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Check out this site ..... I could not stop laughing. Especially the 'food and drink' sections:

http://www.brookview.karoo.net/BFA/

Of course, we get nearly all of our music from America. We find that your songs, like "Throw Out Your Gold Teeth And See How They Roll" by Mr Steely Dan, "Hotel California" by the Eagles Orchestra, and "Smack Yo' Momma" by DJ Ice T, help us to understand the culture of the United States.

Oh no. I can only imagine. :wah:

:wah: :wah:

I liked this one:

It is common to find pool tables in pubs. Beware, they are not playing to American rules! To join a game of pool already in progress, simply pick up one of the cues provided, walk to the table, and quickly cue the black ball into the nearest pocket. You are now in the game. The object is to pot all your balls as quickly as possible without disturbing the white. Don't be disheartened if you miss a shot; quickly move on to the next. You score extra points for "blocking" your opponent's attempts to shoot, using your hands.

Greetings are often different to yours too. Instead of saying "hi" when we meet, we will say something like "I say, old chap, it's awfully kind of you to pop by". When we answer the telephone, we tend to say things like "Hello, this is London 392. May we help you?".



lol Not true unless you're a stuck up snob! Some funny reading though. Does however look like a kid wrote it. :wah:

:wah: How to get punched ....

Mix with the locals. These "toffs" often put on a coarse accent after a glass or two of beer; do not be intimidated, they are resting their throats after talking "posh" all day. They will be glad to play Eton college word-games: "Get Up, That's My Seat", "You look a puff-to-me!" and "Is-she-for sale?" Call out one of these games to any large chap, and have fun.

how to make friends with over 60's just point out WW2 did not start untill 1942 when you came over to show us battle shy brits how a war should be won :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

jimbo;631777 wrote: how to make friends with over 60's just point out WW2 did not start untill 1942 when you came over to show us battle shy brits how a war should be won :rolleyes: :rolleyes:


didn't it start Dec. 7 1941? :wah: :wah:

remember the Alamo!!

jimbo;631777 wrote: how to make friends with over 60's just point out WW2 did not start untill 1942 when you came over to show us battle shy brits how a war should be won :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Hey we know when to jump into a war. Ya wait till everyone is beat down a bit, then pick the side with the best looking women.

zinkyusa;631783 wrote: didn't it start Dec. 7 1941? :wah: :wah:



remember the Alamo!!




come to england buddy your making friends all ready :wah:





what battalion were you in :wah:

YZGI;631786 wrote: Hey we know when to jump into a war. Ya wait till everyone is beat down a bit, then pick the side with the best looking women.


and all the men are already away;)

jimbo;631789 wrote: come to england buddy your making friends all ready :wah:





what battalion were you in :wah:


Guano Rangers

YZGI;631786 wrote: Hey we know when to jump into a war. Ya wait till everyone is beat down a bit, then pick the side with the best looking women.


cant faul your logic there buddy :wah:



zinkyusa;631791 wrote: and all the men are already away;)




:wah: :wah: classic

jimbo;631794 wrote: cant faul your logic there buddy :wah:









:wah: :wah: classic
No offense, but you have seen the German Olympic women athletes right?

YZGI;631797 wrote: No offense, but you have seen the German Olympic women athletes right?




i was gonna ask men or women but there is no difference :wah: :wah:





and the women have hairier legs .........

YZGI;631797 wrote: No offense, but you have seen the German Olympic women athletes right?


:yh_rotfl Be scared, very scared

I wish you would all stop taking the pi22 out of the Yanks , they can't help where they were born :p :wah:

I hope no one was offended by my posting this. It was meant just for a chuckle and and a laugh at the subtle differences. Not directed at British or Americans - just a laugh at its stupidy really:-6

That was hilarious :wah: :wah:

Well I found it very funny and very true in parts.I love this site as its great when folks from different countries can take the p..s and no one takes offence.

magenta flame;632221 wrote: that's so funny I just spit my coffee over the keyboard .

Thanks for that.

Personally I don't mind big strong blonde weight lifters called Helga!:wah:


:eek: Be scared, really scared. Helga like to eat little boys!!!

ThePheasant;632077 wrote: I hope no one was offended by my posting this. It was meant just for a chuckle and and a laugh at the subtle differences. Not directed at British or Americans - just a laugh at its stupidy really:-6


Same with this, which I saw - oh - about 10 years or so ago. I do have the feeling that whoever wrote it might know a little *too* much about certain subjects for my taste:



Vocabulary

==========

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as

"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come

to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word

for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen

cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called

"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a

"great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously

demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should

hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down

the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only

between people of the same sex.



Habits

======

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union

with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain

continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two-

or three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a

fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to

oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic

pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and

explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and

forgive you.



Universities

============

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by

quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence

patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots

and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs

will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the

inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted

anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the

librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,

a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.



One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or

Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-

bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as

"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately

owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the

public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are

interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the

public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to

protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of

Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.

That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.



Food

====

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime

gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust

dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several

times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting

your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are

several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best

bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of

Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter

you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at

your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back

and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the

waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer

to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If

he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on

the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely

'84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal

comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair,

unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply

walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab

for you.



Transportation

==============

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi

ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a

taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not,

you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver

arrested.



It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are

required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,

pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are

"pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:

"Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try

to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your

requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American

tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).



Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently

moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in

Wales.



It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any

local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that

buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called

bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called

"lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the

"off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only

means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you

must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").



For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be

the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.

Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for

free on the Tube.



Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators

or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored

Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching

trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in the

tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th

century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to

exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you

should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people

have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only

a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

(If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the

signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where

you can catch the bumbershoot.)



One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow

airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international

Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy

travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority

treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could

waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent

to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things

on your return trip."