ForumGarden

Hi, I'm new here and I need some advice. I've been married 14 years, four children - youngest 2 - and 1 grandchild. For the past year or so my husband has seemed not as happy. It has been an off and on thing and so I've let it go to stress or whatever. Over the past 6 months or so it has increased. When my oldest had his first child in Aug. of this year (mine from a previous relationship) my husband got mad because I was at the hospital waiting for the baby to come. My father had a heart attack and then had to have a quadruple bypass and I was at the hospital the day of his heart attack and then they scheduled the surgery for the next day. He got mad and said he couldn't watch the kids because "Somebody has to make some money." I could have lost everything I had and I didn't care because it was my dad and I was really scared -- so was he and my mom and they told me later my being there was a real comfort to them. Now he has started saying he wishes he was rich, wants to move to New York and get a job paying big money, our house isn't big enough. he never gets sex, I don't like him, I want a divorce don't I and I'm just afraid to tell him, etc. He does not seem happy with anything in our life together. Yet, it seems he is always projecting it on to me. I admit having him act this way has caused me some stress and irritability. I also get extremely mad when after working my job (which is at home) from 7 to 11 p.m. after taking care of kids and the house and watching my grandson -- he wants to have sex - and wants it to be a long, drawn out ordeal - when we have work, kids to get to school, etc. He says I don't love him like I used to or else I'd want it like that too. Whenever I get so tired of it that I give him just to put an end to the little snide remarks (which he says he is only picking when he says things like that) then he is saying I love you so much, you're such a good mom and wife, don't worry about the housework or cooking cause he will do it, he knows I have alot to take care of and working too. Then you give him a couple of days or so of not having sex and then he starts it all over again. I get SO TIRED of hearing about it. He comes home, takes his shower, eats his supper and then proceeds to sit down on the couch and 9 times out of 10 will fall asleep while I'm trying to work. I quit one job working at home because he just kept sleeping at night and I was having to work later and later to try and make up the time I lost, then he complained that he couldn't make ALL the bills by himself. I now have another job working at home and he keeps saying -- you can't do it, you know you're not a night person, you'll get tired of it, you can't keep kids all day and then work. Every time I say something about getting a job outside of the home when my last child gets in school he says what about daycare or summer care. If I say I want to go back to school as I was considering nursing school again as I want to work in labor and delivery, he says you can't do that cause if something happened to one of the babies I could not handle it. He always seems to tell me I can't. When I say he shoots down anything I want to try he just says he being realistic and he KNOWS me too well.

I know I've gone on and on but I've carried this around until I'm about to bust. PLEASE HELP!!! Am I making too much out of all of this or what.

Thanks

Hello and Welcome Confused :-6



Has your husband always been so 'un-supportive'??

Hi!

Thanks for the reply. To answer your question, no he has not always been unsupportive. He used to help with housework and did more with the kids. It seems like he is always looking at what all he is missing or something -- what others have that we don't. I am feeling that he is not happy being married, that he wants a change, but is afraid to come out and say it.

Do you think he could be having a mid-life crisis??

Is he willing to sit down and talk with you?

I've mentioned it to my mom about the hitting 40 soon - he's 39 - and she says it could me. Whenever I say something about one day we'll have more time for us, etc., he just says no we won't because we'll have grandbabies and he even said if I had plans to spend alot of time with them and watch them alot just to let him know and he'd get out now. That makes no sense to me. I love my kids and my new grandbaby. I always pictured them around me as I got older and we even talked about it several years ago and he said that we'd be on the front porch in our rocking chairs and we'd have all our kids and grandkids around us. How can one person change like that?

confusedlately wrote: I've mentioned it to my mom about the hitting 40 soon - he's 39 - and she says it could me. Whenever I say something about one day we'll have more time for us, etc., he just says no we won't because we'll have grandbabies and he even said if I had plans to spend alot of time with them and watch them alot just to let him know and he'd get out now. That makes no sense to me. I love my kids and my new grandbaby. I always pictured them around me as I got older and we even talked about it several years ago and he said that we'd be on the front porch in our rocking chairs and we'd have all our kids and grandkids around us. How can one person change like that?/COLOR]


Depression?

how long have you been married?

moverguy wrote: 13 years, why?




:yh_rotfl i don't think Raven was asking you!!!

married 14 years

Well have you two tried counseling of any type? I mean, it doesnt sound like it's an insurmountable kind of problem. You still love him, right?

We haven't had any counseling. When I ask him what's bothering him or why he is so unhappy with his life the way it's going he says he just kidding around. If so, he kids a whole lot! I love him very much, but sometimes when he is so hateful I don't LIKE him very much.

confusedlately wrote: We haven't had any counseling. When I ask him what's bothering him or why he is so unhappy with his life the way it's going he says he just kidding around. If so, he kids a whole lot! I love him very much, but sometimes when he is so hateful I don't LIKE him very much.
Just remember love is a choice. Rekindle what you had. It's still there. Bring the spontaneity back.

Man oh man -- did you give me something to think about!!!! Thanks for being so straightforward. I wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt him -- but I guess that's what I've been doing. Everything just seems so screwed up now, but I do want to fix it. Just hope I haven't messed things up or hurt him too bad. We've a long history together -- met in the summer of 6th grade. Guess I'm guilty of taking someone really special forgranted. Geez I feel so stupid!

Thanks again -- that's what I needed to hear.

flopstock wrote: Someone needs to be a tad crude here, so allow me to introduce myself...lol



He only gets sex with you when you can't take the snide remarks anymore and 'give in'....



and we are trying to figure out why he is unhappy with this situation? REALLY??:rolleyes:



Girl! As much as you recent 'giving in' to shut him up, have you thought about how he must feel? That this is the ONLY way- apparently, to get your attention? That sucks ..for both of you! Do you have any idea how many women who have been married for 14 years WISH that their husband still wanted them?



I suggest you do both of yourselves a favor and jump his bones the minute you see him today... that's right, if you have too, PRETEND you find him irresistable today... by the end of next week it may be true again..



The fact of the matter is, the housework, the kids and everything else will be there tomorrow. What about the man you love? How about becoming each others number one priority again?



And I'm not just blowin smoke at you either.. i've lived what you are living. And had a real friend ask me if I was everything my guy could wish for in a relationship... if you can answer 'Yes', you're a better person then I am..



welcome aboard!

dianeWell said Flops, and to think we nearly lost you! :-4

Change of routine is good.

Do something, just the two of you, that will make you both smile, or even laugh. Remember when you two first met and what it was that drew you both together in the first place. Have fun and treat your man like he is that special "numero uno" in your life. I believe he will respond to you in kind.

Life is too darn short.....never take anyone for granted. He may be feeling that way right now and that's no good for you either.

Pleasant surprises......that's my advice.