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On the way to Blackpool, the driver turned Into Basil Fawlty by the time we got to Wolverhampton, herding old ladies around but on the way back, I think the drivers Irony was lost on many... yet, It cracked me up...

So I can only write his announcement as I recall It and not word for word... but It went like this.

Good evening passengers. My name Is Robert and I am your driver for the evening on National Express coaches and Yes, I am Scottish.

We will be calling at Manchester and Birmingham on route, but please do not leave the coach as I have no Idea on how many of you are on here given the problems In Calais right now.

There are two emergency exits situated at the front and the rear of the coach. If In an emergency you exit at the front, please ensure you get behind me.

Please note that the toilet Is situated at the rear of the coach. Please take care when using the toilet that you use the correct door or you may have a nasty surprise.

Ladies, please lock the door when using the toilet as you may also encounter a nasty surprise as will the other passengers.

To the side of your seat, you will find a small wattage 3 pin pin plug that Is just enough to power a small laptop or kettle but please note, this Is not sufficient for micro wave ovens.

Please ensure that you use your seat belts as upon arrival, we do hand cctv footage over to the police to fine anyone seen not wearing them.

If you are using a mobile phone, please keep your call to a minimum and do not shout. We don't care nor are we Interested In your day.

If you are bored enough, you will find a pamphlet on safety In the front of your seat. We request you do not use this should the toilet run out of tissue.

You will find above your seats a light for reading but we request you do not use these for more than 10 minutes as this drains the coach batteries and none of us wants to push you home.

Please enjoy your travel with National Express. We will be arriving In Bristol at 8.50 pm or that's the plan. Variations on this time may differ should we lose a passenger and have to return to Birmingham or divert to the nearest police station.

Now why can't they all be like that ???

I had a nightmare journey returning from Scotland a few years back, so bad I will never travel by coach again.

The driver appeared to be dozing off, watching the white lines and moving his head as if hypnotised by them.

I was halfway down the coach in an aisle seat and was watching him in the mirror.

I tried to ignore my fears that he was a Scot after a good hogmanay and I was just imagining his droopy eyed twitching head.

I asked the steward or whatever they call them if he was alright, and did he need some black coffee.

He was given some, as it happens, and when we stopped next they covered the mirror so I couldn't see his reflection, which didn't help me at all.

When they changed drivers halfway down..........I was able to relax.....never again will I subject myself to such torture, cramped seating, drawn out journey, like an endurance test.

EasyJet is not that bad after all.

Funny that because the coach up there was a real charabanc and I thought about Easy Jet having more leg room also. Given this was the 10 hour journey from hell, I had to keep moving about for fear of deep vein thrombosis. Yet the one on the way back was all mod cons with leather reclining seats. Hilarious watching at least 3 people looking for that 3 pin plug.

I have had some real nightmares on coaches and I also watch the driver for signs of nodding off... that's my biggest worry but I think things are better these days and they have to have 15 minute breaks every so many miles now.

I remember the time when I was a kid (yes, I know, must be a good memory) when in a journey from Liverpool to Southampton, on a Royal Blue coach (pre National Express), I asked why there was smoke coming out of the holes (ventilators) instead of hot air. We were all promptly evacuated from the coach as it was on fire & my question had raised the alarm.