ForumGarden

I don't know why I'm writing this here. I'm not looking for advice, or comfort, or attention. I guess I just wanna tell the story...so others can avoid the kind of crap I've put myself through.

I have a wonderful life....with a beautiful loving family, a good job, a nice house, great friends, the whole nine yards. But I've spent the last few years in a state of sadness, deep in my heart. It's felt like I've been missing something, or that I'm not living the life that I was meant to, or that I'm lacking something important and meaningful. It's been tearing my up inside for a long time...years in fact. I've never been able to pinpoint the problem...but I've wanted change so desperately, that I've made some serious mistakes in the past while. I've hurt other people around me...ones who simply got in the way of my confusion.

Worst part of all, is that I've felt terrible for feeling terrible, if that makes any sense. I've cried so often wondering what the heck has been the matter with me...wondering why I can't embrace the picture-perfect life I've got. I'm sad for feeling sad.

I've bottled it all in for so long, and finally, this past week, I've shared the sorrow and grief with my family. I've scared them all because they don't understand what I need or why I need it any more than I can explain it to them. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I've felt so lonely inside.

I'm glad I finally talked to them about it, though. It was a huge relief off of my chest. I cried openly and it felt good. Soon, I start the healing process with some professional help. I'm embarrassed for needing it, but I have to know what's wrong. I have to know what I'm lacking, or what I'm missing, or what I need to do to help myself.

I've reached out in different ways to different people throughout my entire ordeal, people that didn't know me from a hole in the ground, and I've hurt them all. One by one, I've sabotaged whatever friendship was brewing with these great new people...because I either felt too much, shared too much, or just pushed them away when it felt like I might just be happy again. For whatever reason, embracing happiness has been my greatest challenge.

I'm sure the answer lies within the realm of self-esteem. But I'm not 17. Nor have I been through a rotten life, by any means. I think I look okay, I know I have a good job where I'm well-respected, I know the friends that I hang out with like and care about me. I know I'm loved by my family.

But this nagging, annoying feeling persists that I'm supposed to be elsewhere.

Tonight...I'm just incredibly sorry for all the people I've hurt. The innocent bystanders who I trapped under the illusion of "just wanting to meet a new friend" ...the ones I met here and there. The ones I got to know so well. The ones who thought I'd be this super-amazing friend....only to watch me dissappoint them with either an emotional breakdown, enormous pressure to save me, or just pushing them away in the face of my own anger.

I want to say sorry to them...but most have moved on. They've either forgotten, ignored, or just avoided me at all costs.

I guess my family is the one who I should feel most sorry for. They're the ones that have been left in the dark while I secretly have felt awful. I should have talked to them sooner. I should have addressed this stuff a looooong time ago. But I really was just afraid to speak because I didn't know what the problem was. I still don't know.

But in a few days...I'm going to find out. Finally. I'm scared of what it might mean. It might mean I do really require the change I seek. Or perhaps I just need a swift kick in the pants and to calm down for a moment and to look in the mirror...and say..."Hey, this really isn't so bad."

I can't wait to talk about this stuff, from the beginning with an "expert."

I just wish I would have had the courage to do it sooner. I would have saved myself, my family, and so many others a whole pile of headache.

you are most welcome to fg.....we are very glad to have you here....:-6



hugs

guppy

Oatneal;577112 wrote: I don't know why I'm writing this here. I'm not looking for advice, or comfort, or attention. I guess I just wanna tell the story...so others can avoid the kind of crap I've put myself through.

I have a wonderful life....with a beautiful loving family, a good job, a nice house, great friends, the whole nine yards. But I've spent the last few years in a state of sadness, deep in my heart. It's felt like I've been missing something, or that I'm not living the life that I was meant to, or that I'm lacking something important and meaningful. It's been tearing my up inside for a long time...years in fact. I've never been able to pinpoint the problem...but I've wanted change so desperately, that I've made some serious mistakes in the past while. I've hurt other people around me...ones who simply got in the way of my confusion.

Worst part of all, is that I've felt terrible for feeling terrible, if that makes any sense. I've cried so often wondering what the heck has been the matter with me...wondering why I can't embrace the picture-perfect life I've got. I'm sad for feeling sad.

I've bottled it all in for so long, and finally, this past week, I've shared the sorrow and grief with my family. I've scared them all because they don't understand what I need or why I need it any more than I can explain it to them. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I've felt so lonely inside.

I'm glad I finally talked to them about it, though. It was a huge relief off of my chest. I cried openly and it felt good. Soon, I start the healing process with some professional help. I'm embarrassed for needing it, but I have to know what's wrong. I have to know what I'm lacking, or what I'm missing, or what I need to do to help myself.

I've reached out in different ways to different people throughout my entire ordeal, people that didn't know me from a hole in the ground, and I've hurt them all. One by one, I've sabotaged whatever friendship was brewing with these great new people...because I either felt too much, shared too much, or just pushed them away when it felt like I might just be happy again. For whatever reason, embracing happiness has been my greatest challenge.

I'm sure the answer lies within the realm of self-esteem. But I'm not 17. Nor have I been through a rotten life, by any means. I think I look okay, I know I have a good job where I'm well-respected, I know the friends that I hang out with like and care about me. I know I'm loved by my family.

But this nagging, annoying feeling persists that I'm supposed to be elsewhere.

Tonight...I'm just incredibly sorry for all the people I've hurt. The innocent bystanders who I trapped under the illusion of "just wanting to meet a new friend" ...the ones I met here and there. The ones I got to know so well. The ones who thought I'd be this super-amazing friend....only to watch me dissappoint them with either an emotional breakdown, enormous pressure to save me, or just pushing them away in the face of my own anger.

I want to say sorry to them...but most have moved on. They've either forgotten, ignored, or just avoided me at all costs.

I guess my family is the one who I should feel most sorry for. They're the ones that have been left in the dark while I secretly have felt awful. I should have talked to them sooner. I should have addressed this stuff a looooong time ago. But I really was just afraid to speak because I didn't know what the problem was. I still don't know.

But in a few days...I'm going to find out. Finally. I'm scared of what it might mean. It might mean I do really require the change I seek. Or perhaps I just need a swift kick in the pants and to calm down for a moment and to look in the mirror...and say..."Hey, this really isn't so bad."

I can't wait to talk about this stuff, from the beginning with an "expert."

I just wish I would have had the courage to do it sooner. I would have saved myself, my family, and so many others a whole pile of headache.


I heard a good description in a movie last night, that might apply to your situation. When asked why, this man had left his wife.. he replied " I was content. For me, content meant that I would stop striving for changes. It meant that life would stop having challenges. It was frightening to accept that everything would stay the same. Hopefully the therapy your beginning will give you some answers and some peace. Good Luck.

guppy;577120 wrote: you are most welcome to fg.....we are very glad to have you here....:-6



hugs

guppy


I agree.

That was a lot to share, hope that helped you in some way also, sometimes just getting it out, whether on paper/computer/vocal....it helps...

I wish only the best for you!:-6



Wendy....and Sorry if my signature bothers you.

Wow I hope you find what you are seeking.

I guess all I can offer up is never be afraid to ask for help.

And feel free to come in FG anytime and unload.

Good for you to get the help.

Minks

Sometimes we have to just take life minute by minute, were all here for you

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone.

Means a lot.

Oat, I hope your therapy turns out well for you, and you are able to find some of the answers you've been looking for.

You're not alone in thoughts of feeling like you're missing something, I assure you. There are many people out there who do or have felt the same way, without knowing the answers either. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful of the life you have.