A little friend trouble

[Pinky]

I thought I'd come and share this in here, as it's always good to get things off your chest a little before you actually say what you're going to say in real life, plus you guys are great on the old advice front.

Basically, my best friend of the last eight years has in recent months, begun to get a tad sarky and snotty about things that a year or so ago, I know she wouldn't have. When I first noticed it, I tried asking if I'd done something to annoy her and she said no, everything was fine; at the same time, I couldn't help noticing that she was picking holes in anything and everything I said. I brushed it off, asked again if something was wrong, and then it all came to a head a few days ago when something I said was taken totally the wrong way. I made a flippant comment, she thought it was aimed at her and she had a total freak out on me. Something of a Pinky temper fit in fact..:rolleyes:

Now, I'm certainly not averse to being told what's what if I know I've messed up and I'll always apologise and try and make amends if I know I've upset someone, which is what I did, because we've been through a fair bit together and I think a lot of her. It's how she responded that I didn't expect!

For this to make sense, I'll fill you in on a bit of history as fast as I can. When we met, she'd never had to work, had the huge house, the decent car and free reign on as much plastic as you like, while I was skint, working my butt off and was lucky if my old banger made it work one week in a row. I never minded that and was always happy for everything good that happened to her, as none of it ever affected who she was and to cut a long story short, we were really close. So close in fact that when she left her hubby for her first love, she stayed with me for a while until they could find a house. When she left that one for a bloke she'd met once on the internet, I went to London to go collect him with her, helped move her into the flat she's in now and generally been there no matter what, like she always had for me.

However, the roles seem to have been reversed, and that's what seems to be causing the probs. Now I'm the one who doesn't have to work my butt off, (although I still am because I went back to uni to do history and archaeology) and fir the first time in my life can run a nice car and even buy really nice furniture! (Sorry, it's a total novelty, lol!) From what she said, it seems to be a real issue...I don't know if she's starting to resent my life turning out quite nicely while she's working weird shift hours and ended up with a guy who, while he's lovely, does sod all to help out, hasn't worked for years and is glued to his PC most of the time. I know that has to be tough, after all, I've been there, but I never once took that out on her.

I dunno, I've tried making it right with her, but I'm getting to the point now where if I get one more pointless bit of sarcasm, then that'll be that and I just won't make the effort anymore. It's a shame, but I don't see what else I can do. Any ideas?

[G#Gill]

If you are really a friend, a true friend (warts and all), you will be there for her. It sounds as if things are not working out for her as perhaps she may have thought. This could be causing her awful frustration and knocking her confidence.

Treat her as if she was your sister. Would you abandon your sister?

Somehow, get her to sit down, just the two of you, and talk. Try to get her to open up and tell you what is really going on in her head. What is happening to her. Tell her you are there for her, to share her problem by being a good listener. You may be able to offer advice, if she will take it of course. Just tell her you can't help if you don't know what is really wrong, and you would like to try to help her as she seems so miserable at this time.

Maybe the new partner is driving her barmy with his lack of co-operation, lack of interest in getting work etc.

'You always hurt the one you love' says the song, and it is so true - she is using you to vent her frustrations, by the way she is being sarcastic and picking fault etc. She feels she must take her anger and frustration out on somebody, and that somebody is somebody who is close to her - you. This is a compliment in some ways, because she feels that you are such a close friend, that she feels a certain comfort in being able to 'sound off' in your company and at you.

Don't do anything yet, to split your close friendship, try to get her to confide in you by going to a quiet place, maybe even your own house and just chat about stuff over a cup of coffee. You may have to persevere with this till she agrees to talk, but I think that once she does start talking, then you may find you can help her somehow. Only you will know how to do that, depending on what the problem is.

Maybe you have done all this already and she is still being off-hand and sarcy with you. If that is the case, and you have really tried to help her with no result, then maybe you will have to look out for yourself. It looks as if she regrets leaving her original comfortable life-style and envies you greatly, and jealousy can become very deep-seated and difficult to overcome. In which case, I think you will have to tell her how you feel about her present attitude towards you, and how it is making you miserable that she is damaging a special friendship.

It may be an idea to have the pair of them sit down with you and have a really deep discussion about everything. You never know, that could help. But be prepared for it to be a no no, either by her or by him. In which case the only other thing I can think of is to get them both to go to 'Relate' (Marriage Guidance) or whatever it may be called where you are.

I wish you luck, Pinky, and I do hope something can be worked out to help your friend. Keep us posted please, when you know anything. :-6

[CARLA]

It does sound like she is a bit envious of you for some reason. My guess is she isn't very happy in her present situation and probably doesn't know what to do about it. Give her some space if your friendship is strong she will come back and maybe ask you for advice when she is able to talk about it. You seem to be the stronger person in your relationship with her and that may bother her as well as you always land on your feet and move forward for some that isn't such an easy task. Good Luck..

[Odie]

Pinky;1278895 wrote: I thought I'd come and share this in here, as it's always good to get things off your chest a little before you actually say what you're going to say in real life, plus you guys are great on the old advice front.

Basically, my best friend of the last eight years has in recent months, begun to get a tad sarky and snotty about things that a year or so ago, I know she wouldn't have. When I first noticed it, I tried asking if I'd done something to annoy her and she said no, everything was fine; at the same time, I couldn't help noticing that she was picking holes in anything and everything I said. I brushed it off, asked again if something was wrong, and then it all came to a head a few days ago when something I said was taken totally the wrong way. I made a flippant comment, she thought it was aimed at her and she had a total freak out on me. Something of a Pinky temper fit in fact..:rolleyes:

Now, I'm certainly not averse to being told what's what if I know I've messed up and I'll always apologise and try and make amends if I know I've upset someone, which is what I did, because we've been through a fair bit together and I think a lot of her. It's how she responded that I didn't expect!

For this to make sense, I'll fill you in on a bit of history as fast as I can. When we met, she'd never had to work, had the huge house, the decent car and free reign on as much plastic as you like, while I was skint, working my butt off and was lucky if my old banger made it work one week in a row. I never minded that and was always happy for everything good that happened to her, as none of it ever affected who she was and to cut a long story short, we were really close. So close in fact that when she left her hubby for her first love, she stayed with me for a while until they could find a house. When she left that one for a bloke she'd met once on the internet, I went to London to go collect him with her, helped move her into the flat she's in now and generally been there no matter what, like she always had for me.

However, the roles seem to have been reversed, and that's what seems to be causing the probs. Now I'm the one who doesn't have to work my butt off, (although I still am because I went back to uni to do history and archaeology) and fir the first time in my life can run a nice car and even buy really nice furniture! (Sorry, it's a total novelty, lol!) From what she said, it seems to be a real issue...I don't know if she's starting to resent my life turning out quite nicely while she's working weird shift hours and ended up with a guy who, while he's lovely, does sod all to help out, hasn't worked for years and is glued to his PC most of the time. I know that has to be tough, after all, I've been there, but I never once took that out on her.

I dunno, I've tried making it right with her, but I'm getting to the point now where if I get one more pointless bit of sarcasm, then that'll be that and I just won't make the effort anymore. It's a shame, but I don't see what else I can do. Any ideas?




it sounds to me like its jealousy/envy.





-who knows what influence that bloke has on her?

-her life has had quite a few dramatic changes and not for the good.



It's telling me she is very unhappy with her new life.



I couldn't handle a man who doesn't work and who seems to be self-centered, plus all of a sudden she has no money anymore and has to work while he sits at home.



I'm shocked she cannot see or feel these changes. She is not as happy as she once was, who would be?

Perhaps step back for awhile and not see her.



Maybe then, she will listen to some advice from you.

[Patsy Warnick]

I instantly thought Jealousy.

you know the signs - and you've been friends for yrs. - work it out..!!!

Patsy

[Imladris]

Probably deep down she's quite enjoyed having the life and luxuries that you didn't, she probably didn't even realise that being better off materially made her feel secure and 'better' than you in some way. (I'm not slagging her off - she won't acknowledge these feelings, they'll just happen)



It's hard for her to see your life working out while her life becomes harder, all of her own making.



It's a sad truth that not all friendships endure, some have a natural lifespan and that may be the case here.



Keep trying with her but be prepared that she may not appreciate it.



Good luck!

(Glad to hear things going well with you though! :-4)

[spot]

I doubt very much whether it's anything at all to do with you Pinky, she's lashing out at the first person to hand who won't (so far) just walk off and never come back. Perhaps she's ill, she certainly sounds worried, if you can persuade her to get whatever it is out into the open and off her chest the two of you will at least be on the same playing field again. I'd be very surprised if it's anything to do with who has the most possessions.

[nok]

I think you need to have a very open discussion with each other, in which both of you talk very straightforwardly with each other about this matter that has been bugging you about her sarcasm and annoying remarks towards you. Ask her straightforwardly why she's treating you like this- is it because of her unhappy life and she's using you as an emotional punching bag or is it just something you said or did to her that she took the wrong way ? Try to settle the matter peacefully with each other and see if you can both come up with some compromises that will make both of you feel better.

Since you have been friends with her a long time now, try to give her a bit more time before you give up on her. Maybe she really needs a friend right now. However, if you have done everything you can think of to keep this friendship going, it might be a good idea to step back and see what happens- will she approach you in a friendly manner, will she apologize for treating you unkindly or will she just ignore you ? - see what happens. If she cares about you and your friendship with her, she will try to make amends or try to remain friends with you.

Good luck to you and I hope things work out between you and your friend.

[Clodhopper]

Her life's going to hell, by the sound of it. And at exactly the same time, yours is getting better and better.

This can be very difficult for people to handle. It's quite possible that she took something you said in complete good faith entirely the wrong way and thought you were slagging her off.

Or that something you said inadvertently referred to something in her life she is very unhappy about.

nb that her current boyfriend who (from what you said) is on the dole and is always on the pc is not a really nice guy. He's a parasite.

[kazalala]

HI PInky:-6 I think you already have a lot of sound advice here, so i wont add , i juts wanted to say its nice to see you aorund again, and im glad to hear things are going well for you:-6:-6 I hope you get things sorted with your friend:-4

[mikeinie]

My first gut instinct response is that it is most likely that over the years, you have been a better friend to her that she ever has been to you.

She sounds like she uses people up and moves on, it just so happens that you have always been there for her so you were never used up.

Maybe you are just nowing seeing her for what she really is.

[Helen]

perhaps you could write a quick letter to her, explaining your thoughts and tell her that you would like to arrange a meeting to get to the bottom of this, when shes had time to think about it, she might realize what shes done.

if she dosnt respond, i guess you know where you stand.

[Jazzy]

I would leave her alone right now and believe in this saying:

"Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" (the time spent apart makes you care for a person even more)

When she is ready (if she ever will be) she will miss you and contact you. You, IMHO, have done everything you can right now. If she doesn't contact you then you know the friendship isn't worth continuing.

[flopstock]

I'm seldom on the same page emotionally and financially with the folks I consider friends. Someone always has a greater need at any given moment.



My guess is that whatever you said, it hit a nerve. And while you may not have intended it be directed at her, she may have been having similar, yet unvoiced thoughts about herself and made the leap that you saw things the same way.



It's a lot easier to 'not have had' and then 'to have', then the opposite, IMO. One gives you a sense of confidence and self worth, the other makes you feel a piece of crap loser. My guess is that one would tend to cut themselves off from those they care about least they see what a loser they have allowed themselves to become. It can be very hard to go from being the one doing for others, to trying to get by yourself - I would imagine. And it's a lot harder to forgive yourself for those failures then it is to snark at that friend appearing to make all the right moves.



This jealousy and envy is new to her too, remember. She has to learn to cope and accept changed circumstances.



Give her some time, if possible.