Trouble in Paradise?

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:27 pm

OK WELL SHOOT! :-5

I cant even begin to tell you what has been going on and yet i need advice! The past two days have beed nicely stressfull? My mom and dad in-law came in to visit. I am currently taking care of their two 16y/o kids. It is mutually benificial. They are with a trucking company that does not allow riders and my husband is in Iraq and i am lonely. They send us 75 dollars a week or there about to accomidate for increases in food and other bills(water ect). These kids dont eat like chow hounds and for the most part are excalent on energy concervation so it is PLENTY.

That said; the parents came in and they went NUTS! we went shopping they bought me some jamies new bra's and undies, three new chairs, pots and pans, curtaind, toweld, a foosball table, everything they saw and if i even looked like i liked it they got it.

Also for those of you who dont know i have been going through physical therapy. Now i started my cycle and when that happens my hips and back act up and i become immobile(sometimes) this particular time was one of them. I get weak all my muscles dont want to work and i am in A LOT OF PAIN. Well my father in law told me (because mom in law has lots of back and hip problems) that he didnt want me to work because he knows the problems that can occour because of re injuring problems before they are fixed. and "your in no shape to be going out and getting a job"

I havent worked for like three weeks because of pain. It is better now and i am going to be looking for another job soon. WELL THEN my hubbie calls and i tell him what has been going on. He is angry because of the things they bought and because they think they know what is best ect.ect.ect. Partially i think he got so angry because he wasnt here.

Now since my husband is not present i feel it is my responsibility to represent what my husband feels and act on it. even though i only partially agree with him. I dont feel that it was neccessary for them to purchace all these things they deemed necessary. yes we are using all the things they bought. but it wasnt something we NEEDED. father in law has a problem because he believes that he has every right to buy the things he feels are necessary, and to make very STRONG sugestions about what i should and should not do. since "im his daughter now" Husband has a problem because" This is my house, your my wife and i pay all the bills and no one has a right to do those things for MY family thats MY job.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:-5

what am i supposed to do. I know that i need to suport my husbands decisions because for the most part i agree with them. but there is almost no argueing with my father in law. i can not stop him from buying whatever he deems "necessary".

LUCKILY they are gone now. so i wont have to deal with any of the "spoiling" in the near future but what should i do next time? how do i politely decline their purchases while still acknowledging i am helping them out and that i should not bear the burden of the kids financially? i dont know, maybe i mostly needed to vent. I felt awefull after speaking with my husband because he got angry and i do not get to talk with him often.

ANY THOUGHTS>>>>????

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:39 pm

You are caretaking and homeschooling your brother and sis in law. Accept the gifts your in-laws have given you. They gave them as a way of saying "thanks". The HS stuff is gone and you are being treated as an adult and as an integral part of their family. Go for it T-Girl --- yyou need the help because your hubby is gone.

jasmund · Post by **jasmund** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:57 am

-I agree, what you are doing is hard and stressful and painful, you might want to write your husband a letter and make sure you put in their what your days are like! Yes, that is admiral that you respect your husbands wishes etc. But he doesnt make the rules!!!!! You are his equal, his decision doesnt over ride yours.

I can only imagine how hard it is for the both of you, him going through god knows what, but ah, your not exactly sitting on the couch watching Opera, eating bon-bons, ringing the bell for the butler!

-my hat is off to you girl! Let yourself be spoiled, and also stick up for yourself in a kind and respectful way.

Keep us informed:)

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:05 am

Well this is what I would do, I wouldn't tell him if he got upset, I'd just let them spoil me as much as they wanted to, it's most likley there way of showing you they understand how hard it is for you and want to make it up to you.

Then again I'm divorced so I don't go into relationship counselling as I hid loads of thing from my ex husband, especially money.

Sorry for the bad advice, thats just my way:sneaky:

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:05 am

Hey why dont you just enjoy being spoiled and when the parents leave and hubbys back home things can go back to how they were.... and maybe not tell hubby about every thing that they have bought untill he comes back - and hopefully hubby will be so pleased to see you the presents from your parents wont matter - good luck .

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 4:08 am

Everybody should have such problematic in-laws. :wah:

It sounds like your FIL is like your husband, proud protective and giving. If you don't want this to happen again, the next time he visits, nip it in the bud. Turn on the charm and take the initiative before they can act. I'm at a loss how, since I'm usually on the other side of this,

but the point is give him something to do before he has a chance to think of something else. For instance, break something he can fix. That'll keep him occupied providing for you, and you can swoon over his manliness. *thought: dang, we're easy to manipulate*

Another tack might be to get them talking about their own early years of marriage. Hopefully they had overbearing parents; take notes. When they cross your line, you can use their own stories to illustrate how their helping is not helping so much.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:20 am

yep. that's stressfull.

but it sounds like "good" stress. Your in-laws want to help out. sounds like they are from my Dad's generation.

Hubby is upset, but i think it is more of a pride thing. he isn't around to do the things that his folks are. I get that. But he should take pride that he has a family that is more than willing to step up and help out while he's gone.

it is awesome that your in-laws want to help.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:09 am

Seems like everything was fine until you talked to husband. He is not there. He is just being macho. You need to do what YOU need to do when he is gone. The situation was fine w/ all parties involved until hubby came into it. I think if you have told inlaws not to buy the gifts and they do it anyway, then to return or decline the gifts would be rude/distasteful. Let them treat you as it is their desire. I say let your hubby battle it out w/ his parents and leave you OUT of it! If he is not careful, he could destroy a beautiful relationship that didn't need fix'n! I am sure he knows, there are far more serious things to worry about in this world.

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:23 pm

Thank you all for your advice. I know it sounds like a stupid problem LOL. But it bothers me when my husband cant do anything about the situation and he gets upset about it. I know it is probably his pride that is the problem but i guess i feel stuck. They are his parents and he should be able to tell them what they shouldnt do for his family. I like their gesture. If you knew anything about what an prick his dad was to me in the earlier years of our relationship you would know what a huge and nice thing he is doing. I just feel stuck and i dont like that feeling. It hurts to be stuck between two people. Especially when one is your husband. All well. i think i will just not tell him and he can be mad when he gets back. I hate to not tell him things. We promised that we would tell eachother things, and i dont like to hide things from him. I know that this isnt a huge thing, but when i dont talk to my husband even about little things i feel guilty. BLAH!!!!!!!! ok well i spose thats it. Thanks again

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:27 pm

TenneseeGirl wrote: Thank you all for your advice. I know it sounds like a stupid problem LOL. But it bothers me when my husband cant do anything about the situation and he gets upset about it. I know it is probably his pride that is the problem but i guess i feel stuck. They are his parents and he should be able to tell them what they shouldnt do for his family. I like their gesture. If you knew anything about what an prick his dad was to me in the earlier years of our relationship you would know what a huge and nice thing he is doing. I just feel stuck and i dont like that feeling. It hurts to be stuck between two people. Especially when one is your husband. All well. i think i will just not tell him and he can be mad when he gets back. I hate to not tell him things. We promised that we would tell eachother things, and i dont like to hide things from him. I know that this isnt a huge thing, but when i dont talk to my husband even about little things i feel guilty. BLAH!!!!!!!! ok well i spose thats it. Thanks again

Sounds like his Dad is trying to make up for his behaviour in the past then, surely you can get that point over to your Hubby.

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:51 pm

My 2 cents...........

It might be they saw that "THEIR" children were in a GOOD safe place and wanted to help. It could also be they felt a little guilty about what they are putting you and 'B' thru and not being there for their own?

My hunch would be that it is a little of both...

But 'EM' you keep all that was given to you and use it to the fullest........

POPS..........

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:21 pm

BTS wrote: My 2 cents...........

It might be they saw that "THEIR" children were in a GOOD safe place and wanted to help. It could also be they felt a little guilty about what they are putting you and 'B' thru and not being there for their own?

My hunch would be that it is a little of both...

But 'EM' you keep all that was given to you and use it to the fullest........

POPS..........

thanks POPS :p

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:53 am

Betty Boop wrote: Sounds like his Dad is trying to make up for his behaviour in the past then, surely you can get that point over to your Hubby.

TOTALLY agree here!!! And in this case I re-iterate my earlier post. Accept the gifts graciously, but do offer to not accept. When they insist to buy/give/help out, that may be your father in laws way of saying "I am soo so sorry for the past". At this point refusing (as your husband wants you to) may open old wounds and cause a rift. I say leave hubby out of it!!! Too bad--he ISN'T there....

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:20 am

I know you feel guilty for not telling him everything, but don't. I can assure you that I don't tell my DH everything about what is going on at home. I don't want him pissed off or worried - I want him concentrating on his job. He can be mad at me later for the little stuff so long as he concentrates on bringing his ass back to me in one piece!

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Sat Oct 29, 2005 2:22 pm

LilacDragon wrote: I know you feel guilty for not telling him everything, but don't. I can assure you that I don't tell my DH everything about what is going on at home. I don't want him pissed off or worried - I want him concentrating on his job. He can be mad at me later for the little stuff so long as he concentrates on bringing his ass back to me in one piece!

good point! i actually got to talk to him a bit today and he wasnt mad at me so that made me feel better. YAY! lol i guess i can just tell when he is upset-- ya know

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Oct 29, 2005 5:43 pm

Flop, let's move to Utah. I wanna marry you, too. :-4

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:36 pm

Perch...they wanted to do it. It made them feel good to do it. Have you never done something wonderful for someone and it made then uncomfortable because its just hard to know how to thank or repay such kindness ? Your their family now and they yours...so deal with it, it was a wonderful thing and Im sure they were beaming when they left, it did them good as well. Your husbands feelings probably have something to do with pride or complications that naturally occur between parents and their children. It was a good thing and your lucky to have loving in laws.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Oct 30, 2005 2:28 am

flopstock wrote: Just so I'm clear on things here....when his MIL and BTS(not sure what you call him) show up,s

For clarificatrion - I am the Mom and BTS is the step dad. :-4

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:46 pm

Far Rider wrote: Having been in your husbands situation many times I can tell you his utter frustration in his father for protecting and prividing for you when he cannot, especially when he over does it. If he were home he would put the unoticieable pressure from father to son and son to father and he'd probably not even bother to spoil... but your father in law siezes the opportunity to help out.

Your husband is greatfull, trust me. But HE is the provider/protector. He has selected it as his job and made a lifelong committment to it. He's just having a hard time fullfilling it in his current situation and its frustrating.

Now bieng through it and on the other side I was greatful to any help anyone gave my wife while I was deployed. Even though at times I didnt like it.

Tgirl... dont change anything, accept ALL folks are willing to give you, especially family.

Trust me, you're not in the "middle" of it, you are it! You are the family keeper and protector right now. Take any help you see fit. Your husband will be greatful later, trust me.

When he calls, I hate to tell you this, it's not lying to minimize his distractions right now. Shhhhhh don't tell him, tell him you got some nice things and mention a few of them, say "they will come in handy".

When he comes home, he will again assume his role and the family protector and keeper... and all will be well.

Bless you!

Good advice Far.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:41 pm

Bumpers till T-Girl sees it - sorry FG - Far had a great reply. ANd yes she is my daughter....so WHAT

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:04 pm

Far Rider wrote: Having been in your husbands situation many times I can tell you his utter frustration in his father for protecting and prividing for you when he cannot, especially when he over does it. If he were home he would put the unoticieable pressure from father to son and son to father and he'd probably not even bother to spoil... but your father in law siezes the opportunity to help out.

Your husband is greatfull, trust me. But HE is the provider/protector. He has selected it as his job and made a lifelong committment to it. He's just having a hard time fullfilling it in his current situation and its frustrating.

Now bieng through it and on the other side I was greatful to any help anyone gave my wife while I was deployed. Even though at times I didnt like it.

Tgirl... dont change anything, accept ALL folks are willing to give you, especially family.

Trust me, you're not in the "middle" of it, you are it! You are the family keeper and protector right now. Take any help you see fit. Your husband will be greatful later, trust me.

When he calls, I hate to tell you this, it's not lying to minimize his distractions right now. Shhhhhh don't tell him, tell him you got some nice things and mention a few of them, say "they will come in handy".

When he comes home, he will again assume his role and the family protector and keeper... and all will be well.

Bless you!

THANKS thats much needed advice

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 6:08 pm

TenneseeGirl wrote: THANKS thats much needed advice

I thought so too - that is why I bumped it.......:-4