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Does anyone have any experience of divorce or splitting from a long term partner?

If you have I wonder would you mind sharing your thoughts on this please mainly regarding the following:

Were you scared of being alone, possibly for the rest of your life, especially if your partner had crushed your confidence and repeatedly told you that you would never find anyone again especially as you had a child to look after?

Is it possible to find love again in your late 30’s early 40’s and how?

How do you support yourself and your child if you temporarily cannot work?

What if the sale of your property is not enough to buy two smaller properties for the divorced couple to live in separately, what do you do?

Is it easy to adapt to a life alone without the security/comfort zone that marriage brings?

Are you always 100% positive that the split would be best for all concerned?

If the child is older, do they adapt easily and would they be happier long term if you are happier than you were when you were married or would they be happier with both parents still together regardless of how unhappy the parents were together?

Would the child hold the split against you and hate and blame you for it? Would it ruin your relationship with them?

Should you accept that as you brought the child into the world as a couple you should remain a couple until the child is old enough to leave to maintain stability for the child regardless of the fact that the marriage is loveless? Surely the child would pick up on the negativity and have a distorted view of what a happy marriage and family life is like and not be truly happy themselves?



I appreciate that everyone’s circumstances will be different but would just like to gain a perspective on this really.



Thank you

Does anyone have any experience of divorce or splitting from a long term partner?

I dated my first husband for 3 1/2 years and was married to him for 3 1/2 years.

If you have I wonder would you mind sharing your thoughts on this please mainly regarding the following:

Were you scared of being alone, possibly for the rest of your life, especially if your partner had crushed your confidence and repeatedly told you that you would never find anyone again especially as you had a child to look after?

I was TERRIFIED at the thought of being alone. He definately crushed my confidence. I heard the same line of crap from him. The only difference being, I had no child.

Is it possible to find love again in your late 30’s early 40’s and how?

I've seen people much older find love again. Learn to love yourself first though.

How do you support yourself and your child if you temporarily cannot work?

You learn what resources are available to you. If you want out bad enough, you will find a way.



What if the sale of your property is not enough to buy two smaller properties for the divorced couple to live in separately, what do you do?

Again, stop setting up road blocks and excuses to stay. You could rent until you save enough to buy. You don't have to worry about maintenance when you rent therefore another excuse is gone.

Is it easy to adapt to a life alone without the security/comfort zone that marriage brings?

It's not easy but you learn to love not having to answer to anyone, not worrying he'll be mad if you buy that dress you want or go out with your friends. You'll enjoy the freedom.

Are you always 100% positive that the split would be best for all concerned?

This is life. Nothing is 100% positive.

If the child is older, do they adapt easily and would they be happier long term if you are happier than you were when you were married or would they be happier with both parents still together regardless of how unhappy the parents were together?

Most people I talk to, don't understand why their parents didn't divorce years sooner.

Would the child hold the split against you and hate and blame you for it? Would it ruin your relationship with them?

Sometimes, a child holds staying with them against you.

Should you accept that as you brought the child into the world as a couple you should remain a couple until the child is old enough to leave to maintain stability for the child regardless of the fact that the marriage is loveless? Surely the child would pick up on the negativity and have a distorted view of what a happy marriage and family life is like and not be truly happy themselves?

Children are much more sensitive and aware than we adults give them credit for.

They definately would pick up on the lovelessness.

I see his telling you that you will never find anyone else as a sense of control for him. He knows you could find someone else and is afraid he'll be the one left old and lonely. Worry about loving yourself first. Don't go looking for love right off the bat. Stop looking and love will find you when and where you least expect it. Good luck to you. Let us know what you decide.

I am 35, I walked out on my husband on the the 5th May 05. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I have two children, a boy (with disabilities) and a 'normal' girl. I tried to stay for the sake of the children but all they had was a very unhappy Mum.

My ex was physically abusive once or twice in the early years but it was mostly verbal abuse. The day my son said to me 'you're scared of daddy aren't you?' is the day I knew I had to make plans to get out.



Can't say I was ever scared of being alone, being alone is far more preferable to being abused and walking around on eggshells just incase you say or do the wrong thing.



People are interested in single parents, I've met a few other single guys, some divorced, separated etc but not 'the one' for me. I know plenty of other people who have successfully remarried and plenty who choose to stay on their own.



If you can't work then unfortunately you have to claim benefits, I had to do this until I recieved my share of the house, be warned though, if you can't afford to use that money as a deposit and get a mortgage then you have to live 'frugally' on that money. You're not allowed to invest any of it for the children. When the money runs out and you end up back at the benefits agency you have justify the spending of that money.



I have found it easy to adjust, I guess I didn't feel much of a safety zone in my marriage, my ex would quit a job in a fit of temper and leave me to worry where the next pay packet was coming from.



Not always 100% positive but it was the best decision for me, and the children in the long run, I need to break the cycle, I don't want my children to think that the way their Dad treated me is acceptable behaviour.



My children occasionally get nasty towards me for taking them away from their Dad, they are only 8 and 3 so they don't really understand yet. No doubt I will get some fall out over the next few years, but I will remain firm, I am a much happier person without him.



I can't accept that as we bought the children into this world as a couple we should remain a couple. The atmosphere my children lived in was wrong, they now have a far more cuddly and loving Mum than they did before.

The answer to many of the questions you ask will only be revealed to you if you decide to split. The reason for this is because everyones experience with this painful experience is different. Should you stay together? Only you can answer that. How will your children react? They all respond to the breakup differently. Can you handle being alone? You may love it, or it may terrify you. I love it. Will you meet someone else? Impossible to predict. No guarantee. You have to prepare yourself to live life without the safety net of emmotional, financial, and physical support. But perhaps you didnt have those things anyway. I leapt into the fire 15 years ago. Wasnt prepared financially. But I was ready to face ANYTHING to escape the emmotional and psychological abuse. My children did suffer. Missed their dad. Children will miss a monster. ( Hes still their dad) The financial was a nightmare. And at 50 something... Im still on my own. Why? Because I wouldnt go back to that life of bondage for anything in this world. Whatever you decide... there will be ramifications for your decision. You have to be prepared to face them.

You will have to be strong and willing to take your life in directions you may not have planned on. Life as a single mom isnt a bed of roses. But freedom from an unhappy situation can prove to be a tough, but exhilirating journey. You will discover strengths in yourself that you never knew you had. Good Luck to you. Always remember there are thousands of women who walked in the uncertain shoes of liberation before you. In times of great strife and heartache... that knowledge can provide comfort.

After reading the wonderful and heartfelt replies to my post I now feel that my original questions seem quite naïve. They were instinctive and innocent questions derived from the trepidation of the consequence of divorce.

This is a positive thing as I now feel richer in the knowledge I have gained from the experiences of others and for that I am truly grateful to you all and for replying with such sincerity and benevolence.

I can’t help thinking though that if a couple has brought a child into the world it is their responsibility to ensure that the child is cared for in a stable and loving environment with regard for their psychological and physiological welfare until such time that the child is self sufficient. Should the child or one of its parents be in danger from the other parent then it would be the lesser of two evils for the child to then see those parents divorce, preferably amicably for the sake of their child.

That said it seems to me to be counter productive for two people who have fallen out of love to continue within a failed relationship. Things can work out for a while but from my own experience this situation is a breeding ground for resentment as people tire under the strain of the constant pretence. We are after all only human! The child then still suffers with or without a divorce.

I would not dream of continuing to live in the family home with my child whilst the ‘ex’ is forced to find alternative accommodation just because we have stopped loving each other and have grown apart. I would be mortified if I were to find myself in that situation and would never enforce this unless of course they were abusive. To lose your partner, your child and your home in one fair swoop! It’s not even an option. I would want to be fair and find two properties relatively close together so that our child could visit each parent freely.

I would certainly be in no hurry to find love again, except to learn to love me again first as has wisely been mentioned in one of the replies here and would also need to regain the confidence I have lost in myself. I am though very scared at the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. I am independent but also very loving and giving and think I would find it enormously disheartening not to be able to share my life with someone special. On the other hand, I do wonder who would want to be with me and can’t imagine anyone wanting to be.

At the end of the day the child is the most important part of the equation and in the absence of physical and mental abuse within the family unit they must remain the number one priority in all proceedings.

It is such a very difficult dilemma to address. :-1

My heartfelt thanks. :yh_hugs

Saying that you cant imagine who would want to be with you... reveals how you negatively feel about yourself. That can be the result of treatment youve experienced in this marriage, or it can be the way youve felt your entire life. When ones self esteem is low... they are driven to have a partner for need of validation. This state of mind also makes it difficult to make a wise decision. An option for you might be to place your desire to divorce in a private place in your mind, while you take time to explore your feelings about yourself. Boost your own morale, and then decide from a more secure viewpoint. Perhaps the desire to break up your home is just a temporary feeling because your in a slump. We all experience slumps. Life is a series of ups and downs.

I know from personnal experiance that life does go on after a split and your child/children will adjust and adapt, kid's are very resilient and perceptive more than we realise . The only thing you can do is take one day at a time be optimistic look forward not back (harder said than done )you are stronger than you realise .... you will cope because you have to and when the time is right you will meet somebody else.. just don't rush into it . I wish you all the luck in the world,,,, just remember one day at a time and a happy mummy mean's happy kid's .

I started over at 42. I am finally in a place of tranquility. Because of her.

I do know all about conflict and confrontation. I have been married three times.

Thank you guys!

It is the inevitable consequence of living within a failed, ill-fated relationship that explains the current state of my morale.

The relationship failed a long time ago so the input here has been helpful to me when pondering the avenues of separation and reformation.

It has been heartwarming to read how people’s lives have been positively transformed beyond the burdens of an unhappy marriage.

Thank you for sharing your views and experiences and for your good wishes and words of encouragement; it is very much appreciated.

I couldnt even begin to add to the remarkable insight given you, so Ill just say best wishes and blessings.

Hey Bubble.....isn't it amazing how you can gain such fresh perspective from people you don't even know? That's one of the things I love about FG. Straight-forward words, and an honest desire to help.

I had been in a relationship for 5 years. It was beginning to take a downward plunge. Not from any one major thing, but from lots of little things that accumulated over time. At the very end, we were like roommates who really didn't like each other very much. It all became very clear to me just how much he didn't like me when the bastard served me with an eviction notice. An eviction notice!!! I had been living with him for 5 years, held a steady job that entire time, while he held down a total of 12 different jobs at different times when he felt like working. (Which was not very often.) I'd pulled his house out of foreclosure twice, remodeled the entire upstairs, paid all the bills, and at the end the SOB hands me an eviction notice. I was appalled, flabbergasted, shocked, hurt, angry....you get the point.

I had already decided to leave, but so much of my money went into HIS house, that I didn't have a lot left over to pick up and take off on my own. Luckily, my sister was in the process of her divorce, and I moved in with her for a while.

ANYWAY....long story short, each and every situation is unique. There's no right or wrong answers to these kinds of questions, but like I tell lots of folks: Listen to weeder. That woman has more wisdom and goodness and kindness in her than any 20 people I know. Love yourself first. And I'd wager dollars to donuts that you will enjoy being on your own. I know I did. I was not looking to get involved with anyone for a long time after that, and along came Bullet. Once you're not looking for it, it finds you. (I believe someone else has said that here, and it's true.) The best of luck to you. You can do this. Keep us updated on how things are going, would you?

And I'd wager dollars to donuts





I dont think anyone really says that anymore cuddles :rolleyes:

Nomad wrote: And I'd wager dollars to donuts





I dont think anyone really says that anymore cuddles :rolleyes:
Yeah, well, I do. Ya wanna make something of it, tough guy?? :yh_beatup

no I guess not

Every situation is different.



I was married for 18 years, the children were upset at first but they now say that divorce was the best thing for us and can see that both their father and I are happier.



As far as financial problems, you need to live where you can afford too, I was able to re morgage the house and keep it even though I am not working, I have a student allowance as I study full time.



You should be prepared to spend the rest of your life alone, but the chances are that you won't. I will probably get married sometime next year. If I don't I will continue to plan my life to suit myself.



It took a couple of years for me to become totally independant and happy to be alone again, but my life is so full of other stuff and I have lots of friends to keep me occupied. I actually enjoy being single, you can do what you like, when you like.



As far as the children, they are going really well and we spend a lot of time together as a family. Things are so much better for us without their Father hanging around being up tight and stressing eveyone out. Everyone is better off for the divorce, even thier father.



I have to go as a visitor just turned up. Hope this helps.

BabyRider wrote: Hey Bubble.....isn't it amazing how you can gain such fresh perspective from people you don't even know? That's one of the things I love about FG. Straight-forward words, and an honest desire to help.

I had been in a relationship for 5 years. It was beginning to take a downward plunge. Not from any one major thing, but from lots of little things that accumulated over time. At the very end, we were like roommates who really didn't like each other very much. It all became very clear to me just how much he didn't like me when the bastard served me with an eviction notice. An eviction notice!!! I had been living with him for 5 years, held a steady job that entire time, while he held down a total of 12 different jobs at different times when he felt like working. (Which was not very often.) I'd pulled his house out of foreclosure twice, remodeled the entire upstairs, paid all the bills, and at the end the SOB hands me an eviction notice. I was appalled, flabbergasted, shocked, hurt, angry....you get the point.

I had already decided to leave, but so much of my money went into HIS house, that I didn't have a lot left over to pick up and take off on my own. Luckily, my sister was in the process of her divorce, and I moved in with her for a while.

ANYWAY....long story short, each and every situation is unique. There's no right or wrong answers to these kinds of questions, but like I tell lots of folks: Listen to weeder. That woman has more wisdom and goodness and kindness in her than any 20 people I know. Love yourself first. And I'd wager dollars to donuts that you will enjoy being on your own. I know I did. I was not looking to get involved with anyone for a long time after that, and along came Bullet. Once you're not looking for it, it finds you. (I believe someone else has said that here, and it's true.) The best of luck to you. You can do this. Keep us updated on how things are going, would you?
Oh my God Br... That was my identical situation in Virginia.. At one point he asked me to leave the home that I was paying for.

weeder wrote: Oh my God Br... That was my identical situation in Virginia.. At one point he asked me to leave the home that I was paying for.
Did that just not royally p!ss you off??!?!?! Didn't you want to grab him and say, "What???? Are you an idiot???? You wouldn't even BE here if it weren't for me, you stupid jackass!!!!"

After I'd left, he found me where I was working at the time, and wanted to "talk." I laughed in his face. He was actually shocked, and insulted that I didn't want to speak to him. God, but some men are just as dense as a brick.

Thank you for sharing some very personal and painful life experiences; I’m really glad that people here have moved on to much happier relationships from the ones described.

Thank you too for your kind and wise words of encouragement; I am very grateful.



:yh_hugs

Am another survivor of a later in life (40+ is my age) Divorce (married 17 years) And I have to say that an unhappy union makes for unhappy children. Here in this province if you divorce and have kids it is mandatory to take an 8 hour course that basically teaches all parents that along the road of separation the kids have to be protected and raised without strife, granted is isn't always going to work. Not easy but it is hammered into our heads to keep the kids out of the wars of divorce.

As for the uncertainty, heck life in general is one big uncertainty. Believe in yourself, and attack life and think of separation as a blessig because you are getting a second chance, run with it.