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SnoozeControl;500236 wrote: That was me you're referring to... I mentioned I don't need anyone's sympathy.



I've heard someone else's story (not mentioned here) about having her head bashed against the pavement while the sicko abused her... my story is benign compared to that.


SnoozeControl;500237 wrote: No offense, but smilies are really inappropriate in this context.




Snooze,



The smilies were for Pinky personally to make it known that I was for failing to quote the proper post I was referring to and the was to make it known I was being friendly. I am sure you would not attribute such callousness to me as to think I would laugh at or take light of this issue by using smilies. I deserve more credit than that.



Regarding comparing your story with the other person's, that is your personal call but I don't judge. Having your head bashed about is certainly terrible but I am not one to compare horror stories. My comment on sympathy was only because it semeed to be misconstrued as having pity on someone. That's how I took your comment to mean.



Pinky, you're not a div. Not at all! But I'l do as you ask and forget about this thread.

RedGlitter;500221 wrote: I am not understanding the comments about not accepting people's sympathy. I'm not sure why offense has been taken. Surely you know the difference between sympathy and pity? I don't think anyone here pities any of you. You are not pathetic and don't deserve pity. But please understand that when sympathy is offered it doesn't victimize you. What the hell else would you want us to say about such a heinous act committed upon you or another??




Maybe thats not to be questioned. Its a personal violation and I doubt any reaction would be a wrong one.

Sometimes hearing about other people's experiences helps because you think "well, guess I didn't have it that bad" but it can be harmful as well if you let yourself believe that you don't have the right to feel abused because the guy didn't bash your head into the ground at the same time. If you hurt you hurt. You could also say that the one getting her head bashed at least can't look at it later and think she didn't fight hard enough. You know what I mean? But comparison is not really that useful in the end. The healing has to happen on many levels. For me, I won't consider myself healed until it the experience doesn't affect the rest of my life. I like to know why I do things and refuse to just be a bundle of reactions. That's what motivates me to talk about it. It gets it out of my head where I can turn things around and make sense of them.

I believe talking about it is the best way to leave it behind. But I'm not pushing anyone to talk. It's all about readiness and timing. I hope when people do talk they find someone who is patient, compassionate and supportive. If this thread helps even a single person then it's worth it.

Magenta flame;500673 wrote:







redglitter , my comment "about sympathy" was directed to a certain individuals' comment of me and I responded in kind. It had nothing to do with the rest of you here.


Thanks, Magenta. My comment came off weird because I was posting emotionally. All I meant to say was I do feel sympathy for any rape victim but I certainly do not think less of them or look down upon them in any way.

Magenta flame;500673 wrote:

redglitter , my comment "about sympathy" was directed to a certain individuals' comment of me and I responded in kind. It had nothing to do with the rest of you here.


Do keep in mind that the poster you are referring to had just poured a bit of his own heart out and shared his own story. Perhaps you read a bit more into his response than was there. I'd like to think that everyone in this thread is here to help and sincerely believe that is the truth.

Magenta flame;500700 wrote: I was just stating my case ....As I have a right to do so.

Ok lets get on with this.

The first time I was raped I was eight years old....this continued until I was twelve.

It was a brother-in-law. Unbeknownst to me at the time he was also raping his own children


And where is he now? How is his life going?

Magenta flame;500714 wrote: He's a sad 52 year old living alone in his dead parents house and everybody knows what he has done. And I mean everybody...........he does not see his children or his grandchildren EVER and probably doesn't even know a couple of them excist (which is ok by us) and he doesn't have any friends.

:wah:

he still lives just around the corner from mum and dads, his way of thinking he's intimidating us but it has over the years backfired terribly :wah:


Magenta was he ever convicted for what he did.

Magenta flame;500714 wrote: He's a sad 52 year old living alone in his dead parents house and everybody knows what he has done. And I mean everybody...........he does not see his children or his grandchildren EVER and probably doesn't even know a couple of them excist (which is ok by us) and he doesn't have any friends.

:wah:

he still lives just around the corner from mum and dads, his way of thinking he's intimidating us but it has over the years backfired terribly :wah:


So he lives with his own misery

Even though he deserves much worse

An interesting, imo, scenario that I experienced was when a "friend" of a "friend" raped me.

My friend believed me. In fact, the bloke admitted he did it. My friend didn't want me to bring it up again as he didn't want to have to choose loyalties. I was expected to be able to sit and have a drink in the same room as the guy because everyone knew he was an ass and that was apparently all that needed to be said.

koan;500755 wrote: An interesting, imo, scenario that I experienced was when a "friend" of a "friend" raped me.

My friend believed me. In fact, the bloke admitted he did it. My friend didn't want me to bring it up again as he didn't want to have to choose loyalties. I was expected to be able to sit and have a drink in the same room as the guy because everyone knew he was an ass and that was apparently all that needed to be said.


That's brutal.

That's when you have to respect yourself and say, "NO #$%^&*@!! WAY!!"

Magenta flame;500758 wrote: I think that says more about your friend than your friends friend. what a barstard.


Succinctly stated :-6

I've never asked anyone to choose sides and didn't feel like starting. It seemed to me there should only have been one side...

What really got me was when he invited the guy to my house one night. Without asking me. And I was too shocked to say anything. I just sat there... oh, handed the guy a beer. At least it wasn't my beer.

I still talk to the "friend" but the more time that goes by the harder it is for me to understand. Because the "friend" actually does seem to care about me. He just has limited logic?

It's a nasty message to give a friend though. Implying that their rape wasn't really important enough to react to.

It kind of leads into a second question.

Should all rapes be reported? If the victim just wants to move on is it more important to file a report on it so that the person can't strike again with someone else? I've never reported a rape and it has happened a number of times. I felt it was in my best interest to just move on. But have I failed society somehow by not seeking justice? Is justice something bigger and more important than a victim's needs?

As to my friend, most of the people I know are acquaintances not friends. He became an acquaintance. There are many reasons in life, imo, to learn to remain civil to those who lost my respect. Sometimes being polite is a far bigger statement than cursing. Kind of like Eddie Murphy's bit "No, that's fine. Why don't you just... go to sleep?"

The first time I was 19. I was studying Industrial Design and had to draw natural landscapes. So I went to this huge park and found a quiet spot by a stream. A lower class man was there, and he very humbly offered to show me some wonderful spot to draw uphill. Once there his tone changed, he produced a knife, held it to my neck, raped, robbed, and threatened me not to talk about it.

Once left alone I tried to laugh it off. Tried to consider that the only real loss was that of my watch and money, that he had taken.

The second time I was maybe 20 and was hanging out with some friends (we all did alcohol and marijuana at the time; I was supposedly in love with one of them, but he wanted “freedom”) at a coastal town. We spent that night at the house of some "friends" we had just met, and the next morning one of them offered to take me to town through the woods. Once there, same story, he produced a knife and forced me to the ground. I feigned submission and once his tongue was inside my mouth I bit it hard. His eyes widened in surprise and pain; and he threatened to cut my face. So, he then raped me. Then we walked to town, and later I cried to my friends’ shoulders, and nobody did a thing. As it had just been a misdemeanor.

The third time I was 21 or 22 and had been drinking with a man I was really attracted to (I believed it was love) and only saw occasionally, plus some of his friends. That night he casually mentioned that he was married. We had “a talk” and he gently rejected me; ours had only been an adventure for him. We all continued to drink and I lost consciousness. I woke up in a hospital, the cops had found me in the street, drunk. The male nurse who gave me the news was very annoying. My zipper was broken, a sanitary napkin that wasn‘t there the night before was between my legs, and one of my contact lenses was hidden in the corner of my eye (I thought that I had lost it, and I was poor). Then amidst all the confusion I recalled a scene from that night: that nurse running his hand over my belly, which arched under the hospital light, and he telling a colleague “Look at this! I'm gonna..." and then jumping over me.

I went home begging the bus driver to carry me for free (my money had been stolen), waited the rest of the night in an empty lot so I could return home in the morning; had decided to kill myself. Fortunately after breakfast that decision changed... Nobody deserves that fate.

And the last time I was 31, and went with a “friend” (who was only into himself) to a neighboring country to try some exotic psychedelic drug with the natives who live there in the jungle. And when I was fully into the trance, completely submissive to what this “wise shaman” had to tell me or do to me, he started to caress me and then took me to some place at a distance from his hut. I barely could walk and was entirely dependent on him. My "friend" was of course out of this world and to this day ignores what happened to me (not that I see him anymore though). The worst part is that after the rape, and for many years to follow, I took again the “no big deal” attitude.

But they all have been big deals, and I fail to express how much rancor and impotence you feel, and probably will feel until the end of days.

And how women find themselves tricked by society into believing that they can behave like men (“go to the park, go out drinking, go the jungle, have experiences, live your life to the fullest!”, hah!), and then their hands (or mouths) are tied by that same society: the shame, time lost, and uselessness of any complaint. And I’m not even counting the times that a “boyfriend” forced me into anal sex.

And then I’ve seen in other forums how people advice raped women to "get counseling”. On top of it all, *we* should invest money to fix things up?? That seems very unfair. We’ll find our ways out of it.... Certainly I've found my way out of fake friendships, drugs and alcohol, into which I fell in the first place because I never had a family: raised by strangers in a very confusing family situation, molested as a child by an old man who lived in the house... No guidance ever, except my own, but I tell you, my own guidance has been improving

Telling things in a public forum like this one is a form of release. I’ve never told anyone this detailed story before in a person to person situation, but that will come too.

No words to say just feelings to feel...

Im at a complete loss as to what to say after just reading that but felt it rude of me to read and not say anything...

I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that, Antonia. You're very strong to have made it through and be able to tell it all so bluntly.

I agree that telling the story helps a little more each time. Telling people face to face can often be disappointing. I find people never really know what to say or do, especially if they haven't been through it themselves. Nevertheless, the more times I tell the story the less effect it seems to have on me.

btw, welcome to FG