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Hello everybody, it has been a while since I posted anything and things have changed a lot since. My darling son, Ben, died at 5.55pm on 3rd February 2007 to the beast, brain stem glioma. He fought valiantly for over 14 months but in the end the beast won. His last few weeks were spent at "Treetops" a Children's Hospice run by the Donna Louise Trust in Trentham, Stoke on Trent. The care and support that Ben and all his family received there was outstanding.

Life without Ben, what can I say? I know many of you have been where I am now. My feelings change from one minute to the next. I alternate between devastation, despair, anger, bitterness, numbness. You name it, I feel it. I live day by day, just grateful to get through. My 6yr old, Ashley and my wonderful husband David, give me reason to keep going but it is still so very hard. Sometimes I think I just can't bear to feel this pain any longer and I just want to be at peace with my darling Ben. I then try to remember that I know he would want me to go on and to be ok. Some days I do smile and laugh and then wonder how I could have done that? People who see me out and about remark on how well I am coping - if only they knew! What do they expect me do do, walk around crying 24/7?!

Anyway, enough whingeing on. My heart and thoughts are with anyone and everyone who has suffered the loss of a child. God bless all the children in heaven.

Julie x

Beams and positive thoughts to you.

Julie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for letting us know about Ben.



Please come here whenever you need someone to sound off to, there are plenty who will listen. There will always be an ear for you here and we would love to hear more of Ben. You may like to keep a journal here.



PM me any time.



Helen x

Hey Julie,

I know I don't know you, I've only been a member here for a few months, but I can NOT even imagine how you are feeling.I miscarried about 2 years ago and thought my world was over. I had my first daughter a little over a year ago and couldn't imagine life without her. I guess I would consider myself lucky with the first miscarraige because I never got to meet the little one and live everyday with it and watch it grow. My heart cries for you and I hope that you never give up hope. You and your family are definatly in my prayers. Stay strong for the rest of your family! They still need their wife/mom! Much love!

Sarah

my thoughts are with you ,we are all here if you need to talk

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I know from my own loss - it takes part of your soul.

FG is very supportive - vent anytime.

Patsy

Please know you are in my thoughts -- I send only my very best your way :-6

Bens Mum, my heart breaks for you, I know what it is to lose a child and it is heart-breaking. We will be here to listen, and share and sincerely care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

We recently found a chat room at the garden if you hit home and then find chat and go in there, I would be more than happy to chat, or just read/listen to anything you want to share.:-4

:yh_hugs 's to you Julie.

You have 15 years of lovely memories of your lovely son. :-6



Take care, your husband and Ashley must be so proud to have a loving mother and wife.

Dont be a stranger eh?

Hugs and prayers for you and your family, Julie.:-4

Hello everyone, thank you all so, so much for your messages. I am crying as I write this but they are good tears. To know there are so many good, caring people out there is wonderful.

I had a dreadful day yesterday, was very down all day and drank a bottle of wine to myself last night (not good!).

However, today has been pretty good. I have been with my best friend, Kerry, to visit another friend in Leamington. We had lunch and laughed a lot and cried at a little. It did me the world of good.

As I come to my computer now, the first thing I see is the picture of Ben that I have as my wallpaper. It was taken on a boat in Zante in 2005, a few months before he was diagnosed. He is sitting with his brother, Ashley, and they both had great big grins on their faces. He looks so happy, like he hasn't a care in the world. Our lives changed so much just a few short months after that photo was taken. I miss him so very, very much.

Ben was the kindest, sweetest person you could ever meet. I know I am probably biased, but he was gorgeous, with big blue eyes, super long dark lashes and a gorgeous smile. He didn't have a bad bone in his body and would have done anything for anyone. Why do the tragedies always seem to happen to the good ones? Life feels so unfair at the moment. He was a super keen footballer, played in his local team for years and was an avid Liverpool supporter. We took him to meet the Liverpool team at their training ground on 4th January this year, just a month before he died. He got to meet his idol, Steve Gerrard. It was such sweet pain and joy to see him there.

Thank you all again so much for your kind words, and thank you for listening. I am always willing and happy to hear about yourselves too.

God bless you all

Julie x

beautifulben'smum;584704 wrote: Hello everyone, thank you all so, so much for your messages. I am crying as I write this but they are good tears. To know there are so many good, caring people out there is wonderful.



I had a dreadful day yesterday, was very down all day and drank a bottle of wine to myself last night (not good!).



However, today has been pretty good. I have been with my best friend, Kerry, to visit another friend in Leamington. We had lunch and laughed a lot and cried at a little. It did me the world of good.



As I come to my computer now, the first thing I see is the picture of Ben that I have as my wallpaper. It was taken on a boat in Zante in 2005, a few months before he was diagnosed. He is sitting with his brother, Ashley, and they both had great big grins on their faces. He looks so happy, like he hasn't a care in the world. Our lives changed so much just a few short months after that photo was taken. I miss him so very, very much.



Ben was the kindest, sweetest person you could ever meet. I know I am probably biased, but he was gorgeous, with big blue eyes, super long dark lashes and a gorgeous smile. He didn't have a bad bone in his body and would have done anything for anyone. Why do the tragedies always seem to happen to the good ones? Life feels so unfair at the moment. He was a super keen footballer, played in his local team for years and was an avid Liverpool supporter. We took him to meet the Liverpool team at their training ground on 4th January this year, just a month before he died. He got to meet his idol, Steve Gerrard. It was such sweet pain and joy to see him there.



Thank you all again so much for your kind words, and thank you for listening. I am always willing and happy to hear about yourselves too.



God bless you all



Julie x


i had thought about you and ben over the last few months , losing a child is the worst thing any human will go through in life ,just last week an 18 year old girl died from CJD she used to live 50 feet away , i spoke to the parents yesterday and said how sorry i was , i know exactly what they are going through as i know exactly what you are going through ,words that i can say seem so meaningless but i do know i do care and i'm here if you ever want to talk jimbo :-6 :-6

beautifulben'smum;584704 wrote: Hello everyone, thank you all so, so much for your messages. I am crying as I write this but they are good tears. To know there are so many good, caring people out there is wonderful.

I had a dreadful day yesterday, was very down all day and drank a bottle of wine to myself last night (not good!).

However, today has been pretty good. I have been with my best friend, Kerry, to visit another friend in Leamington. We had lunch and laughed a lot and cried at a little. It did me the world of good.

As I come to my computer now, the first thing I see is the picture of Ben that I have as my wallpaper. It was taken on a boat in Zante in 2005, a few months before he was diagnosed. He is sitting with his brother, Ashley, and they both had great big grins on their faces. He looks so happy, like he hasn't a care in the world. Our lives changed so much just a few short months after that photo was taken. I miss him so very, very much.

Ben was the kindest, sweetest person you could ever meet. I know I am probably biased, but he was gorgeous, with big blue eyes, super long dark lashes and a gorgeous smile. He didn't have a bad bone in his body and would have done anything for anyone. Why do the tragedies always seem to happen to the good ones? Life feels so unfair at the moment. He was a super keen footballer, played in his local team for years and was an avid Liverpool supporter. We took him to meet the Liverpool team at their training ground on 4th January this year, just a month before he died. He got to meet his idol, Steve Gerrard. It was such sweet pain and joy to see him there.

Thank you all again so much for your kind words, and thank you for listening. I am always willing and happy to hear about yourselves too.

God bless you all

Julie x


God Bless you Julie, please know that I am sharing your tears...sending more :-4 to you.

Hello, me again.

Just wanted to say, I have created a memorial site for Ben if anyone would like to take a look. The address is ben-deeley.memory-of.com.

Love to all

Julie x

The one peaceful thought that allows me to go on - I'm so thankful for the time I had - If your son was to be with any family, be thankful Ben was part of your family.

My sister lost her son - I told her the same, she says it helps.

I call it a lease on life, which is undetermined, and we are so grateful for the lovely soul that entered our lives and shared.

Jimbo & I have delt with so much, and we have are tough days, so we do completely understand your day to day process.

Honestly, I think it took me over a year to snap back to reality after my nephew died. So, don't hurry the grieving process - it will run its course.

Whenever you need to talk / vent - you can pm me anytime.

Patsy

beautifulben'smum;584721 wrote: Hello, me again.

Just wanted to say, I have created a memorial site for Ben if anyone would like to take a look. The address is ben-deeley.memory-of.com.

Love to all

Julie x


I did and Julie, I have tears running down my cheeks...He is beautiful!! Please know that we are here for you whenever you need us!:-4

beautifulben'smum;584721 wrote: Hello, me again.



Just wanted to say, I have created a memorial site for Ben if anyone would like to take a look. The address is ben-deeley.memory-of.com.



Love to all



Julie x




julie like you i have cried a million tears and have been to hell and hopefully on the way back its a long long horrible terrible journey ,but as you can see you dont walk it alone ,nor should you there are good kind people here that would want to talk to you given the chance





Patsy Warnick;584723 wrote: The one peaceful thought that allows me to go on - I'm so thankful for the time I had - If your son was to be with any family, be thankful Ben was part of your family.

My sister lost her son - I told her the same, she says it helps.

I call it a lease on life, which is undetermined, and we are so grateful for the lovely soul that entered our lives and shared.



Jimbo & I have delt with so much, and we have are tough days, so we do completely understand your day to day process.

Honestly, I think it took me over a year to snap back to reality after my nephew died. So, don't hurry the grieving process - it will run its course.

Whenever you need to talk / vent - you can pm me anytime.



Patsy
we have patsy we had more than our share :-4 :-6



WonderWendy3;584726 wrote: I did and Julie, I have tears running down my cheeks...He is beautiful!! Please know that we are here for you whenever you need us!:-4


ulp me too ww ,blubbed like a baby

Hello, me again, sorry!

Just wanted to say I'm still trying to get my head around the navigating of this site. I think it's wonderful but am only just starting to get to grips with the private messaging and being able to chat on-line etc. So, if I don't reply to anyone straight away or PM when you have said I can, please don't think I don't want to, just taking a bit of time getting there!

Love you my darling Ben, miss you sooooo much.

Love to all



Julie x

me with hair and my little angel :-4





http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u123 ... atahsa.jpg

jimbo;584757 wrote: me with hair and my little angel :-4





http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u123 ... atahsa.jpg


Jimbo, one of you looks completely gorgeous!:-4

jimbo;584757 wrote: me with hair and my little angel :-4





http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u123 ... atahsa.jpg


Awww, awesome picture Jim, thanks for sharing, It looks like your finger is glowing from touching your Angels' tummy...:-4

Imladris;584758 wrote: Jimbo, one of you looks completely gorgeous!:-4


yup she was the most beautiful baby ever ,and i love her just as much today as i always did , jut coz our children are gone dont ever think it stops hurting or you stop loving :-4 you never get over it you just learn to live with it ,but in the end you do live again maybe not as happy ,but you change you see the world through different eyes kinder eyes ,eyes that see beauty and goodness nearly every where ,i can tell someone that has had major grief in their life in seconds after meeting them ,the guy i'm working for now , i just looked up to him and just said tell me your story then, he looked at me in disbelief ,so i told him mine then he told me about his daughter ,he had tears in his eyes and i had tears in mine ,he was 65 and his tragedy was a life time ago but the pain and love is still there :-4

WonderWendy3;584760 wrote: Awww, awesome picture Jim, thanks for sharing, It looks like your finger is glowing from touching your Angels' tummy...:-4


oh it does , she would of been 19 this 5th october coming ,by some strange quirk of fate ,that was the day beautiful ben first fell ill ,5 th october

Jimbo

So true- you can look at someone and their eyes tell you the sadness and what they've been burdened with.

Its not my eyes - its my wrinkles - beyond worry lines - I'd like some botox please.

Patsy

Love the picture

Patsy Warnick;584824 wrote: Jimbo



So true- you can look at someone and their eyes tell you the sadness and what they've been burdened with.



Its not my eyes - its my wrinkles - beyond worry lines - I'd like some botox please.



Patsy



Love the picture




i dont know if i have wrinkels around my eyes ,having no hair i dont need to look in the mirror that much , but i know one thing i dont need to worry about me gaining any laughter lines over the last few years :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

My thoughts and prayers are with you!