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Lori wrote: I have done the ultimate crime. I lied to my husband not once but twice. The second time was even more stupid than the first. I've been under tremendous stress at work and I don't know what came over me. The first lie was about a PDA I purchased. Before he even asked me, I came home with a stupid story about how by employers were buying me this tool for work and "isn't that great". I even took it as far as making up an additional story that they called me to surprise me that it was coming...anyway - one night when he was asking about our checking account he came accross the charge from DELL. I lied right to his face, trying to get myself out of it and just made it worse. He was so hurt. He just got up and walked away. This all happened the day before Valentines Day so it was all the worse. We didn't talk until today after work and when we were finally getting somewhere, almost to the end of a conversation,...the house payment came up. I knew I hadn't made it but I had just got done trying to defend myself about taking care of the finances and how I had paid them all on time when he asked, "did you pay this months on time"? Well before I knew it, I said YES! In my mind I'm thinking NO, NO NO you didn't. It just got worse from there. It was as if someone were doing the talking for me, like that little devil on your shoulder kind of thing. I was as stuned as he was. He new I hadn't done it cause I told him Sunday that I needed to go to the bank to make the payment directly...in my lie...I said I did it Thursday...duh! I gues what I'm looking for is some advise...he gave me his wedding ring and said he's done. Lying is like ultimate most terrible thing someone could do to him and we had a deal - we would never lie to eachother no matter what. I kept that promise for almost 8 years and blew it twice in 72 hours! How can I begin to make it up to him. I've tried to explain the truth to hime about how I didn't mean harm, I'm just under an emmense amount of stress and I don't know what's come over me. We have kids, 4 and 7 and I don't know where to start. He's totally fed up and discussed with me.
I don't believe that you are being totally honest with us either. There has to be more to the story that what you have related to us. You are saying that you have been lie free for the past eight years, and now, you have lied twice to your husband and he's ready to throw in the towel. Hmm!!!

What else?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Sounds like you are having a crisis.

How can he end the marriage over two lies without trying to find out why you felt the need to lie. Or did he?

A lot of questions pop to mind. What have the eight years been like, really?

Lori wrote: The past eight years have been less than great. There are many issues with our relationship. I'm the main bread winner and he has not worked for 5 years. We live in a rural town where jobs are hard to come by. He has been the stay at home Dad. He's very strict and not very easy to talk to as he is very hard headed. That's not an excuse, I know what I did was wrong regardless of his personality.
That's the biggest problems with lying... once you start you keep making them up to cover the other ones. Then you lose sight of the original lie and all hell breaks loose.

Learned long ago that I'm not smart enough to tell a trail of lies(thanks mom)

Is he religious or feeling under the gun because he can't feel like a man by working. A stay at home dad is, as a rule, someone that has made a choice to stay at home.

You have to get a grip on telling lies and he has to get a grip on being understanding. Maybe he can learn programming while he's at home with the kids. The beauty of computers is that he can stay at home and make money which will probably put a smile on his face, money in his pocket and a load off both your shoulders.

Lori wrote: The past eight years have been less than great. There are many issues with our relationship. I'm the main bread winner and he has not worked for 5 years. We live in a rural town where jobs are hard to come by. He has been the stay at home Dad. He's very strict and not very easy to talk to as he is very hard headed. That's not an excuse, I know what I did was wrong regardless of his personality.
Telling us that you are the breadwinner explains a lot. Iwould venture to say that you feel you should be entitled to buy whatever you want. Without having to give an explanation,or get permission. And I understand that. You also down deep probobly feel resentful about his being at home. I understand that also. If there is concern about the house payment being paid.. that tells me that money is measured and tight. So.. t your home would benefit by a second income. Rural area or not , this man needs to find a job. If you are being truthful about the lying being a new thing.. my diagnosis is that you are rebelling about your circumstances. I understand all of these circumstances..Ive lived them. If you want this relationship to last it needs major surgery right away. or it isnt going to make it. He is resentful also about your working and his not contributing. This scenario is a real ego destroyer on both sides. Most often it can only work if the male has a tremendous amount of self confidence, money is no problem, and the female has a lot of freedom. The hard headidness and the strickness are control tools.. another symptom of low self esteem and wanting to maintain some kind

order within the family circle. Ill bet life for you is like living in a military camp.

Who needs that kind of stress at home, after youve worked all day? Not too much fun. I hope things work out for you. That doesnt necessarily mean that I hope your marriage works out.. it means that I hope things work out for YOU and that you find a peaceful way to live. Put on your magnifying glasses.. take a large look at the situation.. Stop lying. Your lying because you want to set up a situation where he tells you its over.. If you want it to be over do it yourself.. your allowed to make choices.

Lori wrote: The past eight years have been less than great. There are many issues with our relationship. I'm the main bread winner and he has not worked for 5 years. We live in a rural town where jobs are hard to come by. He has been the stay at home Dad. He's very strict and not very easy to talk to as he is very hard headed. That's not an excuse, I know what I did was wrong regardless of his personality.
With all due respect, and a bit of humor thrown in, sounds to me like you're both hard headed. No big deal, we are who we are, but to make your marriage work, you'll need to find a way to meet in the middle ground somewhere.



You'll need to come clean with him, of course. Whether you do it face to face, or in a heartfelt no-excuses letter isn't as important as being totally honest. That will be hard to do, but seems like you need it, for both of you.



Having been on the housewife side of things, I can tell you it's scary to have no influence on the family income. It does erode at your self-respect a bit (it did mine, anyway). It's tough to feel that because you aren't earning bread, you don't get a voice...this is made worse if you can't trust the person who's basically in control of your life.

So, he's not earning the bread, but he is cooking it, serving it, and cleaning up afterwards. That deserves some respect, and I hope he sees that. But if money is tight, there are ways to bring in additional income. What are his talents? What could he make or sell or do from home?



Off topic a bit, sorry about that. Let us know how things go.

Hmmm nice to meet you new one, sounds like life is taking a bit of a down swing for you. I understand the lie part of a relationship and my thoughts though could be way out in left field is you are in your own way rebelling against his controlling ways. Sweetie don't lie about it, just buy the dam PDA stand up to him say I did it I need it and leave it at that. Take your knocks for the purchase. To him that would be way less a crime than the lie. There is nothing more damaging in any kind of a relationship than lies. Do not be so fearful of this man that you have to resort to lies. Think you only get into an argument once if you did something he didn't approve of, if you just buy the thing or just messed up the banking but you told him so. A Lie is a double wammy one for the mess up one for the Lie. I have to admit I know where I come from with this as I have been on many sides of the lies, as a kid I was the most uncontrolable liar, even into my teens, I lied so good I even lied for my brother. I luckily grew out of that as I got older, and then was in a relationship where I was compelled to lie again as the actions I took caused conflict so tried to lie. And the ultimate slap in the face was being lied back to in a big bad awful way by having my husband of 17 years cheat on me and try and say it was not what I thought it was. I have learned over a few decades what all the facets of lying are about and boy to be lied to is pure Hell!!!

When you say he asked if you paid "this month's house payment on time", that tells me you are usually late paying it? If so, he needs to take over the finances it sounds like. You may bring in the money, but he contributes just as much as far as cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. He needs to take care of the finances if you are habitually late paying bills. That way, you won't have to lie, he won't have to worry, and it'll take a little pressure off you both.

clearly, there is a lot more going on here than appears on the surface, and this may seem rough, but i am about as subtle as a sharp stick in the eye. hope not to offend you.... when a woman is the sole support, regardless of what is the perfect idealism...there is resentment. there is emasculation. sorry, but WHY won't he work? excuses aside. you are angry about it on some level and to show your anger and independence you have the audacity to spend your own hard-earned money!! and then lie about it. so what. you're mad and that's it. he's lucky that's all you did. it may be an old-fashioned concept, but i still adhere to what i grew up with...a MAN takes care of his woman and children. (ducking here) i work in a male environment it took years to gain respect in, so i am not sexist in the least. but you are showing anger at this guy you can't depend on. you want a man you can lean on a bit. you're tired of being the "man". am i close? let's face it, he could get some kind of job and you could get a sitter like most couples. something is wrong with a guy who won't work. let him go mooch off someone else. he's waiting for you to crawl.

I agree with weeder and lady cop.

When my husband left me my lifestyle improved. :-6 I'll leave it at that.

koan wrote: I agree with weeder and lady cop.

When my husband left me my lifestyle improved. :-6 I'll leave it at that.


Sign me up,,,, I too am a member of that club, my lifestyle is much more tolerable on my own minus the ex.

Here's the part I just don't get. SHE lies and it is HIS fault. If he did have a job would the lying still be okay? If he made more money than she does would lying be okay? If he made less but worked, would lying be okay? I'm very confused here. :-2

Hi Peg....i felt the lies were a symptom of a much deeper problem.i thought the nature of the lies revealed something. anger and resentment... that was simply my feeling in reading between the lines. we may never know, because i don't think the poster has been back here since it was first posted.

lady cop wrote: Hi Peg....i felt the lies were a symptom of a much deeper problem.i thought the nature of the lies revealed something. anger and resentment... that was simply my feeling in reading between the lines. we may never know, because i don't think the poster has been back here since it was first posted.


Maybe she's writing that letter that she should be writing to clarify things in her life?

Glad to see you back and posting and that things are looking up for you two.

Good luck to your husband on getting on a police force! :-6

very good to hear Lori! now put him on here please!....congrats on finishing up the police academy! YES! ...do you have to take a state certification exam? if you are waiting for results of that don't hesitate to put your application out to county sheriff or your state troopers! there are all kinds of agencies. and most are really in need of certified LE. may i ask what state you are in? at any rate, best wishes and let us know when you get hired, good luck! note, it took 7 months for me to get hired, our process was very lengthy and careful, as it should be. but if you want to get hired faster, try corrections just for a while. good experience and gets you on track to the road if that's what you want. corrections are desperate everywhere!

It was entirely our pleasure. We were/are glad that we could help. If your husband ever stops one of us for a traffic ticket we should work out some sort of code that would let us slide? Heh heh.

Kensloft, i for one would not let your happy butt skate so you better stay up there in the tundra with the mooses! .....Lori, here is kern county cali cruiser, enlarge to read door panels

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lady cop wrote: Kensloft, i for one would not let your happy butt skate so you better stay up there in the tundra with the mooses! .....Lori, here is kern county cali cruiser, enlarge to read door panels
Oh?

kensloft wrote: Oh?
hey...you know i'd give you a pass and tell the judge you don't have to break rocks with a pickaxe in the HOT :-6

lady cop wrote: hey...you know i'd give you a pass and tell the judge you don't have to break rocks with a pickaxe in the HOT :-6
Figgers.