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Really Good Deed



This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Pharmaceutical Understanding



A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

:)

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl



A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to Perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems

to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,'

and it shall rise For as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down".

But be warned, "IT will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has got a massive stiffy, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks,.

.

.

.

.

.

"What did you say '123' for?"

:)

Claude and Maude...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."



Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

You found a bloody antique joke book mate:yh_rotfl

Either that or you have a fantastic memory.:p:yh_rotfl

:)

My dearest wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your

54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with

you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this

letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will

be spending the evening with my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn

Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the husband came home, he found a letter on the dining Room table:

My dearest husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to

take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At

the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading

this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my tennis coach, who,

like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with

your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in

the same

situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot

more times than

54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow !

barman you tosser:yh_rotfl



An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And supposing something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!!"

come on barman this is a cracker:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl



THE PERFECT HUSBAND

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park

bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She

said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every

morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and

freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite

brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my

favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live."

:) pssst what is a nefie ???



THE CORONER'S REPORT



Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big

smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.



Coroner tells the Inspector:



'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress.

Hence the enormous smile.'



'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent

it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'



The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'



'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Billy Earl, the

Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.'



'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.



'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

:)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...

:yh_rotfl

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of goodness are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

"...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl come on this one is funny



Firmer

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his privates.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!

An old man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything will be OK, but I need to mention to you something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."

The bloke perks up at this.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher

she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you

decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

"We're having a new kitchen."

:wah:

Thank you, Jimbo, for taking the time to share your jokes with us.









Tosser!

:D

along-for-the-ride;1214783 wrote: :wah:

Thank you, Jimbo, for taking the time to share your jokes with us.









Tosser!

:D


charming have you been in cahoots with wisey and barman:)

Pssst. A Newfie is a native of Newfoundland.

Some of these are so funny I almost spewed on my screen!! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

along-for-the-ride;1214783 wrote: :wah:

Thank you, Jimbo, for taking the time to share your jokes with us.

you are most welcome:)









Tosser!

:D
:rolleyes:

OpenMind;1214795 wrote: Pssst. A Newfie is a native of Newfoundland.
thanks :wah:

shelbell;1215027 wrote: Some of these are so funny I almost spewed on my screen!! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


coz you have a sick sense of humour :yh_rotfl



Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl









psssst....and you're right about the sick humor!