Need potential toxic friend advice please!!!!

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virtualgirl
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Need potential toxic friend advice please!!!!

Post by virtualgirl »

Hi

I don't typically post these kinds of things on forums but I am in desperate need of help. I am even considering seeing a shrink for advice because I am having such a difficult time with a friend of mine.

I have been friends with this girl for about 11 years now so we were VERY close friends. She considers me one of her best friends. Over the recent years we have slowly come a part because my husband and I don't mesh at all with her future husband hes just not a very friendly guy and may have alcoholic tendencies. So, we just don't hang out with them as much. However, over the years of our friendship people around me would always say (especially my mom and husband who I have been with for 10 years) she puts me down a LOT and she isn't a good friend. However, I would just brush off the things she would say about me because we were young and she is insecure and I knew of her insecurities.

Until these past couple years (I am 25) I have matured and my husband and I are thinking about having kids soon. I started to view my life more serious and who I would want in my childrens life. Also, I was having very severe health issues that also started me question our friendship.

About 1 year ago I was working with this girl at a very good company. However, I started to get severe migraines multiple times a week to the point I couldn't work (it was a computer job). I was seeing naturopaths, regular physicians, neurologists you name it I've done it. It was one of the scariest things I had ever been through because I couldn't find what the cause was. I had a good friend I had met at this company who cared IMMENSELY about my health. She recommended foods for me to eat, would bring me healthy foods to eat, recommended me Doctors. I was in AWE about this girl. Alongside I had my supposedly very close friend of 11 years who was putting me down for being sick. I would literally be at home in pain in a pitch black room and she would be sending me texts saying:

"What are you going to do your missing SO much work" .. "I can't even imagine what the manager is thinking" .. "Dang dude that sucks do you even have any paid time off?" ...

I am one of those people who take work VERY seriously so I was already feeling super guilty about missing work. I honestly wouldn't doubt my migraines lasted longer because I was stressing about missing work. However, she NEVER cared about my health whatsoever... never once a "OMG im so scared for you I hope its nothign serious". Never.

Another instance that happened was when we were on a trip together and my boyfriend (Husband now but he was my boyfriend at the time) was at home. We were leaving the trip that day when this girls dad said that we could stay another night. We of course were really excited about it. I get a call 20 minutes later that my boyfriends dad just went into cardiac arrest and didn't know if he was going to make it. I told my friend that I needed to go home ASAP because of how serious it was. She got PISSED. Silent treatment wouldn't talk to me and I was a mess because of not being there for my boyfriend of 4 years (and husband now).

But overall she puts my family down, me down, and my other friends down. She is just a really really negative person. And not even just negative shes a very jealous girl as well. I told her we were building a house next door to my parents house (we have a family business) and first of all she didn't even respond to that part of the conversation. She completely avoided that I had even told her and talked about something completely different. A couple weeks later she was like "ha wow you won the jackpot for being a daughter of your family" or when I get a car she says "Ha wow jealous isn't that an expensive car?" No congratulations no I am happy for you nothing.

With my family she puts my husband down she puts my mom down. This didn't really start until I started working with her so I didn't want to cause conflicts at work so I just did what I always did I brushed it off. However, I didn't mention before but I ended up quitting the job because of my severe migraines to find out that the building had black mold in it which is what was the cause. I have now been migraine free for over a year.

In recent months I have finally gone off on her (I HATE conflict I know that's bad but I have a really hard time with it because of anxiety). The first time I went off on her was later on when I had my migraines she was just pushing and pushing and pushing about what a terrible worker I was (maybe your just not cut out for a 40 hour a week job, etc). And she then apologized. The second time I went off on her was when she blamed our friendship on me (because we don't hang out as much anymore). I told her it takes 2 people and to be honest we don't click with your future husband and it's awkward sometimes because he wont even say hello to us. The third time was when she asked me to be her MOH in her wedding and I didn't want to be. I told her I didn't want the responsibility and I didn't think I would be a good MOH. However, she ended up crying and wanted me to be there by her side and I agreed.

So here I am. You may be wondering "Well what's the problem?" the problem is on the outside she doesn't come across as mean at all. She is bubbly and she has done good things for me in the past to help me. It would also hurt her VERY much. But I am to the point now where I avoid her calls, texts, and im about to be her MOH in her wedding a few short weeks and I cannot ruin her day. I won't ruin her special day. I still care about her as a person I just can't be around her much anymore. It's like I have to walk on egg shells around her and constantly be in defense mode because she always has something to say. She just isn't a good friend and I've realized that through meeting good friends and actually realizing what a good friend LOOKS like.

My question to you all is... how do I break the ties??? Its going to hurt her I hate hurting people but my husband and I both don't want EITHER of them in our lives anymore. It isn't a give her another chance time now because we have already had 3 big fights... its a more of a question of how I can end the friendship on good terms? We live in a small town we have a lot of the same friends... its difficult... please help I've lost a lot of sleep over this and I want to do it the right way.
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along-for-the-ride
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Post by along-for-the-ride »

Sometimes, we do have to move on. In the process, we end friendships and find others. It's sad, but true. I wish you well.
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Patsy Warnick
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Post by Patsy Warnick »

Your young & friendships change - you need to end this friendship.

You know you need to end this relationship - your body is telling you to end this relationship.

Just tell her no more - stop taking calls - text etc. from her - just stop - done.

The friendship is not fun - bye - bye..

Patsy
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Post by G#Gill »

I won't make any comments or suggestions, until the author of this thread returns and posts some recognition of the posts that have replied to her. This is because I have seen so many similar types of posts with similar content and unfortunately they have turned out to be not genuine. I just feel sad for those sort of people. Now just show me I'm misjudging you "Virtualgirl". I suppose we should be suspicious with a site name like "Virtualgirl".
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virtualgirl
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Need potential toxic friend advice please!!!!

Post by virtualgirl »

Thank you all for your suggestions.I work long hours so I can't check often. I am real I promise. This has been a struggle for me for about a year now.

My only issue is we live in a small town and I hate awkward situations. Is there a way to eliminate friendships easily? I think either way she is going to be mad but am wondering if in anyone's experience there was a better way or less harsh way?
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LarsMac
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Post by LarsMac »

Some times, you just have to say, "I'm done with that." and move on.
Control is an illusion. The Chaos is all part of the fun.
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virtualgirl
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Post by virtualgirl »

Yeah your right Lars maybe it just is what it is and there isn't an easy way. Thank you
Patsy Warnick
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Post by Patsy Warnick »

Small town or not

Your married - hubby is now your best friend.

Many times when couples are married & others are not - it makes for a awkward distance from friends.

Now your health is in question - you know you need to stop this relationship.

enough is enough - you said it - toxic...:-5

Life is good as long as you make your life the best.

Patsy
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G#Gill
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Post by G#Gill »

virtualgirl;1484748 wrote: Thank you all for your suggestions.I work long hours so I can't check often. I am real I promise. This has been a struggle for me for about a year now.

My only issue is we live in a small town and I hate awkward situations. Is there a way to eliminate friendships easily? I think either way she is going to be mad but am wondering if in anyone's experience there was a better way or less harsh way?




I apologise for doubting you, virtualgirl, but I hope you can understand my caution !

It will always be difficult to sever a friendly relationship, and there is no easy or kind way to do it, particularly in a small town when I expect most of the inhabitants know most of the others ! Maybe you could just grab the nettle and tell your 'friend' just how things have become between you and how it is affecting you and your husband. Just tell her that in the circumstances and as things will never improve, you must end the friendship and go your separate ways. At least all parties involved will know where they stand ! You either do this now and give her time to find another MOH for her wedding, or carry on till after the wedding and then shortly after that make the break with her.

You may have to suffer various comments from mutual friends who have been primed by this 'toxic' pal of yours, but take heart, you will surely make new friends when you mix in other circles. If it does happen that the 'toxic pal' has poisoned mutual friends against you, life goes on and maybe you could dispense with these 'tainted' friends as being so shallow and gullible, and there are plenty of other folk to make friends with who are probably made of better stuff !

In life, these things happen, unfortunately, but they help to make you stronger and, no doubt, wiser. All the best to you and I hope the situation can be managed with the least of problems for all concerned.
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virtualgirl
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Post by virtualgirl »

G#Gill;1484766 wrote: I apologise for doubting you, virtualgirl, but I hope you can understand my caution !

It will always be difficult to sever a friendly relationship, and there is no easy or kind way to do it, particularly in a small town when I expect most of the inhabitants know most of the others ! Maybe you could just grab the nettle and tell your 'friend' just how things have become between you and how it is affecting you and your husband. Just tell her that in the circumstances and as things will never improve, you must end the friendship and go your separate ways. At least all parties involved will know where they stand ! You either do this now and give her time to find another MOH for her wedding, or carry on till after the wedding and then shortly after that make the break with her.

You may have to suffer various comments from mutual friends who have been primed by this 'toxic' pal of yours, but take heart, you will surely make new friends when you mix in other circles. If it does happen that the 'toxic pal' has poisoned mutual friends against you, life goes on and maybe you could dispense with these 'tainted' friends as being so shallow and gullible, and there are plenty of other folk to make friends with who are probably made of better stuff !

In life, these things happen, unfortunately, but they help to make you stronger and, no doubt, wiser. All the best to you and I hope the situation can be managed with the least of problems for all concerned.




Totally understandable no offense taken :).



That was REALLY well said. Thank you so much for the advice, reassurance, and support that worst case scenario I will eventually make new friends if the circle of friends don't support my decision. Thank you again. I will probably be reading your message multiple times.
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Post by spot »

This notion of ditching friends when they come to the end of their use-by date is a bit noxious.

What you really need is distance, not a town feud for the rest of your life with everyone you ever knew pitching in on one side or the other.

In your mid-twenties you've good reason to move as a family to somewhere with more career opportunity. Somewhere with a million-plus population that never sees snow. Every problem solved at a stroke.
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Post by G#Gill »

spot;1484776 wrote: This notion of ditching friends when they come to the end of their use-by date is a bit noxious.

What you really need is distance, not a town feud for the rest of your life with everyone you ever knew pitching in on one side or the other.

In your mid-twenties you've good reason to move as a family to somewhere with more career opportunity. Somewhere with a million-plus population that never sees snow. Every problem solved at a stroke.


This idea of moving to another town is, of course, quite a good idea and as you say, solves every problem at a stroke ! However, one small but important matter is being able to afford to move elsewhere ! If one has the money to be able to move to a different area, then that would be an obvious solution. But, in this present climate of low incomes and high costs for most things, one would have to find an alternative and probably a less acceptable answer to the problem.
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Post by spot »

Our correspondent is in her twenties, has a skill and a two-income family. They could live anywhere in the US. They could make job applications to Google, Microsoft (except for the Seattle weather), Apple, the White House and UNESCO and be earning phenomenal amounts within months, away from the intolerable strains of small-town life.
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Post by G#Gill »

spot;1484802 wrote: Our correspondent is in her twenties, has a skill and a two-income family. They could live anywhere in the US. They could make job applications to Google, Microsoft (except for the Seattle weather), Apple, the White House and UNESCO and be earning phenomenal amounts within months, away from the intolerable strains of small-town life.


You may have a point there, Mr. spot, I hadn't taken in the information that there was a 'family business' there. That being the case, perhaps it would not be a good move to up sticks and go to another area, either taking the business with them or leaving the business where it was and just leaving the area themselves. Maybe a more difficult situation than at first thought ? But whatever the decision, I believe it should be sorted before children come on the scene. Children need to have a settled environment, not to be uprooted when they have settled in to a school and made friends in the school and in the neighbourhood.
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Post by Smaug »

Depending on the circumstances, I would say both of you are giving good advice here! I certainly can't think of anything to add, except to wish you a successful solution to your problem, Virtualgirl.
" To finish first, first you have to finish!" Rick Mears. 4x Winner Indy 500. 3x Indycar National Champion.
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Post by spot »

G#Gill;1484803 wrote: Children need to have a settled environment, not to be uprooted when they have settled in to a school and made friends in the school and in the neighbourhood.Bah. I was uprooted constantly, it never had any effect on me. Four different schools I went through and I still turned out stable, moderate and keen to compromise.

Five. I forgot a school.
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Post by G#Gill »

spot;1484812 wrote: Bah. I was uprooted constantly, it never had any effect on me. Four different schools I went through and I still turned out stable, moderate and keen to compromise.

Five. I forgot a school.


I make no apologies, Mr. spot, for the use of emoticons here !!!!!! :yh_rotfl :lips:
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Post by Smaug »

spot;1484812 wrote: Bah. I was uprooted constantly, it never had any effect on me. Four different schools I went through and I still turned out stable, moderate and keen to compromise.

Five. I forgot a school.


Steady on, Spot! I wouldn't go that far....:wah:
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Post by LarsMac »

spot;1484812 wrote: Bah. I was uprooted constantly, it never had any effect on me. Four different schools I went through and I still turned out stable, moderate and keen to compromise.

Five. I forgot a school.


I got ya beat. In twelve years of school, I attended 11 different schools across 6 different states. At look how 'Normal' I turned out.
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Post by spot »

I was deliberately not counting expulsions.
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Post by LarsMac »

spot;1484949 wrote: I was deliberately not counting expulsions.


I was never the subject of an expulsion.
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Post by virtualgirl »

Unfortunately moving isn't an option for me. Our family business Is here and we're in commercial real estate . So the buildings we own are in this area which we have to be near. It really is a good town I've lived here my entire life. And all our family is here too. We actually live next door to my parents so we have a family compound :)

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