Lying, selling Nothing and minxing anything that moves

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 8:21 am

The thread title pretty much sums up what I do... but I suppose it would probably be a good idea to elaborate a bit before people jump to conclusions.

I work as a business analyst. This explains the lying bit. Well, truthfully, I don't actually lie, I just use numbers (it's amazing how much people trust numbers) to represent the truth in the most favorable light. And sometimes I bend the light so that the truth is less visible, or so that it gets a slightly different shade. The one thing I've learned doing this job for a few year now is that if someone shows me a chart and then tries to persuade me to do something based on this argument I should probably punch them first and ask questions later.

So, I suppose that explains the lying bit. I suppose a lot of people lie for a living, so that is not such a curiosity.

The selling Nothing bit, well.... that is a bit of a curiosity.

A friend and I started a website where we sell Nothing, at one Euro a unit. Once we sell a million units we will turn it into an open market where people will be able to buy or sell it at any price they consider fair.

It sounds a bit mad, but the whole point of it is that we both agree that there is something wrong with the way the free market is organized, and that if the law of supply and demand is the only thing that regulates the value of a certain item, then it is indeed possible to create a million dollars out of nothing, and later inflate the value of a unit of Nothing so that it becomes a profitable investment.

Also, as you can probably tell form the lengthy introduction, I enjoy writing and creating my own website gave me the opportunity to wrote about what ever I feel like writing about and make fun of what ever I feel like making fun of.

And that, I suppose, brings us to the final, possibly most important point of my introduction - the Minxing.

Minxing is not an actual word, at least not yet, but if I do my job right for long enough it will be

And the dictionary entry will say something like this:

Minxing is the process of making people do random things they would never normally do. It's about keeping them aware of the fact that they didn't want to do it, and about watching them giggle like schoolgirls as they do it anyway. Minxing is about making people a little bit more crazy then they were before they met you, and about making them love it like cheap Dutch... ladies of the night

Post by **LarsMac** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 9:06 am

Well, I hope you nothing market takes off, because I got a boatload of nothing, and wouldn't at all mind turning a few bucks on it.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:23 am

I'm all for some minxing but I'm not sure about the cheap dutch ladies of the night bit.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:52 am

Fiend;1404034 wrote: The one thing I've learned doing this job for a few year now is that if someone shows me a chart and then tries to persuade me to do something based on this argument I should probably punch them first and ask questions later.
lmao

That's probably the best introduction I've ever read. Look forward to minxing with you.

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:57 am

I'd like a fee trial of this nothingness before I commit. You can't be too careful nowadays. I mean, I might write a cheque and not get anything for my money and I'd be out of pocket

Post by **LarsMac** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:12 pm

Snowfire;1404082 wrote: I'd like a fee trial of this nothingness before I commit. You can't be too careful nowadays. I mean, I might write a cheque and not get anything for my money and I'd be out of pocket

Obviously you cannot expect a refund if you are not satisfied, but I bet they would be happy to replace your first order with another.

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:22 pm

LarsMac;1404086 wrote: Obviously you cannot expect a refund if you are not satisfied, but I bet they would be happy to replace your first order with another.

I think it would only be right, that if my order did not materialise , a similar item of a higher value must be offered as compensation.

Post by **LarsMac** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:34 pm

Snowfire;1404091 wrote: I think it would only be right, that if my order did not materialise , a similar item of a higher value must be offered as compensation.

Well, I can beat Fiend's deal. I will give you twice as much nothing for half the price.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:39 pm

It's the shipping and handling that gets you.

Ahso! · Post by **Ahso!** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:41 pm

I'll do better: I'll front you nothing and let you pay for it as you unload it on others. Free shipping from my ebay nothing store.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:46 pm

Can I hear more about the cheap Dutch ladies of the night before I send my cheque?

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:48 pm

LarsMac;1404093 wrote: Well, I can beat Fiend's deal. I will give you twice as much nothing for half the price.

Sounds fair to me. I'd like 2 large, one in each colour and gift wrapped. My wife bought me nothing for my birthday, it's only fair I do the same for her.

A post dated cheque for $0.00 has been dispatched. Please keep the change for your trouble

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:52 pm

oscar;1404098 wrote: Can I hear more about the cheap Dutch ladies of the night before I send my cheque?

Ladies of the night who go Dutch ? They go halves ? Is that good for business ?

Post by **LarsMac** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:53 pm

Well, there are shipping and handling charges, you know.

And a fee for gift-wrapping.

Do you want that shipped standard post, or FedEx overnight?

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:02 pm

Snowfire;1404100 wrote: Ladies of the night who go Dutch ? They go halves ? Is that good for business ? What If they mistake my order and send me two of everything ? I don't want double Dutch.

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:08 pm

LarsMac;1404101 wrote: Well, there are shipping and handling charges, you know.

And a fee for gift-wrapping.

Do you want that shipped standard post, or FedEx overnight?

Of course. Forgive me. I've added an extra 0 to the cheque for the wrapping.

Lets not waste our money on Express. Nothing should arrive in no time at all

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:10 pm

oscar;1404106 wrote: What If they mistake my order and send me two of everything ? I don't want double Dutch.

Double Dutch of course is halves doubled. A whole. Which means it's free.

Unless I'm talking Double Dutch

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 10:42 pm

My dear Mr. LarsMac, you will have to face the fact that your nothing can only be the Pepsi of the nothing market, while the NothingExchange Nothing will remain the Coca-Cola.

We were here first, we sugar our product with more humor and... most importantly, we will continue to spice it with highly addictive stimulants until we government regulation banns us from doing so.

Also, from now on, Santa works for us :yh_devil

oscar;1404074 wrote: I'm all for some minxing but I'm not sure about the cheap dutch ladies of the night bit.
:yh_sad But, but... they're honest to god, hard working women who love their work. Why would you hurt their feelings in such a way?

koan;1404081 wrote: lmao

That's probably the best introduction I've ever read. Look forward to minxing with you.
Thank you very much

I aim to please

Snowfire;1404082 wrote: I'd like a fee trial of this nothingness before I commit. You can't be too careful nowadays. I mean, I might write a cheque and not get anything for my money and I'd be out of pocket
I am afraid that Nothing is non-refundable at this point. But all the qualities of our Nothing are well described on the website and once you've read all the arguments, I'm sure you'd have no complaints. For example:

-We can offer absolute assurances that no one in the history of time has gone to war over your particular unit of Nothing. Unlike a gold bar, for example, your unit of Nothing would be absolutely not drenched in the blood of innocents.

-No workers were exploited in the course of creating your unit of Nothing. Well, no workers apart from the two of us. We’re working for â‚¬0 per hour at this point. But we volunteered, so I guess that’s ok.

-In most social occasions, wearing Nothing is way more tasteful then wearing gold.

I think you should risk an Euro and try it, we've never had an unsatisfied costumer.

oscar;1404098 wrote: Can I hear more about the cheap Dutch ladies of the night before I send my cheque?

But of course:

Please note that I mentioned how after a good minxing the object of the minxing ends up loving it like a cheap Dutch lady of the night. A common misconception is that an expensive lady of the night is a better choice for loving. Nothing could be further from the truth. Research has shown that no being in the universe (Dalai Lama included) is capable of the levels of love cheap Dutch ladies of the night can experience.

Why this is so, remains a mystery, though there are theories, my favorite being that standing around corners in clogs for prolonged periods of time stimulates acupressure points in their feet in ways unknown to other humans making them the Universal high-standard for loving it.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:14 pm

People should take advantage of the Dutch lady experience before those lovely tarts invest in too much Nothing and the prices go up.

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:03 am

koan;1404198 wrote: People should take advantage of the Dutch lady experience before those lovely tarts invest in too much Nothing and the prices go up.
Exactly! We've already sold 92 units, and I was informed that the buyers loved it, so we can only assume that they were employed by the Dutch sex industry.

I propose that we all either head over to Holland and get ourselves some lovin' while it's still cheap, or head over to NothingExchange and get the remaining Nothing off our hands before the ladies of the night buy us all out.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:08 am

Nothing puts the "whim" in whimsical. When our ancestors look back and wonder what happened, don't be the one who says "I didn't buy any Nothing because it didn't seem solid." Be the one who says "I believed in Nothing when others said it couldn't be so easy."

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:10 am

koan;1404203 wrote: Nothing puts the "whim" in whimsical. When our ancestors look back and wonder what happened, don't be the one who says "I didn't buy any Nothing because it didn't seem solid." Be the one who says "I believed in Nothing when others said it couldn't be so easy."

Can I use this sentence as a testimonial on the website?

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:16 am

Absolutely! I can write about Nothing all day long. Just ask other people on this site. hehe

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:29 am

Amazing! I'll send you a link once I'm done setting up a testimonial section (shouldn't take more than a day or two)

And if you'd like to write about Nothing, you're more then welcome to, we can always use good content. Head over to the site and have a look, if there is anything you'd like to say or think would be amusing let me know, and I'll just publish it as a news article or a new page, or well... something

The beauty of making your own website is that you can publish stuff when ever and where ever you want to

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:34 am

I always think what I write is amusing. I'm too busy laughing most times to notice if anyone else is.

Would love to see the site. But only if you keep posting here too.

Wonderfully witty and intelligent.

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:45 am

I'm laughing

And, it's a deal, I'll keep posting here, and you have a look and see if there's anything you'd like to add to the Nothing Exchange website.

The address is:

nothingexchange.com (I didn't add it as a link, so you might need to copy it into your address bar, as I'm new here, and not sure what the policy for newbies posting links is)

I'm afraid that we enjoy writing quite a bit as well, so there's a fair amount of content to read, hopefully it can keep you amused for a while.

Funnily enough, one of the biggest problems we've encountered with promoting the site was that these days very few people seem to read internet content longer then "I made u som cookies but I ated them all" though I kinda get the feeling that this will not be a problem for you

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:47 am

OMG Your tagline is priceless.

I think you've got enough posts to add links now.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:50 am

Attached files

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:03 am

Glad you're enjoying it

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:20 am

Technical question: is that picture to scale?

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:42 am

koan;1404215 wrote: Technical question: is that picture to scale?
I'm having a dumb day, I think :yh_blush

What exactly do you mean?

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:51 am

lol.

Is it "actual size"?

It was a strangely worded question. And not one that needs an answer.

What is the size of Nothing? Kind of a koan.

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:58 am

Hehe, in that case, I suppose it's not the actual size. Or maybe it is. My head hurts now

On the site we decided to say that:

"If you are wondering what exactly we mean by "Nothing", the explanation is simple - Nothing, in the context of this website, is a unit of nothing which we're selling with an initial value of 1 Euro, which can be bought exclusively from this website and can not be resold until such time as one million units of Nothing have been sold.

"Nothing has no taste, smell, shape, size or, for that matter, value, apart from what people are willing to pay for it. It's a bit like the money in my bank account in that regard.

"We called our product 'Nothing' to make our point painfully obvious and avoid confusing or misleading our costumers, but in reality we could have just as easily have called it 'Grot', 'Shazzaam' or 'That Green Stuff that you can't actually see or touch'."

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:07 am

"Nothing" is the perfect choice. Endless possibilities to sloganize. I like words that are common. If you were selling "Piffles" it would be much harder to write about. I think simplicity will be the key to your success... And it's a hell of a lot more that what most people are selling.

I suspect men will be the main buyers to start since they already claim to think of Nothing all day. With a guilty look on their faces when asked.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:36 am

I suspect men will be the main buyers to start since they already claim to think of Nothing all day. With a guilty look on their faces when asked.

Now, now. Tut tut. Men and women think of nothing in different but equal ways. Men are prone to rather admiring women's nothings, but women seem rather more ambivalent. After all, with them, it's amazing what nothing can turn into...

Oh, and hello fiend. Sorry, must have been distracted by your product.

Fiend · Post by **Fiend** » Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:56 pm

Clodhopper;1404226 wrote: Now, now. Tut tut. Men and women think of nothing in different but equal ways. Men are prone to rather admiring women's nothings, but women seem rather more ambivalent. After all, with them, it's amazing what nothing can turn into...

Oh, and hello fiend. Sorry, must have been distracted by your product.

Oh, you sweet-talker, you!

*giggles like a schoolgirl*

I bet you say that to all the girls