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Thank you Pheasy for giving me the idea....

I would like to know about the death and bereavement customs in everyone's country- including the US as some things seem to be regional with us.

In my family, much to our disgust, we have some people who insist on taking photos of the dead in their coffin and sending them out to all the relatives, whether they attended or not. Most of us see this as disrespect but there is no accounting for people, especially with death.

Some people, especially still in the South, still cover mirrors and stop their clocks at the time of death. Do many people do this as a rule? I understand the mirrors are out of respect and to protect the souls of the living from getting "sucked in" but what's with the clocks? Is it just to show that their world has stopped?

Most people my age don't even know to do this, but on Easter and Christmas, my mom and the older generations would wear a carnation...yellow if they weren't grieving and white if they had lost someone. Anyone know what started that?

In some parts of Appalachia, when a person dies, the family tears apart their pillow to see if there is a feather crown inside. This only works with feather pillows of course. Supposedly if the dead arrived in heaven, there would be a crown or wreath thing formed of feathers inside their pillow. That has always fascinated me and I will try to find a photo of one for you; they're quite weird.

I'm sure there are customs that vary from state to state, country to country and family to family. I would like to hear about yours.

Taking photos of the dead in their coffins is horrific - OMG :wah:

For me and my family there are no customs that I can think of. A funeral, no open casket, just say goodbye. Then gather with friends and family that you only see at funerals.

I live in the southern US and let me say that the custom of taking pictures of the dead in their casket as been out of practice in our area for a while now, my mother has pictures of my grandfather but that was 50 years ago.

I also have never heard of covering mirrors and clocks or tearing apart pillows that is all new to me!

One thing I hate about our customs is family night at the funeral home, you're upset enough as it is but you have to go and stand in a line with the rest of the family there beside the casket while half the neighborhood files by and tells you how sorry they are. Then they proceed to go mingle and laugh and talk with friends like it's some kind of party!

We usually have open caskets unless something is so bad that you can't open the casket, or the family requests that it not be opened.

One thing we have very little of here is cremation.

I wonder if traditions are different in different parts of our own country? Up here in the North of England,, we close our curtains, arrange a funeral, a notice is posted in the local paper. We very rare have open caskets, i dont know of any that have. we do however have a period of time before the fumeral to go and see the deceased person in an open coffin if that is your wish and to leave something in the coffin with them, a photo etc. we have a service at a church,, or some just have it at the crematorium if they are being cremated,, if not after the service is the internment where there is another short service before at the graveside, then its off to a venue or the nearest of kins house,,, usually a venue now rather than a household. in my family, and others i have been to, the meeting afterwards usuually resembles a party,, to celebrate the life of the deceased. some put a drink on the end of the bar for the deceased and make a toast,, the drink is left there.

Taking pictures though?????yuk!!!! why would you want that picture???:-2

Hope, you're right! About the receiving line and then all the mingling while you're grieving. They don't mean it like that but when you're on the bereaved end it's like you want to smack them upside the head for daring to be happy at a time like that.

I never liked the pre-funeral viewing. Especially when they call it slumber. "She's waiting in the slumber room." Like their sleeping. Ugh.

Kaza, that's a nice gesture with the drink for the deceased.

I know! Pictures! Yuk! I accidentally ran across pictures of my late uncle someone had sent us, in a drawer, and man, what a shocker that was to have to see again. :-2

Here is a really neat site telling about feather crowns.

http://www.carrollscorner.net/FeatherDeathCrowns.htm

RedGlitter;826192 wrote: Hope, you're right! About the receiving line and then all the mingling while you're grieving. They don't mean it like that but when you're on the bereaved end it's like you want to smack them upside the head for daring to be happy at a time like that.

I never liked the pre-funeral viewing. Especially when they call it slumber. "She's waiting in the slumber room." Like their sleeping. Ugh.

Kaza, that's a nice gesture with the drink for the deceased.

I know! Pictures! Yuk! I accidentally ran across pictures of my late uncle someone had sent us, in a drawer, and man, what a shocker that was to have to see again. :-2


yes not all do it, but there is usually always a toast. is giving me shudderes to think of looking at pics like that:(

addressing Hope, yes some people i supose who are grieving real bad might find it disrespectful for others to laugh and talk as if its not serious, but here we treat it as a final farewell after the funeral, a good send off. At my mum in laws it was a right party indeed! and she would have loved it i know cos no one liked a party better than her,, and she was always the life and soul of any party,,, and i think she was there too:D We did her proud.

The last funeral I went to was for my dear MIL. We all had to stand in the receiving lines next to our spouses. My husband is one of 6, so there were 12 of us. MIL was very popular and everybody loved her, although I never thought that line was going to be soooo long.:yh_eyerol. It was two day affair with the viewing at night, another one in the morning, the mass, going to the cemetary and then everybody all got invited back to a local restaurant and had a party.

I've never experienced a funeral with an open casket/coffin. As for taking photos - yuck! I know of one occasion when we were asked to take a photo by the deceased's wife, he'd been working abroad and had died suddenly, she asked us to take a photo and keep it just in case she couldn't accept that he'd died - she did, we destroyed it without her seeing it.



Here in the westcountry people are quite reserved, we have a service either at church or the crematorium and sometimes it is followed by a reception somewhere, and yes, there will be laughter but it's a sort of acceptance that life has to go on, the death has been marked and respects paid and now it's time to move forwards.



Viewing the deceased is done in a chapel of rest (slumber?? sounds very insincere to me, too gushy) but not everyone wants to view and that's fine.

The newest custom I've seen is called A Celebration of Life. Basically the same thing said nicer.

Taking pictures of the deceased goes way back. Pictures have fallen out of custom for most - a Funeral use to be just as elaborate as a Wedding, and the deceased use to be proped up in the coffin for better picture results.

For cremation the deceased in not in a coffin - the deceased is transfered in a body bag from one location to another.

Certainly with the price of coffins - we're not going to burn them.

Customs relating to death are interesting, Queen Elizabeth started mourning jewlery.

I have a custom to leave the deceased with something small & meaningful to me.

I wrote a note to my Dad, we had a always signed notes ELF for Ever Loving Father - ELD - Ever Loving Daughter. My brother & I still sign ELS or ELB..

For my Father In-Law whom just passed, I put coupons in his pocket.

I still miss my notes from the ELF

Patsy

kazalala;826220 wrote: yes not all do it, but there is usually always a toast. is giving me shudderes to think of looking at pics like that:(

addressing Hope, yes some people i supose who are grieving real bad might find it disrespectful for others to laugh and talk as if its not serious, but here we treat it as a final farewell after the funeral, a good send off. At my mum in laws it was a right party indeed! and she would have loved it i know cos no one liked a party better than her,, and she was always the life and soul of any party,,, and i think she was there too:D We did her proud.


a party after the funeral to celebrate their life is a nice idea, but this family night thing is the night before the funeral, and everything is still so painful and raw but everyone i've ever been to their have been people laughing and talking loud in the next room while the family is grieving in the room with the casket, it's gotten to the point that some families don't have family night anymore but that just means everybody's gonna be coming to your house instead. We didn't have a family night when my dad died and you could hardly walk through the house for all the people there.

Hope6;826243 wrote: a party after the funeral to celebrate their life is a nice idea, but this family night thing is the night before the funeral, and everything is still so painful and raw but everyone i've ever been to their have been people laughing and talking loud in the next room while the family is grieving in the room with the casket, it's gotten to the point that some families don't have family night anymore but that just means everybody's gonna be coming to your house instead. We didn't have a family night when my dad died and you could hardly walk through the house for all the people there.


i see.. we dont have that here,, but some people do visit the bereaved in the days before the funeral. i think i would just go with how i feel and if i did'nt want to receive visitors i wouldnt.

Patsy, yes we all put pictures of 14 of the 23 grandchildren into the casket with MIL. The rest of the grandkids weren't born yet.

Now when my great aunt died, my grandmother wanted my sister to kiss the deceased on the lips. Thank god, I was not the youngest child then. Something about it being an Irish custom. Sister refused to do it and there was a stink.

Imladris;826229 wrote: I've never experienced a funeral with an open casket/coffin. As for taking photos - yuck! I know of one occasion when we were asked to take a photo by the deceased's wife, he'd been working abroad and had died suddenly, she asked us to take a photo and keep it just in case she couldn't accept that he'd died - she did, we destroyed it without her seeing it.



Here in the westcountry people are quite reserved, we have a service either at church or the crematorium and sometimes it is followed by a reception somewhere, and yes, there will be laughter but it's a sort of acceptance that life has to go on, the death has been marked and respects paid and now it's time to move forwards.



Viewing the deceased is done in a chapel of rest (slumber?? sounds very insincere to me, too gushy) but not everyone wants to view and that's fine.


just about every funeral i've ever been to has been open casket, there were some instances of car accidents and one sucide where the person wasn't suitable for viewing. but i've gotten to the point that when i enter the church i take my seat, i no longer go to the front to look at them.

Hope, I have been doing that for years, not looking at the desceased. I would rather remember the person when they looked happier.

I can’t say if it officially a custom or not, but the funerals I have been to here in Ireland are very respectful. The one tradition that I like is that during the ceremony close friends and family bring up to the alter symbols of things that meant a lot to the person.

For example, say the person who passed away use to bring his grandson to football (soccer) games or watch it together on TV, then the grandson would bring up a football and lay it on the alter. That kind of idea. It is nice, it tells you a lot about the person.

Then usually those who are at the funeral are invited back to a house or hotel for a meal and drinks to celebrate the life and just have a gathering of friends.

mikeinie;826311 wrote: I can’t say if it officially a custom or not, but the funerals I have been to here in Ireland are very respectful. The one tradition that I like is that during the ceremony close friends and family bring up to the alter symbols of things that meant a lot to the person.

For example, say the person who passed away use to bring his grandson to football (soccer) games or watch it together on TV, then the grandson would bring up a football and lay it on the alter. That kind of idea. It is nice, it tells you a lot about the person.

Then usually those who are at the funeral are invited back to a house or hotel for a meal and drinks to celebrate the life and just have a gathering of friends.


That does seem a nice way to show what someone meant to you. Here we sometimes have a family member or friend get up and say a few words (if they feel able) At my aunts funeral who died at just 47 her sisters husband got up, and i loved what he said he brought her to life in my mind, its the best thing i remember about that day:)

My husbands Aunt did a beautiful speech at MIL's funeral. And it was funny too. She wrote down all the things they had meant to one another through the years with kids, cousins, husbands, etc. We have a copy of speech she gave, my husband keeps it in his truck.

I have never seen anyone take photos of the deceased in the casket, but I have seen photos taken of stillborn babies.

Funerals around here are simple with church services and graveside services, or just graveside services. The days leading up to the funeral, folks take meals and such to the family. Afterwards there is usually a small gathering at the families house for family and close friends.



When my grandmother died she was real sick. At her services when they opened the casket, I about freaked. They had done so much to her, it did not look like her to me. I hated it.



I wonder about the stopping of the clocks when someone passes, is just to mark the time of the death.

Imladris;826229 wrote: I've never experienced a funeral with an open casket/coffin. As for taking photos - yuck! I know of one occasion when we were asked to take a photo by the deceased's wife, he'd been working abroad and had died suddenly, she asked us to take a photo and keep it just in case she couldn't accept that he'd died - she did, we destroyed it without her seeing it.



Here in the westcountry people are quite reserved, we have a service either at church or the crematorium and sometimes it is followed by a reception somewhere, and yes, there will be laughter but it's a sort of acceptance that life has to go on, the death has been marked and respects paid and now it's time to move forwards.



Viewing the deceased is done in a chapel of rest (slumber?? sounds very insincere to me, too gushy) but not everyone wants to view and that's fine.


im a west country girl too, and sadly have been to quite a few funerals lately. one i went to was for a very popular local man who died at an early age.

a freind gave a wonderful speech about him, we were then asked to give a round of applause for his life and it raised the roof on the very packed church, we all left with smiles on our faces.

IMO, that is what it should be about regarding funerals. Celebrating the life!

qsducks;826462 wrote: IMO, that is what it should be about regarding funerals. Celebrating the life!


I agree, qsducks. The "party" at someones home after the funeral should be a celebration of the deceased's life. "I am glad to have known........" "I remember when..........."

Folks down here in Georgia usually bring a covered dish to the house, so there is plenty to eat for all. Sometimes a photo album is brought out. Family and friends mingle with each other to share condolences and memories.

Here in Bristol we have a Tower of Silence on top of Brandon Hill, given to the Women of Bristol for this purpose by Queen Elizabeth the First. The dead are taken firstly to a funeral director and prepared, optionally to the house for the night before the funeral, then to the church for a Service For The Dead. The final trip is to the tower where they're handed over to the porters, carried to the top and exposed for the birds and the elements to return to nature. Not everyone chooses it but it's ecological, Bristol's big on ecology. We still have cemeteries of course, and there must be one of those new-fangled crematoria on the outskirts.

spot;827238 wrote: Here in Bristol we have a Tower of Silence on top of Brandon Hill, given to the Women of Bristol for this purpose by Queen Elizabeth the First. The dead are taken firstly to a funeral director and prepared, optionally to the house for the night before the funeral, then to the church for a Service For The Dead. The final trip is to the tower where they're handed over to the porters, carried to the top and exposed for the birds and the elements to return to nature. Not everyone chooses it but it's ecological, Bristol's big on ecology. We still have cemeteries of course, and there must be one of those new-fangled crematoria on the outskirts.


wow i've never heard of anything like that before, that's very interesting.

i've always disliked the idea of being put in the ground or of being burned up.

something like what you describe is an interesting alternative.

spot;827238 wrote: Here in Bristol we have a Tower of Silence on top of Brandon Hill, given to the Women of Bristol for this purpose by Queen Elizabeth the First. The dead are taken firstly to a funeral director and prepared, optionally to the house for the night before the funeral, then to the church for a Service For The Dead. The final trip is to the tower where they're handed over to the porters, carried to the top and exposed for the birds and the elements to return to nature. Not everyone chooses it but it's ecological, Bristol's big on ecology. We still have cemeteries of course, and there must be one of those new-fangled crematoria on the outskirts.


That's originally a Zoroastrian practice. They also call them Towers of Silence or 'Dokhmas.' Fire and Earth were considered too sacred for the dead to be placed in them. It's still practiced in India by some Parsis, but for the most part died out [pun!] by the beginning of the twentieth century in Iran.



Ecopods are the way to go out green (if you don't naturally turn that color, anyway.)

There are a lot of nice things in this thread in the way of how you guys handle things when you lose someone.

Sheryl, I can appreciate your reaction when you saw your grandmother. My grandmother died and her friend came in and did THE worst makeup job on her. Between that garish makeup and an unkind death, she looked very scary to me. I couldn't sleep for quite a while without seeing her face.

Spot, I mean no disrespect but are you pulling our leg about the Tower and letting the birds...? I have to ask.

When I was a hairdresser, I was asked to go to the funeral parlor and do a woman's hair. I was going to do it up until the last minute and I realized I just couldn't because I knew she had shot herself in the head. My boss did it instead.

"Green" funerals are becoming known out here. That's where the person is either cremated or interred in a cardboard coffin so they don't take up more space in the earth with a permanent coffin.

Interesting link on the Ecopods, Elixir. Thanks.

There's a company who will take a scrap of your loved one's hair (mostly carbon) and turn it into a diamond for you to wear. They even come in colors. I think that's a cool idea and kind of a modern equivalent to Victorian mourning jewelry which was usually made from plaited hair.

Not really a custom but something that is done within our family.

If you want to see the deceased you can go to the hopital & have a viewing.

A photo is placed on top of the closed coffin,flowers usually the persons favourite or in football colors.

A dvd is played that tells a happy story to celebrate the persons life,music is played usually the persons favourite music.

We try to make it a celebration of all the great things the person has done,very close family friends read out little bits & peices of the persons life.

Then it is out to the cemetary for the burial,takens etc are placed on the coffin before it is lowered into the ground. My brother in law loved lawn bowls so his bowls where placed on his coffin.

Then it is back to one of the local clubs for a small meal,finger food,coffee,beer.

Laughter,crying stories etc.The reason we have it at the club is so we can leave whenever we feel the need.If it is in your home you have to wait till everyone leaves & most times all you want to to is be alone with your immediate family & your thoughts.

RedGlitter;827249 wrote: Spot, I mean no disrespect but are you pulling our leg about the Tower and letting the birds...? I have to ask. :)There's a photo at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cabot_Tower_%28Bristol%29 and you can see the perches the birds land on. There's one on each of the four sides. You could ask koan if you like, she's seen it.

spot;827259 wrote: There's a photo at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cabot_Tower_%28Bristol%29 and you can see the perches the birds land on. There's one on each of the four sides. You could ask koan if you like, she's seen it.


That's quite an attractive building. So what happens if people want to tour the tower like Wiki mentions and there's a corpse up there? What about sanitation laws? How long does it remain there and who collects the bones afterward? I know certain tribes put up their dead but I don't know why putting bodies on that tower seems so...macabre to me.

mikeinie;826311 wrote: I can’t say if it officially a custom or not, but the funerals I have been to here in Ireland are very respectful. The one tradition that I like is that during the ceremony close friends and family bring up to the alter symbols of things that meant a lot to the person.

For example, say the person who passed away use to bring his grandson to football (soccer) games or watch it together on TV, then the grandson would bring up a football and lay it on the alter. That kind of idea. It is nice, it tells you a lot about the person.

Then usually those who are at the funeral are invited back to a house or hotel for a meal and drinks to celebrate the life and just have a gathering of friends.


Do ye do the kissing of the corpse thing as well Milkennie, sure ye must do? It depends on the families though, and the condition of the body wether the casket will be open or not. That thing in the funeral, where everyone comes up to the top bench where the family are and shake their hands, and say sorry for your troubles, thats quite nice, though when you are the family it gets a bit tedious having to shake everyone's hand in the church, I think the traditional Irish wake (or party for the dead person) is a good idea.

Galbally;827313 wrote: Do ye do the kissing of the corpse thing as well Milkennie, sure ye must do? It depends on the families though, and the condition of the body wether the casket will be open or not. That thing in the funeral, where everyone comes up to the top bench where the family are and shake their hands, and say sorry for your troubles, thats quite nice, though when you are the family it gets a bit tedious having to shake everyone's hand in the church, I think the traditional Irish wake (or party for the dead person) is a good idea.


I don’t think that I have ever kissed a corpse, however some of my ex girlfriends may have said they have :wah:

Ya the lining up and shaking hands is nice, but I always feel sorry for the family who have to shake hands with many people they might not even know that well.

Id like to see a custom where a sad clown is dragged behind a beautiful white horse during the proceedings.

It doesnt really get much better than that !

Tradition used to be for the coffin to be displayed in the parlour to receive visitors for the week before the funeral and to be taken from the house to the cemetery. When the hearse arrived all of the houses in the street would close their curtains to show respect when the body passed. At the church the pallbearers would be close members of the family.

Nowadays the coffin will be brought to the house from the undertakers on the morning of the funeral and the hearse just collects the family for the procession to the chapel of rest with the pallbearers provided by the undertakers.

I know of very few cases where he corpse has been embalmed for viewing - normally it's a closed coffin.

I know I shouldn't say it but I enjoyed my own mothers funeral.

I must explain that statement.

She had been unwell for some time, her death was a relief to all who loved her.

We all gathered from far and wide, all her children and grandchildren.

She was celebrated with a ceremony and a drink.

We met old friends and relatives, united by our grief and respect for my Mum.

We did not dwell on the bad times, and I can tell you most people enjoyed the day, not for the reason of the occasion, but for the celebration of a life, that had touched us all.

It is a regret that these days it takes a funeral or wedding to bring members of a family together