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skittles2004 wrote: My brothers been dead for a while. And i thought i was taking it well until today. I dont know why its making me mad.it hasn't been that long, and you may be having a delayed reaction. the holiday season may well make it worse. it's normal to be mad or sad. don't be hard on yourself. just let your feelings flow.

skittles2004 wrote: but i dont want to be sad or mad!!! i want to be tough and not a crybaby!!!You need to stop judging your feelings and let yourself FEEL. It was F'd up what happened. And it happened to you as much as to them. Go into the feeling, get to know it. That's the only way you can control it.



Does that make sense?

Let your feelings out Skittles, it might help you. You know we all love you.

skittles2004 wrote: I am at a point were i could careless about anything and that is what pisses me off.It's big. Take it one bit at a time.

I don't know, I can only go by the way you express yourself, but I reckon you must have loved your bruv. Now Xmas is coming and the first thought is what to get your bruv. It must feel hollow.

It's going to hurt. But after Xmas, you'll be able to let go. My heart and prayers are with you Skittle. And I will say another one for your brother.

skittles2004 wrote: I dont know i am just so wierd right now. I am not myself! i hate this!


It's called grif Skittles and there are many levels to work through. I can't remember them all so I'm hoping FG can haelp me fill in the stages. There is:

Denial about the death - you can't believe you won't ever see them again

Sadness when you know you see them again

Anger about a loved one being taken away

Acceptance over the loss

In your case a brother was taken so very violently that it is difficult to get your head around the violence.

Please keep talking about it - it will help you work out your feelings.......:-4

No, you don't deserve it skittles. As long as you love him and he is in your heart, he is always there with you.

skittles2004 wrote: thats the sad part. My older bro and i werent that close. We were raised by different people and i hate this feeling because i dont deserve to feel this way!!
So tell me. What did you do at Christmas. Did you meet up or what? If you weren't that close, perhaps you wanted to be and now the chance is gone.

I was adopted, so I can understand if this is a similar case with yourself.

Just let it out and remember grief shows itself in many way, and many different times. Your Brother was your brother no matter what.. you will grieve and grieve some more when you least expect it.. Don't be so hard on yourself ... Your in my thoughts and prayers..!! :-4

skittles2004 wrote: My brothers been dead for a while. And i thought i was taking it well until today. I dont know why its making me mad.


Our unconscious seems always to be a couple of shoes ahead of our conscious about most things. What makes us mad at something might not be what it seems to be at first glance.

About two months ago, I found myself becoming increasingly angry, but had no clear idea at what or why. I mean, there came a time when i was mad at sunshine, air, asphalt, you name it, I was mad at it. There's a lot wrong with that picture, isn't there?

Finally, I started searching for what happened c the time it started and discovered that was when I called the doctor's office to find out the most recent tests for PSA, usually used to indicate cancerous activity related to the prostrate gland or that area. I already had that diagnosis and the last known estimates were a bit high, over four, which is the high end of "normal", but not really high. Even the nurse was a bit taken back. Seems she hadn't read the report, just filed it. Now, she took it to the doctor and suddenly things changed for me. Immediately advanced plans to be sure and a new test, then a meeting to make treatment plans, perhaps changes.

My angry response was because I took this as an indication I might not get to do everything I hoped to do in what we call 'this life". Well, gee, if i live to be 150, I'm going to have a couple of things I hoped to do in the next year or so and for sure, God does not have all the eggs in my basket so, why think that life owes me so much, tomorrow or even the rest of today.

Once I had those ducks in the row, things got better right away. I could relax and address what came to me on today's plate and not worry about anything else.

I miss my dad a lot, too and it's been over 21 years since he died very suddenly, burst aorta. Even though the ambulance was six blocks away, he would have died on the table had he been there instead. Lots of conversations we would not have. Yeah, I miss him a lot.

There are other stories there, but perhaps for another time.

Draw on the good stuff, fill up your days and moments with them and there's no room for the stuff that drag you down.

Works for me.

Art

skittles2004 wrote: i dont know whats wrong with me. For some reason being this miserable feels so right and it sux so bad. We saw a video of my brother and it made me feel worst because i realized all the things he did and everyone will always remeber that he died trying to sell Meth@!


I still think you're grieving for something you would have liked to have had, a brother. I get the impression though, that there are a lot of spaces between you both because of being brought up by different families. The best thing now is to take stock of what you have and check out those family members who mean the most to you and get close to them. Share your feelings with them and your mood will pass. Take stock of your life and decide where you want to go from here.

skittles2004 wrote: i dont know whats wrong with me. For some reason being this miserable feels so right and it sux so bad. We saw a video of my brother and it made me feel worst because i realized all the things he did and everyone will always remeber that he died trying to sell Meth@!


I'm sorry to hear that you are being badly affected Skittles, but given the circumstances its not hard to understand. Even if the circumstances were better it wouldn't actually make it less painful, though maybe less confusing. My Father died of a protracted cancer illness when I was 20, it took him six months to die, and he suffered quite a bit. While he was sick I was completely selfish about it, I mean I felt sorry for him, but much worse for myself. When he died I was grief-stricken, but a bit glad that the imposition of this persons illness was no longer on the rest of us, of course at the same time I felt like a complete sh*t for feeling like that. It was six months after he died before I really started to understand that he had actually suffered and personally experienced death, while I had been thinking about how it all affected me. I hated myself for quite a while after that, then after a long time I got more perspective on it, I was proud of him for being brave (most people are), and for the rest of us for being dignified in public anyway, and forgave some of the harsher feelings and weaknesses that people experience over death. I don't think that there is a lot of advice I could give as I think to use an old one, its time that is required for to heal properly, and probably never completely, but enough where you can properly live your life. You can PM me if you want or need to.

skittles2004 wrote: thats the sad part. My older bro and i werent that close. We were raised by different people and i hate this feeling because i dont deserve to feel this way!!


So you feel guilt about your relationship. Let me tell you girlfriend...........we all have guilt about some relationships in our lives. Let me tell you another thing....he loved you as much as you loved him. So you didn't get to say "I love you" before he died...neither did he and in his life "after" he will say that to you and you WILL know it and be able to forgive yourself. When the 2 of you meet on that higher plane it won't matter. So for now, embrace his memory and send that love you feel to him. If you need - write him a letter and then burn it so he gets it. Skittles forgive yourself. Where ever your brother is right now......he knows your feelings and would not want you to be this sad. I really believe that.

OpenMind wrote: I still think you're grieving for something you would have liked to have had, a brother. I get the impression though, that there are a lot of spaces between you both because of being brought up by different families. The best thing now is to take stock of what you have and check out those family members who mean the most to you and get close to them. Share your feelings with them and your mood will pass. Take stock of your life and decide where you want to go from here.
I couldn't agree more. I think you are grieving for what might have been and what should have been. Unfortunately, life isn't always kind enough to let us have our way. Whether you lived together or not, no matter how he died, he was still your brother and you loved him. Learn from his way of life so that yours will end up better. Just keep reminding yourself that these feelings will pass.

Skittles, just let yourself feel however you need to. No one can tell you that your feelings are right or wrong. That's what makes us all different.

Give yourself time, cry and talk about things. Looking up a grief forum on the Internet might help you, also. Eventually, it won't hurt so much anymore. I promise!

skittles2004 wrote: I feel i dont deserve to feel sorry for him. I never knew him. He was either in jail or messing up.


You might be thinking of what MIGHT have been....we all go through the 'regret' thing when we're grieving....and we grieve for people wether they're good or bad. You can't change the past skittles....you only have control over the future....

During a past I'd rather not go into - ever - a therapist hold up a picture of a certain person for me to yell at. I felt like an idiot at first, but as the anger, hurt, and a million other emotions rose, that picture became that person! I was able to vent and say everything I couldn't/shouldn't/didn't say when I had a chance. I screamed at that stupid scrap of paper and ink until I couldn't scream anymore.



I was amazed at how much it helped. BTW, I was 16 at the time

skittles2004 wrote: thats the sad part. My older bro and i weren't that close. We were raised by different people and i hate this feeling because i don't deserve to feel this way!!


Oh honey-- My own sis told me once that I shouldn't of carried on when my brother died because he was my half sibling and he was her whole....How that broke my heart..You dear-- are blood - raised where you needed to be...NOthing makes you love him any less -& even if you were close-you share a bond with him..I feel guilty that I didn't know my brother as well as my older sisters and brothers - but I was a Lil sh*t at that time..I was 16 when he died...When you are older -you will look back and still cry -still get mad-and still feel cheated...but you have to talk about it sometime...or it will haunt you...Christmas, whether you spent it with him or not, is a holiday for family--maybe not in some peoples homes, but the advertisements, the simple kids on Santa's lap etc...it makes you think about things that seem silly now but its a healing process..If you want to be angry- GIRL GET MAD!!! but know that you need to find the spot in your life that takes you away from the anger- be it a friend, a neighbor, the FG or your OLD grandma! Hee hee - Just know if you need to talk -there are 100's of ears here at the FG that will listen.......Hang in there.......:-4

skittles2004 wrote: but i dont want to be sad or mad!!! i want to be tough and not a crybaby!!!


Tough ? No. There is no tough when the ones we love leave us. All of the things you feel are your entitlement, there is no right or wrong. In time I think all of your grief will flow from you like a broken dam. Bless your loving heart.

lebobart273 wrote: Our unconscious seems always to be a couple of shoes ahead of our conscious about most things. What makes us mad at something might not be what it seems to be at first glance.



About two months ago, I found myself becoming increasingly angry, but had no clear idea at what or why. I mean, there came a time when i was mad at sunshine, air, asphalt, you name it, I was mad at it. There's a lot wrong with that picture, isn't there?



Finally, I started searching for what happened c the time it started and discovered that was when I called the doctor's office to find out the most recent tests for PSA, usually used to indicate cancerous activity related to the prostrate gland or that area. I already had that diagnosis and the last known estimates were a bit high, over four, which is the high end of "normal", but not really high. Even the nurse was a bit taken back. Seems she hadn't read the report, just filed it. Now, she took it to the doctor and suddenly things changed for me. Immediately advanced plans to be sure and a new test, then a meeting to make treatment plans, perhaps changes.



My angry response was because I took this as an indication I might not get to do everything I hoped to do in what we call 'this life". Well, gee, if i live to be 150, I'm going to have a couple of things I hoped to do in the next year or so and for sure, God does not have all the eggs in my basket so, why think that life owes me so much, tomorrow or even the rest of today.



Once I had those ducks in the row, things got better right away. I could relax and address what came to me on today's plate and not worry about anything else.



I miss my dad a lot, too and it's been over 21 years since he died very suddenly, burst aorta. Even though the ambulance was six blocks away, he would have died on the table had he been there instead. Lots of conversations we would not have. Yeah, I miss him a lot.



There are other stories there, but perhaps for another time.



Draw on the good stuff, fill up your days and moments with them and there's no room for the stuff that drag you down.



Works for me.



Art


Nice insite Art. I think Skittles can draw a lot from your post as I did.



This struck me the most

"

Draw on the good stuff, fill up your days and moments with them and there's no room for the stuff that drag you down."



Thanx