ForumGarden

Yep. You did write all that, and it's really unfortunate that you are going through this.

You said near the end of your post that "we have tried to save our marriage several times"...and I am wondering why. Why do you put effort into something that is dead? If you're right about your wife not caring either, then why, for the love of Pete, would you stay? (No, I don't know who Pete is...)

Do you discuss divorce? Living separately? Even a "trial" separation? You said you discuss "family business" and I'd say that this is pretty important family business. Perhaps some will find my statement selfish, but I have always believed that if you are unhappy, get Out. Capital "O", out now!!! What purpose does staying serve? To continue to make 2 people miserable? Even just one person miserable is not good. Will she fight your leaving? If the answer is "no", then the solution is pretty obvious.

I have heard people say "I stay because of the kids." I think this is no reason to stay somewhere you are miserable, and damaging to the kids. Your kids are grown! So that's not an issue either.

Change is scary. Especially when you are at the age of retiring. Check that. Change is just scary, no matter your age. A major decision like this is bound to freak a person out. But the alternative? Spending your retirement with a woman you don't even like? You have the answer already, Easy. You just can't bring yourself to say it out loud. I think you should do that right now. Say out loud "I am leaving." See how it fits.

As for getting life counseling on the Net, you picked a great place to do it. You're gonna be pleasantly surprised by the help you'll find here.

To continue to make yourself miserable is totally pointless. Are you a masochist? No? Then why are you there? Guilt? Someone said to me once (or maybe I read it, I don't recall): "Guilt is like a load of bricks. You just gotta set it down." Simplistic, I know. But pretty damn good advice. Let us know how you are doing, ok? :yh_peace

Easy wrote: I'm not at all sure where to start with this and I feel kind of silly bringing this to total strangers. The internet is not the place to get life counselling but it does serve to pass the time. Here goes.



I'll start with a quick run-down of some information. I have been married for many years. Two great kids 33 and 30. 3 wonderful grandchildren. Good job. O.K. house in a great neighborhood. Planning for retirement in 5 to 7 years.



Here's my quandry. I dispise my wife. I'm sure she, too, does not love me. We have been going through the motions for many years without even a glimmer marital enjoyment. You know, they say that hindsight is 20-20. Well when I look back at our lives together I can't imagine how we made it this far. In our early 30s we went to a marriege counselor to see if we could put some kind of spark into our relationship but after going to counselling for weeks and weeks I guess we decided that it was useless and simply stopped going. Man! That was almost 30 years ago.



We do not argue and fight. We don't even care enough to do that. We go through life like zombies. We talk once in a while but it's usually only about family business issues and then we settle back into our separate worlds. Her interests and mine are always exactly opposite. We tried for years to alternate who would select our little vacation get-aways once a year. We hated each other's selections so much that we finally stopped going anywhere together.



I have never mistreated her and I have never cheated on her. I don't think (read care) that she has either. Our first five years of marriage was O.K. but it seems that after our second child was born our marriage turned to pure hell. Before we were married I thought my wife was a typical young girl and we had some very good times together. I thought our first five years was just a long adjustment period. My mother-in-law interfered terribly. My folks stayed away. Our sex life has been a miserable failure from the word go. She hates to be touched.



I'm pretty sure you get the picture without me going on and on any more than I already have. We have tried to save our marriage several times and I'm to the point that I don't want to try anymore. It's kind of like a restaurant - after going back several times and getting the same bad food you simply don't want to go there anymore.



Anyway, I'm asking for opinions on my situation and maybe a little discussion can trigger some kind of solution or maybe get me thinking in a different direction. I just can't bear to think that we could ever spend our retirement years together.



Whew! Did I write all that? Thanks for reading my post.


Can you afford to get a divorce, split the assets and live separately, or, is that not financially practical?

Have you ever been stuck in an elevator? Music sucks, all closed in, no view. Pry the doors open and get out. Easy, I don't mean to be mean, but you've just wasted your whole life. Don't waste another day. "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover:guitarist Just slip out the back Jack, Make a new plan Stan, Don't need to be coy Roy, just listen to me. Hop on the bus Gus, don't need to discuss muuuuuch, just drop off the key Lee, and set yourself free" Kareoke on the Forum Garden, thank you, thank you very much. (add Elvis here) Divorce will be expensive, since it has been a long term marriage. Perhaps a seperation would suffice. L8R G8R

I think it's never too late to start living. If you are retiring you will be spending more time together and that is a concern.

If you said to her "Are you happy?" Would that start the discussion that is needed? If she just shrugged you could ask what she thinks if you tell her you are not happy. Just a suggestion. Sometimes starting the conversation is the hardest part but once it is started it leads to what is meant to be said. I doubt if you even know each other anymore. Maybe the right questions are "Who are you?" and "Do you want to know who I am?"

Good luck deciding what to do.

]Easy,

Sounds to me like you've already made a decision. So what is it?

I've been down that road already and believe me you already know what your going to do; you just haven't gotten enough gutts up to do it yet.

It won't be easy or a happy experience getting there, and it will take a while to adjust to a new life.

Best Wishes for both of you,

Jan :-5

Never too late to fix a bad choice.......Dear God man..... Head for the hills...Alone.

Change is never easy and that especially goes for a divorce (no matter what some folks may say). Been there.

As they say "You only have one life--this is no dress rehearsal."

You can still always be "dad and grandpa", even after you are no longer "the husband".

You and your wife deserve to be happy.

Would you feel even more upset if you learned your wife felt the same way?

Would you feel justified if you knew that she HAD cheated...since you do not CARE.

Does it sound like you're taking for granted someone who has stuck by you just as much as you've stuck by her (and boy...do i feel that you think you deserve a medal for doing only that)

Point is....this is your LIFE. You've not CARED enough for yourself or your wife to TRY....and I mean HONESTLY TRY.

There was something there when you married....remember it. Don't cast her away because you're simply "tired" and want a different "buffet".

Your wife of that many years deserves some imput on your emotions and deserves to know the TRUTH about what you are fixing to do.

Don't take a chance and absolutely squash her entirely. You have to realize...you are an older generation and it is likely she has spent her whole life with only the persona of "your wife". Imagine things from her end.

Devil's advocate, but some very good ideas to consider I might add. It is quite possible you should think about both of you just for this once instead of yourself...after all, this will change her life too.

I wonder if you ever took time to do things that made you happy. Did you go sailing or fishing, hang out with the guys? You make it sound like you came home to a house you didn't like for that long and just sat around being unhappy.

If she hates to be touched you might have been going to the wrong therapy.

Whatever the past, would you give her everything just to be free or are you concerned with maintaining a 'comfortable lifestyle'?

What do your kids think? Have you asked them? You might be surprised.

YOU started this, WE'LL say when it's enough! :wah:

You sound very reasonable. I'm glad you have your daughter's support.

If you can't be bothered to argue with your wife anymore then thats a bad sign.

I think you know what you have to do already, but try and make the split as amicable as possible, just dont expect it to be easy because it wont be after all these years.

You will feel like crap for a while (yes, you will; even if this really is what you want)

but things will get better in time and you wii be able to get on with the things you want to.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Easy.. I gave you a snappy answer because the circumstances you describe are so familiar to me. I have lived them myself, and have been involved with others who have lived the way you describe. So it touches a very strong emmotional cord in me. Your comment above about having to work into your 60s prompted me to write more. My outlook on life has always been that we were here for a short time and that our relations with the closest others in our lives should be fufilling,and happy. There is a price to pay for making a change after all these years, however. It is always very painful and difficult to leave someone you have history with. You will never have that same history with anyone else. Because I was never willing to stay forever in unhappy relationships.. I am looking at the possibility of never being able to retire. When you enjoy good health its great to think your a strong person who can go it alone. There comes a time when you wonder who will be there for me as I get older? And its frightening. It also seems to me that there is an army of men and women in the world who are chamelons. They are enthusiastic, warm loving and agreeable whilst they are formulating a relationship. Once committed they become the profile of the wife you described. So maybe the suggestion that was made to you about considering a seperation was a good one. Seperations are a time for people to evaluate and maybe change things before it is too late.

you have to think of the time you met. what was she like then?? what made you love her??? what after all this time has made you stay even do you were unhappy. their must be something that is making you want to stay!?? otherwise you would have cheated or left by now. Really if you cant find happiness then theirs no point staying. ik know after all this time you may feel like you should and that you're life and marriage is a lie. but all i can say is that if you're not happy. Leave now you still have the chance not in 30 years when you're 80 or 90 and wonder what happened to you're life and never to have beign truly happy. Stop thinking about other people and think about you're self do what makes you happy. You only live once. Hope that helps

Easy, (wry grin), if your name is indicative of the type of solution you are wanting, well...it ain't gonna happen.



My suggestion is simply that you take your life back into your hands. I was pleased to see that you were admitting some shortcomings on your part. That's honest.



Go a little further, though. Your wife didn't support your career, and you allowed it. Your wife refused to move, and you allowed it. She didn't share your hobbies or any of your interests, and you allowed it. It's very important that you shoulder your half of the responsibility. If you don't, you'll never find the courage to make the changes you need. You will continue to resent her, and quite possibly the next few women who come along willing to love you.



You are not a victim and neither is she. You were able to successfully raise children between you. That's very cool. Both of you can feel really good about that, and hopefully respect each other for it. But if there is no love, and there is no hope of love, then both of you deserve better.



In my mind, the first and most important thing you can do for yourself is to actively work at letting go of the resentment. See what, if anything, is left after that...and then your decision should be very clear. Keep us posted, and best of luck.

I sympathise completely with your situation. What can i say other than you must have the patience of a saint to live like this for such a long time.

My motto: I'd rather be on my own than with someone i don't love.

And i live by it, i left my husband nearly 4 years ago now for that reason - that we didn't love each other. We didn't argue, often. But we did have different interests and we grew appart. I will not tell you it is easy, especially when there are children concerned, however life has a funny way of turning out ok in the end.

No-one can tell you what to do or how to live your life but you must think of what is best for you.

Busybee :-6

I had to add this quote hoping it gives you direction while your trying to make your life changing decisions. It has come to my aid many times.

"You will get what you give your time too.......

What's coming for you?"

Author Unknown

[concerning your wife] Perhaps it's time to: Decide what is important to you. Devote some time to whatever that might be. Then look forward to receiving it. Because, you are receiving now what you gave your time to in the past. It hasn't made you happy.

As the quote says, what you receive in the future begins with what you do now.

I wish you and your wife the courage to devote some time to each other before you give up on the idea you could ever be happy together.

Hey Easy, no words of wisdom from my lips i would like to wish you all the very best and hope that you manage to find a little happiness. x

How about these words...(can't remember who said them) ......"You get what you settle for". How true that is. Many of us are content to merely exist because

"to live" requires too much effort. It sounds like you have been in a comfortable spot and simply didn't want to work hard or rock the boat by trying to improve your situation. Now that retirement and the golden years are catching up to you and causing you to finally see what you have missed out on, regret sets in and forces you to take notice. As Weeder said......"Good God man, run for the hills!!" It's never to late to find happiness, but it requires work. Time is ticking away!!!

Nothing worth having has ever come easy.

Your not old until regrets take the place of your dreams..........RUN!!....and start dreaming again!! :-6

Easy, I was just teasing about the name thing. I'm glad to hear that the garden has been helpful to you. Welcome.