Cheating Wife

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Sep 14, 2004 1:48 pm

blahh65432 wrote: Recently caught my wife commiting adultery with a one of her coworkers. I have yet to confront his wife with my findings. Does anyone think she should know? I have her phone number but dont want my wife to find out I called her.

In the end, you would be the one that came out looking like the bad guy.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Sep 14, 2004 9:21 pm

Fab404now wrote: As you may be feeling hurt and angry and not wanting to be the only "victim", you might think it your place to tell the other spouse. I did...but it ultimately caused more pain for all. You have enough to deal with without involving the other couple.

I agree. The wife probably knew or suspected something, but is in denial. I seriously doubt that she would believe you if you told her.

pattybug52 · Post by **pattybug52** » Tue Sep 14, 2004 10:17 pm

having been thru this a couple times here is what I can relate. The first husband I had that was cheating-everyone tried to tell me but wouldn't listen. However later in years when a partner was cheating and was not told was upset no one told me-the third relationship-someone did and I was very glad they did-broke it off right then and there and glad it hadn't dragged out like the others. However you would think after 2 I would see the signs-right?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Wed Sep 15, 2004 2:56 am

blahh65432 wrote: Recently caught my wife commiting adultery with a one of her coworkers. I have yet to confront his wife with my findings. Does anyone think she should know? I have her phone number but dont want my wife to find out I called her.

Yes, you should tell her. She has the right to know. I shouldn't "confront"

her, though, she probably hasn't been actively encouraging this affaire.

Why don't you want your wife to know that you have told this man's wife?

What are you going to do about your wife, as a matter of interest?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Sep 15, 2004 6:00 am

she gave me a story of going out with some friends, I knew better

My point exactly. His wife probably knows better too, but chooses not to know for sure.

If you send an email, she can just print it out and your wife will still know. If you want to work it out, you both need to stop sneaking around doing things.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Sep 15, 2004 6:12 am

As someone that's been in your shoes, here is a few things to keep in mind.

#1 You're not going to be able to forgive and forget that easily. It takes time, but the forgiveness comes. You'll never forget, but eventually you'll stop thinking about it every day.

#2 It takes 2 for it to work. Are you planning on going to counselling too? As the person hurt most by this, you may need it worse than she does.

#3 Don't let all the blame fall on you. Too often they try "if you had paid more attention", "if you were there more", etc. SHE chose how to handle it, a terrible choice, not you.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Sep 15, 2004 4:04 pm

Once she has all the credit cards maxed? Does she have a spending problem? I'm thinking I would cut out the credit cards before she has a chance to max them out. Why does she feel the need to hide what she spends?

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Sep 16, 2004 5:45 am

I have no idea how divorce works in the 'States, but:

Secrets and lying are a bad sign. Are you sure this affaire has not been going

on for longer/has stopped?

Running up debts is also a bad sign. Are you liable for your wife's debts? Is

a 50:50 split of assets normal, or offset due to the short length of marriage?

What about your son? Can she care for him adequately? I take it she will

have him living with her.

It is as well to split up *amicably* if at all possible. Reign in your feelings

if possible. Keep a diary. Collect evidence if need be. Do not, even if you are

extremely provoked, do anything violent to property or person.

Other stuff comes to mind, but shtum for a while.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Sep 16, 2004 6:51 am

I agree with Bill. I'd be finding out for sure if I'd be responsible for her debts. There's a lot of lawyers who will give free consultations and I'd call the credit card companies a call too and ask their policies. Better to be safe than sorry.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 10:58 am

i would be aware and gather more damaging evidence about the affair, otherwise, go away yourself and not go home, fragrance some womans panies and place them in your vehicle, then ask your wife, to get something from your vehicle? give her a taste of her own medicine? get something going to bring it on out.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 10:58 am

i would be aware and gather more damaging evidence about the affair, otherwise, go away yourself and not go home, fragrance some womans panies and place them in your vehicle, then ask your wife, to get something from your vehicle? give her a taste of her own medicine? get something going to bring it on out. :sneaky: :sneaky:

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 3:09 pm

I still would call the credit card companies on their policies and get them in writing. Although Our divorce papers said he was responsible for all bills, I still got stuck with some and the lawyers could do nothing. Cover your butt!

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 5:03 am

blahh65432 wrote: I have yet to confront his wife with my findings.

Why do you want to confront his wife? Presently this matter is between you and your wife. First you must analyse why your wife felt the need of developing such a relationship with someone other than you. Try to be nonpartisan. The result will tell you what your next step should be. Don't take any decision in hurry. Two families and four people are involved.

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 8:18 am

blahh65432 wrote: I have told her if she really loved me and wanted us to work as a family she would have to quit her job and have no further contact with him at all. Think I am wrong?

No, I don't think you are wrong. You have taken a right stand. She should appreciate your wish to keep the family together. Now the ball is in her court. You can only pray to God to give her strength to come out of this situation, which most probably is of her own making.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:50 pm

once a cheater always, let her go, she has a problem, (Just Not Satisfied!) let go, its okay, cheats don't change, until it happens to them, ....

:sneaky: :wah:

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 3:34 pm

Paula wrote: once a cheater always, let her go, she has a problem, (Just Not Satisfied!) let go, its okay, cheats don't change, until it happens to them, ....

:sneaky: :wah:

Wrong! They sometimes learn their lesson when they leave and find out they are really miserable with the other person and miss their spouse terribly. Not usually the case, but it is sometimes.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:27 am

it is a matter of opinion, you cannot trust a person who cheats? i want to be treated as i treat my spouse, if not, they can leave...bye, bye. apparently we were not meaningful to begin with to - commit adultery? i though the brain & heart we located on the upper half of the human torso?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:33 am

Paula wrote: it is a matter of opinion, you cannot trust a person who cheats? i want to be treated as i treat my spouse, if not, they can leave...bye, bye. apparently we were not meaningful to begin with to - commit adultery? i though the brain & heart we located on the upper half of the human torso?

I don't understand this post - what is it about? What does it mean??

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:59 am

blahh65432 wrote: Exactly. I have given 3 days to her with the quit or get a divorce. She keeps insiting she loves her job. I keep telling her that there has to be more to it too keep her job since it allows her to have full contact with him still.

she just retaliates and says he is " A Friend"

It doesn't sound at all good to me. Not from any point of view.

blahh65432 wrote: I told her today is the last day, either quit or have a nice life with him without her son and husband.

IMO if you need to resort to this tactic, then she doesn't care much for your

marriage - she must surely see how much distress this is causing you, and

if she *did* care, she'd stop it. It suggests to me you haven't much hope - and

if you did get a result, would you be happier in a few years' time than you would be if you split up now? N.B. you *both* have a son.

blahh65432 wrote: I also wanted her to obtain medical record for the last 2 month. She stated she had cancer and went through treatment supposibly! I was never allow to come with her to any appointment, and she never had any iv marks or stints. And her dr got really upset with her when i called to find out what was going on. stupid privacy act wont allow me access since she refused it to me.

If she chooses to fight it out, im sure a court order can obtain medical records.

One might have thought that if she'd got cancer, your relationship would have meant that she'd have wanted your support, and that you would have been most willing to give it. The facts as presented seem to suggest that it was a lie - if so, in my opinion it was a singularly repulsive one.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Sep 30, 2004 3:34 pm

Nothing suprises me. I know a guy whose wife at the time told him she was being treated for a yeast infection when she had an abortion behind his back. People can be very ignorant.

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:17 pm

jaycee wrote: Let me get this right........she 'pretended' to have cancer? OMG, I can't believe someone would tell a lie like that.

I am still wondering why she is doing this - cheating her husband by having an illicit relationship, when caught telling a lie that she has cancer, calling her relationship with that person only friendship? When the husband brought it her notice she should have felt remorseful and assured him appropriate corrective action. But she is only working to break the marriage. What are her compulsions for doing this? I feel that an attempt should be made to find out answers to these questions. People unite in marriage in the name of God. Such relationship should be preserved and not allowed to be broken.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Fri Oct 01, 2004 4:14 am

i was unaware of the lies, get rid of her now, no time for this crap...

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 6:20 am

yes young women do get emotionally ripped up, i say (Woman Power) is the way to go, he needs his a$$ kicked, and the diseases well, that is disgusting. I would say keep the h&!! OUT. :wah:

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 11:58 am

Sorry to hear how things are turning out for you. You are right though, things will get easier. Good luck to you.

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 8:29 pm

blahh65432 wrote: ....Life gets better and will get better once I do not have daily contact with her anymore. What sucks the most is I being the innocent party has to uproot my life and move because of what she has done.....

I really feel sorry for her. Her existence has become so painful for her husband that he feels that life will get better once he does not have daily contact with her anymore. What is the purpose of life for such a person? God is really unhappy with her.

Other day I was seeing a programme on TV. The hero says that around every good person some bad persons will be found. The reason for this is that these bad people survive because of the goodness of good people. Your wife cheats and you suffer.

I don't know whether you believe in re-birth. But as a Hindu I find an explanation for your sufferings. In this life you have not done harm to anyone but still you suffer. It must be the result of your acts in a previous birth. Take the situation as it comes and work with all your might to make it favourable to you.

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 8:35 pm

LexusWinter wrote: I don't believe you should notify the other party involved. As previously mentioned, why cause pain to the other individual.....

A very nice advice. One should not be a cause of pain to others. Everyone of us is responsible for our acts and will get the reward or punishment sooner or later. Why cause misery to others and increase the punishment?

pattybug52 · Post by **pattybug52** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 9:01 pm

Suresh-is that the same thing as Karma?

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 9:36 pm

pattybug52 wrote: Suresh-is that the same thing as Karma?

Yes, our Karma affects every aspect of life, not only in this birth but in preveious births and future births also. The situations which come before us are the result of our Karma in previous births (known as Parmaratha). We have no control on these situations. These situations will come whether we like them or not. But God has gifted us with strengths to turn these situations in our favour. How we handle these situations to turn them in our favour is our Karma in this birth (known as Purushartha). The Purushartha shpaes our present birth and determines our future births. Human life is like a bank passbook which has both credits and debits entries. Our aim should be to increase amount on credit side. More credit means we are more near to God.

Hopalong · Post by **Hopalong** » Wed Oct 13, 2004 2:24 pm

Having read through most of the responses I did not find one that suggested the obvious point that for his wife to have behaved as he has described , she was sending him one important message. -- That she did not love him anymore.

Having experianced a very similar situation in my first marriage , I found that denial is your worst enemy. Once you admit to your self that that person does not love you , it is then possible to move forward and away from the pain. All of the counciling in the world can not alter that reality. I think he has made that leap of faith and was glad to see that he was persuing a divorce. Its probably safe to say that the relationship is over and to believe it still lives is futile. I wish him much luck with his future and he should know that there is happiness to be found.

PS - It is often the case that the pain caused by the cheater is returned to them by another. He does not need to inform the other wife - she will likely find out eventually anyway.

Suresh Gupta · Post by **Suresh Gupta** » Wed Oct 13, 2004 8:58 pm

Hopalong wrote: ...She was sending him one important message -- that she did not love him anymore.

Your post is a very nice way of putting the problem in a practical format. With your personal experience, I can see that it is a very good suggestion for the people finding themselves in such situations. But I am a little confused regarding the manner in which she had sent the message that she did not love him anymore. Was cheating the only way to convey this message?

Hopalong · Post by **Hopalong** » Thu Oct 14, 2004 12:30 pm

In reply to Suresh -

Certainly there were other ways to tell him she didn't care. But thats just the point - she didn't care and she lied to avoid telling the truth about her true fellings for him. The message was obvious - Our actions will eventually reveal our true fellings. He has faced reality and I respect him for his courage and the integrity he has shown in making what is a most difficult and painful decision.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Oct 28, 2004 7:38 pm

Any updates blahh?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 3:20 pm

Glad things are looking up for you. Be strong!

vampress.rozz · Post by **vampress.rozz** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 9:13 pm

I hope everything has worked out for you and your son. Im glad you had the strength to leave her.