ForumGarden

scholle-kid;1117651 wrote: Sunday Morning at Church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express

praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have praise. Two

months ago, my husband, J im ,

had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and

the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an

audible gasp from the men in the

congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She

continued, 'Jim was unable to

hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We

prayed as the doctors performed

a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed

remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap

wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the

congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they

imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now,

Jim is out of the hospital and the

doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the

men sighed with relief. The pastor

rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man

rose and walked to the podium. He

said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'


LOL, :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Odie;1117927 wrote:






:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


that is so cute! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6;1118155 wrote: that is so cute! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


glad my dog made you smile!

Leave me alone;1117141 wrote: A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when one of the actors shouted "he's behind you".


Magnificent - that one I'll have to remember :yh_rotfl

Odie;1118325 wrote: glad my dog made you smile!







those frogs are awfully cute too!

A man doing market research for the Apex Vaseline Company knocked on a random house door. And was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said "I'm doing some research for the Apex Vaseline company. Have you ever used our product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain, or to help with a squeeky gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

He said, since you've been so frank with your answer, I wonder if you would be so kind as to tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.



My husband and I put it on the "door knob" and it keeps the kids out."

cars;1121190 wrote: A man doing market research for the Apex Vaseline Company knocked on a random house door. And was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said "I'm doing some research for the Apex Vaseline company. Have you ever used our product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain, or to help with a squeeky gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

He said, since you've been so frank with your answer, I wonder if you would be so kind as to tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.



My husband and I put it on the "door knob" and it keeps the kids out."




good one!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Al Qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti. Ba**ards! If they go off, they could spell disaster.

My doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

AT THE RODEO!



A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of

Breeding Bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year". The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year". The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him!"

They walked further and a third pen with a bull had a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day, you REALY could learn something from this one!"



The husband looked at his wife and said, Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time." :p:D:wah:

cars;1121190 wrote: A man doing market research for the Apex Vaseline Company knocked on a random house door. And was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.



He said "I'm doing some research for the Apex Vaseline company. Have you ever used our product?"



She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."



"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"



"We use it for sex," she said.



The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain, or to help with a squeeky gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.



He said, since you've been so frank with your answer, I wonder if you would be so kind as to tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"



The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.





My husband and I put it on the "door knob" and it keeps the kids out."
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

A man breaks wind on the train.

Another passenger says to him 'how dare you phart in front of my wife!!'

The man says ' I'm terribly sorry but i didn't know it was her turn'.

oscar;1122200 wrote: A man breaks wind on the train.

Another passenger says to him 'how dare you phart in front of my wife!!'

The man says ' I'm terribly sorry but i didn't know it was her turn'.
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

oscar;1122200 wrote: A man breaks wind on the train.

Another passenger says to him 'how dare you phart in front of my wife!!'

The man says ' I'm terribly sorry but i didn't know it was her turn'.


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

cars;1115755 wrote: This guy checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely.



So he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".



He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.



She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.



No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.



I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.



Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic;

>

>

>

>

But for an outside line you need to press 9".




:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

This thread is great, I am really enjoy the laughs

Thanks for putting up such great stuff guys! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

MAKING A BABY...



There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and

decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.



On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.. Smith

kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;

The man should be here soon."



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.



Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs.. Smith cut in,

embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."



"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,

that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"



"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat"



After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where

do we start?"



"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the

bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple

on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is

fun. You can really spread out there."



"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't

work out for Harry and me!"



"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one

every time. But if we try several different

positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results."



"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs.. Smith.



"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his

time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,

but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."



"Don't I know it," said Mrs.. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled

out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was

done on the top of a bus," he said.



"Oh my God!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -

when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."



"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.



"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to

the park to get the job done right. People were

crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."



"Four and five deep?" said Mrs.. Smith, her eyes

wide with amazement.



"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more

than three hours, too.



The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -

I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached

I had to rush my shots.

Finally! , when the squirrels began nibbling on my

equipment, I just had to pack it all in."



Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they

actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"



"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,

I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."



"Tripod?"



"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my

Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the

hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted.........

oscar;1122200 wrote: A man breaks wind on the train.

Another passenger says to him 'how dare you phart in front of my wife!!'

The man says ' I'm terribly sorry but i didn't know it was her turn'.


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

scholle-kid;1122654 wrote: MAKING A BABY...



There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and

decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.



On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.. Smith

kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;

The man should be here soon."



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.



Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''



Oh, no need to explain," Mrs.. Smith cut in,

embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."



"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,

that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"



"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat"



After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where

do we start?"



"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the

bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple

on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is

fun. You can really spread out there."



"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't

work out for Harry and me!"



"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one

every time. But if we try several different

positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results."



"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs.. Smith.



"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his

time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,

but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."



"Don't I know it," said Mrs.. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled

out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was

done on the top of a bus," he said.



"Oh my God!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -

when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."



"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.



"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to

the park to get the job done right. People were

crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."



"Four and five deep?" said Mrs.. Smith, her eyes

wide with amazement.



"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more

than three hours, too.



The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -

I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached

I had to rush my shots.



Finally! , when the squirrels began nibbling on my

equipment, I just had to pack it all in."



Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they

actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"



"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,

I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."



"Tripod?"



"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my

Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the

hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted.........
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Something to Cheer You Up



When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On

your way home from work,

stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer

section and purchase a

rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be sure you get this brand. When you get home,

lock your doors, draw the

curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not

be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit

in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,

carefully place it on a

table, or a surface so that it will not become

chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins: Take out the

literature from the box and read

it carefully. You will notice that in small print

there is a statement:

Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

is personally tested, and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five

times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer

quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.



Have a nice day and remember, "There is always

someone with a job that is worse than yours."

:p :p:o

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

scholle-kid;1122935 wrote: Something to Cheer You Up



When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On

your way home from work,

stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer

section and purchase a

rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be sure you get this brand. When you get home,

lock your doors, draw the

curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not

be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit

in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,

carefully place it on a

table, or a surface so that it will not become

chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins: Take out the

literature from the box and read

it carefully. You will notice that in small print

there is a statement:

Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

is personally tested, and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five

times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer

quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.



Have a nice day and remember, "There is always

someone with a job that is worse than yours."

:p :p:o

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


:eek::eek:

A woman heard something scratching at the door. When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors' pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors' backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage. They would never suspect what really happened.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, "Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?" Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, "Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?" He said, "Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections!

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to

go home & wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave.

He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." :wah:

cars;1123489 wrote: A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections!

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to

go home & wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave.

He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." :wah:




alrighty!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

cars;1123489 wrote: A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.



He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections!



One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to

go home & wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave.



He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,



"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." :wah:
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

scholle-kid;1123695 wrote: A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

A Telephone conversation goes like this:



"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony.

He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house in great numbers. They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no Cocaine.

They swore at Tony and left.

A little later The phone rang at Tony's house.

"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"They sure did."

"Happy Birthday, mate."

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

This blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

Doc says: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip 3 days, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

Well when the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, why that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 5th day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"No, from all that skipping."

Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle

Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it

Daddy."

"And what happened honey? He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

just read my sigy!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

(OK Not really that funny, but nice)

cars;1126986 wrote: Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle

Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it

Daddy."

"And what happened honey? He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"


OMG!!!!! :yh_rotfl

mikeinie;1127025 wrote: A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

(OK Not really that funny, but nice)


awwww thats sweet! :-4

Hope6;1124610 wrote: A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.




omg!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Odie;1128308 wrote: omg!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


i know! that was my reaction too! :yh_rotfl

THE TAX MAN COMETH :

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick. :wah::D:p

cars;1129783 wrote: THE TAX MAN COMETH :

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick. :wah::D:p


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"





:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

His elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your woody is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Bill worked in a pickle factory.



He had been employed there for a number of years, when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.



He had an urge to stick his woody into the pickle slicer.



His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.



He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.



'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my woody into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened? '

'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'



'Oh...she got fired too.':D:p:wah:

cars;1136003 wrote: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

His elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your woody is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

This is why we are not supposed to have children when we get older¦¦¦



Childbirth at 65



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRI ES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'







'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

cars;1141560 wrote: This is why we are not supposed to have children when we get older¦¦¦



Childbirth at 65



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRI ES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'







'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

cars;1141560 wrote: This is why we are not supposed to have children when we get older¦¦¦



Childbirth at 65



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRI ES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'







'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl