Relationships: Which One is Yours?
Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:11 pm
Here are the possible relationships:
1. A Complementary Relationship exists when the distribution of power is unequal. One partner says, "Let's go dancing tonight." and the other says, "fine." The boss asks several employees to stay late and they agree to. In complementary situations like these, one party exercises control and the other is willing to go along. As long as both parties are comfortable with their roles, a complementary relationship can be stable. Problems are guaranteed, however, if both parties struggle to maintain a "one-up" position. There are even situations where both partners try to maintain a "one-down" position. (believe it or not)
For example:
"Where do you want to go tonight?"
"I don't care, whatever you want."
"I don't care either"
You can see how this struggle to avoid responsibility could go on and on, resulting in aggravation for both partners.
2. A Symmetrical Relaltionship exists when partners seek the same degree of control. this is the model that most young couples believe is the best approach. Although symmetry sounds like the best approach, it's not practical. On trivial issues like "What are we eating for dinner?" or "Should we buy yellow or green tennis balls?" equal decision making isn't worth the effort.
On major issues like "Should we move to a new city?" or "How many children should we have?" it may not even be possible to share the power equally. Then will come major disagreement and trouble. Despite it's impracticality, a symmetrical relationship is still the goal of many "modern" couples who object to the power structure of traditional marriages.
3. Unlike the lopsidedness of complementary relationships, and the total equality of symmetrical ones, a Parallel Relationship handles power in a much more fluid way. Partners shift between one-up and one-down roles, so that each person leads in some areas, and shares power equally in many others.
For example, I handle decisions about car repairs, lawn care, medical decisons, and household upgrades. My wife handles decisions about menu planning, home decorating, financial decisions, and takes the spotlight at parties with our friends.
When a decision is very important to one partner, the other willingly gives in, knowing the favor will be returned later. When issues are very important to both partners, for example college education decisions, power is shared equally. When an impasse occurs, (and they do!) each will make concessions in a way that keeps the overall balance of power equal.
Both partners work together to develop a solution that makes sense to everyone.
(My wife and I just got through a tough decision on whether or not to buy a pool table, and where it should go, along with how we would rearange the furniture to both fit the table and still maintain the beauty of our house.)
I taught my son about relationships by modeling this kind of parallel relationship. When he was young I showed him that I always kissed his mother goodbye, took great care to think of each other's feelings, that we shared all responsibilites on a sliding scale.
That is to say, the things that one person was good at were their responsibilities, the things that the other was good at were their responsibilities, and if there was a decision that was to be made and one partner really felt strongly about, the other partner was willing to give away that power, knowing that the favor would be returned later.
(Jives sits back and looks at his work)
Well...that's some of the best writing I've done in a while. I hope it helps someone.
1. A Complementary Relationship exists when the distribution of power is unequal. One partner says, "Let's go dancing tonight." and the other says, "fine." The boss asks several employees to stay late and they agree to. In complementary situations like these, one party exercises control and the other is willing to go along. As long as both parties are comfortable with their roles, a complementary relationship can be stable. Problems are guaranteed, however, if both parties struggle to maintain a "one-up" position. There are even situations where both partners try to maintain a "one-down" position. (believe it or not)
For example:
"Where do you want to go tonight?"
"I don't care, whatever you want."
"I don't care either"
You can see how this struggle to avoid responsibility could go on and on, resulting in aggravation for both partners.
2. A Symmetrical Relaltionship exists when partners seek the same degree of control. this is the model that most young couples believe is the best approach. Although symmetry sounds like the best approach, it's not practical. On trivial issues like "What are we eating for dinner?" or "Should we buy yellow or green tennis balls?" equal decision making isn't worth the effort.
On major issues like "Should we move to a new city?" or "How many children should we have?" it may not even be possible to share the power equally. Then will come major disagreement and trouble. Despite it's impracticality, a symmetrical relationship is still the goal of many "modern" couples who object to the power structure of traditional marriages.
3. Unlike the lopsidedness of complementary relationships, and the total equality of symmetrical ones, a Parallel Relationship handles power in a much more fluid way. Partners shift between one-up and one-down roles, so that each person leads in some areas, and shares power equally in many others.
For example, I handle decisions about car repairs, lawn care, medical decisons, and household upgrades. My wife handles decisions about menu planning, home decorating, financial decisions, and takes the spotlight at parties with our friends.
When a decision is very important to one partner, the other willingly gives in, knowing the favor will be returned later. When issues are very important to both partners, for example college education decisions, power is shared equally. When an impasse occurs, (and they do!) each will make concessions in a way that keeps the overall balance of power equal.
Both partners work together to develop a solution that makes sense to everyone.
(My wife and I just got through a tough decision on whether or not to buy a pool table, and where it should go, along with how we would rearange the furniture to both fit the table and still maintain the beauty of our house.)
I taught my son about relationships by modeling this kind of parallel relationship. When he was young I showed him that I always kissed his mother goodbye, took great care to think of each other's feelings, that we shared all responsibilites on a sliding scale.
That is to say, the things that one person was good at were their responsibilities, the things that the other was good at were their responsibilities, and if there was a decision that was to be made and one partner really felt strongly about, the other partner was willing to give away that power, knowing that the favor would be returned later.
(Jives sits back and looks at his work)
Well...that's some of the best writing I've done in a while. I hope it helps someone.
