Step-parenting
Step-parenting
Is anyone else here a step-parent who finds it difficult to like your step-children? I KNOW that sounds absolutely horrible and please don't think less of me because of it. I'm just wondering if there is anyone else out there struggling through that kind of a situation. Two of my fiance's children came to live with us almost a year ago now (in October it will be a year) and it has been DIFFICULT to say the very least! They are teenagers and pretty much have behavior patterns that I find appalling. I could write for days and still never be able to sum up all the things that have happened and relay to you the utter amazement I feel at their behavior. Please tell me I am not the only one!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
-
Bill Sikes
- Posts: 5515
- Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 am
Step-parenting
Beagle wrote: Is anyone else here a step-parent who finds it difficult to like your step-children? I KNOW that sounds absolutely horrible and please don't think less of me because of it. I'm just wondering if there is anyone else out there struggling through that kind of a situation. Two of my fiance's children came to live with us almost a year ago now (in October it will be a year) and it has been DIFFICULT to say the very least! They are teenagers and pretty much have behavior patterns that I find appalling. I could write for days and still never be able to sum up all the things that have happened and relay to you the utter amazement I feel at their behavior. Please tell me I am not the only one!
confused:
Teenagers. I wonder whether it's a worldwide problem. Have you any
children? Has she more than these two? I remember when I met Mrs. Sikes
(now living elsewhere, thank God). After a few meetings, I was taken home.
I knew she'd a daughter (about 7 y.o. then)... in the house, as I went in, I
saw a small girl sitting on a couch, wathing TV, with her neck pulled down,
and looking *absolutely furious*. This I ignored at the time; now I realise
that I must've seemed "just another bloke with mum". However, as time
passed, I was able, without "trying to be nice", to get on well with her. She
seems OK to me, & has no problems visiting every weekend, or anything.
She has not turned into a horrible teen-ayger so far - maybe she never will
- I hope not! But, the slanging matches she has with her mother!! Gosh,
Lord, love a duck. What a vocabulary, without swearing!! I do not suffer
from that. She *helps* when at my house, and is a very great help
indeed to the Young Master. Anyway, I am going off at a tangent, again. Do
your "steps" appear worse than other tea-nagers? How tean r they? Are
you trying excessively hard, and getting a rise taken out of you? Perhaps they
are older teenies - if so, nourish the thought that they'll, in a few years, have
changed for the better, be off your hands and (maybe) out of your life (to
an extent), or locked up for a long stretch for being awful! Joking apart, let
it wash over you, don't attack them or react particularly to them unless
absolutely necessary, and don't try to be too nice! Can't your fiancee help?
confused:
Teenagers. I wonder whether it's a worldwide problem. Have you any
children? Has she more than these two? I remember when I met Mrs. Sikes
(now living elsewhere, thank God). After a few meetings, I was taken home.
I knew she'd a daughter (about 7 y.o. then)... in the house, as I went in, I
saw a small girl sitting on a couch, wathing TV, with her neck pulled down,
and looking *absolutely furious*. This I ignored at the time; now I realise
that I must've seemed "just another bloke with mum". However, as time
passed, I was able, without "trying to be nice", to get on well with her. She
seems OK to me, & has no problems visiting every weekend, or anything.
She has not turned into a horrible teen-ayger so far - maybe she never will
- I hope not! But, the slanging matches she has with her mother!! Gosh,
Lord, love a duck. What a vocabulary, without swearing!! I do not suffer
from that. She *helps* when at my house, and is a very great help
indeed to the Young Master. Anyway, I am going off at a tangent, again. Do
your "steps" appear worse than other tea-nagers? How tean r they? Are
you trying excessively hard, and getting a rise taken out of you? Perhaps they
are older teenies - if so, nourish the thought that they'll, in a few years, have
changed for the better, be off your hands and (maybe) out of your life (to
an extent), or locked up for a long stretch for being awful! Joking apart, let
it wash over you, don't attack them or react particularly to them unless
absolutely necessary, and don't try to be too nice! Can't your fiancee help?
-
LilacDragon
- Posts: 1382
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:23 am
Step-parenting
My oldest daughter and my husband DO NOT - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - get along!!! My younger daughter and my husband get along famously most of the time.
The problems started pretty early on and have certainly increased as time has gone on. Yes, I do try to keep the peace and mediate. It never works.
The problems started pretty early on and have certainly increased as time has gone on. Yes, I do try to keep the peace and mediate. It never works.
Sandi
Step-parenting
Word of Advice? Beagle, if you love your fiance, then talk to her about the kids behavior but dont take it on you to "straighten" them out. At this stage of the game their patterns are pretty much set. Everybody raises their kids differently.
You strike a chord with me, I was raised by a totally out of control achoholic father and a mother who leaned on me. i was always the one she talked to about all of her problems. When i was thirteen my mother divorced. the day the divorce was final she remarried a man who was determined to put me in my place. To sum it up, he was jealous i think. I ended up moving out and living with my granny.
The definition of a brat; someone else's children
You strike a chord with me, I was raised by a totally out of control achoholic father and a mother who leaned on me. i was always the one she talked to about all of her problems. When i was thirteen my mother divorced. the day the divorce was final she remarried a man who was determined to put me in my place. To sum it up, he was jealous i think. I ended up moving out and living with my granny.
The definition of a brat; someone else's children
Step-parenting
Its hard isnt it!
I dont have any children.
But I was a step-child, so I can relate on that aspect
My stepfather became my Dad when I was 6, so I was very very lucky to be young enough to just except he was my Dad (never knew my biological father).
However once I hit the teens, well it bacame a different story
I remembered my step brothers using the "you arent my mother, you cant tell me what to do" line on my Mum, so began using it on my Step Dad.
I dont have any words of wisdom for you, only that the more tension there is the worse it gets
I remember my Step Dad sitting me down one day and telling me he loved me, but was finding it hard to like me when I didnt respect or listen to him.
Of course I told him It was hard for me because I felt different to his other children, and didnt know where I fitted in the family. We were alot closer after that
Is there any chance you could just talk to them about all the issues, ask how they think things could be better etc? Talk about some things you could do together to get to know each other?
I wish you all the luck in the world
We are always here to listen to you if you need to vent :yh_hugs
I dont have any children.
But I was a step-child, so I can relate on that aspect
My stepfather became my Dad when I was 6, so I was very very lucky to be young enough to just except he was my Dad (never knew my biological father).
However once I hit the teens, well it bacame a different story
I remembered my step brothers using the "you arent my mother, you cant tell me what to do" line on my Mum, so began using it on my Step Dad.
I dont have any words of wisdom for you, only that the more tension there is the worse it gets
I remember my Step Dad sitting me down one day and telling me he loved me, but was finding it hard to like me when I didnt respect or listen to him.
Of course I told him It was hard for me because I felt different to his other children, and didnt know where I fitted in the family. We were alot closer after that
Is there any chance you could just talk to them about all the issues, ask how they think things could be better etc? Talk about some things you could do together to get to know each other?
I wish you all the luck in the world
We are always here to listen to you if you need to vent :yh_hugs
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song - Maya Angelou
Step-parenting
Bill Sikes wrote: Teenagers. I wonder whether it's a worldwide problem. Have you any
children? Has she more than these two? I remember when I met Mrs. Sikes
(now living elsewhere, thank God). After a few meetings, I was taken home.
I knew she'd a daughter (about 7 y.o. then)... in the house, as I went in, I
saw a small girl sitting on a couch, wathing TV, with her neck pulled down,
and looking *absolutely furious*. This I ignored at the time; now I realise
that I must've seemed "just another bloke with mum". However, as time
passed, I was able, without "trying to be nice", to get on well with her. She
seems OK to me, & has no problems visiting every weekend, or anything.
She has not turned into a horrible teen-ayger so far - maybe she never will
- I hope not! But, the slanging matches she has with her mother!! Gosh,
Lord, love a duck. What a vocabulary, without swearing!! I do not suffer
from that. She *helps* when at my house, and is a very great help
indeed to the Young Master. Anyway, I am going off at a tangent, again. Do
your "steps" appear worse than other tea-nagers? How tean r they? Are
you trying excessively hard, and getting a rise taken out of you? Perhaps they
are older teenies - if so, nourish the thought that they'll, in a few years, have
changed for the better, be off your hands and (maybe) out of your life (to
an extent), or locked up for a long stretch for being awful! Joking apart, let
it wash over you, don't attack them or react particularly to them unless
absolutely necessary, and don't try to be too nice! Can't your fiancee help?
Ok - first thing's first......LOL.......I am a female.......LOL. Thank you for responding though - hearing other's thoughts on the subject seems to help. They are 16 (his daughter) and 14 (his son - will be 15 in Feb.), so they are smack dab in the middle of their teens! Believe me, I hang on to the notion that I only have to deal with this for a short time (!); we know that once they turn 18, they will be leaving (because they are sure to tell us this over and over again). I love my fiance dearly and he is frequently mortified by their behavior. We also know that much of this behavior they have acquired (they lived with their mother - the kids were "removed" from her care, etc., etc.).
Thanks again for responding!
children? Has she more than these two? I remember when I met Mrs. Sikes
(now living elsewhere, thank God). After a few meetings, I was taken home.
I knew she'd a daughter (about 7 y.o. then)... in the house, as I went in, I
saw a small girl sitting on a couch, wathing TV, with her neck pulled down,
and looking *absolutely furious*. This I ignored at the time; now I realise
that I must've seemed "just another bloke with mum". However, as time
passed, I was able, without "trying to be nice", to get on well with her. She
seems OK to me, & has no problems visiting every weekend, or anything.
She has not turned into a horrible teen-ayger so far - maybe she never will
- I hope not! But, the slanging matches she has with her mother!! Gosh,
Lord, love a duck. What a vocabulary, without swearing!! I do not suffer
from that. She *helps* when at my house, and is a very great help
indeed to the Young Master. Anyway, I am going off at a tangent, again. Do
your "steps" appear worse than other tea-nagers? How tean r they? Are
you trying excessively hard, and getting a rise taken out of you? Perhaps they
are older teenies - if so, nourish the thought that they'll, in a few years, have
changed for the better, be off your hands and (maybe) out of your life (to
an extent), or locked up for a long stretch for being awful! Joking apart, let
it wash over you, don't attack them or react particularly to them unless
absolutely necessary, and don't try to be too nice! Can't your fiancee help?
Ok - first thing's first......LOL.......I am a female.......LOL. Thank you for responding though - hearing other's thoughts on the subject seems to help. They are 16 (his daughter) and 14 (his son - will be 15 in Feb.), so they are smack dab in the middle of their teens! Believe me, I hang on to the notion that I only have to deal with this for a short time (!); we know that once they turn 18, they will be leaving (because they are sure to tell us this over and over again). I love my fiance dearly and he is frequently mortified by their behavior. We also know that much of this behavior they have acquired (they lived with their mother - the kids were "removed" from her care, etc., etc.).
Thanks again for responding!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
flopstock wrote: Pretend I gave you all the pretty 'correct' answers here and now offer this as my true feelings on the subject..
Run, do not walk to the nearest exit! It's the kiss of death to not like the 'steps'.
How much time do you figure you have left in this life? And you plan to spend how much of it hating to come home to those kids?
Here's hoping you don't get hit by a bus before they've moved out.
I hear ya floppy - truly I do, but I dearly love my fiance and fortunately he and I are always on the same page when it comes to dealing with them, discipline, expectations, responsibility, etc. I do this for him and I do this because, even though those 2 children may not recognize it now, they will eventually be grateful (hopefully as they get older) that we were there for them when their mother didn't want them (and, yes, she told them that).
Run, do not walk to the nearest exit! It's the kiss of death to not like the 'steps'.
How much time do you figure you have left in this life? And you plan to spend how much of it hating to come home to those kids?
Here's hoping you don't get hit by a bus before they've moved out.
I hear ya floppy - truly I do, but I dearly love my fiance and fortunately he and I are always on the same page when it comes to dealing with them, discipline, expectations, responsibility, etc. I do this for him and I do this because, even though those 2 children may not recognize it now, they will eventually be grateful (hopefully as they get older) that we were there for them when their mother didn't want them (and, yes, she told them that).
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
LilacDragon wrote: My oldest daughter and my husband DO NOT - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - get along!!! My younger daughter and my husband get along famously most of the time.
The problems started pretty early on and have certainly increased as time has gone on. Yes, I do try to keep the peace and mediate. It never works.
Thanks for responding Lilac. As I said to Bill, it always helps to know that others go through something similar and that I am not alone.
The problems started pretty early on and have certainly increased as time has gone on. Yes, I do try to keep the peace and mediate. It never works.
Thanks for responding Lilac. As I said to Bill, it always helps to know that others go through something similar and that I am not alone.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
guppy wrote: Word of Advice? Beagle, if you love your fiance, then talk to her about the kids behavior but dont take it on you to "straighten" them out. At this stage of the game their patterns are pretty much set. Everybody raises their kids differently.
You strike a chord with me, I was raised by a totally out of control achoholic father and a mother who leaned on me. i was always the one she talked to about all of her problems. When i was thirteen my mother divorced. the day the divorce was final she remarried a man who was determined to put me in my place. To sum it up, he was jealous i think. I ended up moving out and living with my granny.
The definition of a brat; someone else's children
OK Guppy - you and Bill have me as a guy - let's straighten that out first......LOL......I am female.......LOL. Nevertheless, though, I hear what you are saying and can appreciate that. You are so correct in that we will not be able to "straighten" them out because at this point their patterns ARE pretty much set. So, thank you, for understanding me with regard to that. Yes, everyone does raise their children differently and, as I posted earlier in this thread in one of my responses, they previously lived with their mother. Then we receive word that the child welfare agency up there (similar to DCF in Florida) removed them from their mother's care. Apparently, she took the youngest child and left to go see her boyfriend - left the older two children (who now live with us) at home alone and the agency showed up at the house. The agency rep saw the kids were home alone and asked one of them to call their mother (as a test) and tell her they had an emergency and she needed to come home. They called and had to leave a message (no one answered) - she showed up at the house 3 hours later. That's when they removed the children. Anyway, they were used to being left alone, doing what they wanted when they wanted, and used to being able to walk all over their mother.
Lots of history - as I said - I could go on and on........LOL Thank you for responding though!
You strike a chord with me, I was raised by a totally out of control achoholic father and a mother who leaned on me. i was always the one she talked to about all of her problems. When i was thirteen my mother divorced. the day the divorce was final she remarried a man who was determined to put me in my place. To sum it up, he was jealous i think. I ended up moving out and living with my granny.
The definition of a brat; someone else's children
OK Guppy - you and Bill have me as a guy - let's straighten that out first......LOL......I am female.......LOL. Nevertheless, though, I hear what you are saying and can appreciate that. You are so correct in that we will not be able to "straighten" them out because at this point their patterns ARE pretty much set. So, thank you, for understanding me with regard to that. Yes, everyone does raise their children differently and, as I posted earlier in this thread in one of my responses, they previously lived with their mother. Then we receive word that the child welfare agency up there (similar to DCF in Florida) removed them from their mother's care. Apparently, she took the youngest child and left to go see her boyfriend - left the older two children (who now live with us) at home alone and the agency showed up at the house. The agency rep saw the kids were home alone and asked one of them to call their mother (as a test) and tell her they had an emergency and she needed to come home. They called and had to leave a message (no one answered) - she showed up at the house 3 hours later. That's when they removed the children. Anyway, they were used to being left alone, doing what they wanted when they wanted, and used to being able to walk all over their mother.
Lots of history - as I said - I could go on and on........LOL Thank you for responding though!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
Pinky wrote: Yeah, we are the adults here, and supposed to be able to handle our reactions and emotions. Kids, however, don't know where to start with handling either of those, so they react. If they find things hard to handle emotionally, which teens do (show me one that doesn't!) they are much more likely to make out they don't give a toss and be hard to communicate with.
In order to settle down and feel like they can get somewhere, they have to feel safe. By safe, I mean accepted, loved and listened to.
Just like we sometimes find it hard to adapt to things, nd can get paranoid...even more so for them!
I hear ya Pinky and I can't say that they haven't made ANY progress, it's just been very little. When they first came to live with us, they were petrified to speak to order food if we were in a restaurant - they can now do that. And we are trying, but the more we do and provide for them, the faster their hand comes out waiting for what's "next." The appreciation factor is all but non-existent and is very frustrating. We are trying to teach them to be thankful for what they have (instead of what they don't) - and these are kids that obviously were not spoiled and who lived in relative poverty (their mother spent the child support for important stuff like car insurance and things for herself - she did not work and lived off of the child support) - heck, they didn't have cable, no luxuries whatsoever! The more I heard about their life, the more amazed I was and, of course, when my fiance and I offered some time ago to take the children because his ex seemed to having a hard time coping with them, we received a firm "NO." They have learned their behavior from her because as most children do, they adapt and learn from what they are surrounded by - so they have learned it honest.
In order to settle down and feel like they can get somewhere, they have to feel safe. By safe, I mean accepted, loved and listened to.
Just like we sometimes find it hard to adapt to things, nd can get paranoid...even more so for them!
I hear ya Pinky and I can't say that they haven't made ANY progress, it's just been very little. When they first came to live with us, they were petrified to speak to order food if we were in a restaurant - they can now do that. And we are trying, but the more we do and provide for them, the faster their hand comes out waiting for what's "next." The appreciation factor is all but non-existent and is very frustrating. We are trying to teach them to be thankful for what they have (instead of what they don't) - and these are kids that obviously were not spoiled and who lived in relative poverty (their mother spent the child support for important stuff like car insurance and things for herself - she did not work and lived off of the child support) - heck, they didn't have cable, no luxuries whatsoever! The more I heard about their life, the more amazed I was and, of course, when my fiance and I offered some time ago to take the children because his ex seemed to having a hard time coping with them, we received a firm "NO." They have learned their behavior from her because as most children do, they adapt and learn from what they are surrounded by - so they have learned it honest.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
-
Bill Sikes
- Posts: 5515
- Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 am
Step-parenting
Beagle wrote: OK Guppy - you and Bill have me as a guy
I don't think I assumed what sex you are. It doesn't really matter, IMO, unless
you are talking about specifics.
Beagle wrote: Anyway, they were used to being left alone, doing what they wanted when they wanted, and used to being able to walk all over their mother.
Well, now that they are with you and him, you will both just have to get on with
being their parents in the normal fashion, and gently make up for any deficiencies
in their previous upbringing. I wonder whether a "fostering" web-site or news-
group would be useful, as that's sort of the situation you are in.
I don't think I assumed what sex you are. It doesn't really matter, IMO, unless
you are talking about specifics.
Beagle wrote: Anyway, they were used to being left alone, doing what they wanted when they wanted, and used to being able to walk all over their mother.
Well, now that they are with you and him, you will both just have to get on with
being their parents in the normal fashion, and gently make up for any deficiencies
in their previous upbringing. I wonder whether a "fostering" web-site or news-
group would be useful, as that's sort of the situation you are in.
Step-parenting
Brownley wrote: Its hard isnt it!
I dont have any children.
But I was a step-child, so I can relate on that aspect
My stepfather became my Dad when I was 6, so I was very very lucky to be young enough to just except he was my Dad (never knew my biological father).
However once I hit the teens, well it bacame a different story
I remembered my step brothers using the "you arent my mother, you cant tell me what to do" line on my Mum, so began using it on my Step Dad.
I dont have any words of wisdom for you, only that the more tension there is the worse it gets
I remember my Step Dad sitting me down one day and telling me he loved me, but was finding it hard to like me when I didnt respect or listen to him.
Of course I told him It was hard for me because I felt different to his other children, and didnt know where I fitted in the family. We were alot closer after that
Is there any chance you could just talk to them about all the issues, ask how they think things could be better etc? Talk about some things you could do together to get to know each other?
I wish you all the luck in the world
We are always here to listen to you if you need to vent :yh_hugs
Thank you Brownley!! And, yes, both my fiance and I have clocked MANY hours sitting and talking to them. But what happens is that you talk and talk and talk and they seem to understand and they make statements to the extent that you think they are on the right track and then something happens and you find out that everything they said to you, they said because they knew it was what you wanted to hear, not how they truly felt. Again, frustrating. Thank you for responding, and for letting me know that I can vent, should I ever need to do that. For me, that's a wonderful gesture and sometimes that's really all I need - just to get it off my chest.
I dont have any children.
But I was a step-child, so I can relate on that aspect
My stepfather became my Dad when I was 6, so I was very very lucky to be young enough to just except he was my Dad (never knew my biological father).
However once I hit the teens, well it bacame a different story
I remembered my step brothers using the "you arent my mother, you cant tell me what to do" line on my Mum, so began using it on my Step Dad.
I dont have any words of wisdom for you, only that the more tension there is the worse it gets
I remember my Step Dad sitting me down one day and telling me he loved me, but was finding it hard to like me when I didnt respect or listen to him.
Of course I told him It was hard for me because I felt different to his other children, and didnt know where I fitted in the family. We were alot closer after that
Is there any chance you could just talk to them about all the issues, ask how they think things could be better etc? Talk about some things you could do together to get to know each other?
I wish you all the luck in the world
We are always here to listen to you if you need to vent :yh_hugs
Thank you Brownley!! And, yes, both my fiance and I have clocked MANY hours sitting and talking to them. But what happens is that you talk and talk and talk and they seem to understand and they make statements to the extent that you think they are on the right track and then something happens and you find out that everything they said to you, they said because they knew it was what you wanted to hear, not how they truly felt. Again, frustrating. Thank you for responding, and for letting me know that I can vent, should I ever need to do that. For me, that's a wonderful gesture and sometimes that's really all I need - just to get it off my chest.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
SnoozeControl wrote: Oh Beagle, what a brave question! I couldn't stand my ex's daughter, even the sound of her voice made me cringe and I still have nightmares about her years after the last time I've even laid eyes on her (no joke.) I have absolutely no suggestions, we never did manage to 'enjoy' the pleasure of each other's company. But as someone else suggested, send me a PM if you want to talk... we can share horror stories.
Thank you Snooze! I truly appreciate your support and offer - I will probably take you up on it! LOL
Thank you Snooze! I truly appreciate your support and offer - I will probably take you up on it! LOL
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
-
Bill Sikes
- Posts: 5515
- Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 am
Step-parenting
Beagle wrote: both my fiance and I have clocked MANY hours sitting and talking to them.
I think I'd hate that, if I were a step-child - even my parents never did that
sort of thing. Is it perhaps "trying too hard"? With my SD, I just tried to be
matter-of-fact, and get on with life in general, waiting for her to "come
around". She was much younger then of course!
I think I'd hate that, if I were a step-child - even my parents never did that
sort of thing. Is it perhaps "trying too hard"? With my SD, I just tried to be
matter-of-fact, and get on with life in general, waiting for her to "come
around". She was much younger then of course!
Step-parenting
Bill Sikes wrote: I think I'd hate that, if I were a step-child - even my parents never did that
sort of thing. Is it perhaps "trying too hard"? With my SD, I just tried to be
matter-of-fact, and get on with life in general, waiting for her to "come
around". She was much younger then of course!
I should have elaborated. I don't mean many hours spent talking about only responsibilities or their behavior - I mean MANY hours sitting and talking to them overall - about all kinds of things - life, school, listening to them vent about anything, people, being a teenager, etc., etc.
sort of thing. Is it perhaps "trying too hard"? With my SD, I just tried to be
matter-of-fact, and get on with life in general, waiting for her to "come
around". She was much younger then of course!
I should have elaborated. I don't mean many hours spent talking about only responsibilities or their behavior - I mean MANY hours sitting and talking to them overall - about all kinds of things - life, school, listening to them vent about anything, people, being a teenager, etc., etc.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
Beagle, just keep doing what you're doing. When I met hubby he was a widower with two daughters aged 7 and 9, all three were still grieving and I jumped into a relationship wearing very rose tinited glasses.
Things were tough at times, teenage years were hell. The oldest became such a handful that we were sent for family therapy. I refused to take our youngest who was then about 2 years old and was criticised by the therapist for not being commited to sorting things out in therapy. I knew I was right not to expose a baby to all the tension and cr*p when I saw the smirk on sd's face - she was loving putting us through it, seeing her dad worried sick, her sister in floods of tears and me indignant and wondering why nobody else could see what a manipulative little b***h she was being.
Having said that she is now 23 and a mother herself to a wonderful little boy. We have a brilliant relationship as do her sister and I. They both dote on their younger sister who is now 11.
The only advice I can give is persevere. What kept us going was the thought that one day they'll be off your hands and responsible for their own lives, you have as much right as them to be happy and if your partner makes you happy then try to stick it out and eventually it'll just be you two.
Kepp your sense of humour and try to stay united as a couple in the face of nasty manipulating, hormonal, teenagers (AARGH!)
If you need a chat of just some tlc let me know.:-5
Things were tough at times, teenage years were hell. The oldest became such a handful that we were sent for family therapy. I refused to take our youngest who was then about 2 years old and was criticised by the therapist for not being commited to sorting things out in therapy. I knew I was right not to expose a baby to all the tension and cr*p when I saw the smirk on sd's face - she was loving putting us through it, seeing her dad worried sick, her sister in floods of tears and me indignant and wondering why nobody else could see what a manipulative little b***h she was being.
Having said that she is now 23 and a mother herself to a wonderful little boy. We have a brilliant relationship as do her sister and I. They both dote on their younger sister who is now 11.
The only advice I can give is persevere. What kept us going was the thought that one day they'll be off your hands and responsible for their own lives, you have as much right as them to be happy and if your partner makes you happy then try to stick it out and eventually it'll just be you two.
Kepp your sense of humour and try to stay united as a couple in the face of nasty manipulating, hormonal, teenagers (AARGH!)
If you need a chat of just some tlc let me know.:-5
Originally Posted by spot
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
Step-parenting
As hard as it has to be for you and your fiance to deal with, it sounds as if these kids had a horrible time before they were in your care, and there's a strong possibility that they were adversely affected because of that. They are lacking in coping skills and general "how to live" skills and that's something that takes time to instill. At their ages, it makes it even more difficult. I think, though, that your commitment to at least try is what will bring them around, or at lease somewhat aroudn in the long run. Have they had any type of counseling or are they the type that wouldn't respond well to that? (although a skilled counselor/therapist would be able to overcome that lickety split).
My mother passed away smack in the middle of my teen years, and I had a stepmother who was there. I now know that she was only trying to help and be there for my sister and I, but I resented every minute of it, because she wasn't my mother, and she wasn't what I was used to. In addition, I had a strong dislike for stepparents because my stepdad was a rat bastard-wife beater who I couldn't tolerate. I won't even begin to describe the things I put my stepmom and my dad through because of the hepher I was then, but I will say that it was her NEVER giving up that eventually changed my opinions and views, as well as my behavior. Today we have an absolutely terrific relationship, live in the same household as "roomies" and I can talk to her about anything.
Kudos to you for this thread, and I sincerely hope things work out for you!
My mother passed away smack in the middle of my teen years, and I had a stepmother who was there. I now know that she was only trying to help and be there for my sister and I, but I resented every minute of it, because she wasn't my mother, and she wasn't what I was used to. In addition, I had a strong dislike for stepparents because my stepdad was a rat bastard-wife beater who I couldn't tolerate. I won't even begin to describe the things I put my stepmom and my dad through because of the hepher I was then, but I will say that it was her NEVER giving up that eventually changed my opinions and views, as well as my behavior. Today we have an absolutely terrific relationship, live in the same household as "roomies" and I can talk to her about anything.
Kudos to you for this thread, and I sincerely hope things work out for you!
Step-parenting
Imladris wrote: Beagle, just keep doing what you're doing. When I met hubby he was a widower with two daughters aged 7 and 9, all three were still grieving and I jumped into a relationship wearing very rose tinited glasses.
Things were tough at times, teenage years were hell. The oldest became such a handful that we were sent for family therapy. I refused to take our youngest who was then about 2 years old and was criticised by the therapist for not being commited to sorting things out in therapy. I knew I was right not to expose a baby to all the tension and cr*p when I saw the smirk on sd's face - she was loving putting us through it, seeing her dad worried sick, her sister in floods of tears and me indignant and wondering why nobody else could see what a manipulative little b***h she was being.
Having said that she is now 23 and a mother herself to a wonderful little boy. We have a brilliant relationship as do her sister and I. They both dote on their younger sister who is now 11.
The only advice I can give is persevere. What kept us going was the thought that one day they'll be off your hands and responsible for their own lives, you have as much right as them to be happy and if your partner makes you happy then try to stick it out and eventually it'll just be you two.
Kepp your sense of humour and try to stay united as a couple in the face of nasty manipulating, hormonal, teenagers (AARGH!)
If you need a chat of just some tlc let me know.:-5
Thank you SO much Imladris - it sounds as it you know exactly what I was trying to convey. I'm doing my best and both my fiance and I are trying to make a difference in their lives. Our hope is that when they are finally adults, they will look back on this and realize that we were there for them and wanted what was best for their futures. Thanks again for being able to empathize.
Things were tough at times, teenage years were hell. The oldest became such a handful that we were sent for family therapy. I refused to take our youngest who was then about 2 years old and was criticised by the therapist for not being commited to sorting things out in therapy. I knew I was right not to expose a baby to all the tension and cr*p when I saw the smirk on sd's face - she was loving putting us through it, seeing her dad worried sick, her sister in floods of tears and me indignant and wondering why nobody else could see what a manipulative little b***h she was being.
Having said that she is now 23 and a mother herself to a wonderful little boy. We have a brilliant relationship as do her sister and I. They both dote on their younger sister who is now 11.
The only advice I can give is persevere. What kept us going was the thought that one day they'll be off your hands and responsible for their own lives, you have as much right as them to be happy and if your partner makes you happy then try to stick it out and eventually it'll just be you two.
Kepp your sense of humour and try to stay united as a couple in the face of nasty manipulating, hormonal, teenagers (AARGH!)
If you need a chat of just some tlc let me know.:-5
Thank you SO much Imladris - it sounds as it you know exactly what I was trying to convey. I'm doing my best and both my fiance and I are trying to make a difference in their lives. Our hope is that when they are finally adults, they will look back on this and realize that we were there for them and wanted what was best for their futures. Thanks again for being able to empathize.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
Step-parenting
Mystery wrote: As hard as it has to be for you and your fiance to deal with, it sounds as if these kids had a horrible time before they were in your care, and there's a strong possibility that they were adversely affected because of that. They are lacking in coping skills and general "how to live" skills and that's something that takes time to instill. At their ages, it makes it even more difficult. I think, though, that your commitment to at least try is what will bring them around, or at lease somewhat aroudn in the long run. Have they had any type of counseling or are they the type that wouldn't respond well to that? (although a skilled counselor/therapist would be able to overcome that lickety split).
My mother passed away smack in the middle of my teen years, and I had a stepmother who was there. I now know that she was only trying to help and be there for my sister and I, but I resented every minute of it, because she wasn't my mother, and she wasn't what I was used to. In addition, I had a strong dislike for stepparents because my stepdad was a rat bastard-wife beater who I couldn't tolerate. I won't even begin to describe the things I put my stepmom and my dad through because of the hepher I was then, but I will say that it was her NEVER giving up that eventually changed my opinions and views, as well as my behavior. Today we have an absolutely terrific relationship, live in the same household as "roomies" and I can talk to her about anything.
Kudos to you for this thread, and I sincerely hope things work out for you!
Mystery, thank you as well for responding. You also sound as though you understand my train of thought. I'm not a cruel person at all; and we have tried and tried - and we keep trying! His son is currently in counseling; the daughter used to be in counseling (before she lived with us) for a brief time, but she did not benefit much from it. We have not pushed the issue with her since she has been with us, but I am definitely re-thinking that, especially in light of recent events/challenges we are having with her.
As I say in my reply to Imladris, my fiance and I are only hoping that through this, as they grow up, they will be able to look back on this time and realize we were only trying to help. As it is now, they are simply waiting to turn 18 so that they can get out of our house and get back up north to their "friends." I don't have a problem with that either......I won't fight them.......LOL. We have explained to both of them that, while this may not be where they choose to be (and we can accept that), until they are 18, this is their lot in life and we all have to make the best of it.
My mother passed away smack in the middle of my teen years, and I had a stepmother who was there. I now know that she was only trying to help and be there for my sister and I, but I resented every minute of it, because she wasn't my mother, and she wasn't what I was used to. In addition, I had a strong dislike for stepparents because my stepdad was a rat bastard-wife beater who I couldn't tolerate. I won't even begin to describe the things I put my stepmom and my dad through because of the hepher I was then, but I will say that it was her NEVER giving up that eventually changed my opinions and views, as well as my behavior. Today we have an absolutely terrific relationship, live in the same household as "roomies" and I can talk to her about anything.
Kudos to you for this thread, and I sincerely hope things work out for you!
Mystery, thank you as well for responding. You also sound as though you understand my train of thought. I'm not a cruel person at all; and we have tried and tried - and we keep trying! His son is currently in counseling; the daughter used to be in counseling (before she lived with us) for a brief time, but she did not benefit much from it. We have not pushed the issue with her since she has been with us, but I am definitely re-thinking that, especially in light of recent events/challenges we are having with her.
As I say in my reply to Imladris, my fiance and I are only hoping that through this, as they grow up, they will be able to look back on this time and realize we were only trying to help. As it is now, they are simply waiting to turn 18 so that they can get out of our house and get back up north to their "friends." I don't have a problem with that either......I won't fight them.......LOL. We have explained to both of them that, while this may not be where they choose to be (and we can accept that), until they are 18, this is their lot in life and we all have to make the best of it.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.