Let me throw you a rope.
Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 6:13 pm
I wasn't going to post this, and this will be the only place I do post it as far as public view goes. The reason I am is because maybe someone here is like the person I am writing this to, and maybe it might help. I hope it helps the person I wrote this for, and if you are the type of person who believes in such things, pray for a Muse for me. Pray for one of the most amazing people I have ever met. A woman with out one ounce of hate in her heart, except for when it comes to herself. I am a stubborn man, hard headed, and probably far too soft hearted.
Lauren,
I don’t know what made me decide on the spur of the moment to take a road trip to Soulard. Susan pretty much had it right when she told me before I left that I would never come back. I hadn’t planned on it. Too many ghosts in that place. I told my little brother Thursday that we were going to go visit old friends; I wanted him to see what my life had been like for the past year. He got a nice summary of it all.
When I walked in that door to Joanie’s I was so nervous, this was a place I walked into two or three times a week for a year, and was never nervous. I saw Susan sitting there and I saw you behind the bar. I wondered how it would be the next time I saw you; after the things I told you in that “book”. You looked tired and worn out, but you lit up like fireworks when you saw me. My ****ing heart almost exploded. You were crying as soon as you saw me, and you were smiling, I felt missed and like I had just walked back into a place I belonged. You ran over and you hugged me so damned tight, you wouldn’t let go. You told me how much you had missed me, you told me you were so glad I was there, that I was just what you needed, and that you had been having a bad day but that it was alright now. People started asking me immediately when I was moving back. Do you have any idea how good it felt for you to be that close to me? I could see it right there in those bloodshot, tired, amazing blue eyes of yours that you really were glad I was there. Every time someone called the bar you told them how I had stopped by for a visit and brightened up your day.
The way you held my hand at the bar, how I was so happy to be in my usual spot with my favorite person in Soulard sitting in front of me. I wish you could have seen the looks on a few of your friend’s faces as you hugged me, and when you were crying because you were so happy to see me. One of them asked me four times in ten minutes if I was coming back.
I told my brother on the way home Saturday night that there is no better feeling in the world than the hand of a woman that you know loves you on your skin. I also told him there is no shittier feeling in the world than smelling the whiskey on her breath as she leans in. What does a man do when a woman he cares for so much only acts like she loves him when she is drunk and all he wants is for her to be sober? You write a letter, and you pray is what you do.
People ask the question, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I answer “yes”. You know why? That first day I saw you holding Luke to your chest, the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at him. You were sober. I fell in love right there. Six years I had been single, no woman in my life, didn’t want one. I had a couple here and there that almost got in, but I kept that heart of mine way back deep inside. It came busting out of that little corner I had it hid in the moment I saw your eyes. Six years of restraint gone in six seconds. You were sober. I remember what you were wearing, how you had your hair, and those black and white tennis shoes. I use phrases like, “Eyes as blue as the July sky, hair that looked like summer wheat soaked in slow pouring honey, and she looked like salvation come to life” to describe that moment. I remember the sparkle you had in your eyes.
The last time I described you to someone I used the phrase, “I could smell the whiskey, rum, and bourbon on her breath; it smelled like death. She hadn’t just started drinking; she was still drunk, at eleven in the morning”. The sparkle wasn’t in your eyes Saturday.
Do you remember after I got sick and had to go to the hospital how you called my apartment so many times to see if I was okay; do you remember when I came back in that Saturday afternoon and you pushed my chair to the side so that you could sit next to me for a bit, and do you remember how you would not let me keep you from going with Kirby and me when we went to eat for my birthday? You were sober. Those three things I just mentioned; those are the kind of things that people with heart and compassion do for people they care about. You were sober.
Do you remember that night when we were laid out on your couch, you against my chest, and how you sang Natural Woman to me? You might have been drunk when you called, but you were sober when you sang me that song. Listen to that song.
Do you remember the Saturday nights when I would get off of work and stop by to sit with you after you had been cut and were still hanging around? I know you do, we’ve talked about how much it meant to you, how that after a 16 hour day you looked forward to me coming in so we could talk, how it made you feel better. We talked about a lot of things. You told me about you being such a young kid and seeing your Mom drunk, passed out, puking in the car, and just gone. I could see the hurt in your eyes when you talked about those nights. Do you remember how those nights made you feel? Think about Kayne for a second, and the fact that he will be getting to that age real soon. Think about 15 years from now and him sitting in some bar waiting on a friend to come in just so he can have someone he trusts and who cares about him to talk to. Think about the stories he will tell, and think about the poor girl who will be there to listen to them. Think about him not being able to let things go long enough to let her in. Think about why you can’t do it yourself.
Why don’t you like yourself sober? You should love yourself sober. You ain’t just killing yourself, you are killing me, you are robbing Kayne, and you are denying who knows how many people the opportunity to see that sparkle in your eyes. I ain’t a damned fool. I know something when I see it, and I’ve seen what you have inside. Quit trying to drown it in whiskey and rum.
So many people asked me if I was coming back, when I was coming back, and would I come back. I said probably I would be. The first few hours of Joanie’s were so fresh on my mind. All I wanted was to be there again. On the ride home I said probably not, and I told my brother to never fall in love with a drunk. I wish I could bring you and Kayne here, you say you want to get out of there, and that when Kayne turns 18 you are going to travel. You ain’t going to make it ten more years Lauren. I have nightmares about Mona calling me and telling me I need to find a suit and come to St. Louis for a funeral. That **** is going to kill you. That little man of yours already doesn’t have a daddy; don’t take his momma away too. Don’t take my Muse away from me.
Let me help you, or let someone help you. I’ll do whatever you need or want me to do. Just don’t let this **** kill you. I’ve seen it all before, I’ve lived it. Just because your Mom made it through, and I made it through, doesn’t mean that you will. I’m serious, if you want to get out of there, I’ll find you and Kayne somewhere. I Promise you I can. I can not even begin to tell you how much you mean to me, I’ll have to write you another book, and if that is what it takes I will. I don’t want love or marriage. I just want you alive for a long, long time. I do not ever want to have to tell my Muse goodbye.
Let me say it again, I’ll do what ever I can to keep you alive. I have good family here with my Mom, Dad, and Brent. I have some good friends here. It is a slower pace around here. It ain’t that far away from there, but it is far enough. Tennessee is a nice place. I love Kayne as much as I love you, because you love him and he loves you. The schools are safer, and better. I have heard you say a hundred times you can’t wait to get out of there, well don’t wait.
I’m begging you to take a minute and think. I’m begging you to take a minute and breathe. To love yourself sober. To look at the things I have said to you and about you and realize they are true and sober words. I know you trust me, I know you think I am a good man, and I know you know I think you are a good woman. Trust in that. Take a minute. I’ll look after you and maybe I can’t ever be a dad to Kayne, but I can be more of one than he has had yet. You know I’d be good at it too.
Think about it, talk about it with the people who have your best interests in their hearts. Never think I wrote this out of pity for you; I wrote it because I love and care about you, and for your little man. I wrote it because I see who you can be. For eight months I chased you around in slow motion, caught you, and then you got away again. I’m back to chasing. I want to see that sparkle in those blue as the July sky eyes. I want to see it again, day after day.
If you can’t do that, I’ll find a new car, get this tooth pulled out of my head that is offending me so, find a job, and move my narrow ass back there. I’ll do what ever it takes. You are drowning Lauren; let me throw you a rope.
Remember that night we sat there in the place I call the center of the universe, and how we talked about the things that had brought us to that point? Chance, fate, things happen for a reason; well you said that you really believed that things did happen for a reason. Take a minute, and think again.
Kevin
Lauren,
I don’t know what made me decide on the spur of the moment to take a road trip to Soulard. Susan pretty much had it right when she told me before I left that I would never come back. I hadn’t planned on it. Too many ghosts in that place. I told my little brother Thursday that we were going to go visit old friends; I wanted him to see what my life had been like for the past year. He got a nice summary of it all.
When I walked in that door to Joanie’s I was so nervous, this was a place I walked into two or three times a week for a year, and was never nervous. I saw Susan sitting there and I saw you behind the bar. I wondered how it would be the next time I saw you; after the things I told you in that “book”. You looked tired and worn out, but you lit up like fireworks when you saw me. My ****ing heart almost exploded. You were crying as soon as you saw me, and you were smiling, I felt missed and like I had just walked back into a place I belonged. You ran over and you hugged me so damned tight, you wouldn’t let go. You told me how much you had missed me, you told me you were so glad I was there, that I was just what you needed, and that you had been having a bad day but that it was alright now. People started asking me immediately when I was moving back. Do you have any idea how good it felt for you to be that close to me? I could see it right there in those bloodshot, tired, amazing blue eyes of yours that you really were glad I was there. Every time someone called the bar you told them how I had stopped by for a visit and brightened up your day.
The way you held my hand at the bar, how I was so happy to be in my usual spot with my favorite person in Soulard sitting in front of me. I wish you could have seen the looks on a few of your friend’s faces as you hugged me, and when you were crying because you were so happy to see me. One of them asked me four times in ten minutes if I was coming back.
I told my brother on the way home Saturday night that there is no better feeling in the world than the hand of a woman that you know loves you on your skin. I also told him there is no shittier feeling in the world than smelling the whiskey on her breath as she leans in. What does a man do when a woman he cares for so much only acts like she loves him when she is drunk and all he wants is for her to be sober? You write a letter, and you pray is what you do.
People ask the question, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I answer “yes”. You know why? That first day I saw you holding Luke to your chest, the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at him. You were sober. I fell in love right there. Six years I had been single, no woman in my life, didn’t want one. I had a couple here and there that almost got in, but I kept that heart of mine way back deep inside. It came busting out of that little corner I had it hid in the moment I saw your eyes. Six years of restraint gone in six seconds. You were sober. I remember what you were wearing, how you had your hair, and those black and white tennis shoes. I use phrases like, “Eyes as blue as the July sky, hair that looked like summer wheat soaked in slow pouring honey, and she looked like salvation come to life” to describe that moment. I remember the sparkle you had in your eyes.
The last time I described you to someone I used the phrase, “I could smell the whiskey, rum, and bourbon on her breath; it smelled like death. She hadn’t just started drinking; she was still drunk, at eleven in the morning”. The sparkle wasn’t in your eyes Saturday.
Do you remember after I got sick and had to go to the hospital how you called my apartment so many times to see if I was okay; do you remember when I came back in that Saturday afternoon and you pushed my chair to the side so that you could sit next to me for a bit, and do you remember how you would not let me keep you from going with Kirby and me when we went to eat for my birthday? You were sober. Those three things I just mentioned; those are the kind of things that people with heart and compassion do for people they care about. You were sober.
Do you remember that night when we were laid out on your couch, you against my chest, and how you sang Natural Woman to me? You might have been drunk when you called, but you were sober when you sang me that song. Listen to that song.
Do you remember the Saturday nights when I would get off of work and stop by to sit with you after you had been cut and were still hanging around? I know you do, we’ve talked about how much it meant to you, how that after a 16 hour day you looked forward to me coming in so we could talk, how it made you feel better. We talked about a lot of things. You told me about you being such a young kid and seeing your Mom drunk, passed out, puking in the car, and just gone. I could see the hurt in your eyes when you talked about those nights. Do you remember how those nights made you feel? Think about Kayne for a second, and the fact that he will be getting to that age real soon. Think about 15 years from now and him sitting in some bar waiting on a friend to come in just so he can have someone he trusts and who cares about him to talk to. Think about the stories he will tell, and think about the poor girl who will be there to listen to them. Think about him not being able to let things go long enough to let her in. Think about why you can’t do it yourself.
Why don’t you like yourself sober? You should love yourself sober. You ain’t just killing yourself, you are killing me, you are robbing Kayne, and you are denying who knows how many people the opportunity to see that sparkle in your eyes. I ain’t a damned fool. I know something when I see it, and I’ve seen what you have inside. Quit trying to drown it in whiskey and rum.
So many people asked me if I was coming back, when I was coming back, and would I come back. I said probably I would be. The first few hours of Joanie’s were so fresh on my mind. All I wanted was to be there again. On the ride home I said probably not, and I told my brother to never fall in love with a drunk. I wish I could bring you and Kayne here, you say you want to get out of there, and that when Kayne turns 18 you are going to travel. You ain’t going to make it ten more years Lauren. I have nightmares about Mona calling me and telling me I need to find a suit and come to St. Louis for a funeral. That **** is going to kill you. That little man of yours already doesn’t have a daddy; don’t take his momma away too. Don’t take my Muse away from me.
Let me help you, or let someone help you. I’ll do whatever you need or want me to do. Just don’t let this **** kill you. I’ve seen it all before, I’ve lived it. Just because your Mom made it through, and I made it through, doesn’t mean that you will. I’m serious, if you want to get out of there, I’ll find you and Kayne somewhere. I Promise you I can. I can not even begin to tell you how much you mean to me, I’ll have to write you another book, and if that is what it takes I will. I don’t want love or marriage. I just want you alive for a long, long time. I do not ever want to have to tell my Muse goodbye.
Let me say it again, I’ll do what ever I can to keep you alive. I have good family here with my Mom, Dad, and Brent. I have some good friends here. It is a slower pace around here. It ain’t that far away from there, but it is far enough. Tennessee is a nice place. I love Kayne as much as I love you, because you love him and he loves you. The schools are safer, and better. I have heard you say a hundred times you can’t wait to get out of there, well don’t wait.
I’m begging you to take a minute and think. I’m begging you to take a minute and breathe. To love yourself sober. To look at the things I have said to you and about you and realize they are true and sober words. I know you trust me, I know you think I am a good man, and I know you know I think you are a good woman. Trust in that. Take a minute. I’ll look after you and maybe I can’t ever be a dad to Kayne, but I can be more of one than he has had yet. You know I’d be good at it too.
Think about it, talk about it with the people who have your best interests in their hearts. Never think I wrote this out of pity for you; I wrote it because I love and care about you, and for your little man. I wrote it because I see who you can be. For eight months I chased you around in slow motion, caught you, and then you got away again. I’m back to chasing. I want to see that sparkle in those blue as the July sky eyes. I want to see it again, day after day.
If you can’t do that, I’ll find a new car, get this tooth pulled out of my head that is offending me so, find a job, and move my narrow ass back there. I’ll do what ever it takes. You are drowning Lauren; let me throw you a rope.
Remember that night we sat there in the place I call the center of the universe, and how we talked about the things that had brought us to that point? Chance, fate, things happen for a reason; well you said that you really believed that things did happen for a reason. Take a minute, and think again.
Kevin
you are a hippie in sheeps clothes 
