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Hello. I'm new here, but would love some input on a small, but significant proplem. I've been married for 6 years. In those 6 years my sister-in-law and I have been friends. Over the past year she has gone through a divorce, money problems, drinking, drugs, being gay and then bi (don't know what she is now), but I've supported her and made sure that I was always there to listen to her. Anyway now our daughters (both in the same kindergarten class) attend school together. My daughter is the sweetest little girl you'd ever meet (of course). Honestly, aside from my opinion being biased she is a very nice girl, very shy. Her cousin is very assertive and needs a lot of attention (mostly because she doesn't get it at home). She keeps doing and saying mean things to my daughter. She pushes her or tells her that she's prettier than her. Oftentimes I hear my niece calling my daughter fat. My daughter is heavier than other girls her age, but I would never call her fat and let alone let anyone else get away with it. I love my niece, but I really need to tell my sister-in-law that her behavior is not acceptable. If this were one of my daughters friends from school I would go to the teacher and ask her to talk to the girl, but if I do that then the whole family will get involved and my mother-in-law is not the most wonderful person. I feel bad because my niece has been through so much in the past year. I think that she's sort of jealous of my daughter because she sees how much time my husband and I spend with her and the fact that my daughter does a lot of things that she wants to do (gymnastics, swimming, soccer).

Sorry I wrote a whole book, but I don't know how to keep a good relationship with my sister-in-law and tell her about the things her daughter is doing to my daughter without hurting anyones feelings or causing a big "fight" in the family.

When my daughter and I talk about it. She acts as if by me not talking about it or doing something about it that some how I am not standing up for her. She doesn't know everything that her cousin has been through and I guess what she's been through (or going through) is no excuse for bullying behavior.

Should I talk to my sister-in-law? What should I say?

Family fight vs daughter being bullied..............tough choice. I feel for your niece with all that turmoul in her life. Perhaps her mother is too overwrought to realize the effect it's having on her daughter and a gentle talk might make her aware of it. If it were me, I would be protecting my daughter.

Why not talk to the teacher and have her talk to your sister in law? She could say she notices her daughter bullying your daughter a lot and it will let you off the hook.

I would talk to the sister-in-law ; whatever her problems, your daughter shouldn't bear the brunt of her family breakdown.

If it was me, I'd be inclined to say to the sister-in-law that things must be tough (especially if she's a single parent) but that you're sure she'd want you to raise it so that she can talk to her daughter.

If she gets defensive (people always do, so tedious!) tell her you know it's hard to hear things about your own kids but you're sure she'd want to know ; she's probably having her daughter act up at home too.

If she still doesn't take the hint, I'd be on to the school but asking them to treat it sensitively.

I don't, of course, have kids or a sister-in-law so please feel free to tell me to shove it !:p

I'm with Peg's suggestion. If you can talk with the teacher about broaching this to your sister-in-[law, you may be spared the family tension that might otherwise be stirred up.

Going a step further, I would speak to the someone in the office about making sure the girls are not in the same class next year.



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Thank you all for the advice. I will be speaking with my daughters teacher tomorrow and yesterday I had an opportunity to speak with both my daughter and my niece together. I told them that it was very important to stick up for each other and that being friends was very important. I don't know if it had an impact but I had to try something.

I tried to speak to my sister-in-law about the situation, but when I told her about the things her daughter was doing she of course asked her daughter if it was true and my niece denied everything. I can't fight with a 5 year old and say "oh, yes you did". I just had to drop the whole thing.

I don't know what they say behind my back, but obviously it's probably not very nice. Who knows? All I can do about them is be me and I'm not mean. My daughter and I have a great relationship (hopefully that lasts) and we talk about everything all of the time. She sees and understands what my niece has been through. Not that it's an excuse, but life is so unfair and I guess that this is just one of the millions of life lessons that she'll learn.

You said your niece was jealous of a lot of things your little girl does. Is there any way you could involve her in one of the activities? It won't help with the bullying in the past, or how you deal with it, but over a longer period it could well improve her self esteem to achieve something. People with good self esteem are rarely bullies....

I did take her along to a soccer camp (it was every Monday for a month) that my daughter was going to and she seemed to really enjoy herself. A couple of days later she told my daughter that she's a better player than my daughter... My daughter knows it's not true, but still I don't want her to have to hear it or put up with it.

BTW...my meeting with the teacher got posponed, so I haven't had an opportunity to speak with her yet.

I'd just keep tripping the little ****er up and saying "sorry, you must be really clumsy"

Yes, I took my niece, daughter and son out to lunch and on the way home my niece said "I'm skinnier than you". That's just one of the many times she's said things like that...most of the time she comes right out and tells her she's fat. I stopped the car and told her that we do not speak that way and I don't ever want to hear her talk to anyone like that again.

I told my sister-in-law what happened and what I said to her and she said "good, because she won't listen to me".

You know it's funny...she never, ever picks on my son who is only a year younger than her. It's only my daugter who is 8 months older.

Psychology is so difficult...

booradley wrote: I'd just keep tripping the little ****er up and saying "sorry, you must be really clumsy"


Sometimes I really wish I could!!!!!