~HILARIOUS John Cleese bit!~
Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 9:22 pm
this is long, but worth reading, it's funny as hell
Subject: Can't be any worse off than we are now
> Important Instructions from John Cleese
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your
> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II
> will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other
> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
>
> Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
> 97.85%
> of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your
> borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further
> elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will
> be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To
aid in
> the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn
> to
> spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love
> affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
> "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the
suffix
> 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell
> Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
> to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> "interspersed".
> There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
not
> old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat
shows.
> When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad
> language as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account
> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to
> learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
> "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking
> about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in
> England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it
> Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
> Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the
> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red
> Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
> audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
> incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult
> game.
>
> Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which
> is
> similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest
> every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We
> are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You
> should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called
> the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
> Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
> baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
> which
> is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector
cards or
> hotdogs.
>
> 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer
> be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
> handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish
> to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will
> go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are
> not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut
and
> fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which
> should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
> aggressive with customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will
> be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known
> as
> "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
> Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
> company
> whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
> This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in
> Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA
> and
> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
> gallon - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> handled
> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
> handle a gun.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
> collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
> ensure
> the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as
in
> "clear", NOT Nucular.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation and have a wonderful day
>
Subject: Can't be any worse off than we are now
> Important Instructions from John Cleese
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your
> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II
> will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other
> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
>
> Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
> 97.85%
> of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your
> borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further
> elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will
> be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To
aid in
> the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn
> to
> spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love
> affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
> "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the
suffix
> 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell
> Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
> to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> "interspersed".
> There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
not
> old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat
shows.
> When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad
> language as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account
> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to
> learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
> "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking
> about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in
> England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it
> Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
> Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the
> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red
> Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
> audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
> incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult
> game.
>
> Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which
> is
> similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest
> every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We
> are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You
> should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called
> the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
> Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
> baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
> which
> is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector
cards or
> hotdogs.
>
> 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer
> be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
> handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish
> to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will
> go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are
> not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut
and
> fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which
> should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
> aggressive with customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will
> be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known
> as
> "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
> Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
> company
> whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
> This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in
> Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA
> and
> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
> gallon - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> handled
> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
> handle a gun.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
> collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
> ensure
> the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as
in
> "clear", NOT Nucular.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation and have a wonderful day
>
