ForumGarden

I'm dead serious with this post. I have been with my Wife now for about 3 years total and it seems that no matter what I do, how hard I try, how nice I am to them, how I have never gotten into a single argument with them, that it seems like they will NEVER like me. In fact I have this overwhelming feeling that they are just waiting for me and their daughter to get into a big fight and to separate just so that they can tell her what a "loser" I am. Even though they have never said anything. It really pisses me off because I am an extremely sensitive person who can feel the feelings of others and it's like it's been kicking into high gear lately sometimes I feel as if they are just going to come right out and tell me that I'm not "good enough" for their daughter or some **** like that.

At first I had high hopes in the beginning of our relationship that her parents would one day understand me and think of me as their family but I just don't see that day ever coming. Although one day perhaps it will. All I know is they don't make movies about Inlaws for nothing I guess.

Does anyone else on this board have a similar problem with their inlaws? Or am I the only one?

It might not help that me and my wife are two different races either. But I don't fall in love with colors I fall in love with people.

Of course with Life, circumstances can change on a dime. And it could just be that tensions have been rising in their lives as well.

TruthBringer;1344407 wrote: I'm dead serious with this post. I have been with my Wife now for about 3 years total and it seems that no matter what I do, how hard I try, how nice I am to them, how I have never gotten into a single argument with them, that it seems like they will NEVER like me. In fact I have this overwhelming feeling that they are just waiting for me and their daughter to get into a big fight and to separate just so that they can tell her what a "loser" I am. Even though they have never said anything. It really pisses me off because I am an extremely sensitive person who can feel the feelings of others and it's like it's been kicking into high gear lately sometimes I feel as if they are just going to come right out and tell me that I'm not "good enough" for their daughter or some **** like that.

At first I had high hopes in the beginning of our relationship that her parents would one day understand me and think of me as their family but I just don't see that day ever coming. Although one day perhaps it will. All I know is they don't make movies about Inlaws for nothing I guess.

Does anyone else on this board have a similar problem with their inlaws? Or am I the only one?

It might not help that me and my wife are two different races either. But I don't fall in love with colors I fall in love with people.


Just an observation, IMO, 3 years is a long time, but to some people that's still only beginning. You said you are extremely sensitive, so consider if you may be over reacting to little things they do & or say but because of your sensitivity, you consider it more then what it actually is, or what they really mean. You've never had an argument with the "outlaws", as they may have that feeling with things being the way they are. Since you have never told them your true feelings, they really don't know the real you. Sometimes opening up your heart may/can win them over. Good Luck, & best wishes.

Ah, what is important is you and the missus. It took my in-laws about 7-8 until the even liked me at all, and stopped refering to me in very negative terms. I am very sensitive too, but in this matter, I had to shut out their comments and feedback. Nowdays they like me very much, so perserverance does work.

Just keep your focus on your marriage and remain the loving supportive husband you are. Be courteous and respectful to your in-laws as they are your wife's parents, but curb you expectations of them. I do believe they will embrace you...in time. Just don't waste your time fretting over what you can't change.....for now.

chonsigirl;1344437 wrote: Ah, what is important is you and the missus. It took my in-laws about 7-8 until the even liked me at all, and stopped refering to me in very negative terms. I am very sensitive too, but in this matter, I had to shut out their comments and feedback. Nowdays they like me very much, so perserverance does work.


I couldn't have said it any better. My wife has 12 brothers and sisters from two marriages. One side of the family warmed up to me and has been very nice all these 18 years. The others might have well have been aliens from another planet. Ever get the cold shoulder from someone at the same time the person was seemingly being nice to you? that's how I feel every time I see them.

And next week's the Thanksgiving get together. Great, just great.

Well, it's been a wonderful 18 years with my girl...and that's enough.

Ssometimes you just can't please some people. Sometimes people are ignorant or nuts. I never had a problem with my in-laws (3 sets) but my brother did. The night before his wedding, his soon to be mother-in-law told me she couldn't believe we came from the same family because she liked me but she couldn't stand my brother! My brother was very handsome and 7 years younger then her daughter, so maybe she thought he wasn't going to be a good husband but he was. He provided beautiful homes, furniture, cars, beautiful clothes, always the best of everything. They had 4 children and the mother-in-law blamed my brother for "putting her through that" after she'd had a bad delivery the first time. She ended up hating the oldest son because he looked just like my brother and hating the youngest daughter because she acted like him. She never changed to her dying day. My brother and his wife just celebrated 50 years of marriage in August and they still have a happy, loving marriage and 4 great kids.

So long as you and the wife still like each other, quit worrying about the rest of the family. Just be yourself with them. It sounds kinda like you are forcing yourself to behave differently around them. That wouldn't be very comfortable for anyone IMO. They may be wondering why you seem so phony

I think the problem is you TB, I don't mean to be harsh but ask yourself who's saying what to whom. Your inlaws have said nothing correct?

Even though they have never said anything.


I've been married for a long time and I can't think of the amount of times my brain has hatched some conspiracy theory about my wife's actions or family members doings. I can say though that with time 80% of these theories were dead wrong.

We all have active imaginations, it's part of being human. We make mistakes when we let our imaginations run wild and control us. From your posts I can say you have a very active imagination, not a bad thing considering imagination brought us to where we are now. My advice is keep your mouth shut, especially when dealing with THEORIES about what other people are thinking.

You sound more like you need a hobby to occupy your mind deeper than it is now. Try building models.

cars;1344429 wrote: Just an observation, IMO, 3 years is a long time, but to some people that's still only beginning. You said you are extremely sensitive, so consider if you may be over reacting to little things they do & or say but because of your sensitivity, you consider it more then what it actually is, or what they really mean. You've never had an argument with the "outlaws", as they may have that feeling with things being the way they are. Since you have never told them your true feelings, they really don't know the real you. Sometimes opening up your heart may/can win them over. Good Luck, & best wishes.


Thank you kindly. I am the Boar in the Chinese Astrology so sometimes I do tend to get a little paranoid if I notice patterns. I think you might be right and that sometimes I am overly sensitive to situations and evironments. This is true as well with the Boar. I am also the Cancer in Western Astrology so that is among the most sensitive signs as well next to the Pisces.

chonsigirl;1344437 wrote: Ah, what is important is you and the missus. It took my in-laws about 7-8 until the even liked me at all, and stopped refering to me in very negative terms. I am very sensitive too, but in this matter, I had to shut out their comments and feedback. Nowdays they like me very much, so perserverance does work.


Very true Chons. Thanks for the advice.

along-for-the-ride;1344443 wrote: Just keep your focus on your marriage and remain the loving supportive husband you are. Be courteous and respectful to your in-laws as they are your wife's parents, but curb you expectations of them. I do believe they will embrace you...in time. Just don't waste your time fretting over what you can't change.....for now.


You are right and you know last night was a pretty crazy night even by my own standards and so it may have led a bit to my confusion/frustration. I think in a way they do like me but I also feel like the Chons was right that all that really matters is me and my girl.

Saint_;1344457 wrote: Ever get the cold shoulder from someone at the same time the person was seemingly being nice to you? that's how I feel every time I see them.




I know exactly how you feel. lol. Pins and needles.

ZAP;1344463 wrote: Ssometimes you just can't please some people. Sometimes people are ignorant or nuts. I never had a problem with my in-laws (3 sets) but my brother did. The night before his wedding, his soon to be mother-in-law told me she couldn't believe we came from the same family because she liked me but she couldn't stand my brother! My brother was very handsome and 7 years younger then her daughter, so maybe she thought he wasn't going to be a good husband but he was. He provided beautiful homes, furniture, cars, beautiful clothes, always the best of everything. They had 4 children and the mother-in-law blamed my brother for "putting her through that" after she'd had a bad delivery the first time. She ended up hating the oldest son because he looked just like my brother and hating the youngest daughter because she acted like him. She never changed to her dying day. My brother and his wife just celebrated 50 years of marriage in August and they still have a happy, loving marriage and 4 great kids.


Yes and Love thy Neighbor as Thyself is something I wish all Humans practiced.

flopstock;1344465 wrote: So long as you and the wife still like each other, quit worrying about the rest of the family. Just be yourself with them. It sounds kinda like you are forcing yourself to behave differently around them. That wouldn't be very comfortable for anyone IMO. They may be wondering why you seem so phony


I try to be myself at all times. But I see what you are saying. I think it's more the type of people we are. So different and that only works well with opposite sexes in a relationship usually. Not with the inlaws so much. lol.

Scrat;1344483 wrote: I think the problem is you TB, I don't mean to be harsh but ask yourself who's saying what to whom. Your inlaws have said nothing correct?



I've been married for a long time and I can't think of the amount of times my brain has hatched some conspiracy theory about my wife's actions or family members doings. I can say though that with time 80% of these theories were dead wrong.

We all have active imaginations, it's part of being human. We make mistakes when we let our imaginations run wild and control us. From your posts I can say you have a very active imagination, not a bad thing considering imagination brought us to where we are now. My advice is keep your mouth shut, especially when dealing with THEORIES about what other people are thinking.

You sound more like you need a hobby to occupy your mind deeper than it is now. Try building models.


Man my imagination is incredible I'll give you that. But.....I don't want people thinking that my threads on here are imagination. I learn to keep imagination separate from facts when I post on message boards. In my personal Life on the other hand, you are pretty much right, my imagination does tend to run wild at times. Sometimes only because I am a very protective person. Protective over my own feelings, etc. Protective over everything. Much of that might have to do with my past though. But that's something I have already covered in other threads.

Me and my Wife on our honeymoon (It was a Vegas wedding):

My dad's mother always felt he married "beneath him" and was outright mean to my mother on many occasions. She never got over it, my dad just learned to draw the line and my mother had to learn to not need approval from the old bat. My grandmother moved in to a secondary suite in my parents' house when she was 80 and legally blind. She was given a bell so that, if she needed something, my mother would hear and could check on her. You can bet that bell was the most hated sound in my mothers world. My grandmother totally abused it and treated her like a slave. Despite my mothers tolerance and catering, my grandmother would still say nasty things to her until my father finally sat her down and said that if he was made to choose between his mother and his wife my grandmother would be looking for a new home.

So, finally at the age of 84, my grandmother learned to keep her mouth shut... but only because she wanted to continue being served.

You might win them over but I wouldn't put too many eggs in that basket emotionally.

TruthBringer;1344500 wrote: Me and my Wife on our honeymoon (It was a Vegas wedding):




Okay, you two are adorable!

koan;1344503 wrote: My dad's mother always felt he married "beneath him" and was outright mean to my mother on many occasions. She never got over it, my dad just learned to draw the line and my mother had to learn to not need approval from the old bat. My grandmother moved in to a secondary suite in my parents' house when she was 80 and legally blind. She was given a bell so that, if she needed something, my mother would hear and could check on her. You can bet that bell was the most hated sound in my mothers world. My grandmother totally abused it and treated her like a slave. Despite my mothers tolerance and catering, my grandmother would still say nasty things to her until my father finally sat her down and said that if he was made to choose between his mother and his wife my grandmother would be looking for a new home.

So, finally at the age of 84, my grandmother learned to keep her mouth shut... but only because she wanted to continue being served.

You might win them over but I wouldn't put too many eggs in that basket emotionally.


You know it's weird even with my Mother who is never mean to anyone, and I do mean never, whenever it seems that I am with someone and even now with my Wife, I notice a change in the way my Mother treats them as compared to everyone else. Almost like as if her protective instincts kick in or something. But my Mother and my Wife have recently been more caring towards each other even to the point where they have said they love each other. It took a long time to get to this point though but I am very happy it has. But you know it's just my Wife has an outgoing family and I am kind of shy and reserved in public, until provoked of course. I think passive aggressive is the correct term. But as of now, I get along with all of my Wife's friends, which is cool, and virtually all of her cousins (she must have like 50 of them), which is cool. So I guess it boils down to you can't please everyone all the time. Which is what it seems many of you were getting at.

flopstock;1344513 wrote: Okay, you two are adorable!


Hey thanks Flop. First time I ever shared a self picture with the community here. I feel like if I am right about everything I believe is going to happen within the next few years, that before this board disappears I just want to be able to say that I felt like I knew you guys pretty well. And it always helps to put a face with a name when trying to do that.

Meaning for this to sound positive: If everything you think is going to happen actually does, then what your inlaws think of you will hardly matter soon.

TruthBringer;1344491 wrote: You are right and you know last night was a pretty crazy night even by my own standards and so it may have led a bit to my confusion/frustration. I think in a way they do like me but I also feel like the Chons was right that all that really matters is me and my girl.


That is all that matters. You can waste a lifetime worrying about the good opinion of people whose opinion, when it comes right down to it, is not that important. It's not what people do and say that governs how you fell it's how you choose to react to it. When someone cuts you up in traffic you can either decide to get angry about it or just ignore the pillock. You decide if you are happy and content not someone else.

gmc;1344532 wrote: That is all that matters. You can waste a lifetime worrying about the good opinion of people whose opinion, when it comes right down to it, is not that important. It's not what people do and say that governs how you fell it's how you choose to react to it. When someone cuts you up in traffic you can either decide to get angry about it or just ignore the pillock. You decide if you are happy and content not someone else.


Well put.

Well the main thing is to avoid acting on impulse. Never do anything without thinking about it first. You'd be amazed what mysteries a 24 hour wait can solve. :wah: