Social Skills

[Nomad]

Id like to be more social. There are problems however.

Existing problems consist of anxiety in social situations (not always but frequent enough)

Mundane conversation bores me to tears. If the conversation is meaningful Im all in it, but once it turns routine, shopping, work stories, bla bla I cant get out of there fast enough.

My eyes glaze over and my mind disappears. Its a real struggle focusing.

I rarely bore others with my little events.

Im not exactly companion material.

When I do make meaningful connections and I do often I love that feeling. Id like to experience more of that but I cant help not enjoying chit chat and Im just not good at it.

So I recognize that I need people and I think I have something valuable to offer some people but Im not a very casual friend. I guess Im more intense in person than most people I meet.

My social skills suck. Ive found a way to stay connected by being a gopher. Ill pop my head in let out a blurb get a laugh or two then I disappear but I want more. I want to fulfill others, be fulfilled myself and have a closeness with people I now feel unable to.

It feels very complicated to me.

Id enjoy some honest advice.

Thank you,

Nomad

[chonsigirl]

You need to go places where the conversation will be one that interests you. Attend a nice lecture down at the art museum. There will be people talking afterwards, going out for cup of coffee to discuss the lecture and other things.

http://www.artsmia.org/index.php?section_id=41

[Nomad]

Ok. That makes sense.

[Odie]

its not complicated, as I have anxiety in social situations as well.

my anxiety meds are useless.

I'm at my best in the am, when I feel stronger, at night time, forget it.

when you get that way, take long deep breaths until your heart rate comes down.

exercise as much as you can, that relieves stress.

try and get enough sleep every night......if you can't sleep, then read.

I don't know how else I can help you, as I have had this for years now and I am the same way, incoherent at best and eyes are blurry, some are panic attacks.

[Clodhopper]

This is now the third time I've tried to reply to this. Everything I try to say seems to come out wrong.

But I recognise some of this. So I'll just say: Sympathy. Good luck.

[Nomad]

Its very frustrating being inept at something I desire to be good at, considering interacting with people is pretty much at the core of being.

[hoppy]

Learn to like what you have. I'm a loner. Don't like crowds or strangers. Useta party with guys I work with, in bars after work. That was fun then. After my divorce my relationship with each woman was very short lived. Coupla dates and I didn't want to see 'em again. I learned to like it that way. Enjoy your solitude. It's a gift.

[CARLA]

Just be yourself Nomie don't worry about it, it will be what it will be. I find interacting with people over rated most of the time. :wah: I'm much like you I have learned at my age it is what it is. I have accepted that I really don't want to be around people most of the time and live with it. I constantly get invited places and turn them down because I truly don't want to make idle chit chat in a places I don't want to be. :p

Lot of people have great social skills and lack other skills it's a balance you learn about yourself as you age.

[Clodhopper]

interacting with people is pretty much at the core of being.


It's certainly important, but at the core of being? The core of being it seems to me is existence itself. Interaction with people comes after that and possibly is not as important as interaction with the rest of existence in general.

Also, you may consider yourself inept at this, but perhaps you are looking at it too narrowly. You are a much valued and appreciated contributor to ths forum. Your ability to look at things from a different angle has brightened many a day and is a true gift. We are people and you are interacting with us. Very successfully imo.

Ok, if in your day to day life your standard social greeting is to drop your pants and wave your merkin at people, I'll grant you have a problem. But is it really that bad?

[Nomad]

Thank you for the replies.

I suspect part of the problem is scattered baggage I keep hanging onto and a fear of being exposed as the monster Ive often thought myself to be. I do understand thats not true in my mind but the conditioned patterns are a bitch to let go of.

[CARLA]

We all have baggage Nomie just keep your sense of humor intact and your will be just fine. :-6

[Clodhopper]

We all have baggage...


Nah. Divorced mine. Now I'm perfect.:yh_hypno

[Nomad]

In truth Im a very serious person. Too serious.

[Nomad]

I suppose Carla is right. The best I can do is to be the best myself I can be. Ill keep telling myself that.

[flopstock]

Nomad;1318754 wrote: Id like to be more social. There are problems however.

Existing problems consist of anxiety in social situations (not always but frequent enough)

Mundane conversation bores me to tears. If the conversation is meaningful Im all in it, but once it turns routine, shopping, work stories, bla bla I cant get out of there fast enough.

My eyes glaze over and my mind disappears. Its a real struggle focusing.

I rarely bore others with my little events.

Im not exactly companion material.

When I do make meaningful connections and I do often I love that feeling. Id like to experience more of that but I cant help not enjoying chit chat and Im just not good at it.

So I recognize that I need people and I think I have something valuable to offer some people but Im not a very casual friend. I guess Im more intense in person than most people I meet.

My social skills suck. Ive found a way to stay connected by being a gopher. Ill pop my head in let out a blurb get a laugh or two then I disappear but I want more. I want to fulfill others, be fulfilled myself and have a closeness with people I now feel unable to.

It feels very complicated to me.

Id enjoy some honest advice.

Thank you,

Nomad
a)Anyone who is normal will have some degree of anxiety in social situations. If you find yourself with dry heaves, you may have a real issue.



b)The only people fascinated with the mundane are sales people who will listen intently to your bowel movement history if it ends in a sale for them. everyone else is glazing over right along with you



c)You are simply considerate of others as regards events news.



d)Look a little closer at those folks you think are successful socially. I think a lot of them are faking it. You do, don't you?

Bottom line, I like you and your funky personality. An as usual it *********** me when you try and find yourself lacking.

[Clodhopper]

Well, the Nomad who comes on here and makes us laugh is evidence that there's more to you than seriousness. I'd suggest it shows some breadth to your personality

I'm not sure what "too serious" is. Do you mean you overanalyse, or do you mean that an irritated person has told you to lighten up? If the latter, that says more about them than about you. If the former, have you tried meditation?

Don't be too hard on yourself. If this is an aspect of yourself you wish to work on then go for it! It's one of the ways we can grow. But if you are trying to force your personality in ways it simply isn't happy going, the situation won't be sustainable.

[Accountable]

Nomad;1318773 wrote: Thank you for the replies.

I suspect part of the problem is scattered baggage I keep hanging onto and a fear of being exposed as the monster Ive often thought myself to be. I do understand thats not true in my mind but the conditioned patterns are a bitch to let go of.
I get that. Really deep & true relationships require a huge commitment of honesty. Even if you don't reveal the monster inside on purpose, anybody that hangs around long enough will figure it out. Is that about right?

I got nothin' for you, but I get it, I think. I guess that's something, though.

As for being intense, the trick is to find others as intense as you are. You may only stand to be around each other in doses, but the experience is, well, intense.

[Nomad]

This should probably be deleted now. Ive been exposed as pathetic. I really dont want to be pathetic.

[ZAP]

Nomad;1318783 wrote: This should probably be deleted now. Ive been exposed as pathetic. I really dont want to be pathetic.


You are NOT pathetic! And I'm sure no one sees you that way.

[Accountable]

Nomad;1318783 wrote: This should probably be deleted now. Ive been exposed as pathetic. I really dont want to be pathetic.
Well you don't wanna be apathetic either.

[flopstock]

Nomad;1318783 wrote: This should probably be deleted now. Ive been exposed as pathetic. I really dont want to be pathetic.




Not to worry sweetie... that happened way back in '08:D

[Lon]

Interesting thread---------Nomie, you have a high degree of acceptance within the FG community due I believe to your oft times interesting, and sometimes bizarre sense of humor. I believe this is transferable to social skills wherein you blossom in any social setting. I would encourage you to seek out and join a group like "Toastmasters" to develop public speaking skills. Yeah it's tough at first, getting up and speaking before a group, but all members of TM have done it and many that have had anxieties in the past when in social settings gain in self confidence and become very comfortable in all social settings. I am one that is very comfortable in most social gatherings and have done a fair amount of public speaking before large groups. That was not always the case for me. As an alternative to TM, consider a civic club like Kiwanis, Rotary or Lions. Not only do they do good things for community service, but they will help develop social skills.

[Accountable]

I was in Toastmasters for years. Made it to Advanced Toastmaster Bronze. I recommend it to anybody!

[Patsy Warnick]

Nomad

Are you serious here?

I figured you as a very strong secure individual.

You need some one who makes you Laugh.

I get bored with conversations - I seem to put a twist on the topic & get every one laughing. Example true story:

Family talking - wasn't he married? where's she at now? I don't know He quit driving truck. Well, maybe she's still with the truck? ? I said:

It was a Peterbuilt.:wah:

Why are you beating yourself up? Any thing else going on ?

Patsy

[fuzzywuzzy]

Nomad;1318754 wrote: Id like to be more social. There are problems however.

Existing problems consist of anxiety in social situations (not always but frequent enough)

Mundane conversation bores me to tears. If the conversation is meaningful Im all in it, but once it turns routine, shopping, work stories, bla bla I cant get out of there fast enough.

My eyes glaze over and my mind disappears. Its a real struggle focusing.

I rarely bore others with my little events.

My social skills suck. Ive found a way to stay connected by being a gopher. Ill pop my head in let out a blurb get a laugh or two then I disappear but I want more. I want to fulfill others, be fulfilled myself and have a closeness with people I now feel unable to.

It feels very complicated to me.

Id enjoy some honest advice.

Thank you,

Nomad


Would you like my ex's phone number?

[theia]

Nomad;1318754 wrote: Id like to be more social. There are problems however.

Existing problems consist of anxiety in social situations (not always but frequent enough)

Mundane conversation bores me to tears. If the conversation is meaningful Im all in it, but once it turns routine, shopping, work stories, bla bla I cant get out of there fast enough.

My eyes glaze over and my mind disappears. Its a real struggle focusing.

I rarely bore others with my little events.

Im not exactly companion material.

When I do make meaningful connections and I do often I love that feeling. Id like to experience more of that but I cant help not enjoying chit chat and Im just not good at it.

So I recognize that I need people and I think I have something valuable to offer some people but Im not a very casual friend. I guess Im more intense in person than most people I meet.

My social skills suck. Ive found a way to stay connected by being a gopher. Ill pop my head in let out a blurb get a laugh or two then I disappear but I want more. I want to fulfill others, be fulfilled myself and have a closeness with people I now feel unable to.

It feels very complicated to me.

Id enjoy some honest advice.

Thank you,

Nomad


Nomad, if you want to learn social chit chat skills, you can. It'll take take time and practice and it'll be anxiety provoking at times, but you can do it. But is that what you really want? Or is it that you think you should be that way? You say that you find mundane conversations boring, so do you really want to learn how to be a part of them? It's unlikely that they will become less boring because you've learned how to join in with them. They may become more bearable and convince you that you're part of the group, but will that fulfil you?

Some of us here have experienced your intensity and depth, and it's an honour. We connect with you deeply and love you as you are. Can you try to feel as we do, about yourself?

If you were to start a general chit chat thread on FG that wasn't off the wall, e.g. "Nomad and his Cardis" or "Nomad likes his cuppa in the morning" (actually, with your name on them, they would still seem off the wall!!), you wouldn't be Nomad to the rest of us.

Some deep connections don't need words...notice the baby who gives you a knowing look in the supermarket, the old lady who gives you a beautiful smile, the person who gently touches your shoulder as you brush past them. They have all recognised something in you that you're not seeing at the moment.

[Ahso!]

Theres nothing wrong with you, Nomad. That is of course unless you continue to judge yourself from the perspective of how one should 'feel' in todays social construct. Actually, this current social facade is less conducive to what a human being is in reality to what we'd like it to be in order to fit the myth we've invented. I'd venture to say that the vast majority of people who spend significant time online are very similar to you. Why else would we not be interacting with people face-to-face? Its available to us. The internet gives people such as us our solitude and an interaction we can walk away from and return to at our own pace. The conversations are still there in Verdana font when we want to revisit them.

Consider how often people return home from work mentally exhausted. Why is that? I think its because they are barely getting through the social surrounding of work, not the work itself. A favorite philosopher of mine, Sam Keen, has referred to that as a spiritual dis-ease. I'm inclined to place the dis-ease in the brain, though.

When you talk about the baggage, I understand what you mean, but remember, the apparent mistakes you've made are due to the fact that social situations and relationship expectations in our societal structure do not suit your make up. It is not that you've made a mess of a good thing, its more like you're on the wrong planet, and thats a bit more accurate, really. But there is no getting away from who you are, your brain structure took hundreds off millions of years to become what it is and I think you should figure out how to embrace that. Your brain doesn't like bullsh!t, so stop force feeding it the bullsh!t and put yourself on a mission to seek truth and accuracy. Start embracing your serious side and nourish it with the information it craves. Its true that when you begin to do that you may lose some of that quirky lovable persona others are enamored with, but thats a compromise and recipe you have to weigh and figure out. Its your state of mind and its all your own choice.

Theres lots more I'd like to say, but I've probably already been more overwhelming than some would have liked. I hope some of what I've written is helpful.

[Nomad]

Superb replies. I feel much better. I feel like my little yellow guy again. Thank you so much for your kindness.

[Nomad]

With one exception.











:-4



Originally Posted by Nomad

This should probably be deleted now. Ive been exposed as pathetic. I really dont want to be pathetic.

flopstock;1318793 wrote: Not to worry sweetie... that happened way back in '08:D

[Accountable]

Nomad;1318833 wrote: Superb replies. I feel much better. I feel like my little yellow guy again. Thank you so much for your kindness.
Oh good, because I thought I'd screwed it up. :yh_sweat

Try this: Go back and read some of your posts. Go back a year or more so that they will seem fresh to you. I think you'll find somebody you like a lot. The rest of us did.

[ZAP]

Nomad;1318754 wrote: Id like to be more social."

In what way would you like to be more social?

"There are problems however.

Existing problems consist of anxiety in social situations (not always but frequent enough)

Mundane conversation bores me to tears. If the conversation is meaningful Im all in it, but once it turns routine, shopping, work stories, bla bla I cant get out of there fast enough."

I see nothing wrong with this. By all means, move on to more interesting conversations and stimulating people.

"My eyes glaze over and my mind disappears. Its a real struggle focusing.

I rarely bore others with my little events."

Sometimes those "little events" might be enlightening or homorous to others.

"Im not exactly companion material."

Not so. Your posts show a person who is interested in a huge variety and has a quick wit that would liven up a conversation. You speak intelligently on many things."

'When I do make meaningful connections and I do often I love that feeling. Id like to experience more of that but I cant help not enjoying chit chat and Im just not good at it.

I'd call that 'rapport', 'affinity' and it's wonderful but you don't find it with everybody. I can usually find something of interest in everyone.



"So I recognize that I need people and I think I have something valuable to offer some people but Im not a very casual friend. I guess Im more intense in person than most people I meet.

My social skills suck. Ive found a way to stay connected by being a gopher. Ill pop my head in let out a blurb get a laugh or two then I disappear but I want more. I want to fulfill others, be fulfilled myself and have a closeness with people I now feel unable to.

It feels very complicated to me.

Id enjoy some honest advice.

Thank you,

Nomad


It's not clear to me in which way you would wish to change. Lon's advice on joining a service group might help and it has helped many but I found when I was president of our Rotary that there were certain individuals who never spoke up or contributed. I always hated public speaking and dreaded it.

[Odie]

Nomad;1318833 wrote: Superb replies. I feel much better. I feel like my little yellow guy again. Thank you so much for your kindness.


there you go, chin up, we've all had some kind of anxiety in our lives, just remember to keep your little guy yellow and keep your stick off the ice eh?:yh_rotfl

[YZGI]

I was going to help but I knew that would be an oxymoron.

[farmer giles]

my social skills are very limited nomie

all i want to do is have a laugh if that does not work the urge to be annoying over whelms me and i have to go stand on my own in the naughty corner untill i can be normal again .its been 40 years now and i'm still here

[G#Gill]

Hi Jimbo! Good to see you pop in me fave FG fella! Hope all is OK and you're taking care of yourself! :-6

[G#Gill]

Sorry, Nomie, it's just I don't catch that Jimbo very often, and had to say 'Hi' to the old reprobate! Back to the topic o

[along-for-the-ride]

Hey, Nomie. I would have replied sooner if I had seen your thread earlier. I'm still learning my way around the new improved Forum Garden.

You already have the social skills for FG. Pathetic? No way. Are you alluding to RL?

As for me, in RL, I'm the quiet one. A good stimulating conversation rarely happens. I will listen more than anything. It seems like most of the time, folks just aren't that interested in what you have to say or get distracted. So I have learned to be brief and to the point during average conversation.

[Nomad]

farmer giles;1319097 wrote: my social skills are very limited nomie



all i want to do is have a laugh if that does not work the urge to be annoying over whelms me and i have to go stand on my own in the naughty corner untill i can be normal again


We are brothers.

[guppy]

i like this thread..and my response is about me

For years and years my only social outlet was through my kids..i spent way too much time by myself..

When i went back to nursing..i felt like i was in shelter shock..way to much conversation..to much noise among coworkers..i would come home..exhausted, overwhelmed and extremely tired ...now i have gotten used to it..it took me months to get accustomed to the small talk..without making me want to go crawl in a hole somewhere so my mind could destress...I will probably never engage in it as much as my coworkers..there are times i am quiet and just listen..thats just me..