A Letter To America

[olderbutnotwiser]

Subject: A LETTER TO AMERICA



NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE



To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your

failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other

territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime

minister (Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been

unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a

minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress

and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated

next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the

transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping

the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you

will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You

will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You

will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope

with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary

to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven

words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is

an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer

show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you

shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary

then you won't have to use bad language as often.



2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know

on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist

in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.

Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or

"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political

incorrectness.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you

to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You

will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It

is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed

to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US

Rugby sevens side by 2007. You should stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which

is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that

there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called

"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.







7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no

longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than

a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day".



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand

the British sense of humour.



10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you

insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips

are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to

chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be

trained to be more aggressive with customers.



11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to

be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.



12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter

will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known

as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's

Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser

company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's

Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last

1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of

confusion.



13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as

you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices

with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the

former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices

(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).



14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

not grown up enough to handle a gun.



15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.







PS Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to

1776).



Thank you for your co-operation

This is, of course, entirely "tongue in cheek" and no offence is intended!!

[Blackjack]

*wonders who here hasn't already seen this a million times already*

Societal Issues and News? This is the very antithesis of news. :p I thought it was funny as a response to the 2000 election deadlock but I was disappointed when it was just recycled in 2004. Those devilishly clever Brits should have been able to come up with at least a few new jabs at those silly Americans, especially considering everything that had happened in those four years in between. Yet everyone still acted like it was the funniest thing ever as though they'd never seen anything like it before. Short memories! Bet you anything it'll come up again the exact same way in 2008.

[Accountable]

:yh_tong2 phbbbffftttttt! You know?



You can't re-integrate us. We don't have a large enough Muslim and Hindu populations to qualify as British.

[chonsigirl]

THE PARIS PEACE TREATY (PEACE TREATY of 1783):

In the name of the most holy and undivided Trinity.

It having pleased the Divine Providence to dispose the hearts of the most serene and most potent Prince George the Third, by the grace of God, king of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, defender of the faith, duke of Brunswick and Lunebourg, arch- treasurer and prince elector of the Holy Roman Empire etc., and of the United States of America, to forget all past misunderstandings and differences that have unhappily interrupted the good correspondence and friendship which they mutually wish to restore, and to establish such a beneficial and satisfactory intercourse , between the two countries upon the ground of reciprocal advantages and mutual convenience as may promote and secure to both perpetual peace and harmony; and having for this desirable end already laid the foundation of peace and reconciliation by the Provisional Articles signed at Paris on the 30th of November 1782, by the commissioners empowered on each part, which articles were agreed to be inserted in and constitute the Treaty of Peace proposed to be concluded between the Crown of Great Britain and the said United States, but which treaty was not to be concluded until terms of peace should be agreed upon between Great Britain and France and his Britannic Majesty should be ready to conclude such treaty accordingly; and the treaty between Great Britain and France having since been concluded, his Britannic Majesty and the United States of America, in order to carry into full effect the Provisional Articles above mentioned, according to the tenor thereof, have constituted and appointed, that is to say his Britannic Majesty on his part, David Hartley, Esqr., member of the Parliament of Great Britain, and the said United States on their part, John Adams, Esqr., late a commissioner of the United States of America at the court of Versailles, late delegate in Congress from the state of Massachusetts, and chief justice of the said state, and minister plenipotentiary of the said United States to their high mightinesses the States General of the United Netherlands; Benjamin Franklin, Esqr., late delegate in Congress from the state of Pennsylvania, president of the convention of the said state, and minister plenipotentiary from the United States of America at the court of Versailles; John Jay, Esqr., late president of Congress and chief justice of the state of New York, and minister plenipotentiary from the said United States at the court of Madrid; to be plenipotentiaries for the concluding and signing the present definitive treaty; who after having reciprocally communicated their respective full powers have agreed upon and confirmed the following articles.

Article 1:

His Brittanic Majesty acknowledges the said United States, viz., New Hampshire, Massachusetts Bay, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia, to be free sovereign and independent states, that he treats with them as such, and for himself, his heirs, and successors, relinquishes all claims to the government, propriety, and territorial rights of the same and every part thereof.

Article 2:

And that all disputes which might arise in future on the subject of the boundaries of the said United States may be prevented, it is hereby agreed and declared, that the following are and shall be their boundaries, viz.; from the northwest angle of Nova Scotia, viz., that nagle which is formed by a line drawn due north from the source of St. Croix River to the highlands; along the said highlands which divide those rivers that empty themselves into the river St. Lawrence, from those which fall into the Atlantic Ocean, to the northwesternmost head of Connecticut River; thence down along the middle of that river to the forty-fifth degree of north latitude; from thence by a line due west on said latitude until it strikes the river Iroquois or Cataraquy; thence along the middle of said river into Lake Ontario; through the middle of said lake until it strikes the communication by water between that lake and Lake Erie; thence along the middle of said communication into Lake Erie, through the middle of said lake until it arrives at the water communication between that lake and Lake Huron; thence along the middle of said water communication into Lake Huron, thence through the middle of said lake to the water communication between that lake and Lake Superior; thence through Lake Superior northward of the Isles Royal and Phelipeaux to the Long Lake; thence through the middle of said Long Lake and the water communication between it and the Lake of the Woods, to the said Lake of the Woods; thence through the said lake to the most northwesternmost point thereof, and from thence on a due west course to the river Mississippi; thence by a line to be drawn along the middle of the said river Mississippi until it shall intersect the northernmost part of the thirty-first degree of north latitude, South, by a line to be drawn due east from the determination of the line last mentioned in the latitude of thirty-one degrees of the equator, to the middle of the river Apalachicola or Catahouche; thence along the middle thereof to its junction with the Flint River, thence straight to the head of Saint Mary's River; and thence down along the middle of Saint Mary's River to the Atlantic Ocean; east, by a line to be drawn along the middle of the river Saint Croix, from its mouth in the Bay of Fundy to its source, and from its source directly north to the aforesaid highlands which divide the rivers that fall into the Atlantic Ocean from those which fall into the river Saint Lawrence; comprehending all islands within twenty leagues of any part of the shores of the United States, and lying between lines to be drawn due east from the points where the aforesaid boundaries between Nova Scotia on the one part and East Florida on the other shall, respectively, touch the Bay of Fundy and the Atlantic Ocean, excepting such islands as now are or heretofore have been within the limits of the said province of Nova Scotia.

Article 3:

It is agreed that the people of the United States shall continue to enjoy unmolested the right to take fish of every kind on the Grand Bank and on all the other banks of Newfoundland, also in the Gulf of Saint Lawrence and at all other places in the sea, where the inhabitants of both countries used at any time heretofore to fish. And also that the inhabitants of the United States shall have liberty to take fish of every kind on such part of the coast of Newfoundland as British fishermen shall use, (but not to dry or cure the same on that island) and also on the coasts, bays and creeks of all other of his Brittanic Majesty's dominions in America; and that the American fishermen shall have liberty to dry and cure fish in any of the unsettled bays, harbors, and creeks of Nova Scotia, Magdalen Islands, and Labrador, so long as the same shall remain unsettled, but so soon as the same or either of them shall be settled, it shall not be lawful for the said fishermen to dry or cure fish at such settlement without a previous agreement for that purpose with the inhabitants, proprietors, or possessors of the ground.

Article 4:

It is agreed that creditors on either side shall meet with no lawful impediment to the recovery of the full value in sterling money of all bona fide debts heretofore contracted.

Article 5:

It is agreed that Congress shall earnestly recommend it to the legislatures of the respective states to provide for the restitution of all estates, rights, and properties, which have been confiscated belonging to real British subjects; and also of the estates, rights, and properties of persons resident in districts in the possession on his Majesty's arms and who have not borne arms against the said United States. And that persons of any other decription shall have free liberty to go to any part or parts of any of the thirteen United States and therein to remain twelve months unmolested in their endeavors to obtain the restitution of such of their estates, rights, and properties as may have been confiscated; and that Congress shall also earnestly recommend to the several states a reconsideration and revision of all acts or laws regarding the premises, so as to render the said laws or acts perfectly consistent not only with justice and equity but with that spirit of conciliation which on the return of the blessings of peace should universally prevail. And that Congress shall also earnestly recommend to the several states that the estates, rights, and properties, of such last mentioned persons shall be restored to them, they refunding to any persons who may be now in possession the bona fide price (where any has been given) which such persons may have paid on purchasing any of the said lands, rights, or properties since the confiscation.

And it is agreed that all persons who have any interest in confiscated lands, either by debts, marriage settlements, or otherwise, shall meet with no lawful impediment in the prosecution of their just rights.

Article 6:

That there shall be no future confiscations made nor any prosecutions commenced against any person or persons for, or by reason of, the part which he or they may have taken in the present war, and that no person shall on that account suffer any future loss or damage, either in his person, liberty, or property; and that those who may be in confinement on such charges at the time of the ratification of the treaty in America shall be immediately set at liberty, and the prosecutions so commenced be discontinued.

Article 7:

There shall be a firm and perpetual peace between his Brittanic Majesty and the said states, and between the subjects of the one and the citizens of the other, wherefore all hostilities both by sea and land shall from henceforth cease. All prisoners on both sides shall be set at liberty, and his Brittanic Majesty shall with all convenient speed, and without causing any destruction, or carrying away any Negroes or other property of the American inhabitants, withdraw all his armies, garrisons, and fleets from the said United States, and from every post, place, and harbor within the same; leaving in all fortifications, the American artilery that may be therein; and shall also order and cause all archives, records, deeds, and papers belonging to any of the said states, or their citizens, which in the course of the war may have fallen into the hands of his officers, to be forthwith restored and delivered to the proper states and persons to whom they belong.

Article 8:

The navigation of the river Mississippi, from its source to the ocean, shall forever remain free and open to the subjects of Great Britain and the citizens of the United States.

Article 9:

In case it should so happen that any place or territory belonging to Great Britain or to the United States should have been conquered by the arms of either from the other before the arrival of the said Provisional Articles in America, it is agreed that the same shall be restored without difficulty and without requiring any compensation.

Article 10:

The solemn ratifications of the present treaty expedited in good and due form shall be exchanged between the contracting parties in the space of six months or sooner, if possible, to be computed from the day of the signatures of the present treaty. In witness whereof we the undersigned, their ministers plenipotentiary, have in their name and in virtue of our full powers, signed with our hands the present definitive treaty and caused the seals of our arms to be affixed thereto.

Done at Paris, this third day of September in the year of our Lord, one thousand seven hundred and eighty-three.

D. HARTLEY (SEAL)

JOHN ADAMS (SEAL)

B. FRANKLIN (SEAL)

JOHN JAY (SEAL)

[Blackjack]

Erm... what did you post that for, Chonsigirl?

*has devoted most of the past six years of his life to studying langauages but still cannot make any sense of legalese whatsoever*

[chonsigirl]

Blackjack wrote: Erm... what did you post that for, Chonsigirl?

*has devoted most of the past six years of his life to studying langauages but still cannot make any sense of legalese whatsoever*
It's the Treaty of Paris that gave that officialy recognized the United States as a it's own country, no longer associated with Great Britain.

*sorry, it makes perfect sense to me*

[Blackjack]

Did you actually read the text of the "revocation?" :p

[chonsigirl]

Yes, and I was a history major in college.

Always amazed me they shared the navigation of the Mississippi River.

*I will not post anything more that heavy*

How many languages do you know?

[Blackjack]

German, Spanish, French (always had problems with French, though,) some Dutch and Italian, a little familiarity with Latin as well.

[chonsigirl]

Cuantos Espanol?

Spanish, Greek, Latin, Hebrew, some Middle Egyptian...................old stuff.

You scored high on my list for Latin, I had to pass that for one degree. Livy this and Cicero that...................:wah:

[Accountable]

I know a smattering of English.







:o

[chonsigirl]

I bet you know alot of Spanglish, AC..........................

[OpenMind]

Olderbutnotwiser. Just a check While you are only having fun, your post is nonetheless illegal.

[Blackjack]

Illegal?

[OpenMind]

Blackjack wrote: Illegal?


It is a treasonable offence to unofficially represent or otherwise masquerade, impersonate, or pretend to be the English Monarch in any form.

[Wolverine]

i'm fine with all that crap..

EXCEPT #6. i will fight to the death in a "Football Jihad" to keep FOOTBALL the way it is. and nearly 50 million other fans will join my cause. Professional and college alike.

[chonsigirl]

*college band marches out into the field*

[Accountable]

chonsigirl wrote: *college band marches out into the field*
I'm glad this happened now instead of June. They'd all be at band camp. :-3



Where's that flutist? :sneaky:

[chonsigirl]

Next to the drummer....................

Attached files

[Wolverine]

chonsigirl wrote: Next to the drummer....................
HA!