Fighting feelings
Posted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:43 am
When I was a kid I fell in love with an amazing guy. We were young and neighbors. I knew him long before feelings arose. We fell in love and made all these dreams of how we would get married, have kids, be together for ever. Then the inevitable happened...my parents moved to a different state. We lost contact. We didnt break up, there was no fight or anything. I didnt date because no one came close to being him. He saved me on so many occasions and didnt even know it, including me almost committing suicide once when I was 16. I was so close then I felt his arms around me and the words please dont do this I love you.
When I was 19 we ran into his mother when we came back to state. My parents asked her how everyone was and they said he had gotten married and had a son. My heart was broken but it also gave me the "right" to fall in love and get married myself. I have been married for 20 years and love my husband. It didnt stop me from thinking of my first love or even trying to find him to see how he is doing. I have told my husband about him, but not the whole truth. I told him all the games we played, the camping trips we had, stuff like that but kept that he was my first love to myself. If he asked me point blank I would tell him.
The other night I had a dream about him and took it as a sign to try to find him again. I first tried facebook. He has a common name so I looked up another family member and found him on their friends list. I sent a friend request, thinking maybe he wouldnt even remember me so wasnt expecting him to accept me...its been 27 years. Two hours later I got the notice that he accepted me. We started talking about old times. I found out hes married again and is doing pretty good. He thanked me for finding him and admitted to me that he has loved me all these years as well. One thing that was kind of shocking is that I was his first too. I had no idea!!!
The more we talk the more my heart fills with love for him. The more I want to be in his arms again. We are 1000 miles apart so its pretty much keeping these actions at bay...however if we were closer I am not sure both of us could remain faithful either. He has always had and will always have a part of my heart. I cant help but feel that someday we'll be together again but when the circumstances are much better and we are able to do it without hurting anyone.
I just feel so confused these last few days. It is the first time since I met my husband that I have felt like this. Part of me is so happy but the other part feels guilty for having these feelings. And I should clarify its just the old feelings coming up stronger than I was expecting. We promised each other we would always be in contact now that we have found each other again.
Not really sure what kind of advice I am looking for :wah: so I guess whatever advice you want to give would be great, thanks.
When I was 19 we ran into his mother when we came back to state. My parents asked her how everyone was and they said he had gotten married and had a son. My heart was broken but it also gave me the "right" to fall in love and get married myself. I have been married for 20 years and love my husband. It didnt stop me from thinking of my first love or even trying to find him to see how he is doing. I have told my husband about him, but not the whole truth. I told him all the games we played, the camping trips we had, stuff like that but kept that he was my first love to myself. If he asked me point blank I would tell him.
The other night I had a dream about him and took it as a sign to try to find him again. I first tried facebook. He has a common name so I looked up another family member and found him on their friends list. I sent a friend request, thinking maybe he wouldnt even remember me so wasnt expecting him to accept me...its been 27 years. Two hours later I got the notice that he accepted me. We started talking about old times. I found out hes married again and is doing pretty good. He thanked me for finding him and admitted to me that he has loved me all these years as well. One thing that was kind of shocking is that I was his first too. I had no idea!!!
The more we talk the more my heart fills with love for him. The more I want to be in his arms again. We are 1000 miles apart so its pretty much keeping these actions at bay...however if we were closer I am not sure both of us could remain faithful either. He has always had and will always have a part of my heart. I cant help but feel that someday we'll be together again but when the circumstances are much better and we are able to do it without hurting anyone.
I just feel so confused these last few days. It is the first time since I met my husband that I have felt like this. Part of me is so happy but the other part feels guilty for having these feelings. And I should clarify its just the old feelings coming up stronger than I was expecting. We promised each other we would always be in contact now that we have found each other again.
Not really sure what kind of advice I am looking for :wah: so I guess whatever advice you want to give would be great, thanks.