ForumGarden

**Raises hand** Yep, I am one of the ones who, **GASP** has chosen to not listen to the ticking clock, and have children.

I have nieces and nephews, and a couple of step grand-kids. And as someone so aptly put it, "library kids" are fine by me. They all get, and have gotten alot of my time and attention, and they are returnable. Cool thing is, I have never had to pay a deposit.

So, if the time comes that you find that you have not had children, do not waste a moment's time thinking there is something wrong with you. And on the other side, be happy for the gift if you do have a child.

Just do not be forced into a decision you are not comfortable making by "well-meaning" friends, family or in-laws!!

I've noticed there are quite a few women in the garden, so I thought I'd ask:

Is it wrong to not want children?

I am happily married with 2 awesome step kids. I love them. I've reached 1/4 century in life and feel slightly guilty for not wanting my own. I always told myself by 30 if I didnt have any that I never would. I have supporting reasons why, yet feel selfish in ways.

Any advice?

I think it's perfectly normal to not want kids. As normal as it is to want them. Some people have it in them to be parents, some don't. It doesn't mean you're lacking in any way, or flawed, somehow....sheesh....I wish the only people that were able to have kids were the people who truly, and deeply want children.

I've been POSITIVE since I was about 18 or so that I never wanted

children of my own. I like kids, and they've always liked me for whatever

reason. I had a blast recently with my friend's grandson... he was very

cute and smart.



A co-worker used to say he liked "library kids"... you get them, and

when you're done with them, you take them back. Works for me.



I think you probably wouldn't be asking if you were sure... but that's

not a bad thing per se and at 25, you've got oodles of time should

that 'ol clock start up!



:)

There's an interesting new study showing that 30% of German women are choosing to remain childless and birth rates are declining in many nations. You're not alone, not by a long shot!

I admire you for knowing yourself, knowing what you do (and don't do) well and having the courage to fight "tradition" and enjoy life just as it is!

It's easy for ME to say, but try not to feel guilty about having made a non-traditional decision. Besides, those lucky kids-by-marriage might just be all you need or ever will need. If your husband agrees, why quarrel with success?

(As is often the case,) I'll chime in with BabyRider and say the world needs fewer poor parents, not more unwanted or poorly-raised children.

I admire women who know what they want, if you don't want children that perfectly OK..

OK, this is odd..why does my first response (on my system at least) show up above the original post in the thread?

I see it the same way, Marie. As if YOU were the thread starter. Weird...Any other threads like that??

The choice is yours and NO ONE should influence you in any way. If your thinking or circumstances change in the future then so be it. You have plenty of time to make these decisions.

I recently met someone who did not want children, but had had her first when she was 41 and is just having her second at 44 because it feels right now....

BabyRider wrote: I see it the same way, Marie. As if YOU were the thread starter. Weird...Any other threads like that??


BR and Marie

You'll see I've started a thread on the smileys moving around . . .

*key in scary music*

Something strange is going on in the Garden . . . :-3

BabyRider wrote: I think it's perfectly normal to not want kids. As normal as it is to want them. Some people have it in them to be parents, some don't. It doesn't mean you're lacking in any way, or flawed, somehow....sheesh....I wish the only people that were able to have kids were the people who truly, and deeply want children.


Like me, right?;) Its almost time.

Thanks for all your replies! It's nice to know I'm not the only one...

You look at some children, then look up at the parents, it becomes apparent, these children are a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.

jbbarker1947 wrote: You look at some children, then look up at the parents, it becomes apparent, these children are a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.


Very well said, jb

How sad:-1

It is sad to see some obviously unwanted children out there. SOme look so sad. Or to see parents who never seem to have a kind word for thier kids...when you see how the children are treated in public, you just have to wonder how they are treated when no one is looking

Tan: Are you being pressured by someone to have kids?

I ask that because it seems you feel guilty for your very normal feelings. I have a son, but before I had him, I wasn't sure I wanted kids. I will never call my son an accident, but let's just say it wasn't planned Now that I have him, I feel blessed to have him, and love him more than anything in this world, but he's enough for me.

I think, like most others here, it's perfectly fine to not want children. If you feel that way, then that's just the way it is, because like BR and others said, having them when you don't want them is always a mistake.

Marie5656 wrote: It is sad to see some obviously unwanted children out there. SOme look so sad. Or to see parents who never seem to have a kind word for thier kids...when you see how the children are treated in public, you just have to wonder how they are threated when no one is looking


I'll tell ya another thing that gets my dander up. I used to work in the public (convenience store) several years ago, and I'd see these parents coming in with small children. They'd buy $50 or $60 worth of beer/lottery etc, and those babies would be begging for something as simple as a piece of gum, and they'd get yelled at for even asking. Unbelievable.

I never get why people are called "selfish" for not wanting kids.

If I felt that I didn't want kids then it wouldn't bother me what anyone else thought.

I knew I wanted kids since I was 4 and I love having these two beautiful, smart, funny little ones in my life! :-4

Mystery wrote: I'll tell ya another thing that gets my dander up. I used to work in the public (convenience store) several years ago, and I'd see these parents coming in with small children. They'd buy $50 or $60 worth of beer/lottery etc, and those babies would be begging for something as simple as a piece of gum, and they'd get yelled at for even asking. Unbelievable.


Oh I have that one beat. Same senario..I worked in a store. One day a rather harried woman brought a boy, about 4 up to the counter and told him that if he did not behave, she would have me call the police!! :-5

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she should never tell the boy that...and I would not call the police!! She left her stuff and stormed out.

Nature must make babies appealing so you'll BOND with them from the start. Otherwise, when they get into the "terrible twos" or their rebellious teens, you'd EAT them!

Pinky wrote: I also agree that people just shouldn't have them unless they really wholeheartedly want kids, and are prepared to bring them up properly and teach them about life.


Can we have an AMEN??

:p Lulu2 wrote: Nature must make babies appealing so you'll BOND with them from the start. Otherwise, when they get into the "terrible twos" or their rebellious teens, you'd EAT them!


Oh my god.

Marie5656 wrote: Oh I have that one beat. Same senario..I worked in a store. One day a rather harried woman brought a boy, about 4 up to the counter and told him that if he did not behave, she would have me call the police!! :-5

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she should never tell the boy that...and I would not call the police!! She left her stuff and stormed out.


You should have told her that you'd certainly call the police, but it would on her rather than that innocent boy. Some people simply don't deserve kids.

From a males perspective, I was never sure wether I wanted kids or not, always found the thought of fatherhood really frightening. just wasn't sure when I was younger wether I could live up to being a good 'dad'. I firmly believe that any man can be a father, but not everyone can be a good dad.

Now that I have a lovely little boy called Archie in my life, I know that I made the right decision to be a dad, I love him to bits, and the joy he brings into my life is immeasurable :-4:-4

I don't think it is wrong not to have kids, in the end of the day, its up to the individual. who cares what other people think? After all, having a child is the ULTIMATE responsibility. Not everyone feels ready, or is cut out for that, or just plain doesn't want kids!! It's up to the individual, not others.

All I would say to someone thinking of starting a family or having kids is to think about the responsibility, the unconditional love a child needs (for children surely love us uncoditionally), and the fact that you are no longer the most important thing in your own life, for a long time to come. So big sacrafices are to be made, but the rewards are fantastic, there is nothing like the feeling of seing your child learn, and grow, and cuddling you saying "I love you daddy" :-4:)

I think that too many people have children because they can't think of anything else to do with their lives. I had mine when I was 36 when I'd done a lot of what I wanted to do and was ready. I have a number of friends with no children and find them excellent company. In fact, of a group of 9 schoolfriends only three of us have produced and none have more than one child. My brother used to say there must have been something in the water.

I blame having to read D H Lawrence for A Level at an impressionable age. He was always banging on about fecundity and it put us all off.

Marie5656 wrote: It is sad to see some obviously unwanted children out there. SOme look so sad. Or to see parents who never seem to have a kind word for thier kids...when you see how the children are treated in public, you just have to wonder how they are treated when no one is looking




Why do people wait to whip their kids untill they go to Walmart?

PINKY "No, teenagers are great! I wouldn't work with them otherwise. "

Yes. Well, the student volunteers at the zoo are great, too, but I'm not sure they're so great at home! I've often thought a small group of parents could start some sort of system where they swapped teenagers for a week at a time....like a baby-sitting co-op! By the time you got your own child back, you'd be delighted to see one another again. Meanwhile, teens are generally more cooperative in other peoples' homes, so....it'd all work!

I teach teenagers, they are great! (except during detention) I've had 4 of my own, never had any real problems with any of them.

I'm just lucky!:)

My twin sister has one son & my brother has two sons.

I am "Auntie" to them. Not "Auntie Cher", just "Auntie".

They've given me lots of pleasure and many special memories over the years.

But they are not my children

so no headaches

no braces

no college

no problems

Very cool!

If nothing else...children deserve to be wanted.

If you don't want children...don't procreate.

That is true, Cher..........................#3 in college, #4 wants braces,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:wah:

Along for the ride said it perfectly....

Tis such a personal choice, children aren't for everybody. And all the power to those individuals who have walked into a relationship, have never had children and can find it in their hearts to accept the children of their partners. You folks deserve a big hand.

When I was younger I was often asked why, if I liked children so much that I did not want any. Well, gee, I like pizza..but would not one around me 24/7.

But seriously, you have to more than "like kids" to be a good parent, in my opinion. And I never felt I related well enough to children to want any of my own. Not great parent material.

I have known too many people whose entire lives revilved around thier children..as if they lost thier own identity. All they seemed to talk about was the kids.

I just never wanted to loose me.

I love all the responses to this post! There are some CRAZY people out there who have children. I get a kick out of the type who let their kids destroy/or have a tantrum at a department store while their parents decide which brand the Jones' will approve of.

Another thing that gets to me is a fussy eater. I'd be happy as a pig in s**t to go out to a restaurant when I was a kid. I'd eat whatever was on my plate (beans, spinach/whatever) and leave with a perma-smile, then dream about it that night. Now it seems once a week at McDonalds just isnt enough. I remember going to McDonalds ONCE when I was young. The rest of the time it was whatever was on sale that week at the local grocery store. It's amazing what you appreciate when you grow up.

...Sorry, I have no one else to vent to.