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A relationship end nicely? Im best of friends with my x husband & have been for many years but there was a lot of shouting & hurtful comments, a lot of friends of ours became friends of his or friends of mine. Family & others threw in tuppence worth & all they done was make it worse.

Is it possible to bypass all that crap or is that just how break ups are?

buttercup;550632 wrote: A relationship end nicely? Im best of friends with my x husband & have been for many years but there was a lot of shouting & hurtful comments, a lot of friends of ours became friends of his or friends of mine. Family & others threw in tuppence worth & all they done was make it worse.

Is it possible to bypass all that crap or is that just how break ups are?


Unfortunately, Buttercup, I think that is just how things are. We can decide who gets the car, the house, the kids, etc., but when it comes to ppl... My ex and I both realized that the final ? is "Who gets the friends??" :-1

er yup but i cant tell you the details or this one will end in a very messy way :yh_nailbi :yh_nailbi :yh_nailbi

All my relationships except for 1 has ended nicely. Well when I say nicely I mean we have parted on good terms and been on a friendly basis after.

Can you expand a bit jp?

like do you say its over, here is my reason why. She says fair enough, you civily work out who gets what & its as easy as that? not one cross word?

buttercup;550644 wrote: Can you expand a bit jp?

like do you say its over, here is my reason why. She says fair enough, you civily work out who gets what & its as easy as that? not one cross word?


Pretty much as you described it, by the time we get to the break up stage we have already discussed the fact that the relationship was heading nowhere or was going through problems. We both know the end is coming it just takes one of us to make the move. I am not overly materialistic so tend not to walk away with much of the stuff and only take what really matters to me so never had arguments about that.

I think agreement is the key factor to keeping things pleasant.

My ex and I agreed that we were better off apart. Even with that he wanted to blame me for the reason why we were better off apart and I just didn't fight about it. I'd say things like, "tell yourself whatever you need to". I didn't try to blame him back. Eventually when the anger and hurt subsided we became friends.

Jp How long did you both continue the relationship knowing it was going nowhere? & do you think that relationships only end badly when one person does not want it to end?

buttercup;550682 wrote: Jp How long did you both continue the relationship knowing it was going nowhere? & do you think that relationships only end badly when one person does not want it to end?


Normally the relationship only lasts a couple of months once one of us realises things are going nowhere. You discuss whats not working how you can fix things if things can be fixed. If after a couple of months nothing is resolved you can pretty much except that its all over.

But what about when one person does not want it to end?

buttercup;550632 wrote: A relationship end nicely? Im best of friends with my x husband & have been for many years but there was a lot of shouting & hurtful comments, a lot of friends of ours became friends of his or friends of mine. Family & others threw in tuppence worth & all they done was make it worse.

Is it possible to bypass all that crap or is that just how break ups are?


I think that it can end nicely, if it is a mutal decision and family and friends aren't pulled in to referee. I think problems can occur when one partner still has strong feelings for the other, they find it hard to move on and even harder to watch their ex doing just that. They then normally talk to family and friends about the situation, and these people whether through loyalty, anger or just feeling that they must vocally support their friends, tend to stick their noses in.

JMO

I think your right Suzy its just that ive never seen a relationship end where both parties are happy to call it quits, i wondered how common that is?

buttercup;550692 wrote: But what about when one person does not want it to end?


Those times there is little other choice than to get more and more blunt until it is brutal. In fact, I had a conversation once that I started with "I've got a few things I need to make clear to you. I will continue to say each thing until I'm sure you understand. The longer it takes the more brutal it will get so please listen carefully."

I had to break up with one guy at least a dozen times. Daily. Then he'd phone me back the next day and ask when I was picking him up from work and I'd have to explain each time that he should not expect to see me again. I had to get more and more abusive about it each time until he started asking how I expected him to stay my boyfriend when I was so mean to him. "That's the point. I don't!" And he still called me back the next day.

When actually sharing the same residence it can come down to having to make the place so hostile in environment that the person can't stand to be there anymore and finally gives up trying. I'd much rather just move out and explain it later, if possible.

buttercup;550699 wrote: I think your right Suzy its just that ive never seen a relationship end where both parties are happy to call it quits, i wondered how common that is?


It is really hard, I think people that tend to jointly decide it's over, are the ones that have had a longer relationship, then normally all the money and splitting the things they've amassed together can bring in another set of problems, where people feel they can stick their beak in.

All my break ups have been bad, but usually cause i've been a B****:D

Some of the stumbling blocks Ive encountered that prevent things from ending nicely are: One party feels used or taken advantage of by the other.

One party doesnt uphold agreements made regarding chidren, finances, etc..

One party gets involved with someone else, while emmotions are still raw.

My last man in my life felt I owed him money. ( Lost a 25 year friend)

My ex husband didnt support his children $$ ( lots of arguing)

Both got involved with other women before our relationship was over ( tremendous, anger. humiliation) When the realization hits and is accepted that most relationships are not forever.... endings can be more pleasant, and less hostile.

My brother's wife had an affair then made huge efforts to demonize my brother so she wouldn't look bad. Months of her blurting out everything she could think of that might justify her affair. Then when he started dating the woman, about ten months later, who used to child mind for them she stood at the end of his driveway and called the woman a whore. Not enough. When the woman moved in with him she then decided that the children shouldn't be allowed to visit his home if the new lady was present because she was unstable and not to be trusted around the kids. We're talking about someone she personally selected as the best daycare provider when they were still married. She forced them to break up... if he ever wanted to spend time with his kids again.

Why? Guilt.

koan;550726 wrote: My brother's wife had an affair then made huge efforts to demonize my brother so she wouldn't look bad. Months of her blurting out everything she could think of that might justify her affair. Then when he started dating the woman, about ten months later, who used to child mind for them she stood at the end of his driveway and called the woman a whore. Not enough. When the woman moved in with him she then decided that the children shouldn't be allowed to visit his home if the new lady was present because she was unstable and not to be trusted around the kids. We're talking about someone she personally selected as the best daycare provider when they were still married. She forced them to break up... if he ever wanted to spend time with his kids again.

Why? Guilt.


Unfortunately this does not surprise me at all, women are far more devious in break ups than men. Ive seen plenty of dads have problems seeing kids because they have a new partner, ironic really because they were the one's thrown out. So... what they are not allowed a new life?

yep.

women are far more devious.

I told the story because, having said that I diffused what could have gotten ugly by not fighting back, my brother tried the same and it didn't work. He even agreed to take a self improvement course after they split and phoned everyone he knew to apologise for whatever wrong he could think of he might feel sorry for. Totally humiliated himself to please her. It still didn't take the froth from her mouth.

My own experience is that some relationships end alright and in a reasonable manner, some do not, some women are cool about it, some are not, sometimes I was cool, sometimes I wasn't. I am not naming any names though because its personal, and I hope this thread is not somehow directed at recent events regarding 2 members. Relationships break up all the time, sometimes its ok, sometimes it isn't, there is no great mystery to any of it if you ask me.

Galbally;550742 wrote: My own experience is that some relationships end alright and in a reasonable manner, some do not, some women are cool about it, some are not, sometimes I was cool, sometimes I wasn't. I am not naming any names though because its personal, and I hope this thread is not somehow directed at recent events regarding 2 members. Relationships break up all the time, sometimes its ok, sometimes it isn't, there is no great mystery to any of it if you ask me.


We've had a number of threads about the same basic subject over the last few months Dr G. I don't see any reason to think this is any different. If there is any connection, it's most likely just that stuff that happens gets you to thinking about the subject as a whole.

koan;550726 wrote: My brother's wife had an affair then made huge efforts to demonize my brother so she wouldn't look bad. Months of her blurting out everything she could think of that might justify her affair. Then when he started dating the woman, about ten months later, who used to child mind for them she stood at the end of his driveway and called the woman a whore. Not enough. When the woman moved in with him she then decided that the children shouldn't be allowed to visit his home if the new lady was present because she was unstable and not to be trusted around the kids. We're talking about someone she personally selected as the best daycare provider when they were still married. She forced them to break up... if he ever wanted to spend time with his kids again.

Why? Guilt.


Koan,

I can totally relate to your brothers situation... mine was similar with my ex-husband. I won't go into details, but this was very similar to my life 3-4 years ago.

My un-educated, from experience opinion is ...ummm She's a CONTROL FREAK!

They have to have the last word and she doesn't want him, but no-one else can have him either...very sad, especially when children are involved.

Yes, she is a control freak.

I chose to say the reason was guilt because, in the end, she has a self image that she is perfect and when that image is challenged she comes out like a pit bull. I think it is based on guilt for not being perfect. It is kinder to say it that way and potentially more helpful.

Does he see the kids regular now & has he been allowed :rolleyes: a new partner yet?

buttercup;550767 wrote: Does he see the kids regular now & has he been allowed :rolleyes: a new partner yet?


They ended up in court until they both ran out of money.

He had to file for access. No. He's still single, but hoping that once the documents are set he can resume a normal life.



eta: yes, she had to give him limited access in the meantime but no, he hasn't been allowed a new partner. Nor are my parents allowed to babysit for him. That means the time he does have them he can't do anything else.

koan;550773 wrote: They ended up in court until they both ran out of money.

He had to file for access. No. He's still single, but hoping that once the documents are set he can resume a normal life.



eta: yes, she had to give him limited access in the meantime but no, he hasn't been allowed a new partner. Nor are my parents allowed to babysit for him. That means the time he does have them he can't do anything else.


That's horrible. I am so sorry for him. She really has to have the control huh?

I agree that guilt plays a part, but she would probably never admit to that or will she ever see her doing any harm to anyone...she's been wronged and thats all that matters...:-5

To answer the question to the OP, I have good friends that hang out with their ex's and new spouses on a reg. basis. I think its awesome yet weird. But it works out for them.

Nutshell, when a relationship ends on good terms, usually both people just are level headed adults and can go their separate ways. When there is a control or selfish issue, then there are problems. IMO (from experience, have had both)

My young son, fell in love with a girl, quickly... a few years ago. They were basically strangers. Drawn together for all the same reasons we all are, in the beginning. Blinded to any potential faults or shortcomings that might cause pain up the road. She became preganant quickly. He was on cloud nine. 6 weeks after bringing my grandson home, she decided that being a wife and mother, just wasnt for her. One evening, arriving home from work... her parents were there. Her bags and the babies were packed. They left him standing in the apartment alone. He was devastated. Because he loved her so much, and had fallen in love with his new son... he of course made attempts to convince her to come home. He was so unable to cope with this loss that there were times that his behavior was out of controll. He simply couldnt grasp that she had the power to not only leave him, but to take his son away as well. And so in an attempt to keep him away, and unable to accept responsibility for her change of heart affecting 2 other lives. She told the police that his behavior frightened her. She had him in and out of jail 3 times. She would call him and if he called her back, she would have him arrested. He lost his job. He lost his apartment. He lost his will to live. He suffers from depression now. He has often turned to drugs to ease his pain. He often feels ashamed to see his son. I returned to Virginia, took a small apartment, and gave him one of the rooms, in an attempt to help him recover. The situation destroyed him. There is no way that the breakup could be pleasant. I always hope that with time and maturity, these two young people will be able to take joint responsibility for their child.

Right now, he is drug free and slowly taking steps to get his life back on track. More than 2 years have gone by. He is the kind of personality that needs someone. My hope is that the next time around, he will allow himself a very long time to get to know someone. Its not a fool proof insurance policy, but it is the best tool we have to make wise decisions regarding where we place our trust, and who we share our lives with.