Big Ache In My Little World

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SilverCroc
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Big Ache In My Little World

Post by SilverCroc »

When it comes to relationships I have a shoddy track record. Talking to people comes easy to me but telling someone how I feel about them, I've never done it. I met someone a long while ago (year-ish) and I told myself previously that I'll never want a relationship again because I don't want the upset. Now I find myself wanting this girl.

I met her via a friends site and we got on well. We've really gotten to know each other over the time we've been talking. Im going over to her country in 9 months and we want to meet, always talk about the activities we'll be doing together and she's going to show me around, stay in the hotel for a week and have a night in the tent.

We have 1 long essay style message, some smaller messages, wall posts, picture comments and messages over facebook too. This is per day. She's the 1 to initiate the conversation normally. We talk about anything and everything. A lot of fun and banter. I think she knows I like her and I've told her she's special (actually we both did together) but I think we're both hesitant to say anything until we see each other in person.

She's got herself a boyfriend now and I feel unbelievably crappy about it, it doesnt even makr sense though, how can I feel like this and not have seen her in person? She still messages me exactly the same and lots per day and there's no difference in us staying together for my trip. But I dont know if I can keep talking, its actually making me depressed. Or if I should continue talking and see what happens in her relationship as she's had a few and haven't worked out including 1 with the guys she's seeing now. I dont know why I feel so strongly. I dont know if Im wasting my time bit most of all, I dont know what will happen when we stay together for the week when Im over there.

I feel like an idiot for loving her, stupid for maybe over reacting, annoyed for not just saying it out right, hurting but cant/ possibly dont want to stop messaging her.

I don't know what to do.
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LarsMac
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Post by LarsMac »

Getting pretty worked up over someone you don't even know.
Control is an illusion. The Chaos is all part of the fun.
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

Maybe she's just a casual friendly person, an adventurous spirit with many relationships. If you decide to go, that is how you must behave. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, don't commit yourself before you even spend time together! Go on a vacation & relax, have it in your mind you are there for temporary fun times. Take it easy, have no expectations of anything beyond what it actually is. What is her country, are you travelling far?

If you decide to go, have FUN. That's what it's all about. You sound young. I'm jealous!!!!!!!
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FourPart
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Post by FourPart »

You don't give your age, but from the style of your post you sound to me like you're quite possibly in your late Teens / Early 20s, quite simply because you're describing me at that age (mind you, come to that, I've not changed much, but that's down to diagnosed Mental Health issues).

The point is, when lacking experience, it's all too easy to mistake a 'crush' (or 'lust', come to that) for 'love'. You may not believe it now. You think I don't know what I'm talking about, but you just wait a few years & you'll probably look back & wonder how you could ever have been so naive.
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G#Gill
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Post by G#Gill »

She sounds like she just wants a bit of fun, so have a care and don't let yourself be taken in. It seems that she has difficulty making a relationship last and people like that rarely change, so be careful. If I was you I would not travel to see her and spend time on a holiday with her, as that seems to be a recipe for great disappointment and unhappiness.

I would advise just remain writing to each other, because I'm sure that at some stage in the not too distant future the novelty will wear off and she will no doubt turn her attention to another male friend. If she has a boyfriend, what on earth is she doing flirting online with other men ? Also where will this boyfriend be if you travel to where she lives - if he sees her with another man, I'm sure there could be a problem !

There are all sorts of warning lights flashing, so don't let yourself try to develop this online friendship into something which it may never become, simply because she appears to be just having fun at your expense. Think very carefully.
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Patsy Warnick
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Post by Patsy Warnick »

Silver

You sound young and this high-tec communication is tricky.

I'd have to agree with G-Gill as far as a fun casual relationship - but it also sounds like she's young & wanting to meet & date several at a whim.

Did I read your going to another Country to meet her?

Not sure if I would - your putting yourself in a awkward position - your putting a lot of trust in some one you really don't know.

I would remain High-Tec pen pals and leave it as that. Don't be so serious - your too young.

Good Luck

Patsy
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

SilverCroc;1464092 wrote: When it comes to relationships I have a shoddy track record. Talking to people comes easy to me but telling someone how I feel about them, I've never done it. I met someone a long while ago (year-ish) and I told myself previously that I'll never want a relationship again because I don't want the upset. Now I find myself wanting this girl.

I met her via a friends site and we got on well. We've really gotten to know each other over the time we've been talking. Im going over to her country in 9 months and we want to meet, always talk about the activities we'll be doing together and she's going to show me around, stay in the hotel for a week and have a night in the tent.

We have 1 long essay style message, some smaller messages, wall posts, picture comments and messages over facebook too. This is per day. She's the 1 to initiate the conversation normally. We talk about anything and everything. A lot of fun and banter. I think she knows I like her and I've told her she's special (actually we both did together) but I think we're both hesitant to say anything until we see each other in person.

She's got herself a boyfriend now and I feel unbelievably crappy about it, it doesnt even makr sense though, how can I feel like this and not have seen her in person? She still messages me exactly the same and lots per day and there's no difference in us staying together for my trip. But I dont know if I can keep talking, its actually making me depressed. Or if I should continue talking and see what happens in her relationship as she's had a few and haven't worked out including 1 with the guys she's seeing now. I dont know why I feel so strongly. I dont know if Im wasting my time bit most of all, I dont know what will happen when we stay together for the week when Im over there.

I feel like an idiot for loving her, stupid for maybe over reacting, annoyed for not just saying it out right, hurting but cant/ possibly dont want to stop messaging her.

I don't know what to do.


This, (and what follows) is what most of us call "life". It often sucks, but it's much better than stepping off the table with your necktie caught on the lamp.
SilverCroc
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Post by SilverCroc »

High Threshold;1464147 wrote: This, (and what follows) is what most of us call "life". It often sucks, but it's much better than stepping off the table with your necktie caught on the lamp.


It sounds a lot easier.
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FourPart
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Post by FourPart »

High Threshold;1464147 wrote: This, (and what follows) is what most of us call "life". It often sucks, but it's much better than stepping off the table with your necktie caught on the lamp.
That could be thought of as being the High Light of your day.
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FourPart
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Post by FourPart »

SilverCroc;1464248 wrote: It sounds a lot easier.
By the way - good to see you back.

Why not come & get involved in the other Threads & Forums? I know you'll be made welcome.
SilverCroc
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Post by SilverCroc »

My holiday to her country wasn't just to see her, I'd already had plans for an event over there. Not sure I'll go now.

I've been past myself for days because she wanted out of this world, suicide note and everything. Her boyfriend ****ed off in her time of need and I was there to talk to her but I was doing less of listening and more of advice and I upset her further, unintentionally but still. She just wanted me to listen and I didn't and that was because I couldn't believe that I cared more about her than her boyfriend. Which makes me an idiot anyway. She's asked to be left alone and I fear that's it for the friendship.

I can never keep people in my life. I make friends, really good friends and then I **** up and they're gone. My family is ripped apart, I barely speak to my family. My dad's passed on a genetically heart disease which has just started to flare up now (told no-one) and his brother died of it at 28 and I've got it at the same age as he did (22) and because it spans further than the heart it's incurable.

All this is because I cared too much but didn't realise that people know what's best for themselves so set about what I said in the wrong way. I just wish I didn't give a damn about anything.
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

You are clinically depressed. There is a lot of sadness in your life. I'm very sorry you are suffering so. Have you lost interest in the event you were planning on attending? If you are & feel up to going, try to go, but only if you can keep your mind off seeing her.

Deep depression is something I unfortunately have personal knowledge of. Perhaps asking your doctor for an anti-depressant to keep the edge off even a little bit?
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

FourPart;1464250 wrote: That could be thought of as being the High Light of your day.


You are incorrigible! :wah:
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

SilverCroc;1464248 wrote: It sounds a lot easier.


Those who have tried and failed would disagree with you - and the ones who did succeed would most likely wish they hadn't. It may be just a clever thing to say, but - suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem.
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

High Threshold;1464259 wrote: Those who have tried and failed would disagree with you - and the ones who did succeed would most likely wish they hadn't. It may be just a clever thing to say, but - suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem.


When you're as depressed as he is, the ability to see the problem as temporary is really hard. All hope seems lost. Someone contemplating suicide needs medical intervention, at least give it a try.

Believe me, HT, I understand this feeling. It's an intensely lonely one & you can't see the forest for the trees.
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

My advice SilverCroc, is not to meet her. In your state of mind she'll have you holding the ladder for her or agreeing to "jumping" in tandem. Go somewhere else and be anonymous instead. A tough situation is best endured by subjecting ones self to another tough situation, isolated from the first one, but one in which your own personal expertise will see you through. In that way your triumph will afford a much-needed boost to a sinking soul. You do understand what it is I'm saying, yes?
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

I understand what you are saying HT & it seems like very good advice to me. Well thought out by a man who has experienced much in life. Compassionate, too.
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

AnneBoleyn;1464266 wrote: I understand what you are saying HT & it seems like very good advice to me. Well thought out by a man who has experienced much in life. Compassionate, too.


Very kind of you, Anne. :)
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LarsMac
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Post by LarsMac »

High Threshold;1464264 wrote: My advice SilverCroc, is not to meet her. In your state of mind she'll have you holding the ladder for her or agreeing to "jumping" in tandem. Go somewhere else and be anonymous instead. A tough situation is best endured by subjecting ones self to another tough situation, isolated from the first one, but one in which your own personal expertise will see you through. In that way your triumph will afford a much-needed boost to a sinking soul. You do understand what it is I'm saying, yes?


Anne's right (of course) that is great advice.

my youngest grandson has met several people through his online gaming, and when they decide to meet, face to face, they pick somewhere neutral to do so. Then if it does not work out, no problem, they can both go home and carry on, no hard feelings, and if it works out they can decide the next steps from there.
Control is an illusion. The Chaos is all part of the fun.
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SilverCroc
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Post by SilverCroc »

It just feels soo.. idk I feel like there isn't a word or words for it.

I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm thinking suicide but I know I can't do it anyway. I just feel trapped. I spent 1 1/2 years getting everything sorted, self improvement, everything off my own back, no help from anyone because I wanted to show myself that I can do this. I can't rely on anyone, I can't even trust anyone who I haven't made really good friends with and no matter what, even them friends can't be trusted.

Every day I have to do the same as most people, get up and go to work, knowing that I'll see loads of people who are happy and even the ones that aren't happy can still have people to help them. It's pure jealously and it's stupid. I'm not angry with her or others, I'm angry with myself that I put myself in this position again and no matter what I do I always seem to end up here.

In doing what I was doing I thought I was going closer and closer to being happy but in reality I was going further and further away. HT, I think that's out the question now anyway about meeting her. But I know what you're saying and I know what I have to do, I just lack the drive; I don't see the point in building back up to be chucked back down.

I haven't lost interest in the event, it's a sporting event and this sport makes me happy. I have already booked my ticket but not the plane flights, I just don't know what I'll be like when I'm over there. Why should I save up and go on a holiday, doing what I want to do but knowing that there's a good chance I'll be sad when I'm over there. It's 7-8 months away so I might feel better by then but who knows.

When I'm around others I change. I put up a wall and act but when I'm out of sight I'm a mess. My job is 1 of the best in my sector, I'm doing much better than a lot of the people I've known but I'm still disappointed in myself.

I don't want to feel like this but I can't trust people. A little while ago I had my group I help at tell me that it's a family and they look out for each other. That's all anything seems to be; empty words with no meaning. I went to help out at that group on Wednesdays, Thursdays and many weekends in order to keep busy.



I feel like I'm lost. I know what I have to do.. thanks AnneBoleyn and High Threshold for your kind words.
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FourPart
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Post by FourPart »

I know the feeling only too well. I'm diagnosed as Bi-Polar so I can easily be triggered from being on a high to being suicidal within a matter of seconds.

As far as friends are concerned, I've learned, over time, that even if you have just one friend who will stand by you, no matter how you treat him when you're in a really crappy state. A friend who will stick up for you when others slag you down. A friend you can rely on. A friend who knows that you would do the same for him when required. Then that one friend is infinitely of more value than a fleet of Fair-Weather Friends.

As far as giving someone else support, I've been on both sides of the fence there many times, and several of my friends know they can use me as a sounding board when they need to vent, without my taking offence. Usually this tends to be what is needed more than advice. I've found that by the mere process of venting they can get the anger & overall emotions out of their system, then they calm down & are able to think things through with a more reasoned attitude - and I'm certainly no different.

I know it can be tough when faced with someone in this sort of situation, but I'm afraid that advice is going to be the last thing they want to hear. If you've been in their position before, then put yourself in their shoes. What would you have wanted at the time? Someone telling you everything you're doing wrong. Telling you what you should do? No. You just want someone who will be there & remain calm while you shout & rant at them about what it is you're feeling. This is what a true friend will be there for.

The Samaritans are all very well & good in their way, but in my experience they're just a bunch of anonymous do-gooders, albeit with the best intentions of the world. While this might be just what some people need, it doesn't work for me, as it lacks the personal touch.

Life is like FaceBook. You can add as many 'Friends' as you like, but it doesn't make you any more popular. It's just a matter of numbers. However, if you keep your 'Friends' list short, then you are more likely to know everyone on the list more intimately.

Quality - not Quantity.
SilverCroc
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Post by SilverCroc »

FourPart;1464278 wrote: I know the feeling only too well. I'm diagnosed as Bi-Polar so I can easily be triggered from being on a high to being suicidal within a matter of seconds.

As far as friends are concerned, I've learned, over time, that even if you have just one friend who will stand by you, no matter how you treat him when you're in a really crappy state. A friend who will stick up for you when others slag you down. A friend you can rely on. A friend who knows that you would do the same for him when required. Then that one friend is infinitely of more value than a fleet of Fair-Weather Friends.




You're luck to have a friend like that. I was a similar friend to someone but not vise versa.

I know I made an awful choice in what I said to her. It makes me feel terrible and the worst part is I hurt her too. Purely unintentional but still, that's no excuse.

I wish my heart would just cave in. You see, I plan things ahead so that I have something to look forward to and that's what keeps me going. I no longer have that. When i wake up in the mornings I feel 1 second of nothing and then darkness surrounds me like someone's just chucked a sheet over me, I feel it land on my and droop down over me.

I don't see hope in this.
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

I don't see hope in this.

Exactly. Which is why I think you need medical intervention. I don't know what kind of group you help out with, but I do know it is You who need help, & there is nothing wrong in focusing on You Getting Help for Yourself.

There are medical conditions which can change your mindset. If you haven't already, I urge you to seek professional help.

If it is mental, a therapist can be a great sounding board for working things out. Medicines to treat conditions are better & better. This sounds like a problem you've been battling well before this girl came into your life.

Seek help. You deserve to feel better. Once you do, exercise, yoga & meditation can aid your progress. Step 1, however, is professional medical help. Do it while you still have NHS! :-)
SilverCroc
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Post by SilverCroc »

AnneBoleyn;1464290 wrote: I don't see hope in this.

Exactly. Which is why I think you need medical intervention. I don't know what kind of group you help out with, but I do know it is You who need help, & there is nothing wrong in focusing on You Getting Help for Yourself.

There are medical conditions which can change your mindset. If you haven't already, I urge you to seek professional help.

If it is mental, a therapist can be a great sounding board for working things out. Medicines to treat conditions are better & better. This sounds like a problem you've been battling well before this girl came into your life.

Seek help. You deserve to feel better. Once you do, exercise, yoga & meditation can aid your progress. Step 1, however, is professional medical help. Do it while you still have NHS! :-)


The problem is, if I go away and work on myself through intervention like this then I lose everything and there's no turning back. I've had this spelt out to me in no uncertain terms and I just cant risk losing it. I break everything I started previously and rip down the building blocks I have because they were built on the belief that I can do this. I don't trust anyone to help. I just told my next closest friend about the heart problem and he said "so you'll be in the hosp and not the pub on friday?".

I'm going to give this a shot doing what I did before which was ridiculously good for me. Literally I went around, first acting but then more natural, just talking to people, anyone. It helped. While also working on self improvement, more internal like a clear mindset. I've lost my way, i already made the path, I just need to find it again.

I'm going for these heart tests on a doctors rush order because of the problems my dad's having now and the family death, which I only found out about a couple of days ago. The result of this will determine what I do.
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AnneBoleyn
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Post by AnneBoleyn »

Best of luck to you on the results of your heart tests. Let us know how they turn out. That's the most important thing for you to deal with right now, & your fears may be bringing on panic & anxiety. That's quite normal. The advice I gave can wait until you have a clean bill of health, or are directed for treatment. You have trust issues--I hope you find your doctors to be competent & worthy of your trust. You will need to trust their judgement if it turns out there is a problem.

You have so much on your plate right now, it must be hard to think straight. You are alone, & that's never good in a crisis when you need people you care about surrounding you.

I have decided I care about you. Please keep me informed, I will help you if I can. Be well.
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Post by Betty Boop »

Welcome to FG SilverCroc, hope you stick around :-6

I agree with Anne, please see your Doctor and explain how you are feeling, maybe you can have some anti-depressants? It's quite possible the chemicals in your brain are out of sync and it's quite amazing how easily they can be re-balanced with anti-depressants for some people.
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Post by SilverCroc »

We started a poke war on facebook just for a laugh and just last night that she read my message, not replied but did poke me.

I don't understand why she'd ignore me but then poke me on facebook. She's the only friend that I felt she understood me and I understood her. I need her in my life so much because she was the only person I could trust. It was the first time ever that I was able to trust someone and she lived thousands of miles away.

I believe she felt near to the same but I broke that trust by not just listening to her. Im the one at fault here, for everything. Its all my fault.

I could barely function at work. I know I wont be able to go on holiday to the country and I let it drop to someone at work who was like "ohh you were uncontrolably excited about it" and that just made me feel worse. Which I guess is similar to what I did to her so I guess thats what I deserve.

Ive started to read a book. I was so close to calling time on it all.

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