ForumGarden

well i have to say this one sums me up these days :rolleyes::rolleyes:



YouTube - Stan Boreson - I Just Don't Look Good Naked Anymore

you guys are a tough crowd these days :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl





ok

last one for the night



Beer! And Some Quotes

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston

Churchill. His reply -- Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beer - Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

My problem with most althletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra

"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" --Brian O'Rourke

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" --Dave Howell

Show me the way to go home

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed

I had a little drink

About an hour ago

And it went straight to my head

Where ever I may go

On land, or sea, or snow

You can always hear me

Singing this song

Show me the way to go home

:wah:

cheers hoppy i thought no one would join in as usual :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Annette and Patti are outside their nursing home,

having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Annette pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,

puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Patti: What in the hell is that?

Annettte: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Patti: Where did you get it?

Annette: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Patti hobbles herself into the local drugstore

and announces to the pharmacist that she wants

a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed,

looks at her kind of strangely

(she is after all, over 80 years of age),

but very delicately asks

what brand of condom she prefers.

she says it dont matter as long as it fits a camel

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!

I'm reading Jimbo and as usual, you are cracking me up. :yh_rotfl

Gun Control

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to

slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va. drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!'

hoppy;1202292 wrote: Gun Control

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to

slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va. drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumba$$, stop clapping!'


:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

THE VIBRATOR

> >

> > As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

> > door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

> > within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

> > with a vibrator.

> >

> > Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

> > doing?'

> >

> > The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years

> > old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

> > I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

> > leave me alone.'

> >

> > The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz

> > coming from the other side of the closed bedroom

> > door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

> > daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

> >

> > To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter

> > said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this

> > thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

> > husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

> >

> > A couple days later, the wife came home from a

> > shopping trip,

> > placed the groceries on the kitchen

> > counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,

> > of all places, the living room. She entered that

> > area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

> > downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

> >

> > The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing

> > like crazy.

> >

> > The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

> >

> > The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

> > son-in-law.'

Peg;1202291 wrote: I'm reading Jimbo and as usual, you are cracking me up. :yh_rotfl


thanks peg :)

mackems song to me at the moment :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl



YouTube - Jimmy Buffett YOU'RE An Asshole

hoppy;1202294 wrote: THE VIBRATOR

> >

> > As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

> > door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

> > within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

> > with a vibrator.

> >

> > Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

> > doing?'

> >

> > The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years

> > old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

> > I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

> > leave me alone.'

> >

> > The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz

> > coming from the other side of the closed bedroom

> > door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

> > daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

> >

> > To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter

> > said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this

> > thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

> > husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

> >

> > A couple days later, the wife came home from a

> > shopping trip,

> > placed the groceries on the kitchen

> > counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,

> > of all places, the living room. She entered that

> > area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

> > downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

> >

> > The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing

> > like crazy.

> >

> > The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

> >

> > The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

> > son-in-law.'
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl At least he won't drink the beer and never asks for a loan.

farmer giles;1202297 wrote: thanks peg :)

mackems song to me at the moment :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl



YouTube - Jimmy Buffett YOU'RE An *******


im sure i would enjoy that if i hadnt lost the sound on my computer:rolleyes::-5:yh_rotfl:-5

Sentimental but answers the question :-4

YouTube - James Taylor - Shower the People (Beacon Theatre 1998)