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Hamster wrote: Dear Doctor.... Please can you help??

Can you explain why men speak a completely different language to us ladies? And can you recommend a good translation text??

Thank you soooo much!


To get back to the original question, yes when Men and Women are in relatioships they do use language differently. I beleive this an evolutionary tactic that has been developed by our species in order to enable us to ignore the obvious farce that we know as human sexual relationships. Being a man I am not great at identifying the male oxymorons, but the female ones I am fairly familiar with. Here are a few examples including typical things that a woman might say and what she actually means.

1. What do you think of these shoes? = Do you still find me attractive you untrustworthy lecher?

2. It fine = It certainly is not fine!

3. I'm going out with the girls = you are not making me happy and I'm off to flirt with more attractive potential sexual partners.

4. Don't worry it happens all the time = You are crap at sex, you loser.

5. Lets talk = sit down, shut up, and agree with everything I say for the next 4 hours or it will be number 3 again.

Okay lets try a couple of the men ones.

1. I'm going out with me mates = I'm going out with me mates.

2. I wasn't looking at her = sh*t I've been nabbed.

3. Don't worry it'll be alright = I don't have a clue what to do next.

4. Of course I love you = stop talking about the relationship, its boring.

5. I'm sorry love = This is serious, I can't remember what I did, why did I have those last 17 pints?

SnoozeControl wrote: :wah:

I especially liked this one for some reason:


I'm hope you havn't had to use that one too often. I'm sure it must get irritating.

ArnoldLayne wrote: I didnt understand that one :rolleyes:


Of course not arnold, after all your doppleganger did win the Round-Britain "astounding super-lover" competition held in the Isle of Wight last year and he must have picked up a few tips from yourself, I'm afraid most men are not so fortunate.

Hamster wrote: Wise advice as always Dr.... But one more (if you please) to translate:

"I always feel so comfortable with you"...Used by men?????


Oh that one, well I think it means "it is so convienient the way we can sleep with each other and I don't have to make any romantic effort" or words to that effect.

SnoozeControl wrote: Dear Dr Galbally,

What time of year is this competition and can you suggest any places to stay while there?


Oh late september I think, and apparently its very hard to get accomodation, though Halfords do very good deals on 2-man pop-up (forgive the pun) tents. I think a local farmer will rent you a quarter acre for the duration of the "astounding british super-lover" festival, though it doesn't last that long, as being British the contestants have far more important things like gardening to be getting on with.

P.S. The Isle of Wight is actually an island, this is important apparently.

Hamster wrote: Aha! Thank you once again-wise Dr...

Enlightenment dawns!!

Anything else I should be aware of?? What if a fella offers you sex on the beach??

Its a cocktail..I hope!! Should I accept?


It is indeed a cocktail, though it might actually be just sexual intercourse on the said beach, particulary if he asks you when you are actually on the beach and he is naked. Otherwise its fine as long as you like cocktails. However, if he mentions anything about popping upstairs to have a look at his coin collection, or charcoal etchings you should retreat immeadiatly.

ArnoldLayne wrote: Just to let you all know. Galbally is lending me a face. He has one tucked away in the back of his wardrobe.



Dont ask ! thats all you need to know :wah:


Never mind the face Arnie, it's the Irish accent you need to borrow :-4

ArnoldLayne wrote: Just to let you all know. Galbally is lending me a face. He has one tucked away in the back of his wardrobe.

Dont ask ! thats all you need to know :wah:


Thats torn it, now they will all want one, I don't have that many to go round!

Hamster wrote: Now I am really intrigued!!!:D :sneaky:


Its cool, don't worry I er, lend people old faces from me wardrobe all the time, its part of the whole er, conselling thing, yeah thats it, its like a professional thing and that, don't say nothng to the coppers, thats all. Not that I worry about the police being interesting in my activities, I don't have anything to hide, well, some things I suppose, but Im saying nothing.

Betty Boop wrote: Never mind the face Arnie, it's the Irish accent you need to borrow :-4


Ahh Shure Begod and Begorrah and bedazzle me shamrock socks but Oi downt haave aan aaceent ath ahhlll.

Seriously though it is amazing how popular the bit of brougue is, though I'm sick of listening to it, but sure there's nothin I can do bouht thhhat nhow, .....here I go again.

ArnoldLayne wrote: Oi already have the craic


Bejaysus hei's nuttin onli a tru oirish maan or whhat?

Okay thats enough sham-rockery for tonight.

ArnoldLayne wrote: Well if you are handing them out like sweets, remember, mines a rugged, masculine, good looking one. One that has the ladies swooning before me. Oh hang on I've got one of them.

Snooze is bound to want one. Hers is an *arse face* if you have one


Indeed, that mitigate the problem of having to find you a substitute moniker from the back of the wardrobe, though I am probably going to have to get some spares in from some dodgy country where faces are cheap and plentiful to cope with the demands from other FG'ers. As for snooze and the arse face, i shall wait and see what she says.

Right I have to go out on a house call for about an hour, try to all be nice to each other and don't burn the surgery down while I'm away.

Dear Dr. Gal,

I am writing this on behalf of my cousin who happens to be in stir...er...away at the moment. She heard about this contest for 'astounding super lovers' and she asked me to find out if that is open to all sorts, including convicted felons? Also, would you be able to obtain a registration form for her and possibly make it possible for her to participate?

Awaiting your reply,

Sweet Charity

Galbally wrote: Ahh Shure Begod and Begorrah and bedazzle me shamrock socks but Oi downt haave aan aaceent ath ahhlll.






Swoooon............:-4

ArnoldLayne wrote: I'm not happy with being fobbed off with one of your cheap foreign imports. I'll have to go to the Army Surplus Stores and get me self a Japanese Admirals outfit so I dont look out of place


Yes that would actually be good, make it one circa 1942, south china sea fleet if you could. Thanks arnold, it helps when patients are co-operative.

Zapata wrote: Dear Dr. Gal,

I am writing this on behalf of my cousin who happens to be in stir...er...away at the moment. She heard about this contest for 'astounding super lovers' and she asked me to find out if that is open to all sorts, including convicted felons? Also, would you be able to obtain a registration form for her and possibly make it possible for her to participate?

Awaiting your reply,

Sweet Charity


Interestingly there never does seem to be a shortage of female entrants for this as before-little publicized event, I seem to have blown its cover as it were. I am sure that special circumstances could be taken into consideration for your (ahem) cousin. Perhaps a live web-cam feed from the conjugal trailer things that they have in certain prisons in america (unless the simpsons are lying) could be sorted out, and they cud fly one of the "round-britain astounding super lovers" to erm, participate in the American penal (no pun) system segment of the competition. It could be whole new international dimension, which is something that has been frowned upon apparently since the tragic 1965 contest with the swiss team and that exploding cheese, but I'm sure you must know about that already. Anyway, I shall see if its possible.

Betty Boop wrote: Swoooon............:-4


You find that sexy? I am obviously living on the wrong Island.

Pinky wrote: Oh Betty, you love the accent too? Clear a space on the floor, I'm swooning too. (I'll try not to land on robo-dog this time, lol!)


Okay thats it, I'm re-immigrating, (or is it emigrating) back to Britain, going on this reaction it will improve my love life if nothing else.

SnoozeControl wrote: I've already got my own arseface, why would I want another one?


You do yourself a diservice my dear lady, you are obviously confusing yourself with Margot Kidder, who used to be nice looking, but then I think the surgery went wrong, or maybe superman kissed her too hard, or maybe it was the booze. In any case, whoops.

I prefer to keep my climactic episodes private, though I am glad that someone is at least having fun with a bottle of wine.

SnoozeControl wrote: That sounded kind of sexually suggestive too.:-2


Perhaps that was my intention?

Pinky wrote: Not that much fun...my hubs is asleep a few feet away and I'm trying not to wake him up! He'll have a right grump - on if I do.:-3


Yes, it would not be wise at the current time. Just sip the wine, don't slurp.

Right, I'm off to bed (no suggestive comments I am knackered). Everyone be nice, talk to you later. Please make sure and have more dis-functionalities for me to try and deal with later.

SnoozeControl wrote: I've already got my own arseface, why would I want another one?


I love that expression

arse face :p

Pinky wrote: I might quaff occasionally, but only beer. I don't do slurping - I'm a laydee ya know!


I completely believe you.

SnoozeControl wrote: Dear Dr Galbally,

Why do people think I have a dirty mind when in reality I'm a born again virgin? :-2


I'm not sure about that one snooze, it may be your constant references to various intriguiging sexual practices or they may just be being unkind.