Should I contact my Dad?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:39 am

On the whole I would say I had a happy childhood. I had a lot of friends and was always out and about and spent little time at home.

I have always had a loving Mom, but although there must have been some, I canâ€™t seem to remember a day as a kid when I wasnâ€™t on the receiving end of some physical â€œpunishmentâ€ from my Dad.

I was constantly shouted at and told how stupid I was. I was often informed that I was going to be â€œknocked into the middle of next weekâ€ and made aware that he would be coming down on me â€œlike a ton of bricksâ€.

I look unhappy on a lot of photos from that time, some taken straight after being shouted at so I guess itâ€™s not surprising. Iâ€™m not alone in these experiences I know, and like others, it shaped my life. My brother emerged comparatively unscathed.

I was never taken to the park, cinema, football or anything remotely Dad/Son bonding, with the exception of swimming for a couple of years when he was learning. We didnâ€™t even talk really. In later life I modelled myself on his opposite and have reaped the rewards of being a father to kids who love me.

At 15, physically maturing, I was grabbed and pushed up against a wall for the last time. Uncharacteristically, I hit back and unleashed a 4-letter tirade. This was no textbook adolescent power-struggle, just the straw that broke the camels back. As a shock and awe tactic it seemed to work, although the shouting continued and one day, the table I was sitting at was thrown over sending my dinner all up the wall over an unbelievably innocuous comment. It remained par for the course and eventually I was thrown out.

Itâ€™s not as if I was a difficult rebel. Iâ€™ve been squeaky clean. No drugs. No trouble with the law. No hell-raising â€“ rather dull in fact. Born to be Mild.

I had my first proper conversation with him when I was 21 although it was a bit stilted in the pub and we couldnâ€™t think of anything to say.

My parents divorced the next year and he was left on his own.

Apart from once with my Mom, and once with my brother, he hasnâ€™t seen them for over 20 years.

It seems ironic that even though he was ok with my brother, it was only me that went to visit him when he was alone.

The next year, my son, his first grandchild, was born. I saw a previously hidden side and he embraced being a granddad and was very full-on.

He used to come and visit once a week on a Monday night, but when my son was 5 months old, for a perfectly legitimate reason, we had to change the night to a Tuesday.

I phoned him and explained the reason and said he was welcome to come any other night.

The next time I saw him was in a totally unexpected encounter 15 years later.

In the interim period I had called him on the phone when my daughter was a few years old. I tried to phone again a week later to ask if he wanted to meet up and see her, but he had changed to another ex-directory number. I thought, blimey, this dude really doesnâ€™t want to know.

At the chance meeting, after a bit of a stand-off, we eventually chatted and got on really well. This was uncharted territory, but here he was suddenly presented with a wholesome family unit. My son was 15, and the granddaughter heâ€™d never seen was 7. I had the job, the car, the house etc â€“ a veritable regular Joe.

Harmony prevailed and we got on well, although the past was pretty taboo. My kids liked it and he and his wife seemed particularly enamoured with my wife. We even had a couple of days at the seaside together. He admitted that he had been stupid to stop seeing us, especially over something so innocent and said that heâ€™d regretted it. Everything seemed cool.

There was a definite pecking order when we were together though. My â€œlovelyâ€ wife was the centre of attention, then my son was very popular, I was some way behind him and then my daughter was an also-ran. This meant I talked to her a lot while the others were doing their thing so that she didnâ€™t feel left out.

Then things changed. While in Los Angeles, me and my wife agreed to get divorced. A few days after getting back, I thought Iâ€™d better go round and explain that we were going our separate ways. My Dad asked if I wanted a cup of tea, and then his wife told me theyâ€™d already been told. I was made to feel a little unwelcome and then my wife turned up with my daughter. They were all over her and I felt like an outsider. I just had to let myself out.

Over the next 6 months they phoned her all the time and had a massive exposure to her mendacity. I heard nothing. No calls with offers of support, or asking how I was coping and I decided that I would go to see them and get things off my chest. I gave them a truthful and unexpurgated warts and all view of the failed marriage.

The hour I expected to be there turned into six and they appeared to be taking it on board. By giving them some of the missing jigsaw pieces, they were getting a better picture. The penny dropped regarding a few things and I left feeling that I had salvaged a relationship I had gone to throw away. They admitted that they had invited my wife and daughter round for dinner on Christmas Day though which illustrated to me that they were buying into the illusion

I went to visit again and on leaving said to my Dad that he should invite me to the Bowls club heâ€™d just joined where I could give him a thrashing.

Next thing I heard, my ex-wife had been invited and no invitation to me has been forthcoming.

I donâ€™t know if I expect too much. My greatest quality is loyalty, but the problem is that I expect it back.

In the 3 years since then, they have continued to phone, go out with, be visited by, and visit my ex-wife. Even when I was only living 100 yards from her house, they still never came round. This has remained the case now Iâ€™m 2 miles away.

On impulse I phoned my Dad last September on the day his Mom would have been 100. We were chatting and got on well for about 40 minutes like nothing had happened. I asked him when he was coming to see my new house. He said heâ€™d have to see as he didnâ€™t go anywhere without his wife. At Christmas I received a card saying heâ€™d see me in the new year, but here we are at the end of July and although heâ€™s made several visits all the way over here to my ex-wifes house just down the road, he hasnâ€™t made it this far.

This week he was 77 , the day after a friend of mine lost their Mom. It made me wonder if Iâ€™m being unreasonable. Am I unfairly punishing him for misplaced loyalty?. Am I being too hard on him for presumably believing lies about me, even though he knows that both my kids fully endorse my version of events?

What do I want from him? Am I just trying to salvage a pseudo-relationship so that I donâ€™t feel bad when heâ€™s no longer around?. Am I looking for approval from someone who continues to reject me and who has played no active role in a total of 18 years of my adult life?

The main question really, is should I forget about a man whose abusive nature is in the distant past, who has shown me no love or loyalty, and who 3 years after my divorce has yet to phone, write, visit or offer any support?.

Or yet again, for about the 8th time, should I just phone him?

My ex-wife asked me if I wanted to pick my daughter up when my Dad was round at her house, but I just didnâ€™t want a meeting on her turf where everyoneâ€™s playing happy families.

This is an unusual thread for me as I donâ€™t normally get on the Forum couch, but I really donâ€™t know which way to go on this and I value your opinions even if itâ€™s something I wonâ€™t want to hear.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:53 am

:yh_hugs My gut reaction is to say leave it, you've given him ample opportunity to keep this relationship going. Is he controlled by his wife? The comment that he only goes where his wife goes seems to be an excuse for himself not being able to say he doesn't actually want to continue with the relationship. Sorry Kram you wanted the truth!

Ultimately its down to you whether you make that phone call though, and if I was in your shoes I'd probably make it! I'm the type that has to keep giving people chances and thinks just maybe, what if...........

:-4 :-4

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:57 am

i have a similar past & just wanted to give you a cyber hug & post a quote from one of my fav ladies - Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:00 am

Betty Boop wrote: :yh_hugs My gut reaction is to say leave it, you've given him ample opportunity to keep this relationship going. Is he controlled by his wife? The comment that he only goes where his wife goes seems to be an excuse for himself not being able to say he doesn't actually want to continue with the relationship. Sorry Kram you wanted the truth!

Ultimately its down to you whether you make that phone call though, and if I was in your shoes I'd probably make it! I'm the type that has to keep giving people chances and thinks just maybe, what if...........

:-4 :-4
Thanks Betty. Nothing wrong with the truth. Although we all lived in an oppressive regime (sent to bed without any dinner for accidentally dropping a cake on the floor for example), in his second marriage, it's definately his domineering wife who wears the trousers. As my ex-wife has the same trait, this goes some way to explaining their affinity with her

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:05 am

That's a good one, butter. Here's another one I like:

Regret what you do, not what you wish you'd done ~~ BabyRider

If you feel you need to give him another chance, do it. If you feel you need to give him 10 more chances, do it. There is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to things like this. You're talking about your dad, after all. If you are able to deal with the {seemingly} continued rejection and feel you can't write him off, don't. BUT, if it's something that is going to cause you constant grief to keep trying and trying and spinning your wheels, do yourself a favor and sever the ties, whatever is left of them. If this is simply a guilty conscience because it IS your father, don't let that keep you from being happy and content in whatever choice you make. It's a tough call either way, Kram, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe just keep talking about it here and get more input before you make any "for sure" choices. Wishing you the best. :-4

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:08 am

Uncle Kram wrote: Thanks Betty. Nothing wrong with the truth. Although we all lived in an oppressive regime (sent to bed without any dinner for accidentally dropping a cake on the floor for example), in his second marriage, it's definately his domineering wife who wears the trousers. As my ex-wife has the same trait, this goes some way to explaining their affinity with her

Wow, that was an oppresive regime! I wonder if he was brought up strictly and just thought that was the way to go.

Hugh Janus · Post by **Hugh Janus** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:09 am

Oh hell mate. You have brought up such a lot of long lost memories within me that I had to wait a while before replying.

I too had a very bad experience with my father. Many was the time that I wished him dead, when I was a kid. He himself was a product of a broken home, and his own mother didn't know how to show affection. So it was no surprise that he never knew how to show affection to his own family.

My mother was warned not to marry him, even though she was pregnant. Things like out of wedlock pregnancies were very taboo in the late 50s.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. I went into the Army at 16, primarily to get away from him. However I was invalided out after 2 yrs. But, I never went home. I struck out on my own, and gained the independence I craved. I never spoke or had any dealings with my father for over 20yrs. He had grandchildren that he never saw, and a daughter-in-law that he never saw.

However My brother still had contact with him. and one day my brother suggested that I went to the pub on a Sunday, where my father was in regular attendance. So I bit the bullet and went.

Things were brilliant. My father didn't exactly throw his arms around me and weep.( I never expected he would) But we actually got on very well. The massive ogre of a man who terrorised me during my childhood years had been replaced with someone who was actually slightly smaller than myself. And all the big muscly arms seemed to have turned into normal arms. This was a man who scared me to death when I was a kid, but who suddenly didn't have a good scare left in him.

As I said. We got on extremely well. I forgave and forgot. And he seemed to not even remember. Over the next 5 years our relationship grew stronger. Suddenly I had a father. I started to see the part of him that others saw. Not as a frightened kid, but as an equel.

As I said. 5yrs.

Then one November he was diagnosed with a cancer.

The following February we were at the Cemetary. The illness was swift and progressive. My biggest thought was. "I have been cheated, he was only 62, He shouldn't have died, not at that age."

So in answer to your question I would say... Go and see him while you still can, I wish I could still go and see my father...

annabelle · Post by **annabelle** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:33 am

Uncle Kram .... That really pulled at the heart string's. I'm so sorry you've had a father who's decided to alienate himself from you. I guess it's the luck of the draw which type of parent we end with, some of us are lucky, some not.

I personally feel you've done everything possible to maintain a "normal" father/son relationship, he seems to have gone out of his way to throw it back in your face. If it were my father I'd have nothing more to do with him, AFTER telling him exactly what I thought of him.

I truely admire your loyalty, your father isn't worthy of it. You can be justly proud of your efforts to hold all this together. I hope one day you'll be with someone who can reciprocate your feeling's and bring you a liberal dose of long overdue happiness.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:41 am

Oh Unc', we cannot change some people. I do not know why your father has such a stand-offish, which is too mild a word, for you. Blood is thicker then water, you should always come first in his life. It is his loss, not yours, to have kept a good relationship with you.

In your heart, you must feel like you still want his acceptance, and love. So, I think you should try to see him.

But this is how I would do it-I would write him a letter, and frankly tell him you have been hurt all these years from his neglect of you. That you want to have a nice father-son relationship, and have tried many times, but been brushed off. If he isn't willing to have an honest talk about it with you, it will not be a nice visit just to see him. The underlying hurt and tension will still remain. And leave you in limbo whether he will be around again.

I think I may not have been very helpful. I cannot fanthom not seeing my children-gosh, my oldest turned 32 this week. He is 2300 miles away, but I am on the phone telling him I love him, and miss him, hoping he is doing well (he is, such a good boy) My children and I have been close, and nothing will ever change that. I wish the same for you.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:43 am

Betty Boop wrote: Wow, that was an oppresive regime! I wonder if he was brought up strictly and just thought that was the way to go.

Thanks BR and Betty.

I know he had a hard time off my Grandad who he claims hit him with a belt until the buckle broke off. Sooner or later though, the cycle has to be broken and that's what I endeavoured to do with my kids.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:53 am

Unc...your story is not unique and sadly I bet a lot of us can relate to it.

I'm very much with BR on this. Go with your heart....do what YOU think is right. At least at the end of the day you know that you DID YOUR BEST.

Just don't let this be an all consuming mission that spoils your everyday life.....you're worth more and he is responsible for his actions....and the consequences. He's missing out on all that is good about a father/son relationship. You have a lovely family of your own....enjoy :-4

Hugh...I was so sad to read your story...such a shame to have bad memories about your chldhood. It was sad to lose your Dad when you'd only just 'found him'....just remember and savour those precious 5 years :yh_hugs

Hugh Janus · Post by **Hugh Janus** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:58 am

Thanks Bez. I do just that

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:01 am

Uncle Kram wrote: in his second marriage, it's definately his domineering wife who wears the trousers. As my ex-wife has the same trait, this goes some way to explaining their affinity with herI think you hit the nail on the head, he's being led by the nose by his wife.

I say call him, if you leave it you may only regret it.

:yh_hugs

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:31 am

Friend.

Father son relationships are difficult, Im in the same boat with you for different reasons. I suspect many many men are. A relationship with your father (my father) isnt well defined, its not clear to me what it is. I tun into a child when Im near him and I find myself needing his approval. I also dont relate to men very well, I suppose because of our distant relationship. My brother and I are just now trying to sort out what we are as brothers, but thats a whole different can of worms.

My father recently wrote a book about our family, it looks as if it will be published, but I havent seen it. I suspect this is his offering and declaration, I dont know. But this is about you. Unc, if it were me I would mail your post here to him. It speaks very well of who you are and what you think and feel. Its gentle but at the same time it asks all the important questions. I sincerely hope you find the answers you are looking for. If you do this and its well recieved, perhaps it will bring you some comfort and piece of mind. The very best you can do is to communicate to him your soul. Also since you have children, of course you owe them better than what your father provided you. This might be the silver lining for you. The opportunity to help them in their journey through the knowledge you have aquired in what not to do.

My best to you.

Peace and love

Brian

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:37 am

Nomad wrote: I would mail your post here to him.
I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. :yh_clap

Include the replies.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:46 am

BabyRider wrote: I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. :yh_clap

Include the replies.

That is a fabulous idea.

Would you do it, Mark?

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 7:14 am

Nomad wrote: Friend.

I tun into a child when Im near him and I find myself needing his approval. My best to you.

Peace and love

Brian

You have put into words how I felt all my adult life with my Mum but I never realised it until now. Thank you

minks · Post by **minks** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 8:54 am

wow guys all of you Huggs to you all.

I think if you have any inklings within yourself that you may regret not being in touch with someone again, do call them up or drop by. It may be your last chance.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:18 am

Thanks guys. I'm gonna have to think a while. I'm torn between the two choices. There are rejection and betrayal issues for me which are hard to accept, but by the same token, time is running out. With his age to consider, this is even more relevant. I suspect I will be drawn to yet another attempt to reconcile as the "what ifs" could burden me in future. I suspect that they, and particularly his wife, probably feel that I should have visited them. It's all been one way traffic though and unlike the rest of my family and friends, they just haven't come through for me. Family relationships seem so much more complex than friendships.

It is true though that I have learned to be a good father from this experience and that is the greatest prize.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:20 am

Uncle Kram wrote: It is true though that I have learned to be a good father from this experience and that is the greatest prize.

Indeed.

Your children are lucky to have a Dad like you :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 2:24 pm

My brother phoned him a couple of years back and asked him to go out for a beer. He declined saying that as he hadn't seen him in 20 years he didn't see any reason why he should. My brother was hurt and said "Well would you want me to turn up at your funeral?"

My Dad said "I don't care , I'll be dead wont I?".

In the 4 year period where I found a relationship with my Dad, I often felt guilty that my brother didn't share this and made many efforts to get my Dad to see him but it didn't happen. One of the things holding me back is the notion of being disloyal to my brother, who more than anyone supported me through my divorce. Would it accentuate his feelings of being abandoned? Remember he was the favourite son, so he lost much more than I did.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 2:34 pm

Wow, that is hard to reply to that. I cannot imagine the hurt your brother must have felt at being rebuffed in that way.

If you think trying to see your father would hurt your brother, talk to your brother first.

Unc', maybe there are some things we cannot change, no matter how much we want to. Especially another person. If this is even making you feel bad inside-and you should not, but we do anyway-I say drop it for awhile. Maybe write out how you feel and mail it to him. Or send it by messenger to make sure it is delivered. Then leave it be. Let your father make the first move in response. If he does not, you can do nothing to change him.

You will have known you tried.

You will have told him you love him.

You will have stretched out your hand, to make a relationship again with him.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 2:36 pm

Uncle Kram there is no easy answer here at all. I had the very same relationship with my mother growing up. I have as an adult women taken it upon myself to mend the hurt in little steps at a time. We still don't get on well at times, but I have learned with age that we won't and that is OK. She is who she is and she will be that way till she is no longer here. I understand that now and don't hold it against her, but that took decades.

Sometimes things are not ment to be no matter how hard you try. You will know what to do when the time is right. When you do it may be just doing nothing is right as well. Good Luck mate ..:-4

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 2:55 pm

What do I want from him? Am I just trying to salvage a pseudo-relationship so that I donâ€™t feel bad when heâ€™s no longer around?. Am I looking for approval from someone who continues to reject me and who has played no active role in a total of 18 years of my adult life?

The main question really, is should I forget about a man whose abusive nature is in the distant past, who has shown me no love or loyalty, and who 3 years after my divorce has yet to phone, write, visit or offer any support?.

Or yet again, for about the 8th time, should I just phone him?

Unc. You have had some very good replies here. But have they answered your questions yet?

I have one question for you - what do your instincts and intuition tell you that you should do?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:43 pm

I know my brother thinks the old mans a fool and I know he would discourage me from seeing him. We are very close and I really don't want to hurt him. He would be offended if he knew I was even thinking about it.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 5:43 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: I know my brother thinks the old mans a fool and I know he would discourage me from seeing him. We are very close and I really don't want to hurt him. He would be offended if he knew I was even thinking about it.

I spent last weekend on the boat w/ my sis, her family and my brothers ex wife and her kids. My brother told my sis if his ex was in her life then he couldnt be. That strikes me as very immature Unc and its just not fair. You and your brother love eachother, tell him its something you need to do, tell him in the way you told us. If hes half the man you are it will be ok. If not, your not doing anything wrong, in fact your doing the right thing. Id like to think we could be friends if we were nearer eachother.

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 7:15 pm

I cannot add much to the responses you have been given. I enter this conversation late, sorry. But, I am reminded of a question that married couples who are having difficulty are asked. That question is... "Are you better off with this person, or without them". Will seeing your father, and being an active participant in his life (and he in yours) make you feel or simply be better? When all is said and done, what does your gut say about the importance of having him a part of your life? If you can give yourself honest answers tho these questions, you will have an honest answer to your question.

Good luck to you, Kram!!:)

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 3:39 am

Although we idolise each other, and our dear old Mom, me and my brother took different paths when we reached the fork in the road when our parents divorced.

In 1983, I got my current job, married, bought my first house and became a father. I worked hard and worked my way up.

My brother worked for 6 months then lost his job. He hasnt worked for the last 26 years and he lives alone with no partner. He has not been without his problems. He has seen counsellors about his drink problem, depression and issues about my Dad too. He is a great artist, photographer and one of the best guitarists I've ever heard. He's a natural musician. He bought a clarinet on impulse and a couple of days later was playing well enough to go busking!.

So we're very different.

I'm not judgemental about his life but I know he sees me trapped in the Rat-Race. He has a different perspective on life but we are tied by our shared love for each other, our Mom and my kids and we are in daily contact.

When I hooked up again with my Dad, my ex-wife kept telling my Dad how I'd achieved this that and the other while my brother was a drinker who didn't work etc. Really painting him in a bad light and it was left to me to tell my Dad what a warm and generous person my brother is. My ex wanted to be the centre of my Dads universe and rubbished my brother at every opportunity. She had no father so my Dad received an inordinate amount of attention as a substitute from my over-tactile ex. All the "you're the daughter I never had" stuff was encouraged constantly.

I think deep down, my brother sees the way our Dad would look at the two of us, and in his mind, I think he believes that he couldn't compete with the more acceptable path taken by me. It's a shame. Strip away the lifestyles and he's a better man than I.

And I told my Dad that too.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 4:57 am

Mark,

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that you *don't* bother contacting your Dad. It seems that when you put your heart out there for him, he has repeatedly rebuffed your sincere efforts to have a relationship.

I feel that if you do it again, the same thing would happen. Why should this time be any different? I think you need to preserve your heart and soul; it seems he destroys a little part of either one whenever you've attempted a relationship with him.

Bottom line: he is *not* going to change. Period. Why set yourself up for the rejection again? You deserve so much better.

I'm glad you are so close to your brother. Now that is a relationship worth nurturing.

Do you see the difference? One makes you happy, one makes you sad. One fills your heart; the other breaks your heart.

Be well. I care :-4

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 6:11 am

My opinion first, then the grain of salt you should take it with.

Give your loyalty to your brother. He's the one that's returned it. Your father abused you, That's mostly in the past, but I think this angst comes from the abuse - same reason abused wives stay with their husbands, rape victims fall for the rapists, kicked dogs keep returning to the one that kicked 'em, etc.

He's given you nothing, less than nothing. He deserves the same. Anything more is a gift from you he may appreciate but won't reciprocate. ...... and it may place a wedge between you and the one who has returned your loyalty, your brother.

~~~~~~~~~~

I'm the youngest of five. My parents divorced when I was ten & Daddy left. To this day, my siblings won't speak of what happened, though I remember him hitting everyone except my eldest sister - spanked me & slapped me once, but drew blood on my mother, 2 brothers and 1 sister.

My mother died just before my 12th birthday. I saw my father for the first time since the divorce at the funeral. I went into the foster care system. That was 1974.

As an adult, I've contacted him many times. He remarried, and is reportedly a good man to one and all. Deacon of his church and wonderful granddad to his stepkids' kids. Every single time I called or visited, he welcomed me with open arms - even hugged my Japanese wife, though he had no problem telling me interracial bondings were against God's will.

But something always bugged me. It was always my initiation. When I left his house, he went back to his life and never contacted me - not once. When I asked him point-blank about the divorce and about why he never took custody of me, he took no responsibility for anything and never gave any details at all. He showed all the regret of one offering a guest a cup of coffee and being turned down.

My eldest brother always fought for me - even got the courts to give him custody for a short while, though we quickly found that was a bad idea. He told me he was proud of me, always was ready with advice if I asked ... but wouldn't speak of or to our father. He told me he had his relationship with Dad and I had mine. He would never begrudge mine, and would not sully it with his feelings.

My biggest achievement was completing 20 years in the Air Force. I wanted everyone to come and watch me wallow in self-satisfaction. My brother accepted his invitation before I sent it. I told him I'd sent invitations to everyone, including Dad. He said he'd be there and would never let his personal feelings ruin my day. He called it my day.

I truly didn't expect Dad to accept my invitation, because it would involve traveling over halfway across the US. I was surprised when I got my first ever phone call from him. He said that he & his wife were planning a vacation about that time, and that they might be able to swing by. It was his version of RSVP. It instantly crystallized for me. I saw my relationship with my brother, and my pseudo-relationship with my father. I had put forth 100% of the energy to sustain the latter and had received nothing in return. He did not deserve to share in my celebration. I told him it'd be "nice" if they made it, but I'd really sent out the invitations as souvenirs, since I knew most wouldn't be able to make it, except older brother, of course.

I hung up the phone in 2002 and am still waiting for another contact - but I ain't holding my breath.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 6:35 am

:-4 Acc :-4

We love you

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 6:54 am

Uncle Kram. We are not meant to live for the past. We each of us have to let the past go and live in the present.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:37 pm

After posting on this thread, this topic was at the forefront of my mind yesterday. With a busy day at work today I paid it no mind at all and eased back into normality.

But, just as I was shutting down my computer at work and preparing to lock up, without any (conscious) pre-meditation, I suddenly found myself dialling my Dads number. If I'd thought about it, it wouldn't have happened. Thinking about it now, maybe deep down, I'd already made that decision.

It shows how long it's been though...I got it wrong and had to look it up.

In truth, I didn't think he'd be there as he always goes to the South Coast for a fortnight in July. It rang to the point where I was about to hang up, and then suddenly there was that familiar voice.

He sounded fairly pleased and announced it was me to his wife. I didn't say as much as he did. I just let him rattle on about his Bowls exploits and other news prompted in the background by his wife.

I asked him if he was going to come over. He checked with his wife and said it couldn't be next weekend. I wasn't looking for a specific appointment just an indication of intent. He said he'd have to look directions up. He sounded chipper enough and thanked me for calling. I told him to give me a bell if he wanted to come over. I guess the ball's in his court now. I'll see what happens before I speak to my brother about it.

If I'd been speaking to anyone else, I'd have said it sounded as though he was going to come, but like Accountable, I won't hold my breath. I hear the lack of oxygen isn't too good for you

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:40 pm

Good luck, Uncle Kram.

May you get what you truly want and deserve :-4

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:45 pm

Pinky wrote: which is better than leaving it and always wondering 'what if?'

That's true.

"What if" is a tough game to play.

You always lose

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:48 pm

I am glad you called him, Unc'. Now you know you have tried, and just wait to see if he comes to visit or ring you.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:54 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: On the whole I would say I had a happy childhood.

Good. Talk, IMO. Don't analyse, don't "go back", things can never be the same

as they were in aeons past. Look to the present and the future. Just keep in

touch if you can. If you can do/get more, hurrah! That's what I('d) do. Stuff

happens, but you have to keep plugging away.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 1:55 pm

OpenMind wrote: Uncle Kram. We are not meant to live for the past. We each of us have to let the past go and live in the present.

Unc

It's good to keep in mind what our wise Ommmmm has stated.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 3:01 pm

We're always here for you, Unc. Whatever you decide, we're behind you.

I hope you got something from what everyone has posted here.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 3:25 pm

OpenMind wrote: We're always here for you, Unc. Whatever you decide, we're behind you.

I hope you got something from what everyone has posted here.

Thanks OM.

My friends are what make me tick. It means a lot to me that everyone has taken the time and trouble and been thoughtful enough to give me something to think about.

I have elected to pursue reunion for now. This does not mean that kind advice to the contrary was dismissed. It may yet have validity.

Would have been interesting to have been a fly-on-the-wall at the Old Mans when he put the phone down. Watch this space folks.