Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?
Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:07 am
I will try and be as complete as possible but will happily answer any further questions to get some good advice from a disinterested party with no dog in the race. Basically, I feel I have been taken advantage of my best friend for a while but I am not sure if my feelings are with or without any merit.
We are both the same age, early 40's and both gay men if that matters. No sexual relationship history, just strictly platonic best pals for around 7 years now. We both live in the deep south but in towns about 50 miles apart so we talk on the phone quite a lot and don't really get to hang out in person that much.
My friend is what you could say technically challenged. And when I say challenged I mean a complete beginner that tech support guys have nightmares about. I am a tech geek and spent years learning and researching to gain that level of knowledge and expertise. Prior to me moving back to my hometown I lived in Japan for 13 years. While there I taught but also did part-time tech support. I charged 10,000 yen an hour which back then was about $100 an hour and now is about $125. That was actually a normal rate for the level of expertise I brought and that was for phone support. For actual in house reapirs I would look at the problems and give them an estimate. For friends I never charged for occasional advice, but after a while some friends started abusing that privilege so I created a friend's discount rate of $35 an hour. I thought that was generous and it solved the problem.
Long story short my friend has been asking me for a whole range of technical support questions for years now. It is not nearly as bad as it used to be when he first got his new iMac, but that is also largely because of all the lessons I gave him over the years. I explained that my friend rate was $35 an hour and I only told him that after I had already probably given him at least 15 or 20 hours of free tech support and it got to the point where I felt I was being victimized since the most I ever got was a thanks. Maybe he thought I was joking or not serious about that $35 an hour friend discount but I gave him easily an additional 75 hours or more since then but also reminded him often. Everything from setting up email, using Turbotax, to you name it which can be extremely frustrating if you have ever tried to help someone not tech savvy over the phone. He is a very honest guy and makes good money and so I never thought I would have to keep a tab and he would at least pay me back in kind with gifts or in some other form.
He works full time but also has a second job teaching tennis and charges about $35 an hour 6 days a week. I mention that because if I wanted to take tennis lessons from him that would be a good trade, but I don't and he lives too far away. Like me he spent years learning tennis to be able to charge to teach lessons. In Japan I helped a Japanese sushi chef with tech stuff and he paid me with free sushi which was wonderful. I don't want you all to think this is about money, it isn't. Paying a friend for a favor is always a tricky area and I really don't like to do it until it came to the point where I felt he had crossed the line from favor to his own free tech support guy.
I had already explained all my feelings to him about feeling a little victimized or abusing our friendship. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could. I also explained that since he is very good handy man maybe that might be a good way to show some appreciation for the several thousands in free tech support he had received over the years. For example, he built a nice paved stone patio at his house and I asked him about it but he completely missed the point.
This really all came to a head recently. He spent about $600 on a Christmas yard decoration for his mother which was a wonderful and thoughtful present. It took him about two weeks to build it for her. He also bought all his tennis students some calendars that he printed online and has bought nice gifts for every year since I met him. And these personalized calendars are pricey as well. I also need to mention this young sociopathic guy that sponges off my friend. I have listened to him ***** about this guy taking advantage of him and being selfish and only wanting his money for about a year now. I realize all these characters is getting confusing but if you read this far hopefully you will stick with me just a tad longer. All these characters are important and the reason why I am here in this forum.
About a week or two before Christmas he asked for my mailing address so I thought, wow he finally got the message and wants to show some appreciation for all the support I had given him. He had just been given a $250 debit card from work so I figured that is what he planned to send. Well about a week later I got a Christmas card. It was a photo of the gift he had given his mother of the large yard decoration with the word JOY. The next day I get a call from him asking if I received the card and I said yes, thanks. He then proceeded to tell me how he was tired of being taken advantage by that young sociopath I mentioned before. He then switched topics and said he had a problem with those calendars he printed because he used "their" instead or "they're" and asking me what he should do to resolve that problem. I was stunned. I know his Christmas card was not meant to rub my face in all the time and money he spent on his mother's gift, but I couldn't help but feel anything but JOY when I opened up the envelope. Then he talked about being tired of being victimized by a sociopathic twink he has probably given $1,000 or more to over a year while asking me for more free tech support about calendar gifts meant for his tennis students in the same phone call.
Sorry it is late and I was angry and tired when I wrote this so I hope it is not too disjointed or confusing. I honestly don't think he has meant to take advantage of me and he has been a good and loyal friend in every other aspect. When my Dad passed away earlier this year he came to the visitation which meant a lot to me. I don't expect him to send me a check for the $3,500 or more in tech support I have given him over the years, but am I wrong in at least hoping he would have sent me that $250 debit card he received for free from work? Or offered other ways to return all the help in some other ways like gifts or really anything to show me all the help I had given him was valued. I referred him to a new credit card about a month back and he got $50 and so did I for referring him. He has mentioned that several times so I think it is safe to assume he feels that $50 credit was my gift. Forgetting the fact he also got $50 credit and finally has a cashback credit card unlike his last one.
I seriously doubt if I had taken 150 hours of his time to give me private tennis lessons he wouldn't have expected something more than "Thanks!" Maybe I am just over reacting but he has been a good friend except for this and the tech support calls has gone way down compared to before, but I still can't help but feel a huge imbalance or debt that is unpaid. Then all that pent up anger came to the surface with his latest tech support call to help sort out gifts for his students and the Christmas card photo of the $600 and two weeks of labor he spent for his Mom. If you read all of this thanks, just putting it out in words to vent makes me feel better. So am I just being unreasonable or do I have good reasons to feel the way I do? I can't help but think he treats my tech support as worthless since that is exactly what he has given me for all my effort. He doesn't see all the thousands of hours of hard work over the decades I put in to being able to solve all the myriad of problems like some magician. I wonder if lawyers, CPA's, financial advisors also have the same problem of friends using their expertise for hundreds of hours of free advice to the point where it crosses the line.
I don't want to end my friendship with him but I would like some advice. I guess I first need to know if I even have a legitimate gripe or not. He called twice tonight but I ignored his calls. I knew if I answered and heard him talk about how much his students, and family (which he isn't even close to at all) loved their gifts from him I would probably lose my temper and end our friendship so I decided to not take any calls until I calm down a bit. I really want to just forgive him and get over this but it is so easy in theory but so very hard to do in practice. Should I just forgive him, move on and just accept that the only payment I will ever get is a Thanks and just tell him not to ask me any more tech question ever again. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help but feel the same way as if he had borrowed $3,500 or so in cash and not repaid the loan, then keeps borrowing while spending freely on anything he wants for himself and others.
I know what Dr. Phil and others say about not wanting to invest more in a relationship than you are willing to lose. And I also understand if A gives 50% and B gives 50% in a friendship that does not equal 100%. They are all absolutely right and it all makes sense until it is no longer theory. I almost feel guilty by posting this long letter because I think I should just accept that friendship is not a zero sum game and forgive him and let it go but I am afraid it is like a cancer that will eventually eat away at our friendship. Any and all advice welcome and thanks in advance.
We are both the same age, early 40's and both gay men if that matters. No sexual relationship history, just strictly platonic best pals for around 7 years now. We both live in the deep south but in towns about 50 miles apart so we talk on the phone quite a lot and don't really get to hang out in person that much.
My friend is what you could say technically challenged. And when I say challenged I mean a complete beginner that tech support guys have nightmares about. I am a tech geek and spent years learning and researching to gain that level of knowledge and expertise. Prior to me moving back to my hometown I lived in Japan for 13 years. While there I taught but also did part-time tech support. I charged 10,000 yen an hour which back then was about $100 an hour and now is about $125. That was actually a normal rate for the level of expertise I brought and that was for phone support. For actual in house reapirs I would look at the problems and give them an estimate. For friends I never charged for occasional advice, but after a while some friends started abusing that privilege so I created a friend's discount rate of $35 an hour. I thought that was generous and it solved the problem.
Long story short my friend has been asking me for a whole range of technical support questions for years now. It is not nearly as bad as it used to be when he first got his new iMac, but that is also largely because of all the lessons I gave him over the years. I explained that my friend rate was $35 an hour and I only told him that after I had already probably given him at least 15 or 20 hours of free tech support and it got to the point where I felt I was being victimized since the most I ever got was a thanks. Maybe he thought I was joking or not serious about that $35 an hour friend discount but I gave him easily an additional 75 hours or more since then but also reminded him often. Everything from setting up email, using Turbotax, to you name it which can be extremely frustrating if you have ever tried to help someone not tech savvy over the phone. He is a very honest guy and makes good money and so I never thought I would have to keep a tab and he would at least pay me back in kind with gifts or in some other form.
He works full time but also has a second job teaching tennis and charges about $35 an hour 6 days a week. I mention that because if I wanted to take tennis lessons from him that would be a good trade, but I don't and he lives too far away. Like me he spent years learning tennis to be able to charge to teach lessons. In Japan I helped a Japanese sushi chef with tech stuff and he paid me with free sushi which was wonderful. I don't want you all to think this is about money, it isn't. Paying a friend for a favor is always a tricky area and I really don't like to do it until it came to the point where I felt he had crossed the line from favor to his own free tech support guy.
I had already explained all my feelings to him about feeling a little victimized or abusing our friendship. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could. I also explained that since he is very good handy man maybe that might be a good way to show some appreciation for the several thousands in free tech support he had received over the years. For example, he built a nice paved stone patio at his house and I asked him about it but he completely missed the point.
This really all came to a head recently. He spent about $600 on a Christmas yard decoration for his mother which was a wonderful and thoughtful present. It took him about two weeks to build it for her. He also bought all his tennis students some calendars that he printed online and has bought nice gifts for every year since I met him. And these personalized calendars are pricey as well. I also need to mention this young sociopathic guy that sponges off my friend. I have listened to him ***** about this guy taking advantage of him and being selfish and only wanting his money for about a year now. I realize all these characters is getting confusing but if you read this far hopefully you will stick with me just a tad longer. All these characters are important and the reason why I am here in this forum.
About a week or two before Christmas he asked for my mailing address so I thought, wow he finally got the message and wants to show some appreciation for all the support I had given him. He had just been given a $250 debit card from work so I figured that is what he planned to send. Well about a week later I got a Christmas card. It was a photo of the gift he had given his mother of the large yard decoration with the word JOY. The next day I get a call from him asking if I received the card and I said yes, thanks. He then proceeded to tell me how he was tired of being taken advantage by that young sociopath I mentioned before. He then switched topics and said he had a problem with those calendars he printed because he used "their" instead or "they're" and asking me what he should do to resolve that problem. I was stunned. I know his Christmas card was not meant to rub my face in all the time and money he spent on his mother's gift, but I couldn't help but feel anything but JOY when I opened up the envelope. Then he talked about being tired of being victimized by a sociopathic twink he has probably given $1,000 or more to over a year while asking me for more free tech support about calendar gifts meant for his tennis students in the same phone call.
Sorry it is late and I was angry and tired when I wrote this so I hope it is not too disjointed or confusing. I honestly don't think he has meant to take advantage of me and he has been a good and loyal friend in every other aspect. When my Dad passed away earlier this year he came to the visitation which meant a lot to me. I don't expect him to send me a check for the $3,500 or more in tech support I have given him over the years, but am I wrong in at least hoping he would have sent me that $250 debit card he received for free from work? Or offered other ways to return all the help in some other ways like gifts or really anything to show me all the help I had given him was valued. I referred him to a new credit card about a month back and he got $50 and so did I for referring him. He has mentioned that several times so I think it is safe to assume he feels that $50 credit was my gift. Forgetting the fact he also got $50 credit and finally has a cashback credit card unlike his last one.
I seriously doubt if I had taken 150 hours of his time to give me private tennis lessons he wouldn't have expected something more than "Thanks!" Maybe I am just over reacting but he has been a good friend except for this and the tech support calls has gone way down compared to before, but I still can't help but feel a huge imbalance or debt that is unpaid. Then all that pent up anger came to the surface with his latest tech support call to help sort out gifts for his students and the Christmas card photo of the $600 and two weeks of labor he spent for his Mom. If you read all of this thanks, just putting it out in words to vent makes me feel better. So am I just being unreasonable or do I have good reasons to feel the way I do? I can't help but think he treats my tech support as worthless since that is exactly what he has given me for all my effort. He doesn't see all the thousands of hours of hard work over the decades I put in to being able to solve all the myriad of problems like some magician. I wonder if lawyers, CPA's, financial advisors also have the same problem of friends using their expertise for hundreds of hours of free advice to the point where it crosses the line.
I don't want to end my friendship with him but I would like some advice. I guess I first need to know if I even have a legitimate gripe or not. He called twice tonight but I ignored his calls. I knew if I answered and heard him talk about how much his students, and family (which he isn't even close to at all) loved their gifts from him I would probably lose my temper and end our friendship so I decided to not take any calls until I calm down a bit. I really want to just forgive him and get over this but it is so easy in theory but so very hard to do in practice. Should I just forgive him, move on and just accept that the only payment I will ever get is a Thanks and just tell him not to ask me any more tech question ever again. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help but feel the same way as if he had borrowed $3,500 or so in cash and not repaid the loan, then keeps borrowing while spending freely on anything he wants for himself and others.
I know what Dr. Phil and others say about not wanting to invest more in a relationship than you are willing to lose. And I also understand if A gives 50% and B gives 50% in a friendship that does not equal 100%. They are all absolutely right and it all makes sense until it is no longer theory. I almost feel guilty by posting this long letter because I think I should just accept that friendship is not a zero sum game and forgive him and let it go but I am afraid it is like a cancer that will eventually eat away at our friendship. Any and all advice welcome and thanks in advance.