An Obit

[Chookie]

The Torygraf have recently asked readers to send in a spoof obituary of themselves. I have bent the premise slightly. More examples please.

The House of Pink, as readers will no doubt remember, is a really freaking ancient Royal family dating back to the Pictish conquest of Baylon. The Empress was allegedly born in 1152 AD while her family (largely because her mother did not trust her father out of her sight) was “on Crusade in the Lebanon” (a euphimism for stealing everything which was not nailed down. He aslo stole quite a lot which was nailed down (the theiving bastard took the nails as well)).

In the early 1650's, after her bidie-in Charles I lost his head in poker game, the Empress buggered off to spend a couple of hundred years or so in a harem. She emerged from seclusion in time to spend some time hooring around the Crimea and using what she learned to update what came to be known as “the North Hollow files”

During the Great War, the Empress acted as a spy, using the codename Mata Hari. Historians will remember that a person known by that name was executed by the Germans. That person, however was not the Empress. She had previously conned an Irish washing woman named Betty Burke into taking over for a week while she – the Empress – took part in an orgy details of which are, sadly, lost to history.

Pinky, as she allowed the peasantry and her subjects to call her (as long as they grovelled adequately) was one of the richest women in the world, her wealth even exceeded that of Baroness Senga MacPincher of Inverfarragiggle. So wealthy was she that Bill Gates kept sending her begging letters

The cause of death was the destruction of a portait which was hidden in a secure place. That place may have been secure but it was not fireproof.

The Empress is survived by one Igor, one Golem, three mix 'n match canines, and her clone which she kept chained up in the oubliette.

The clone will inherit the title and Pinkys' squillions.

[KB.]

This could be fun; it is the kind of macabre thing I like. I'm having a moment of clarity while working on something else, but when it ends I will do one for myself.