. If a man doesn't have the self control to keep it in his pants, he's not worth it. Just my opinion, and I wish you and your son all the luck in the world. You have a tough road ahead. I'm sorry for your pain.

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:20 am

I found out because my husband is currently taking the ex-employer to an employment tribunal and some documents came through the post one morning when my husband was at work which I opened and, within the documents, were copies of telephone bills detailing the thousands of texts and calls he'd placed to this girl. He had admitted previously that he texted her "quite a lot" as they were "good friends" but I could see from the telephone records that he had texted her up to 50 times a day, rang her behind my back during days out with me & our son etc etc so my instincts screamed that this was NOT an innocent friendship.

I had asked people that he had worked with previously if they knew of anything that had gone on (I'd had my suspicions for 2 yrs) and they all protected him but finally, someone confessed and said they KNEW he'd slept with her - it took a lot of persuading and begging them before they finally told me. All I felt was relief because for 2 years, I'd felt paranoid and thought I was losing my mind then suddenly someone confirmed it for me. Of course, he denied it when I presented him with the facts but he cracked after about 30 mins of me saying "I know when you did it, where you did it (he got me to book, and pay for, the bloody hotel!!!)" etc etc so although he was faced with concrete evidence, he still tried wriggling out of it.

The worst thing is, last July he got "friendly" with another girl at work and went and bought a 'pay as you go' phone behind my back so he could text this other girl in secret. He says he never slept with her. I rang her (without him knowing) and she said they were just friends and nothing ever happened but I don't know if I believe him.

When he slept with the first girl in April 2003, we were having problems within our marriage but last July, we were fine so it really eats me up to think he went behind my back to get this phone and keep in touch with this girl. He met her a couple of times for lunch but they both maintain they were just friends. Who knows? I can't prove anything can I?

Unless someone out there knows someone who works at Orange who can print off a copy of the texts to this girl, I'll never know.

I couldn't be that lucky, could I?????? If anyone can help in this regard, please, please, please, please let me know. I know the account no, mobile no, pin no etc etc.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted. We've got our Relate appointment tomorrow night so I'll let you know whether I kill him or not.

FGC

xxx

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:25 am

short and sweet...get the hell out. PM me if you like. i care. but this is a done deal.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:40 am

lady cop wrote: short and sweet...get the hell out. PM me if you like. i care. but this is a done deal.

And I will stand behind LC with a back up plan to chop him down at the knees hun.

There is nothing I mean nothing more low than your man sneaking about with another woman. And as for the phone and text things, been there done that and when you get proof confirmed it burns like mad. And continued suspicion is going to kill you. Act and act now.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:42 am

PS a point to ponder

when you cheat at work your fired

when you cheat in sports, your off the team

sooooo why do we even consider allowing a cheater in marriage to stay in a marriage.

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:44 am

It's not that easy nor that black and white to close the door on 12 years of your life.

I will at least give Relate a chance. As someone else has posted, sometimes these things make you stronger. God knows how, but I'm willing to try at least. I have to exhause all avenues before I decide to end this. I have to be 100% sure I'm making the right decision before I affect my son's life forever.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:45 am

Hello? (knock knock) is anyone home in there, Chatter? Look how messed up and complicated your "marriage" is right now. Deception, lies, intrigue.....you even just asked a worldwide group of people to help you to spy on your husband.

This relationship is in a death-spiral and the controls aren't responding. You are actually beginning to be affected more than you know. You sound paranoid and distressed. Life's too short for that, Miss.

It's time to cut your losses, detach from the relationship, eject before the crash and smoking crater.

You need to get your life back. Think about it, when you were a little girl and you imagined your life....was it anything like this? No.

So do something about it. Tell him that the one pillar that cannot be compromised in a marriage, trust, is gone. And that it would be better for both of you if you both went your own ways now.

Do it. Do it now.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:49 am

GO JIVES! you are a lot less blunt than me. nicer. sweeter. but it all remains the same. cut your losses and bail.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:55 am

i am going to be really mean here. you are using your son as an excuse to stay with the cheating bastard. you can be mad at me, but i know what i am talking about. in fact, use me, rail at me for being so cold...but he is a cheat and all the stupid therapy in the world only helps promote his sad story. he can't be trusted. end of story. yes it is hard for you. 12 years. how about all the years you have left??

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:03 am

Holy hannah did this heat up oooo eeeee

Girl you have to understand something 12 years of marriage may have been grand, and your son was a lovely reward. And your going to try councelling but if your man does it again how are you going to feel, your going to feel like a dirty used floor mat. Now I am not saying it is going to be that way ok. But I think if your man got that wrapped up in another woman whilst married, he has it in his head that it will be easy to do again, and he will be more careful to cover his tracks. Go try councelling and try and work things out if it is truly what is in your heart to do. As for the length of your marriage and your child, that is a load of beans. I came out of 17 years of marriage and have 2 daughters. Messed up, hell ya if I had let it mess up, believe me when I confronted my ex with his "I love you" phone conversation I was raving mad, and my oldest heard it all. You don't think that could have screwed her up. She went for councelling, she faught with me, she faught with him etc. But I assure you, she now has settled down, and has become a very well rounded individual. She has a few issues on her plate she still falls back on, but I don't let her get to deep into her own misery and we help each other out. She is smart and has quite literally put her father where he belongs in her life.

Life is meant to be what you make it, and if your going to be happy being suspicious, and spying and in and out of councelling then that is what you can expect out of life. If your truly pissed at the way your marriage has gone then get out and get you and your son a new lease on life. It ain't easy but by god it feels good.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:08 am

PS FCC

Dont thinkwe here are a bunch of cold hearted jerks, we are merely speaking from experience.

And if you come back to us and say your marriage is a charm we will be here to pat your back, if you come back and say we were all right we will hold your hand ok.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:18 am

hey FG tis me again

right ok, ive been in a similar (ish) situation

my first relationship began when i was 16 with a guy who was 24, it lasted about 5 years, many of the reasons i used to not break up with him sound quite similar to what you are saying, i would get very defensive with everyone and say they just didnt get the relationship and i didnt wannt to bail, but the truth was i was quite simply and plainly scared

i knew the relationship was over for many reasons but i was so scared of being on my own i came up with all the 'give it one more go' 'i cant give up on all these years' 'if i leave him hell be left at home with his nagging mum!' but all the excuses i came up with were nothing to do with me anymore, my heart was out of the relationship and any responsibilty i had towards it was gone

it was different to your story because he didnt cheat on me but its just your last few posts have sounded so similar to me that i question whether you really want to keep trying or if its more that you are scared not to??

as for the texts bits and finding out what he put, if he finds out youve asked a worldwide forum then he wont trust you either (not justifying any of his actions or comparing you and him in any way) but if you are doubting him and he then doubts his trust in you its doomed for disaster

thing is, i wasnt ready for about a year to accept the truth that it was over and i was scared to move on, id been fighting it in my head for about 2/3 years before that and ive never been so miserable to quite an alarming scale. until you are able to admit your true feelings im afraid you wont be able to move on, whether thats to stay in the relationship or not.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:25 am

very well put Pink

esrun · Post by **esrun** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 8:19 pm

I wish I could give you advise actuly I wish you didn't need advise. I have just recently found out my husband was having an affair. He has stopped seeing her and is trying to make our marriage work. I love him with all my heart but I an devasted over this. We will be married 18 years in October. He has been my best friend for 19 years and I can't imagine my life without him. I am trying to make it work too but he will not tell me who she is or how it started or why or why it continued. I hope maybe someone can give me some insite on this.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 2:34 am

if he wont explain the reasonings behind it then tbh i think id be a little worried.... he cant justify it but after 19yrs of being best friends he should be able to explain to you the reasons behind it so you can know whether you want to continue, how can you make any kind of informed decision about this without having all the facts??

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 6:56 am

esrun wrote: I wish I could give you advise actuly I wish you didn't need advise. I have just recently found out my husband was having an affair. He has stopped seeing her and is trying to make our marriage work. I love him with all my heart but I an devasted over this. We will be married 18 years in October. He has been my best friend for 19 years and I can't imagine my life without him. I am trying to make it work too but he will not tell me who she is or how it started or why or why it continued. I hope maybe someone can give me some insite on this.
It happened to me when my children were 4 and 2 months old. I have often said I wouldnt wish that pain on my worst enemy. We went for counseling, but things were never the same. I knew someday Id leave him. I did when the boys were 5 and 9. Years later, looking back and examining things I was oblivious to.. I realized that that affair was not the only one. They say that a small percentage of marriages can survive infidelity and actually become better afterward. For me I feel it has to do with the amount of pride one has... what they can live with in terms of having been disrespected in this way. I also was someone who was extremely aware of the risk factor involved. How an entire family can be destroyed by the possibility of disease etc... Hes got some nerve not telling you who he was with. You need that information to help you make a decision regarding staying or not. I f hes not willing to tell you..... he still is stradling the fence in regard to his loyalty to you. Sorry my advice isnt all upbeat and rosy... But infidelity is high on my list of revolting human behavior. It reduces humans to the level of animals.. Noone deserves it and women shouldnt tolerate it.As for females who get involved with married men..... They should be publically flogged.

They harbour utter disrespect for their own species, and are trilled by the prospect of having something that belongs to someone else. It simply feeds their sagging self esteems. Savages basically. He should have her. She will cheat on him also. Then he can feel the pain

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:19 pm

Someone asked for an explanation of why some men do this. Simple and very hurtful answer. Cakemen. Period. (and I'm sorry to be so hurtful)

FGChatter, it doesn't matter what your H says now. It doesn't matter why he did what he did - and I know your heart is burning to find answers, but honey, what answer could ever be good enough?

It's all about you and your son. Your son deserves a mom who is happy, holds her self-respect, and is lovingly devoted to him. Doesn't sound like staying with your H is gonna produce that kind of environment for your boy. Just my opinion.

But, bottom line, let's look at the things he has done to you ~

Cheated. Lied about it. Kept lying about it even when you felt you were losing your sanity (ok, this is HUGE in my eyes). Attempted it a second time last year. And now repents.

Convenient. And possibly quite sincere as well. But his sincerity, his reasons/excuses, and his willingness to go to therapy now doesn't erase the choices he made. He is not your friend, because friends don't mind f*** each other (and no, I'm not angry...the label fits better than any other label I know of).

And, if you ask me, he did this to both you and your son. You seem to be the only one concerned with how things will affect your son, which I completely admire you for.

It's about you, how you feel, what you deserve, and what you want your life to be. Raising your son in a suspicious environment is NOT the best you can do for the two of you. It's just not. Being a single mom is really hard and it's lonely at times as well. But so is the life you currently have. The good news is that you can take as much time as you need to decide. Please give yourself that time to heal, think, and decide what you want.

Many warm hugs.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:56 pm

A Karenina,

What a beautiful job you did laying out the fact, and the painful truth of this awful situtation..

FGChatter, Read A Karenina post over and over again, there is so much in her words that you can use, you can regain your strength, and your will be on the road to dealing with this..

DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, ALWAYS STRIVE FOR MORE, YOUR DESERVE NOTHING LESS. :-4

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 10:24 pm

Yes - I too have taken the road down the single path...I had 3 small daughters and went home to be with my dad when he got sick...When I came back the neighbor's daughter)16 year old) informed me her mother had stayed over night at our house...My heart broke - she was thin and blonde and everything I wasn't...BUT I knew that I was not going to raise my kids in a broken home... So worked it out - I TRIED to forgive...Which I NEVER really did - & refused to have sex with him..(My little get even)...My heart began to heal and 4 months later and a pitcher of Margaritas - we made love....Alas~ my 4th child...the SON he always wanted...I knew for sure that he would never be unfaithful - and now our family was complete...He started behaving strangley again - drinking and going to the bar - which was odd for us...Enough said - I was diagnosed - with cancer, and my BEST friend - came to see me after my surgery and informed me she and him had been having an affair for 6 months- before my son was BORN!!! - and that I needed to let him go.....Oh boy did I let him go too......I learned a hard hard lesson that I certainly hope many people never go through - I did relaize that I am strong- I am not alone- and I am a GREAT SUPER MOM - and we were going to make it - no matter what! We actually had to live in the low income apartments until I made enough for a house - and then got out of there...but my kids have seen many things in their short lives..from a drunk father - to an abusive assult by him, and a mother that was so sick she couldn't even get off the bathroom floor to make supper....BUT I will tell you what- My kids are STRONG..and I will NEVER let a day go by knowing that I made the RIGHT choice by leaving...hang in there girl..but becareful with your heart...you can give it to anyone - but your heart really belongs to your son....and he will love you no matter what - single mum or a married one...just don't be a sad mum! SUPER BIG HUGS!! -You will always have an ear here at the garden....so vent when ever u need too..... :-6

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:51 am

MOMINIOWA>>>>YOUR BEST FRIEND??? WHILE YOU WERE UNDERGOING CANCER TREATMENTS??? do you want me to come out there and beat the snot out of her? that just made me sick to read. expecially knowing what a good person you are. i am steaming!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrr~~~~~~~~honey you will be rewarded one day. xoxoxoxox (and so will they) :yh_yinyan

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 10:33 am

MOMINIOWA, This just makes me flippin mad..

Your strong and amazing.. and so much better off without him..!!

He started behaving strangley again - drinking and going to the bar - which was odd for us...Enough said - I was diagnosed - with cancer, and my BEST friend - came to see me after my surgery and informed me she and him had been having an affair for 6 months- before my son was BORN!!! - and that I needed to let him go.....Oh boy did I let him go too......

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:27 pm

mominiowa wrote: Yes - I too have taken the road down the single path...I had 3 small daughters and went home to be with my dad when he got sick...When I came back the neighbor's daughter)16 year old) informed me her mother had stayed over night at our house...My heart broke - she was thin and blonde and everything I wasn't...BUT I knew that I was not going to raise my kids in a broken home... So worked it out - I TRIED to forgive...Which I NEVER really did - & refused to have sex with him..(My little get even)...My heart began to heal and 4 months later and a pitcher of Margaritas - we made love....Alas~ my 4th child...the SON he always wanted...I knew for sure that he would never be unfaithful - and now our family was complete...He started behaving strangley again - drinking and going to the bar - which was odd for us...Enough said - I was diagnosed - with cancer, and my BEST friend - came to see me after my surgery and informed me she and him had been having an affair for 6 months- before my son was BORN!!! - and that I needed to let him go.....Oh boy did I let him go too......I learned a hard hard lesson that I certainly hope many people never go through - I did relaize that I am strong- I am not alone- and I am a GREAT SUPER MOM - and we were going to make it - no matter what! We actually had to live in the low income apartments until I made enough for a house - and then got out of there...but my kids have seen many things in their short lives..from a drunk father - to an abusive assult by him, and a mother that was so sick she couldn't even get off the bathroom floor to make supper....BUT I will tell you what- My kids are STRONG..and I will NEVER let a day go by knowing that I made the RIGHT choice by leaving...hang in there girl..but becareful with your heart...you can give it to anyone - but your heart really belongs to your son....and he will love you no matter what - single mum or a married one...just don't be a sad mum! SUPER BIG HUGS!! -You will always have an ear here at the garden....so vent when ever u need too..... :-6

I always thought my oncologist was lieing to me when she said a lot of partners leave when you get cancer. My ex left me during chemo - he started sleeping on the couch after my surgery - the bastardo. Count your blessings - he certainly does not deserve you. &&#^$*&^@#$(@*#&@(*#&#&^$%$%#$*&@#^@ is how I feel about weak hearted and weak minded spouses. When the going gets tough the shite falls to the bottom.

mtaveras · Post by **mtaveras** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 6:59 am

To all those women who were cheated on, i know what your going through. I found out my husband was having an affair because my parents told me. They knew for years that he had this affair and never told me about it. I am so devastated about it. I can't tell you how sick i am over this. He is in therapy and he has changed alot and wants this marriage to work, but i just can't forget about it. I don't know how to forgive him. I was blaming myself in the beginning, but the therapist made me realize that he was the one with the problem. I just can't believe that someone who said he loves me would disrespect me like that. Have no regards for my feelings. I never thought that i would be in this situation at this stage in my life, but hopefully i will become a stronger person and be able to forgive him in time.

Mt.