ForumGarden

Hello, its my first time on here, so sorry if I waffle. I found out 2 days ago that my husband has slept with the same woman 3 times when he was meant to be at work..i found out as she emailed me to tell me and that shes pregnant.....We have 3 children together, and have been married for 11 n half years. He is a soldier in the British Army and we are currently living in Germany.. I have sent him to the "block" to stay for now as I really don't know what to do...I have spoken to "HER" about this and she has agreed to a termianation, we are paying half ( not free in Germany) I'm in bits, no idea what to do- so unexpected, hes quiet ( yeah the quiet ones are the ones to watch) doesnt go out, doesnt socialise etc....

Has he admitted his guilt? I wouldn't automatically believe anything a strange woman has to say.

hurtandupset;1396592 wrote: Hello, its my first time on here, so sorry if I waffle. I found out 2 days ago that my husband has slept with the same woman 3 times when he was meant to be at work..i found out as she emailed me to tell me and that shes pregnant.....We have 3 children together, and have been married for 11 n half years. He is a soldier in the British Army and we are currently living in Germany.. I have sent him to the "block" to stay for now as I really don't know what to do...I have spoken to "HER" about this and she has agreed to a termianation, we are paying half ( not free in Germany) I'm in bits, no idea what to do- so unexpected, hes quiet ( yeah the quiet ones are the ones to watch) doesnt go out, doesnt socialise etc.... Hi

You say she has agreed to a termination. By the word ' agreed ' I am assuming you and your husband have talked her Into this.

Your first practical response ought to be a full battery of tests at a reputable STD clinic.

Yes he's admitted it, hes moved into the army block..also since the "incidents" we have not had sex, so no chance of any STD's...

and no, not talked her into it. asked her and she said yes...

hurtandupset;1396613 wrote: and no, not talked her into it. asked her and she said yes... You won't like what I'm going to say here. I understand your hurt and sense of betrayal but ultimately, the unborn child Is nothing to do with you. It's her child, not yours and you should not be Included In the decision making. I know that sounds tough.

If she has the baby and your husband spends the next 20 years paying child maintainence, then It's a costly price to pay for his betrayal.

If you love your husband, you will forgive him but please, either of you, don't emotionally blackmail a woman Into aborting a child simply because It will be a reminder of his Infidelity.

I hate using cliches but this one seems to be true... once a cheater, always a cheater. And the idiot didn't even use protection.

err never blackmailed her - said " do you want this baby?" she said no.. end of and if she did keep it, yes he would pay..but i would have to see his/our money going out of the bank every single month, so it has to be a factor..

hurtandupset;1396620 wrote: err never blackmailed her - said " do you want this baby?" she said no.. end of and if she did keep it, yes he would pay..but i would have to see his/our money going out of the bank every single month, so it has to be a factor..


Money going out of your bank every month should not be a factor In aborting a child. Weather the other woman wants her baby should be the only factor. If It's her decision to abort the baby, then the ball Is In her court.

If she keeps the baby and money Is going out of your bank account each month to support that child then you have another option... leave your cheating husband and claim maintainence from him also so you're not out of pocket.

I'd throw in a request for another snippet of background - this is after all one of Our Boys we're talking about. Has he been deployed in one of the active war theatres since he signed up? Might he be given a bit of slack on the grounds of danger-induced stress?

Normally I would 100% agree with snoozeagain - once a cheater, always a cheater.

The one concern I have in this case is that you say you are the wife of a serving soldier. If he really thought he might die, strange things go on. But it's a heck of a thing you do, if you carry on with him after this. If you DO go on, you give him hell for a set period (don't tell him how long until you are feeling kind, and then tell him) and then you never mention it again, or he will have no chance of making a relationship with you.

If he then cheats again, you leave; no questions, no arguments, you are gone.

Dear Heartandupset

Welcome to our Forum. A little about me.....I was once married to an American soldier and for a time we were also stationed in Germany.

You may feel so alone over there and what you need is support, either from the Army community or a church. I am not blaming you for your husband's infidelity. But if you do want to give your marriage a chance, do seek help either with your husband or separately. You have your responsibilites, your children. The other woman has hers. You husband also must take responsibility for his actions.

Believe it or not. life does go on.

I won't allow "HIM" to live elsewhere. I'd make him experience the wrath of a hurt woman.

I won't allow him to have that freedom - I'd make him deal with me and that would decide if the marriage is truely worth saving. Get HIM back home & make him deal with the situation he created..

Good Luck

Patsy

Welcome to FG, sorry it's not under better circumstances.

Your husband needs to get checked out for any STD's especially if you are considering staying together.

The decision to terminate or not is solely up to the other woman. Do they want to continue the relationship with one another? Has your husband stated what he wants to do, stay with you or go?

I'm not sure I'd be any good at forgiving. I'm also still thinking about the point made that because he's been serving he should be given leeway :-2 my gut reaction is no way is that any excuse.

I know the waiting lists are long but you're going to need some counselling to get through this, both on your own and then together, do the army offer any help at all?

Adoption?

It's very hard to judge, but maybe you should try to consider your background as a couple. Are there problems even before? Are you lacking something? If no is your answer, then just make fair settlements because i think the baby is still his (or not I'm not really sure)

The replies to this thread amaze me.

We've got pro-choice people, and no-choice people, and it is not the business of a single person on this board what happens to this fetus. I don't think hurtandupset came here for people's opinions on what should be done with a fetus that is not theirs.

As for the louse who screwed around, I am amazed all over again that people are defending him because he's a soldier. So effing what if he's a soldier?? Don't marriage vows mean anything to anyone anymore?? Quit making excuses for the prick. He had NO right. Dump the loser, because the "cliche'" of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is spot on.

The thing is, you see, his children might actually like him and prefer to be brought up in his company. Possibly to the extent of a court granting him primary custody, who knows. Dialling up to maximum response is a bit brainless in such circumstances.

To remain in an unhappy marriage where trust has been destroyed just because of the children would be more detrimental than beneficial to the children.

Wild Fire;1398622 wrote: To remain in an unhappy marriage where trust has been destroyed just because of the children would be more detrimental than beneficial to the children.


That, if you'll pardon my saying so, sounds like a feminist mantra which may, in some cases, be true. Whether it is in this one I'd not like to guess. The danger with it is that sometimes it's not.

spot;1398626 wrote: That, if you'll pardon my saying so, sounds like a feminist mantra which may, in some cases, be true. Whether it is in this one I'd not like to guess. The danger with it is that sometimes it's not.


Oh $hit, you have me pegged TOTALLY wrong, Spot. I am no feminist, not by a long shot. It is my belief that when a person (man or woman) cheats on their marriage, the trust is gone. Not damaged, not injured, but dead and gone. And to live unhappily with a person that you no longer trust can only be detrimental to your own mental health and self-worth, which in turn will be damaging to your children. Unfortunately, I have personal experience in the very same situation.

This is simply how I would respond to the situation hurtandupset is facing. How she responds herself will be a decision only she can make.

spot;1398626 wrote: That, if you'll pardon my saying so, sounds like a feminist mantra which may, in some cases, be true. Whether it is in this one I'd not like to guess. The danger with it is that sometimes it's not.


Is that a sometimes it's not detrimental to children in this situation??

Somewhere though, it's detrimental to someone, maybe not always the children, but one of the 'couple'.

Wild Fire;1398632 wrote: Oh $hit, you have me pegged TOTALLY wrong, Spot. I am no feminist, not by a long shot. It is my belief that when a person (man or woman) cheats on their marriage, the trust is gone. Not damaged, not injured, but dead and gone. And to live unhappily with a person that you no longer trust can only be detrimental to your own mental health and self-worth, which in turn will be damaging to your children. Unfortunately, I have personal experience in the very same situation.You may well not be a feminist, I merely said that your point of view matches that of a mantra trotted out by assorted feminists over the last few decades. As it happens I'd describe myself as a feminist but I see the issue as far deeper-rooted than "the trust is gone". The reliance on trust is the problem, the not bothering enough to ensure on a day by day basis that the partnership is well-oiled and clearly functioning. The cause of that ill-founded reliance is the institution of marriage. Marrying someone is the most sure-fire route I can think of to wrecking lives, and if the damage is limited to just two lives you've got away lightly.

Betty Boop;1398634 wrote: Is that a sometimes it's not detrimental to children in this situation??

Somewhere though, it's detrimental to someone, maybe not always the children, but one of the 'couple'.


I didn't say "not detrimental to children", I said "more detrimental than beneficial to the children". It's a gradation, not a bucket.

Why you think the collapse of a marriage is necessarily destructive to one of the couple I don't know, I'd have thought it was often liberating to both concerned. Think of it as unshackling two convicts so they can each flee in their own direction.

There are no happy endings, the only thing that makes life bearable is knowing it's only temporary. I've never understood how anyone can be so insane as to regard heaven as something to look forward to.

Wild Fire: "Oh $hit, you have me pegged TOTALLY wrong, Spot. I am no feminist, not by a long shot."

How sad. A woman who runs from the term 'feminist' is a woman I can't trust. What are you running from?

AnneBoleyn;1398650 wrote: Wild Fire: "Oh $hit, you have me pegged TOTALLY wrong, Spot. I am no feminist, not by a long shot."

How sad. A woman who runs from the term 'feminist' is a woman I can't trust. What are you running from?


Gaining your trust is not something I'm concerned about. What makes you think I am running from anything?

Wild Fire;1398652 wrote: Gaining your trust is not something I'm concerned about. What makes you think I am running from anything?
If you're a woman & not a feminist, what are you? I guess 'humanist' would be a good answer, but you tell me.

AnneBoleyn;1398656 wrote: If you're a woman & not a feminist, what are you? I guess 'humanist' would be a good answer, but you tell me.


Are you actually trying to say that I MUST have some sort of label attached to me? The feminists I know are uber-liberal, fanatical and generally unhappy people. I am not liberal, but quite conservative and if you must put a fanatical label on me about something it would be my views on drinking and driving. And I sure don't have the time or patience to maintain the kind of unhappiness I see in the feminists in my world.

Why do I need some label like "feminist" or "non-feminist" or any other thing?

How does being a feminist or not have anything to do with being a woman?

Wild Fire;1398687 wrote: The feminists I know are uber-liberal, fanatical and generally unhappy people.
Oi! I'm generally happy!

Wild Fire;1398687 wrote: Are you actually trying to say that I MUST have some sort of label attached to me? The feminists I know are uber-liberal, fanatical and generally unhappy people. I am not liberal, but quite conservative and if you must put a fanatical label on me about something it would be my views on drinking and driving. And I sure don't have the time or patience to maintain the kind of unhappiness I see in the feminists in my world.

Why do I need some label like "feminist" or "non-feminist" or any other thing?

How does being a feminist or not have anything to do with being a woman?
If you support equal rights, equal opportunities, reproductive rights for women, which you probably (hopefully) do, then you are a feminist whether you "wear" a label or not. If you are a woman who blocks these rights for other women, or support those who do, then you are a traitor to yourself and your gender.

You don't sound that happy concerning this topic. Unhappiness is an emotional state & has nothing to do with feminism. If you separate the two, if you use logic only, do you support women's rights?

You call yourself 'conservative'. Did you hijack the peace symbol as yours, do you support the politics behind it? The peace sign is symbolic of the new left, not right wing fanatics.

Ok, this discussion is bordering on the absurd.

Why, AnneBoleyn, are you so insistent on slapping a label on me? I'm either a feminist or a traitor? Seriously??? How fanatical are you about pigeon-holing people?

And what's with the "hijack the peace symbol" crap? I happen to think the peace sign is just a neat-looking symbol and having stuff with the peace sign on it has been my "thing" for decades. Do you think there is some reason I should not have it? Come on, it is just a picture!

Why on earth have I become so interesting to you? You presume too much and you don't know the first thing about me. I also don't understand where you get the idea that I am unhappy concerning this topic. Do you lose sleep trying to come up with ridiculous, over-the-top comments? You sound like a major control freak.

Wild Fire;1398707 wrote: Ok, this discussion is bordering on the absurd.

Why, AnneBoleyn, are you so insistent on slapping a label on me? I'm either a feminist or a traitor? Seriously??? How fanatical are you about pigeon-holing people?

And what's with the "hijack the peace symbol" crap? I happen to think the peace sign is just a neat-looking symbol and having stuff with the peace sign on it has been my "thing" for decades. Do you think there is some reason I should not have it? Come on, it is just a picture!

Why on earth have I become so interesting to you? You presume too much and you don't know the first thing about me. I also don't understand where you get the idea that I am unhappy concerning this topic. Do you lose sleep trying to come up with ridiculous, over-the-top comments? You sound like a major control freak.


"You presume too much and you don't know the first thing about me."

I can say the same.

Why shouldn't you interest me? You're here, aren't you?

16,065 other members are also here. Go try to cram one of them into your OCD pigeon holes.

There you go again. Don't sound too happy to me. Thanks for your diagnosis. I bet you're a fab psychiatrist! I'll cram wherever I please.

Touchy, aren't you? Mmmm.

Women?:-3:-2:wah::sneaky: And all those other smilies..

AnneBoleyn;1398716 wrote: There you go again. Don't sound too happy to me. Thanks for your diagnosis. I bet you're a fab psychiatrist! I'll cram wherever I please.

Touchy, aren't you? Mmmm.
OCD and hilarious!!

Again, you presume something you don't understand. I'm actually very happy today.

Are you frequently subjected to helpless transference? :yh_rotfl

YZGI;1398717 wrote: Women?:-3:-2:wah::sneaky: And all those other smilies..


Wimmin, get it right.

spot;1398722 wrote: Wimmin, get it right.


Noted.. I forgot you were from Alabama.

Wild Fire;1398718 wrote: OCD and hilarious!!

Again, you presume something you don't understand. I'm actually very happy today.

Are you frequently subjected to helpless transference? :yh_rotfl
*************censored by me, not the management.

So witty and charming you are ms. wild fire.

Thanks for the compliments.

Aw schitt, you aren't really worth talking to. I hope I don't feel the need to do it again. I'm sure you hope the same.

Women who are afraid to be called feminist are worth almost nothing anyway.

What is this obsession you have with thinking I am afraid of something?? It's got to be interesting living in a world where you just make up stuff as you go along. Seek help.

AnneBoleyn;1398731 wrote: *************censored by me, not the management.

So witty and charming you are ms. wild fire.

Thanks for the compliments.

Aw schitt, you aren't really worth talking to. I hope I don't feel the need to do it again. I'm sure you hope the same.

Women who are afraid to be called feminist are worth almost nothing anyway.


Would that make me a malinist?

YZGI;1398734 wrote: Would that make me a malinist?
Yes, by gum, it would.

AnneBoleyn;1398735 wrote: Yes, by gum, it would.


Good, now shouldn't you be washing the dishes?

Wild Fire;1398732 wrote: What is this obsession you have with thinking I am afraid of something?? It's got to be interesting living in a world where you just make up stuff as you go along. Seek help.
Let me be the first one to call a truce. I started it, I started it with this post: "Wild Fire: "Oh $hit, you have me pegged TOTALLY wrong, Spot. I am no feminist, not by a long shot."

Me: "How sad. A woman who runs from the term 'feminist' is a woman I can't trust. What are you running from?"

When I said I can't trust a woman who shuns 'feminist'---Well, I shouldn't have said that. It is true, but I shouldn't have said it in the way I did. So, if that offended you, or put you on the defensive, I apologize. That's not a way to start a "relationship" on a forum. Then, it took off with a life of it's own, as these things tend to do. So, before it goes any further, I would like to call a truce, but you know this is a forum, people do challenge each other's words/opinions. I am curious as to why you don't care to be described as feminist, without the fact that those who you know who call themselves feminist are unhappy. However, I can live without the answer.

YZGI;1398737 wrote: Good, now shouldn't you be washing the dishes?
They are washed, sir, and everything is clean as a whistle. I am barefoot, and wait patiently for impregnation. Whenever you're ready Massa.

AnneBoleyn;1398739 wrote: They are washed, sir, and everything is clean as a whistle. I am barefoot, and wait patiently for impregnation. Whenever you're ready Massa.


Now thats the kind of feminism I can handle. Um except for the impregnation part. I like to consider it more of a sport not a clinical act..LOL

YZGI;1398740 wrote: Now thats the kind of feminism I can handle. Um except for the impregnation part. I like to consider it more of a sport not a clinical act..LOL
Sorry Massa but that's part of the deal.

AnneBoleyn;1398738 wrote: Let me be the first one to call a truce. I started it


A. Yes, you were wrong.

B. I am not at war, therefore, a "truce" is irrelevant.

C. I feel absolutely zero need to justify my thoughts or beliefs to you.

Wild Fire;1398744 wrote: A. Yes, you were wrong.

B. I am not at war, therefore, a "truce" is irrelevant.

C. I feel absolutely zero need to justify my thoughts or beliefs to you.
Phucking bitch. Let's go nowhere fast. Can hardly wait for your latest diagnosis. Not.

You sure know how to bring out the best in people.