Nomad wrote: Im not equipped to handle emotionional problems. I turn into a frozen rock and resemble a deer caught in headlights.
You and me both, dude. I got in trouble with my mother and sister for not crying at my father's funeral. (I cried, but later, by myself.)
I just came from my sisters house. Shes having spine surgery on Tue. She will be in the hospital for 5 days, followed by 6 months in a back brace. Needless to say her abilities will be limited.
I smell an opportunity here, but I'm not quite sure which one.
Shes also having serious marriage problems. He says he doesnt love her and frequently says he wants a divorce. Hes gone most of the time, but when he is there its a battle.
Okay, the picture is becoming much clearer. (Jives consults his psychology textbook on interpersonal relationships) When one spouse is gone a lot, the relationship is past the "stagnation stage" and is in the "avoidance" stage which is just prior to the "termination stage"
It's still possible to save this marriage, according to my books, but to do so will require massive amounts of effort by both sides at this point.
I'm betting that the father is not willing to devote that kind of energy to saving this marriage. What does that mean? It means the marriage is over.
I never promote or endorse divorce, it's usually a very drastic step in a situation where it's not needed. Many times both parties realize just how much they meant to each other only after the divorce.
So try this...suggest a separation. This doesn't mean just not talking or seeing each other for a week or two, it also means getting some advice from professionals and sitting down individually and taking a hard look at their feelings for each other.
If, at the end of that time, they still feel the same, then it really is time to go their separate ways. This may seem bad for the kids, and believe me, it is. But it's infinitely worse for the children to stay in a destructive relationship year after year. At least then the healing can begin. As it stands now more hurt is piled on more hurt every day.
Shes been on heavy duty pain meds for 3 yrs and is also a 10 yr sober alcoholic.
Two things here:
1. Your sister is an addictive personality. In truth, she substituted one drug for another, that's not truly being sober. I understand that back pain is incredilble. (I've got a healthy dose myself, on top of RA) But after the surgery, she will absolutely have to begin the process of weaning herself from these things. (I should know, I had to do the same for my wife.)
The good news is that back surgery is HIGHLY successful these days. She should have significantly reduced pain after the operation.
She is denying theres a problem with the drugs.
She's in denial, and I'm not talking about a river in Africa.
This hasnt helped their marriage much I think.
If you were a husband that came home to a zonked out, spaced out wife, who slept a lot of the time, or if you were a teenager who noticed that your mother needed drugs to deal with life (or you) and was high most of the time, and had no father to turn to...do you think it would affect you?
They have 4 kids, 2 hers by a previous marriage. They will be off to college next yr.
That helps the situation, when they are removed from that environment, it will become easier to deal with life normally.
The 2 youngest boys 3 and 10 yrs old are left. The 3 yr old has something similar to autism. He can barely verbalize.
That makes the situation worse. Autistic children require massive amounts of care and attention. Something I'm sure a vacant father and a drugged mother have a hard time supplying.
One of the older girls I found out recently is bulimic and she told me today she is emotionally dead inside. She doesnt care about anything.
When kids tell you they don't "care about anything" watch out. What we are talking about here is suicide. She is killing herself slowly with bulemia because she can't stand the stress of the situation she is in. To a teen, inward stress is very often manifested in an outward way.
Her skinniness is a cry for help, in a home where no one is watching. Big, big trouble. You should definitely contact your school counselor right away. They have special training and experience with this kind of thing. Don't worry, unless the child is being abused, complete confidentiality is assured. Tell the mother or father to do it, if that doesn't work, do it yourself...it's your duty to her.
She (or they) will most likely hate you for this (for a while), and you may want to give the parents this option first, like I said, but don't let that condition go untreated...or it's a funeral you'll be attending. No kidding, I've seen it before.
My wife and I went there and cleaned the house and will make plans to make sure dinner is on the table for the family every night while she is in the hospital.
Ha! There's that opportunity I was sensing! Take some time while you're there to do a little more than just feed the kids. They are starving for real parental attention, give them some. Play some board games, decorate a room, do some chores together, take a walk to the park, ride bikes.
This is dirty pool, since the kids will most likely tell their parents something to the effect that "they had a great time while you were here!" but it may shock the parents into realizing just what affect their behavior is having on the family.
The worst that can happen is that they'll be apathetic and things will go back to the way they were. A condition that can't last much longer in my opinion. (See: divorce)
I dont even know what the right question to ask here is.
You aren't the one that needs to be asking the questions, Nomad, your sister and her husband are. And here are the questions they should be asking:
1. How much do I really want this marriage to succeed?
2. What can I do to make that happen? (Assumming the answer to the first question is positive.)
3. What is the current situation costing my children and myself?
Once those answers are decided upon, the action needed wil become clearer.
I guess I need some help. My gut tells me not to get involved in their marriage. My wife thinks differently.
You're both right. You are right that being their marriage counselor will not work. Getting into the middle and pointing fingers, (since I'm assuming that you don't have professional psychiatric training) will only make you a victim of domestic violence.
She's right in the fact that someone needs to get involved, and right away, especially for that little teenager you mentioned. You need trained professionals. Try that school counselor for the teen. Suggest a counselor for parents too, look one up in the phone book.
Showing that you care about them might get a negative reaction, but the alternative is turning your back on a family you love. Both you and I know you can't do that.
Help.
That's all I can give you. Sit down with the sister and her husband, but do it seperately at first, (get the emotion out of the air) get them to start seriously thinking about their lives, then propose the help.
If it doesn't work, at least you know you tried.
Good luck dude.
Now it's time to work on the other problems. Everyone here has given you extremely wise advise. You yourself already know in your own head what you really think you should actually do, (it's just always reassuring to hear others advise/confirm the same thing as you already feel) as opposed to what your "heart" tells you to do. Follow what your own logic/rational tells you to do. 